Ok. So I stole it from Spike Lee. It was theft-worthy. The title completely describes what I’m going thru emotionally. It is a relief – in a way – to be going to school. I pride myself on being somewhat intelligent – and I say “somewhat” because trust me – I do stupid things. I act first and think later – I tend to live vicariously thru romantic films and harlequin romances and while this may make me utterly and completely adorable – it also makes me … I don’t know…a bit gullible in the worst case – clueless in the best case. Perhaps I’ll touch on that later. But I do love to learn. I love discovering new things – I love doing research whether it be on a fetish or a person – I’ve learned – google is my best friend and probably the best text book to a broke college student like me. (thanks for the tip, NAKAPuppy).

So, anyways – I’m in a bit of a daze. I should be sleeping but I have so many things on my mind. School, Men, Boys, Friends, and the ever popular subject – Life. As in – “what am I doing with my life?” “what do I want to do with my life?” “Is this what life is?” and other such nauseating headache causing questions.

I went to my very first class today – and received an assignment that will more than likely be the death of me. I tend to be VERY emotional – (humor me, here… I know it’s as apparent as global warming…) and strangely (or maybe not so strangely) enough most of my best work comes about when I am emotional. It’s like there is a switch in me that gets turned to the on position and works that much harder and produces that much more energy when I’m being traumatized. I’m wise enough to know that sometimes I create these dramatizations (is that even a word?!?) in order for some of this “work” to surface – and I really need to stop doing that. But I never do – I mean I never stop. It’s like an addiction of sorts. This need to always be struggling even when things are relatively easy and have easy solutions. I’m thankful for all the heads this has gone over – but I know those who are closest to me will latch on to that bit of truth like Manna in the desert after 40 days or something. Anyways … I’m a drama queen of sorts – and most of the drama I star in – I also direct and write. Don’t make me repeat it.

So again – back to school. Apparently I misread the schedule. What I thought were Tuesday and Thursday classes were actually a Tuesday class, A thursday class – and then both those classes one after the other on Saturday Morning. 7AM on Saturday morning. I’m usually in bed until 1:00PM unless I have to work – which yeah – brings me to another quandary. I work on Saturday’s – but now I have to tell my boss that I can not work for the next 8 Saturdays due to classes. In an attempt to quiet her need to fire me on the spot – I will probably offer a Tuesday or Thursday DURING THE DAY shift that I could (realistically) work. I’m not worried about NF – I mean – I still have to do a schedule now that I know what my schedule will be (sort of) – but man… how could I have done something so utterly IRRESPONSIBLE as to misread a schedule that was in clear English and in black and white?!? Is this, I have to ask myself, another way of creating chaos in a world of mine that was seemingly pretty damn normal and … um… typical? I thought the fantasies on NF were there to give me a bit of excitement and thrill so I wouldn’t have to create uncontrollable fantasies in my every day life. I THOUGHT that was the reasoning behind my decisions. *sigh*

I guess in my attempt to just get at school and do something productive with my life (that’s my parent’s speaking – but I tend to mesh with them and have a hard time separating the two voices from my own voice…) I completely failed to recognize that a PACE class was not a slow class for kids with learning abilities – but a QUICKLY paced class for people who want to fly thru their studies, apparently. So this 8 weeks of hell will be just that … 8 weeks of hell. And I know I’m suppose to be thinking positively here – but I’m just now sinking into the realization that I will be flying thru a semester course – actually 2 semester courses in a matter of 8 – count them – eight – weeks. U-F-F-D-A-H.

I’m planning on just ignoring the quickly rising panic, however, until I go to my class on Thursday. I’ll see what the syllabus requires of me – and take it from there. I’ll have to bring out the adult CeCe to take over so the little CeCe doesn’t fuck me over once again. You know – the drama queen quality and all. I’ll have to REALISTICALLY think about whether or not I will have time with 1 job and a half, studies, AND also getting my certification in personal training (which will be over the end of May, actually…). I’ll have to quickly weigh the possibility before I even go to my boss – no… I’ll have to go to my boss before hand. Better get that out of the way as quickly as possible – especially since I’ll have to attend classes for at least ONE of my classes on Saturday – no matter what. Unless I drop out of school completely – which really isn’t an option.

You know – no matter how smart I feel sometimes – I’m increasingly aware of the fact that I really am not all that smart. This isn’t an invitation to be told how smart I am. I mean, I really am not hinting around for compliments – I’m being very upfront, here. There are so many people out there that are absolutely brilliant. Who have done what it is that they want to do – have these plans – and careers and things – and I’m just ready (already) to take charge and do it. I want to be the one invited to those art gallery openings – the one who gets invited out to dinner and it isn’t to taco bell by a boy who is still using acne medication cream. I want to be surrounded by people who don’t worry about getting into an apartment – but are concerned about mortgages. People who don’t buy text books – but help write them. I want to be one of those girls who orders room service from a hotel that offers it – not invites boys to a house that she is house sitting for for the weekend. Yeah – I am going to be housesitting in a few weeks time – and NO I won’t be inviting boys over. It’s just an analogy. Seriously. I would never do that. Besides – I don’t have a boyfriend TO invite even if I could/would. I just have this incredible hunger for knowledge and to be one of those people who sort of has it together and is smart. Smarter than I am. School makes me feel like I’m … how do I explain it – like I’m moving into that circle. And I really have to buckle down and get out of my daze and just “do it” – to coin the familiar Nike phrase.

Wow. I figured it out. I’ll take that damn class on Thursday, too. I’ll just do it. I’ll just do it. I’ll just look thru my daze – dig in my heels and do it.

Just do it. Drama be damned.