I got home from the gym not so long ago and I kicked my own ass. It’s strange… I thought that I didn’t really have the ability to push myself that hard with out having to prove something to my clients and by that I mean: I would push myself so that they would see that I wasn’t above sweating like a pig if things had to come to that. I knew that they were looking to me to do things - and I knew that I had to be some directional beam for them to follow and so I pushed myself for them. But ever since I quit my job (did I mention that I quit my job? Oh - I didn’t? Well, I quit my job. Long story and a rather boring one - but I quit the main job at the main gym I work at. I’m still teaching a few classes here and there at a nearby gym - but the main job has gone bye bye) I’ve been wondering if I could really push myself for ME.

Tonight I got my answer.

I put on my little pink shuffle and I got my ass to work. I worked so hard my arms ache right now. I worked so hard that my boobs were sweating. You know that not so attractive stream of sweat that kinda runs down a woman’s shirt when she’s working out … yeah. Matter of fact, I think the small of my back and the top of my ass was sweating too. I mean I kicked my own butt back and forth and around the gym. I did pushups galore - and then did crunches on the ball and then I just sat there on the yoga mat stretching and drinking my water thinking to myself … DAMN! I feel good!

I had never though of myself as having those little endorphin moments. I told others about it because as a trainer that’s my job to do. “Keep it up hon and those endorphs will start kicking in and you’ll have enough energy to do 30 more minutes … you can do it!!” Yeah - that was me. And God Save The Queen, I was right! I was on a physical high. I felt good and stronger and ready to take on anything and everything. My head was clear and I wasn’t tired and groggy anymore. All the tension and anger I had been feeling earlier was soaked up in the little white towel that hung around my neck. I felt fantabulous.

I guess not working at that gym and just working out there will be good for me after all. Thought it might be a little difficult, but turns out it felt just perfect.

Earlier today I had a little bit of an endorphin moment also. It wasn’t just the calls I was getting - and for the past few days I have gotten a good share of calls (with a significant amount of newer callers, too…) - it was the caliber of the calls that I was getting. It was as though every caller and I just “fit”. Sometimes after I say hi and the guy says hi there is this moment that I wonder if we’re going to “stick” or not. But 99 percent of my callers that I’ve had for the past few days have stuck like glue. It’s like we just get each other. After the first few calls I just got this burst of energy and excitement like this … yeah - like this endorphin high. I felt like I could talk all nite (and practically did) and I was just in my zone. It’s almost like I gave off this vibe and the people who thought it stank stayed far away (lol) and the people that thought it smelled pretty damn good came in closer for a bigger whiff. I’ll get to a few of the nice things I’ve heard in a minute… but before I do…

I wrote this note back to 2n’s the other day which was so full of things that I didn’t want to say - even though I didn’t write a word about them. It was as though my feelings had hidden messages to them and they were peeking out all through my email at him. And so he called. And the most amazing thing happened… he said, “We’re just gonna talk.” Now to be fair, 2n’s isn’t the first person to have said this to me - but what was so amazing about it is that he knew to do it because of the note I had written to him that was filled with all kinds of angst, I guess the right word would be. So he just wanted to see what was up. And boy did he get an ear full. The result of this phone call is - I realized - that I need to start being a bit more clear about my intentions - and about my expectations - and about my limits. I don’t necessarily need to run people over with it - but I do need to be clear about them myself and more than clear be happy and satisfied with my decisions so that I can clearly communicate them to friends, family, etc. So thanks, 2n’s. You really helped me - and you really assisted me in being able to continue getting to know you with out any of that old crap tainting our stuff. You were a great friend to me today when I needed one - and I won’t forget or take that for granted.

