I was about 12 years old, I think, when my best friend and I discovered that her father, the Pastor of a small community, had a museum, damn near, in his garage…filled with porn. There were movies and books and magazines and … all kinds of other things little girls had no business looking at. We reminded ourselves of this horrible infraction while we sifted thru the porn magazines – struggling to push the penthouse forums far enough under our blouses to hide them. “Your daddy is gross” I told her – while eyeing Miss July – or whatever. “I know” she would mutter – face growing red – while stooping down to pick up a somewhat X rated paper back book. We would sneak past her mother in the kitchen – past her brother’s watching television in their bunkbeds, and quickly lock her door in her bedroom – spreading all our delicious snacks in front of us on her hard wood floor. I soaked up the information… like bounty – the quicker picker upper. This was valuable information I knew, with out having been told. For years our access to the library-o-porn was unlimited – until her Father found out that we had been dipping into the family’s history books – so to speak – and punished us. And yeah – that IS another story – because it isn’t the punishment that I want to get into right now. Right now… What I wanted to get into was the very back pages of my best friend’s father’s magazines. The very last few pages that had the videos for sale. We would tear these pages out of the magazines and standing tip toe on her bed … hold the pages up to the light above us. Giggling we would make out exactly what the “censor” had painted in little circles of black. It was clear as day – or at least we thought it was. We would become excited – and I would go home with these visions of women and men together doing naughty things behind the black circular “eyes”. The eyes were suppose to stop us from seeing…but all they did was make us that much more aware of what was suppose to be hidden, and much more gifted at being able to figure it out. Not that it was so damn difficult to figure out, mind you.

It was around this time that we also discovered that if we watched the spice channels in cable long enough – the scrabbled pictures would become unscrambled and we would be able to see a mili-second of something we knew we shouldn’t see. I swear we thought we were like secret spies or something – and that we were the only 2 kids in America who figured it out: Censors didn’t censor or cover anything. It only made the desperate more determined to figure it all out – and for those that could not – only made us more curious. We knew it was bad…and so we looked with keener eye – and practiced patience…waiting and waiting until such a time when, if only for a moment – the picture would unscramble – or the light would catch xray thru the black curtain o shame. (haha).

I’ve been trying to censor myself lately. Trying to figure out what is okay for me to write about – worrying about how other people will see it – and all along I’m sure there are a few who are determined and holding up my walls to some secret decoder light and reading everything I really want to hide anyways. Yeah. I can get deep like that sometimes.

So here it is:

• I have a crush. A really big crush. Have had it for longer than I should admit. Question what “crush” is doing next to words like crusade and cry in the dictionary. I’ve been wondering, too, what happens when crushes leave. Wondering if when reality hits there is no love waiting by to fill the empty space. And if so – why shouldn’t I live in Crushville for eternity and enjoy my stomach doing flip flops and dips whenever I think or speak to him? Time has made this crush so big that I want to push the person away from me so that I can have room to inhale and exhale. Funny that having a crush makes it difficult to breathe correctly. This crush has gotten so big that I’m thinking the crush is bigger and greater than anything and anyONE that could follow it.
• I do not want to go to school sometimes. Sometimes I would prefer to not go because I am tired of school – truth be told. Didn’t I just escape – and now I want to go back? Sometimes I think about going to school and only studying what I want to study – but I don’t think College is organized like that. Sad, isn’t it?
• I really need a schedule – set schedule for niteflirt – but I’m afraid if I do it then I will be missing out on calls or that my call volume will drop or something. But I can’t continue just being on line at all hours of the day and nite – randomly and such.
• I don’t understand why sex has to be so complicated sometimes. When I am just having fun it seems that sex and masturbating is fine – but when I really care about someone then all of a sudden that whole sex thing takes on another meaning. Is this one of life’s cruel jokes? Am I destined to have really good sex with people I just don’t like – and then be some sort of a nun and all virginal with people that I really love?
• How come I just cleaned my room a week ago and it’s now dirty/cluttered again?

Just some things I have wanted to say but sometimes feel I shouldn’t talk about – or that the person/people I am talking about will feel all bad that I mentioned them (sort of) in my blog/diary or whatever. I’m gonna try not to censor myself so much. This could either be a positive or a negative. Hell – most of the time the average, intelligent reader can see thru all that censorship stuff anyways. I figure if I could do it when I was in junior high – then adults should have it down to a damn science.

After a few days off – I came back to NF and have been thinking about things in a whole new light. (holding my situation up to the light above my bed). I need to wait until my school schedule and course load before I really say how/when I’m going to be working NF…
But until further notice you can check out my listing/home page for what my schedule will be now. I’ll be fine-tuning it as we go along. If there are any times that work out better than others – and you don’t see that I have placed that time on my schedule – then please let me know. I don’t know how accomodating I can be – but I will try. Setting appointments is always a good option too. I check my emails (when I’m at my desk, that is) so I could also log on to take your call if time permits. I have to also start studying my physical training booklet more. I don’t want to wait till the last few days before testing to cram. I’m not good at that much pressure. Actually that is a lie – I do pretty well with some added pressure and stress. Unfortunately. Also – I know I’m about 3 days late now with the pictures for this month. I’m running out of space so until I get that figured out – I’m not going to be offering the pay to view with my pictures. If you are interesting in paying for the priveledge to view this month’s set – please contact me on NF and I will send you the zip and you can download them once you pay. There was one more thing… but I can’t think right now. I’m really tired… zzzzzzz. So here’s to less censorship. At least less censorship from me on my own “blog”!

Thank you very much to: NAKAPuppy who bought me my very own Idog with matching green clothes. Milo barks his thank you. We are both VERY happy and he is a welcomed addition to my family. Everyone talks to that little plastic pink Idog as though he were real or something. And he is just adorable – minus the peeing on the carpet and chewing up my favorite shoes! Here Here to electronic pets! NAKAPuppy also wrote some ofthe funniest feedback for me and recently announced his departure from NF. I wish you well, dear NAKA. You have been a great customer – but more than that – you have turned out to be a great friend. Not only do you spoil me rotten sometimes – but you make sure that I know every day how worth it I am. No goodbyes – right?

Also a big warm Thank You to “Steve” – my little nebbish sweetie. Thank you SO much for the lipgloss, underage. I LOVE the name so much – and the tint is perfect for my little lips. So thank you! I know when we talked you said you had also sent me the nice earrings I have been admiring – so I’m sure they are on their way, too. So thank you for that gift, too, in advance!

I really wish I could do my “feedback” mentions today – but my eyes are literally closing and since we are no longer censoring I also have to add that I’ve had to fuckin pee now since about 5 paragraphs before. Holding in one’s URINE is not a good thing…contrary to popular belief. I mean – the act itself of holding in your pee (if you’re a woman) helps develop some of those muscles that make men want to cry when they fuck us. Yes – it makes your use muscles that make your vagina tight. Or so I’ve heard. but holding in cups of urine can also lead to a not so nice puddle under my chair – or a not so nice at all bladder infection and under extreme circumstances – could lead to electrocution. (puts down hair dryer).

No goodbyes…