The other day I made an appointment to have a facial.
I have a thing about having my face touched by people. I don’t know exactly what it is about – but I think it’s connected to the same part of me that absolutely hates massages. Before I hear a collective “WHAAAAAT?” from the masses – I don’t even care that people don’t get that. Hearing how insane it is that I don’t want people’s hands on my body massaging me doesn’t make me want to change my mind. I just have a thing about having my body touched that intimately outside of sex. And yes – I can be touched intimately during sex – as long as it isn’t in some massage type manner.

My last boyfriend use to do that to my head. I HATED it. It was the weirdest thing. I would be sitting there and his hand – his whole hand would be on my head – and his fingers would be like scratching my head. I hated it. I don’t mind people TOUCHING my head – but it was that massage type thing that just had me thinking about nails running up and down a chalkboard. Come to think of it – THAT would have been better than the sensation of nails against my head. It was just all scratchy like. And the sound echoed thru my skull – scratch scratch scratch. Ugh. I have issues.

Where was I? Oh – yeah – so My last boyfriend use to do that to my head. And it wasn’t cool. I would sit there and allow it though – because I sensed that it was more about him than it was about me. I literally remember thinking while he was scratching my head that somehow he needed that contact more than I did. I felt like if he had asked me if I liked it just once – I would have been able to tell him that no in fact – I HATED it. But it wasn’t about me and my need to have my head scratched. It WAS about him and his need to scratch it. LOL. I finally said something. It was during an argument though – when most of those things come out. Great comedy sketches are made from such moments, right? Wife to husband: And another thing, honey – why oh why in all that is good and holy do you insist on licking your fingers after EVERY handful of popcorn you eat? Husband to wife: And the way your tongue licks your top lip when you think just irritates the hell out of me! Boyfriend to Girlfriend: I hate those granny panties you wear during certain times of the month. Is that really necessary? Girlfriend to Boyfriend: The way you lift up your left ass cheek when you’re getting ready to fart is so god damn juvenile. ETC ETC ETC.

So I hate massages. And basically hate being touched intimately in a form of a massage by anyone anytime outside of sex. Having someone stand behind me and touch my shoulders is by far the worst thing you could ever do to me. You’re trying to relax me – but really you should just pour me a nice refreshing diet coke with lots of ice and lightly touch my thigh. Shoulders are off limits. I’m sort of ticklish. And I will scrunch up my shoulders faster than you can say, “where’s the hot oil?”

I don’t know why I decided to get a facial. I think I figured that my face was an okay place to touch. I had never had one – and I really wanted to start taking care of my face. I see photographs (untouched I’m assuming) of beautiful actresses and I want to have skin like that. They have facials – so I figured maybe that was the secret. And facials at the beauty place down the way were 40 bucks. 1 hour facials for 40 bucks can not be beat in southern California. At least not by professionals.

When I walked in they led me to this room in the back. The lights were off and some drippy guitar and flute music was playing over the loud speaker. I thought “oh oh”. There was a rose on the bed – and a mint – and a towel. I looked at the attendant with what can only be described as complete and utter panic. She seemed disinterested with my facial exercises. “Put this on” she said pointing to the towel. Alrighty then. I quickly took off my shirt and bra and wondered if I had to take off my shorts and panties, too. I wasn’t going to go there. Denzel Washington could have been giving me a facial and asked me to disrobe completely and I wouldn’t of done it. I’m serious about that. maybe.

I crawled under the covers and the lady came back in and started my facial. There were periods of time when she placed a warm towel over my face and left – and I allowed myself a moment to really sink into the table and relax. She would come back and pat my face dry and apply the next layer of whatever she would later try to sell me – then leave again while steam blew into my face. She’d come back again and tell me she was going to do extractions. Positive that no pulling of teeth were involved I would relax. Her fingers prying into my skin and extracting the bumps that made my face look – I don’t know – bumpy (?) were delightful. I enjoyed the little stings – and the release that would come after her fingers left the area. More cream – more warm towels and then the towel moved down my body. Her hands – reached up and started to massage my shoulders. I tensed up and gave her a moment or two to retreat. She did not. Her fingers kept up their massage – reaching into my shoulders and upper chest and neck and back of neck and as far down my shoulder blades as she could reach with out disrupting my comfortable sprawl on the table. I almost started to relax. ALMOST. And then it was over.

