I think that I would like to be a talk show host - a radio personality, maybe. I’d have an open forum - a sex type program. I’d take calls from wives, husbands, boyfriends and girlfriends, and we would discuss fantasies and how best to “deal” with them. We’d talk about the origins of their fantasies - and talk about how realistic it would be to have a safe playing out of those fantasies - with either a professional or a mate/spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/bootycall. I think this would be an absolute BLAST.

Maybe I’ll make a “other” category and offer this on NF. Not a confessional type of listing - but a realistic I have this type of fantasy and want some advice on how best to live with this type of fantasy. Because I realize that there are some fantasies that just beg to be played out - and doesn’t everyone want to know that there is a safe avenue to explore such fantasies?

I’ve always enjoyed thinking about the origins of some fantasies. I know that there are the obvious ones - the preferences that people hold when it comes to choosing their mate/or fuck buddy or whatever. I’m not talking about that type of “fantasy”. I’m talking about the fantasies that lately people have been calling me about. The sissification type fantasies - the being caught doing something wrong - and punished by dressing you up and sending you out into the mall type fantasy. Or the humiliation - or even the very limited physical punishment type fantasies. Don’t you ever wonder where it came from? Those thoughts or ideas or whatever? And when you figure them out - I mean - REALLY trace them back like someone does with a swab of DNA collected inside a cheek - doesn’t it all make total sense and feel sort of - I don’t know - FREEING?

I don’t think that people need to be afraid of these fantasies anymore. I don’t think that it has to be this bad thing you carry around like some … bright red letter glued to your backside. Unless that is your thing, of course. *wink*.

When I was younger, someone I looked up to - a friend of my very best friend at the time, actually, told me that he wanted to “protect” me. He went on and on about how intelligent I was - and how special I was - and how pretty I was. He absolutely adored me - and I could tell - even when I hadn’t quite put the words to that type of … attention. He often would expose himself to me - but continue talking to me like he hadn’t done anything wrong. I would feel torn. I would want to look - but would glance away - and try to continue our conversation. Often times when I looked up from his penis that was just hanging out for the world and CeCe to see, he would look at me like, “aha! I caught you.” but he NEVER let on that he really caught me for reals. I started to make sure that I would be alone with him for these types of games to continue. And they did.

Another situation and another adult later: My father had an associate pastor of his church. We would have over night retreats where we would go to colleges and things. There were always lots of talks - varying from cults, to sexual awareness, to eating disorders, to … picking the right college (of course!). We would sleep in church basements - all of us kids - boys and girls - and our “chaperones”. This associate would often come over to our sleeping bags and give us little backrubs - and eventually his hands would venture to the sides of our bodies where he would “accidently” brush up against our breasts. I still remember the feel of his breath on my cheek - coming out in little gasps/spurts of moist warm air. After he left he would always “apologize” - say that he couldn’t help himself and somehow always insinuate that we had led him to do it because of how sweet we were - or whatever. He would ask us for our forgiveness - but it always felt to me as though I had been partially responsible. I was not scared - of him. I was scared more about what type of power I had over these men - and what would happen if I didn’t find some way to bottle it up or tame it or whatever.

So flash forward to today. Is it any surprise that I enjoy fantasies about my older sister’s boyfriend who I “seduce” and who later apologizes but always in a way as to suggest I “made him do it”? Is it any wonder that I have some of my best orgasms while thinking of a righteous holy person suddenly giving up the fight of celebacy and fucking me furiously? Is it any wonder that I enjoy fantasies where men expose themselves to me all the while acting like they aren’t showing me anything - while their penis’ jut out from under their robe? And wouldn’t it just make sex that much more enjoyable if I had the ability to talk to my mate about these types of fantasies - or have encounters where I could play them out in a safe, responsible way? Or even if I acted on impulses where these situations “arose”?

I don’t have a radio show - and I doubt that I ever will. I don’t think that such a show could even be aired, really, with out major panic breaking out and the thought police coming to shut me down and haul me off to jail - but I like to think that my little account on NF is my contribution to freedom. *shrugs*. I don’t always have a chance to talk about my own little fetishes - but I know a few of my callers (and a few of the new ones I’ve had lately) know when they have struck a chord with me. Their fantasies are the ones I “run” with - their fantasies are the ones that move me - and make it enjoyable to me - and cause me to not be a “victim” of whatever circumstance they put me in - but an active and willing (at least deep down inside!) actress in their play. Their fantasies are the ones that “get me off” - not only physically but mentally as well.

I hope that I continue to get new callers who are able to see that difference in me - and push me to accept and participate in new roles…and I’m continually grateful that my repeat customers are ones that do this automatically - probably with out thinking/knowing about my hidden kinks. I hope that my small price of 1.80 doesn’t deter someone from taking a moment to talk to me about the history of their own fetishes and fantasies. I really want to know. It helps me understand mine that much clearer. It’s not a prerequisite to calling me - but it is a gift when it happens - when it exposes itself … and I glance down for a moment to look and take it in - before continuing on and act like I didn’t see a thing.

Have a safe a memorable holiday. I shall be around after my final on Saturday for the entire weekend including Monday.