Tuesday, July 10, 2007 @ 1:30 am
Clutter
I parked myself on my couch earlier today and went thru my dvr programs - the programs I’ve recorded for some reason or another - that just collect until you only have 2 hours of your 50 hours left to record. Something needed to be done. While I was cleaning it out - I came across an Oprah episode on clutter. I had to watch it.
I can’t remember the name of the guy who does the TLC program called CLEAN SWEEP but he’s a genius. In CeCe speak I have a “brain crush” on him. He gets it. He goes into homes of people who have clutter and stuff everywhere - and he walks them thru a process where they can let go of their shit. I realized that I’m one of those people who has lots of stuff - and the worst part of it is that I have little space to put all the stuff I collect. I didn’t think I was such a stuff person - but I am. I throw away so much stuff it seems I should be the neatest person alive, but I’m not. I have stuff all around me - and though it’s not messy it’s just … just too much. I need to get rid of some of the stuff that is weighing me down so I can make room for the things that I really love and things that I really need.
So the guy says it’s really not about the “stuff”. And I gotta admit that my stuff is really an analogy for relationships in my life that are just clutter. Or relationships that I’ve in one way or another neglected. Or relationships in my life that are making it so other relationships that are important can’t happen.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one that thinks about things like this. I can’t be all that deep can I? Do normal people look at their lives and wonder what is important to them and what they need to clear out? Do other people have drawers they stuff their “relationship clutter” into - and never really open it up because they are afraid of what will fall out - or are concerned that they may never be able to get it closed again once it’s opened?
It’s difficult being open while staying private at the same time. I feel like I have one foot in and one foot out - and I’m not always sure of what I can share here and what I should just take to my private journal (the one I hide under my mattress). I’ve talked before about having a censor - and I hate that I have to have one here…it is after all my space. I guess I just haven’t ever been good at bullshit. If there is something that is bothering me or something that I need to talk about I always have felt that I should do it - and my diary seems to be the place where I can do it. But knowing that several people read this thing every day can sometimes feel as restricting as it is freeing. Maybe it’s just the kind of space I’m in right now - not sure. I just hope it goes away because it’s really uncomfortable! lol.
So on to other not so private things…
I think that I’m going to take tomorrow off. I need a break. I need some time to just clean up some things. De-clutter, if you will. But I will be back on Wednesday - possibly even Tuesday midnight - and will write about some of the latest feedback I’ve gotten. I’m surprised, truly, with the amount of calls I’ve gotten from people who actually read about me before they call. I’m surprised with all of the people who have written to me to tell me they enjoy my writing - and eternally grateful to those who have supported me in this whole writing thing. It’s hard to understand that what I write in here has any impact on anyone’s life other than my own - and I feel somewhat guilty for bouncing my emotions off of my readers, waiting for it to come back to me, and then deciphering what it all means…I mean, isn’t that what THERAPISTS get paid to do? I don’t know if I would have the same type of cleansing if I didn’t have ‘you’ to be the mirror and show me what it all means. Just one more thing to thank my callers/readers for. 
I better go before I delete this post and start again turning what could have been a 30 minute post into a 3 hour one. Sometimes you just have to walk away from the clutter for a bit - buy some containers - and come back and tackle it when you have a place to put things away. Ooooh, good analogy, huh?
Comment by Joe
July 11, 2007 @ 6:48 pm
Celina sometimes you are so deep, I love it. Ironic I just read about a woman who talks about “clutter” in the things people do in the pursuit of happiness.
Her point is that in this world where people feel driven to “keep up with the Jones” They take on too many activities, too elaborate vacations, and over schedule their kids and themselves. Trying to make it look to the world as they are having way more fun than anybody. But in reality they make themselves crazy and stressed out. When they start to limit the things that don’t really make them happy, they realize that the things in life that do were there all the time, but they were too busy to see it.
Anyway I thought that kind of went along with what you were saying.
And I understand how knowing that some of us check this diary out daily (or almost) and how you feel you know us and we know you so well - what I mean is, it feels at times like your sharing your diary with everyone. Diaries usually are to be shared with a bff or no one at all. Just there for us to go back too and reflect on what is going on in our lives.
And yet, I bet sometimes that by reading our comments, you gain an insight that you would not have seen, had you not shared the diary entry.
I think we would all understand if somethings you don’t share, some things you share with only 1 or a very few people. It is your life after all, so you need to be comfortable with how public it becomes.
I better get back to that fantasy story I promised you and stop all this blogging….