I stayed in the position for about 20 minutes. I allowed my shoulders to bury themselves into the sheet beneath me – and I took long deep breaths and allowed myself to relax. My skin felt – delicious. Smooth. Moist. Clean.

As I got dressed I realized I was hooked. It had been 2 whole hours of “just about me” time. I didn’t have to worry about anyone else – I didn’t have to worry about pleasing her or letting her do something that I wasn’t comfortable with. I had just been officially PHYSICALLY pampered by someone who I paid (lol) and I felt … well cared for. It is indeed a luxury that I will factor into my budget. I just might work my way up to the full body massage by the end of the year, too. I figure 100 bucks is cheap for a massage.

I may be able to write it off as some much needed sexual therapy while I’m at it.
My next boyfriend will be appreciative of my progress….

Just a few questions that popped into my head today. Hopefully I’ll get a few answers to the more nagging questions in my head…

• Where does snot come from? Seriously. Is this just gunk that is in your head somewhere and it just piles out of your nose – and you can’t quite get rid of it no matter how many times you blow it out? Is there a snot factory that is only operating during certain seasons/illnesses – and then in off seasons it basically dries up?
• When people talk about alien abductions and stuff – and the anal probes… does this indicate some fantasy with anal play for the men in their pick up trucks who are getting abducted? And these anal probes – do you think it’s really to get information – or is it just pleasure to the little aliens to stick tubes up creatures butts?
• How many American Idols do they plan on making…and is someone contacting LaKisha right now to fix her open bite and gaps in her teeth? I think she’d be much happier if those little cosmetic things were corrected. Just sayin…
• What is Velveta cheese made of – and why does it taste so good?
• Why are there some women who refuse to lick a man’s ass – but will gladly suck a man’s dick after it’s been in THEIR ass?
• I want to know where the fat goes when people lose it. Last year on the biggest loser – people lost a lot of weight. What was it – a ton? They burned it off “they” say. Ok. where did it go? Into the atmosphere? And could all the fat that is being burned have some sort of affect on global warming. There’s gotta be a connection somewhere. If so – will fat people be fined in some way for just being fat?
• Why was Rosie O’Donnel blamed for being the crazy liberal when in my opinion – no – skip that – when it’s FACT that that funny commediene JOY was JUST as opposing to republican views and even much more abrasive when it came to the BUSH administration. Is it because Rosie is a lesbian and hell – a bit chubbier than Joy is – and we just like to blame the minority for everything that goes wrong???
• Does anyone else feel really bad about dying unexpectedly and leaving a pile of unfinished bills/work/and porn for their loved ones to find? I think about that alot sometimes – and it scares me. Not enough to rid myself of all the porn I have on my computer, but enough to make my nights a bit less peaceful…

That’s all the questions I have right now.

I’ll be on for a little bit longer – and then I have to somehow figure out how to make myself feel better. I have a horrible cold. HORRIBLE horrible. And then there was the laundry accident that I just can’t talk too much about. It’s embarrassing.

I’ll be back later on this week with some of my latest comments/callers. It’s been a while since I did that, huh?

Take care – and I look forward to reading your answers… The more responses the better – I need to get to the bottom of these things ASAP.