Every once in a while people ask for my advice. I never really know if this is just play time with a twist - or if they really wanna know what CeCe would do. Hmmmm. That’s kinda catchy… I could work on that a little, I think. *wink* Ok - so anyways - So I get a call from someone and we are talking and talking and I think that maybe I should start talking about sex sometime soon. I mean - I don’t mind talking to you guys - you know that - but I’m not going to suck up all your money and then when Ms. “you have one minute remaining” lady comes on ask you to put in some more money so we can talk about the best way to prepare tuna casserole. Unless that’s your thing, of course. So I kinda try to make a segway - but poor Mr. Vin says he isn’t really ready for all that. He tells me about this trip that he’s taken fairly recently and that he didn’t realize how beautiful 18 year olds in bikinis could be. (Silly Wabbit!). So I start to give him some advice. Even though he hasn’t asked me for any. But I know a cry for help when I see hear one. I told him about all the things that little 18 year olds love about men in their 40’s. I told him about all the things he has that impresses 18 year old girls - and how better to utilize these attributes for the best outcome. I dismissed him from class after he wrote on the chalk board that he was a “stud muffin and he had something 18 year old girls wanted” 100 times and then told him school was out. So thank you Mr. Vin for the exciting time in school. I hope you have been doing your homework. I haven’t forgotten that you will be doing a field trip in a few days - and should you need a refresher course … give me a call. I’d be happy to help a student in need out. Hehehe.

One more quick mention before I get to the sweet comments for the day…

My little Dave man. How ever did we meet - and what a great and important playful relationship we are developing. Did you hear my voice change a little when you gave me some “helpful advice”? I think it was because I’m always in a more dominant role with you - so to have you speak up and tell me what you needed (which you definitely SHOULD do by the way!!!) I instantly went into some sort of submissive mode and thought I had disappointed you or something. It took me a while to recover - (like 10 seconds … which seems like a long time when something like that happens!) but afterwards I was really glad that it happened. No relationship (even on the phone!) is easy - and it meant a lot to me (and definitely was worth a mention here!) that you said something to me and trusted me to take in your notes and adapt and make it good. Thank you so much for that important lesson. I mean that sincerely, ya know.

Ok - So this post got away from me a bit… but it’s been awhile since I gave little “shout outs”.

I only really have room for one quick feedback (even though the tons I have gotten lately have been equally important and made me just as happy! ) When I read this feedback I grinned so hard I thought my cheek muscles would break. It’s so him, too… just clever and surprised almost at what a great time he had! LoL! Are you ok yet, hon? This is what my sweet caller I. said after our call yesterday:

• Well, well, well.:) I rarely leave written feedback but I feel compelled. This girl is a gem. One thing that’s rare is the ability to describe things in detail, like clothes, shoes, etc., and she really great at it, not to mention flexible and playful. And the voice is exactly as advertised, if not even better. Pleasing, young, sweet, and, again so rarely, real, not like someone trying to fake a young voice or even worse some kind of voice changing phone. Many definite callbacks and stars.

LOL! Oh my gosh. It just makes me smile all over again. First of all I. you are sweet - plain and simple. 2nd - I’m obsessive about details. I notice everything and it pisses me off sometimes that I can’t write exactly what I see. It’s like there aren’t enough words sometimes to make it clear. So I’m glad that you appreciate that! Thank you so much for taking the time to leave feedback. It means a lot to me that you left feedback at all - but when I realized that you hardly ever do my head just got a little bit bigger! I’m looking forward to describing things and making you pleased again soon. Thanks for the great call.

Ok. 1 term paper later (this diary entry) and I’m going to wrap it on up. I will be working out tomorrow around 2:00PM - and am planning on going out for a bit tomorrow evening - so I’ll try to log in in between those times if I can. I’m also planning on going out on Saturday - as well as working out in the morning - so I’ll try to log on in between those engagements, too. I think I’m going to church on Sunday (hey - Sinners have souls, too!) to ask for forgiveness for all the things I plan on doing Friday and Saturday evening. But after that … I’ll be free until (looks on schedule) Monday, I think. Scary to not have much on my calendar. Going to have to change that el pronto.

Anyways … I’ll be around this weekend - hope to speak sometime during…