I have a few minutes – So I’d like to offer my unsolicited opinion on a few newsworthy items:

• Paris Hilton - I think she’s disgusting. She evokes all kinds of nasty verbage from my throat – like SLUT – and TRAMP – and anorexic foul mouthed spoiled bitch. (somehow that made me feel a bit like my name was pot and I was calling the kettle black…)
  I’m sorry that she is so damn spoiled that she can’t read the note that says YOU CAN’T DRIVE BIATCH – so maybe since she is so spoiled that she can’t read her own judgements – she can now go to jail and learn to read the sign above her bunk that tells her that Helga down the block wants her tiny ass for breakfast. And while we’re at it – don’t think for a moment that even though Paris and her sex tapes and smelly c..t muscle gives me the creeps – I still don’t mind having the fantasy that many American Men probably share with me – and that is – a nice prison guard shoving his nightstick thru the bars and up her little hole while she sucks off Helga’s strap on shlong. Yea, I went there. Shocked?
• David H. from Bay Watch – Damn damn damn. I know booze is from the devil when you’re eating your (what looks like) In and Out burger off the bathroom floor while your 14 year old daughter tapes you. Before I go kinky here – let me just make it abundantly clear to all who read that having your daughter take responsibility for your fucked up ness is just not a good idea. It just isn’t. If you don’t want to drink – then maybe you should have cameras up in your house recording you 24/7 – and then when you fall off your little red bay watch wagon – the cameras will already be there in force to record you. Why make your daughter responsible to do it? She’s too young to be your savior – and you should really be the adult here. Everyone else can sit and moan about how bad drinking is and how you know you have a problem when blah blah blah – but I’m concerned about the role you put your little daughter in. Shame on you Mr. H from Baywatch. Running along the beach in slo motion didn’t teach you a damn thing about fatherhood, I see. So yeah. Taping an older man and using that against him in order to get whatever I want …. that fantasy has been playing on repeat in my mind since this whole story aired. Uff dah.
• Alec Baldwin. Or is it ALEX? Whichever/whomever/whatever. You’re gonna get irrate at you and Kim’s seed and yell all kinds of stupid shit about teaching her a lesson and her being a pig, was it? Are you serious, Mr. Baldwin? Now you know I love you. I happen to think you’re pretty hot. And as disgusted as I was about you yelling at your daughter on the phone – um… it did make me a bit hot at the same time. And I don’t play submissive well. But let’s back up a moment: You left it on a tape for the world (Itube) to listen in on. You’re an actor. Don’t you realize the power (by now) of film and audio and how timeless it all is? Then you go on the view and sit next to Rosie and the other not so important chicks and you think that their maternal instincts is gonna make it all better for you? You’re sitting next to the answer to your problems, Mr. B. and you don’t even realize it. Yes – Rosie. She’s not really all that attractive, really, right? Kinda cute and has a GREAT personality. She’s funny (which you should enjoy) and though she doesn’t spread food around her body like good ole Kim – I’m sure she enjoys a great meal from time to time. Look at her. LOOK AT HER!!!! You should have married someone like Rosie. Because obviously you can have no sense when it comes to attractive sexy women. If you had married someone a bit more … NORMAL looking – then you probably wouldn’t be getting all psycho on your daughter that you share with good ole Kim B. You married the most beautiful woman in the whole universe really – and married a woman that all kinds of men were beating off to daily – and this is where it got you. Insanely angry and bitter and alone. Marry yourself a normal girl who will take care of you – and then spend some of your hard earned money calling some of the “kim b’s” on niteflirt for your little fix. There is truth to the song, “If you want to be happy for the rest of your life…” Think about it. The kink factor? I have my fantasies of fucking a man who has “settled” right along with every other attractive girl like me. For a shopping spree every now and then I might even let you say naughty things to me on my answering machine……..

I feel much better having gotten that off my chest…. Forgive me for being so politically incorrect. or don’t.