I know that sometimes I tend to write about things that are “deep” or “too grown up” for my age - or what people perceive is appropriate for my age. I know that I have a sort of personality that lends itself to brooding and moping about like some tortured suicidal poet that writes in all small letters and stuff. Part of this is just because I tend to think that way and has nothing at all to do with intelligence, you know - unless you perceive intelligence as EMOTIONALLY tuned in or whatever.

I don’t know where it came from. Well - I have a few ideas - some of which I can’t exactly type out for all the world to see. What I can say is that I have always been more verbal than most kids my age - and I grew up with doctors and psychiatrists and ministers most of my life. They don’t talk about the mall - and shopping and frivilous things like that. When I go to see my grandfather he asks me what I think of human nature for crying out loud. When I was quite a bit younger I asked my mother a sexually related question and got a book about sexual choices and masturbation and how being gay was an okay choice. I was still in highschool at the time of the book and was mortified. When I became “a woman” as she called it, I got taken out to dinner with my whole family where they celebrated the new “chapter” of my life. My brothers looked at me from across the table at Perkins and commented that I didn’t look a damn bit different than the day before. THAT is the family that I grew up in. When I was in Grade School my report cards often read like this: Handwriting - Satisfactory Works well with other children - Needs improvement - a bit over sensitive … Verbal Skills - Above Average….

I think it’s that other type of intelligence that makes me pretty good at my job. I “get” it when people call me up and ask for certain things. It’s not that I just “read” people well - I kinda “feel” people well, too. I think that is what makes me good at roleplay - and fantasy type things. I’m inquisitive - and I look beyond the surface and get to the (ahem…) MEAT of things. That’s just who I am. Some people like it - and some people run away screaming. I’m trying to be “casual” about things, too - and give the occaisional breathe heavy and suck your dick type of calls - but they are not my favorite. I would rather build some type of relationship and then it means more and is better for both of us. But I think I’m going places I didn’t particularily want to go in this post…

So this may be a bit “over” some people’s heads - but … it’s just the way I am…

I’m STUCK. Like I feel like there is something that I should be doing - and I just can’t motivate myself to actually do it. It’s more than the pile of clothes that has again found itself on several chairs in my room - about 2 feet away from their rightful destination/place/home. It’s more than my garbage that should have been emptied … a day ago. It’s more than my desk that has pens litering it - and several pictures I printed out for my geneolgy project that was due and completed several days ago. It’s even more than the classes for summer I have to/should have/ need to register for. It’s like I’m stuck. Like something exciting needs to happen or is about to happen - and I’m just blocking it. I feel I need something positive. A new passion or something. NOT a boyfriend (though that would be a nice distraction) but some goal that I should be rooting for. This Stuck feeling kept me up till about 7:00AM this morning watching old movies over and over again. Finally I just had to force myself to lay down and close my eyes and “listen” to the movie so that maybe I would fall asleep. I certainly was tired enough to do so - just my insides were unsettled and …. stuck.

Arg.

I have a few hours before school. I’m going to start cleaning up a bit around here and see if that helps unearth something.

Ok. I’m done. I’ll be back to talking about puppies, orgasms, and lipgloss in the next couple of days. Thanks for indulging me on some persecuted teen angst and drama. Back to your regularly scheduled program…