I have always been the woman/chick/girl who has preferred to give than to receive. I give a man head. I do not receive “head” or cunniligus back. I was asked about this a few nights ago – and for the first time – I kinda acted as though I didn’t understand it myself. I played dumb. I played that dumb blonde act – and skirted around the subject – knowing full well why I hate it – and exactly why I resist it.

With my last boyfriend I use to do a dance. He would go down there – and I would slither behind him. He would pry my legs open – and I would turn my body – half joking that I might break his neck. He would open me up and I would hold my breath. He would start to lick – and I would start to cry. He told me more than once, “stop running”. I really don’t think that he knew what he was saying – but he was right on. I was running. I was running as fast as I could. Holding my breath and hoping that it would soon end – I would run away in my head, too. Go to other places – not quite to the counting the tiles in the ceiling or doing a grocery list in my head – but fuckin close. Having him down there was – yeah – just too fuckin close.

Most men do not care. I’m not going to pretend that my diary dissertation is going to make it ok for men to accept my giving them head from this moment on. Men – for the most part – do not care… wait – let me … no – forget it! I was going to say “boys” and save some egos/feelings – but I stand by my first instinct. MEN generally do not give a rat’s ass what a girl’s reasons are for giving head and denying access to her “muff” (thanks hmmmmm). They are just excited and pleased as fuck to be getting head from a girl. So I haven’t really had to explain myself. I have had only a few conversations on NF with men who CRAVE being able to eat a woman out. I’m not complaining. Trust me. I’d prefer not to have to pretend in fantasy as well as in reality – so it works for me!

It isn’t about my not knowing how to pleasure myself – or being uptight sexually. Hello. I work for Niteflirt – sexuality central. Even if that is questionable – I do own a hitachi wand. Nothing else needs to be said. Well – maybe a few more things. Before Mr. Hitachi Wand I had a glass dildo bought by the same friend who bought me the wand (thanks Doc!). Before that – I had a rabbit purchased at an adult lingerie party that my friend’s oldest sister held in the trunk of her car. Okay – I had 2 rabbits – and after I broke both of them (yes – I did say broke) – I kinda went with a little pocket rocket type thing. And before all those toys – I just went with what was available. The big sharpie markers (closed cap, please), fingers, showers, pool jets, various vegetables, etc. Ok – it needs to be said. I had a stage where -like a boy – I just wanted to see what would go in there. (with in reason). If it looked promising – I was going to try it – just as I put things in my nose as a child – and in my ear and mouth and basically any orifice. There – I said it. SO it’s not about me not wanting to pleasure myself or get off – or me not knowing how to get off. I’m well versed at it. I do it well. I enjoy it. I enjoy when my customers keep that in mind (that girls like to get off too) and allow me a chance at having a true orgasm now and again. I’m not a prude. Have I made that perfectly clear? Ok then.

Well, CeCe, you might be thinking, you just haven’t had it done right. Ok – now how many variations are there to eating pussy?!? I always thought it was pretty basic. There are two folds and in between there is a little sensitive area called the clit – and that shouldn’t be bit on – as much as you teething men would like to do so. I like things inside of me – so … yeah – a finger (well lubed please) would feel good going in and out – combined with a little bit of flicker flicker on the clit – and licking on the lips. Yeah. That could work. Except when it happens it always feels like to me that the fingers just aren’t as smooth as mine – they reach too far up – pressing against some pee mechanism – and NO it’s not me squirting or ejaculating – it’s me peeing in your face cuz you’re pushing against my bladder! Sometimes the licking turns into this kind of sucking or something – or my little thighs start getting all scratched up – or my legs are getting an awful charlie horse cuz of the spread of my thighs. It just always ends up being uncomfortable – and I’m vocal – but not when it comes to teaching a guy how to eat. I know I know. I should tell him. And I do. I tell him that I don’t like being eaten out. Because, I guess, secretly – to explain it would make it really good, I bet – and then I’d lose some bit of control and “we” can’t have that, can “we”? Sometimes I just pretend to like it – counting down the minutes before the penetration starts.

I told my friend a few days ago that it’s “ouchie”. And I threw it all on the sucking on the clit thing – and only being able to cum so many times and blah blah blah. But ya know what? I sort of lied.

It’s not about the physical ouchie at all. It’s more about the mental ouchie. To have a man between your legs – between a woman’s legs (and I think ALL women must feel a glimmer of this!) is the most intimate thing … ever. It goes – for me – beyond having a guys dick in your mouth – or even having a guy’s dick in your pussy for Christ’s sake. (eeew – I shouldn’t put Christ and pussy in the same sentence. Sorry…) To have a man – in between your legs feels like – feels to me like having a guy face deep in your soul. The closeness to me – at that point is so apparent – where one could be casual about anything else. Maybe it’s just me – but I feel like having a man lick my vagina – is a ticket right into my soul. The thought of bucking into a man’s face – losing all control – is not appealing to me. What “appeals” to me – is having a man lose control with his dick in my mouth. And I didn’t want to say anything to my friend about this – because I knew that just having that thought made me so… damaged, really, ya know?

On NF it works. And that isn’t an insult to all the people I play with on line – but you all know what I mean. Intimacy is limited at best – easily described…(Cherish is a word I use to describe… ) but the physical act of intimacy – beyond the fantasy – is where my vulnerability lays. That’s my kryptonite. That’s my ouchie.

So now you know.