I have a few minutes – So I’d like to offer my unsolicited opinion on a few newsworthy items:

• Paris Hilton - I think she’s disgusting. She evokes all kinds of nasty verbage from my throat – like SLUT – and TRAMP – and anorexic foul mouthed spoiled bitch. (somehow that made me feel a bit like my name was pot and I was calling the kettle black…)
  I’m sorry that she is so damn spoiled that she can’t read the note that says YOU CAN’T DRIVE BIATCH – so maybe since she is so spoiled that she can’t read her own judgements – she can now go to jail and learn to read the sign above her bunk that tells her that Helga down the block wants her tiny ass for breakfast. And while we’re at it – don’t think for a moment that even though Paris and her sex tapes and smelly c..t muscle gives me the creeps – I still don’t mind having the fantasy that many American Men probably share with me – and that is – a nice prison guard shoving his nightstick thru the bars and up her little hole while she sucks off Helga’s strap on shlong. Yea, I went there. Shocked?
• David H. from Bay Watch – Damn damn damn. I know booze is from the devil when you’re eating your (what looks like) In and Out burger off the bathroom floor while your 14 year old daughter tapes you. Before I go kinky here – let me just make it abundantly clear to all who read that having your daughter take responsibility for your fucked up ness is just not a good idea. It just isn’t. If you don’t want to drink – then maybe you should have cameras up in your house recording you 24/7 – and then when you fall off your little red bay watch wagon – the cameras will already be there in force to record you. Why make your daughter responsible to do it? She’s too young to be your savior – and you should really be the adult here. Everyone else can sit and moan about how bad drinking is and how you know you have a problem when blah blah blah – but I’m concerned about the role you put your little daughter in. Shame on you Mr. H from Baywatch. Running along the beach in slo motion didn’t teach you a damn thing about fatherhood, I see. So yeah. Taping an older man and using that against him in order to get whatever I want …. that fantasy has been playing on repeat in my mind since this whole story aired. Uff dah.
• Alec Baldwin. Or is it ALEX? Whichever/whomever/whatever. You’re gonna get irrate at you and Kim’s seed and yell all kinds of stupid shit about teaching her a lesson and her being a pig, was it? Are you serious, Mr. Baldwin? Now you know I love you. I happen to think you’re pretty hot. And as disgusted as I was about you yelling at your daughter on the phone – um… it did make me a bit hot at the same time. And I don’t play submissive well. But let’s back up a moment: You left it on a tape for the world (Itube) to listen in on. You’re an actor. Don’t you realize the power (by now) of film and audio and how timeless it all is? Then you go on the view and sit next to Rosie and the other not so important chicks and you think that their maternal instincts is gonna make it all better for you? You’re sitting next to the answer to your problems, Mr. B. and you don’t even realize it. Yes – Rosie. She’s not really all that attractive, really, right? Kinda cute and has a GREAT personality. She’s funny (which you should enjoy) and though she doesn’t spread food around her body like good ole Kim – I’m sure she enjoys a great meal from time to time. Look at her. LOOK AT HER!!!! You should have married someone like Rosie. Because obviously you can have no sense when it comes to attractive sexy women. If you had married someone a bit more … NORMAL looking – then you probably wouldn’t be getting all psycho on your daughter that you share with good ole Kim B. You married the most beautiful woman in the whole universe really – and married a woman that all kinds of men were beating off to daily – and this is where it got you. Insanely angry and bitter and alone. Marry yourself a normal girl who will take care of you – and then spend some of your hard earned money calling some of the “kim b’s” on niteflirt for your little fix. There is truth to the song, “If you want to be happy for the rest of your life…” Think about it. The kink factor? I have my fantasies of fucking a man who has “settled” right along with every other attractive girl like me. For a shopping spree every now and then I might even let you say naughty things to me on my answering machine……..

I feel much better having gotten that off my chest…. Forgive me for being so politically incorrect. or don’t.

This has been the BEST the very best vacation EVER!!! I swear it ranks right up there next to the cruise – and perhaps its even a tiny bit better…(the room service and room attendants cleaning up after you are very difficult to match).

There IS a dvd player – but more than that there is this little thing warner cable likes to call “dvd on demand”. T-R-O-U-B-L-E with a capital T that rhymes with … well you get the picture. On demand is this little thing that is a bit better than the tivo recorder that we have at home. What it does is eliminate (pretty much) the need to record anything. You can just go to the nice little menu and go to your television station of choice and watch a few episodes that you’d like. I don’t know exactly how it works – but it worked well enough for me that I was able to catch up on my charm school reality bullshit with Monique – my “bad girl club” reality series on Oxygen – and then finish it up ghetto bitch style with I Love New York. All these things I would NEVER do at home – and I might never ever admit to them (with out certain kinky torture devices) – but in the luxury of a new setting and while on “vacation” – HELL YEAH!!!! I figure – this is my chance to do all the kinds of things I wouldn’t normally do. I may need rehab after this vacation.

Remember me talking about snooping? Well – I noticed in the freezer these nice little treats called – chicken dumplings. Microwaveable. Need I say more? Then I noticed another little thing called – coke. Not Diet coke either – but the real battery cleaning get stains and rust off your floor COKE. How delicious!!!!!! THENNNNNN while I was partaking in all things sinful – I discovered that smoking really would be a great option – since my house sit – um … house sitee’ ? What do you call it? Anyways – the woman that I am house sitting for smokes everywhere – so … hey… why not? I know I know. Disappointment city.

While I was on my trip down “screw with CeCe’s body lane” – I decided that what I really needed was more sugar. The 6 cans of coke that I drank wasn’t enough sugar for me. So I went to the store. I bought cinnamon toast crunch and some 2 percent milk. Let’s really pick apart what I just wrote in that last statement. Cinnamon Toast Crunch. SUGAR. check. 2 percent milk. Not 1 percent. Not SKIM milk… but 2 percent. And hello – MILK. I’m lactose intolerant. Severely. And I’m so against the drinking of cow milk anyways. Not that I’m a vegan at all – but come on. My cat doesn’t drink my milk. And if it does it shits all over the place. Humans have no business drinking animal milk designed to make a baby animal fat. I don’t care what kind of hype the milk people are forcing down our throats … milk does NOT do a body good. It most certainly doesn’t do MY body good either. And last night was not an exception to that rule. When I say I was sick – it doesn’t even give honor to what I felt last night. If I had wanted to completely revert to past addictions, I would have forced a finger down my throat. TMI? So sorry. When I say that I’m heading on over to the gym today to work out – please believe me when I say I have at least 2 pounds of SOMETHING hanging from my gut and insides that need to be removed el pronto. But oh my goodness – the few days of absolute and complete gluttony did my spirit some good. I think.

As far as the reality binge I did to top off my fat, sugar, caffeine and nicotine binge – I think my IQ is now in the single digits. Those women on reality tv are just pathetic as fuck. Are there girls like that that actually truly exist? Or are they just a figment of some great script writers wet dream? And the bad girl club show? What a bunch of posers. I’m a sweetheart (until I get mad) and I’m more “bad” than they are. A bunch of cry babies sitting around leaving the show because people talked about them and shit? And then when the BAD girls actually hauled off and hit a girl they got removed? COME ON!!! They DEFINED bad beating each other’s asses. What kind of looney concept is that, really? Um – hello Ms. Bitch – I know you’re just getting out of jail where you served time for beating some bitches ass. I would like you to be on our show because you define BADNESS to the upteenth degree. But um – could you please not hit the other whores in the house? If you hit them – then you in all your bad ass ness will be asked to leave the house. Ugh. Who writes these things – and can I propose a REAL reality show? How about 10 or so Phone sex operators living in a house (with 10 phone lines)? How about THAT reality show? How about just 10 girls in the adult sex business living together in a home. THAT would be some reality!!! Just don’t let it be on the Oxygen channel – cuz the execs will probably put some rule in place like, “ok girls – you’re all allowed to do your sex thing – but if you actually FUCK in this house – you’ll be asked to leave.” !!!!!

Anyways – I have a few more days left to my vacation. I think I may be a bit more “calm” though. My stomach is still tossing and turning – and my patch is back on location doing it’s job. I know what it’s like to be “bad” – and the price I am paying for it just doesn’t seem to be worth it. There is no Monique offering me 50 grand – and I’m getting no publicity for my actions so I’ll just go back to being the CeCe we all know and love. With a flavorful “bite”.

Although, I may just have to partake in that gas contest NAKA was talking to me about – and skinny dip as hmmmm suggested, before I return to my reality Saturday morning…

It’s all about balance, baby.