I have started and stopped and deleted and backspaced over thousands of words on here tonight. The thing is, I really don’t want to write something vapid just so that I write – but the things that are going through my head probably aren’t the type of things that one should share on a public blog. I just feel stuck again. I go through this every once in a while and there it is…again… that blank page staring back at me with TONS of stuff slamming into me like some pile up on the 405 Freeway during rush hour. I have so much to say and have no way of knowing or trusting in myself to edit it. It’s just annoying as hell. Really annoying.

I haven’t written in my personal journal (and remember – I have tons of them) in such a long time. That probably would help a bit. If I wrote in there I would feel like I’m writing things and feel protected against writing things in here that I shouldn’t be writing about. It’s not that they are that kinky or sexy or whatever. You all know me better than that by now. I just have other people’s privacy to worry about and not sure how much of my life I feel like pouring out onto these pages right now.

I wanted to write about my mother. Then I wanted to write about my father. Then I wanted to tie up all the things I said about each parent and somehow have that explain why I am the way I am. I’m realizing now that if I were to put it that way it would be a Talk Show topic. My mother did this. I thought this. My father did this. I thought this. I now think this way about all women. I now think this way about all men. Thank you for being a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show, CeCe. Tomorrow we’ll discuss the men of Niteflirt – and the women who serve them. I mean … how absolutely deep and boring can I get? (don’t answer that).

I just can’t do it right now. Just know that there is a deep and spiritual post in me ready to be written at some point – but I can’t do it right now. It’s too – scrambled up. And I’m too – tired to place my tiles in a way to make the most out of my letters. I can’t help wanting to and I’m starting to force every single thing that flies off my fingertips. Makes for really lousy writing. There’s nothing worse than knowing you’re writing like crap and not being able to stop yourself from writing it.

Speaking of writing – I wish I would actually start to write something in my Screenwriting class. And if my professor is reading this right now: You’re killing me softly, Sir. You’re killing me. I woke up late today and I didn’t even miss anything. I’m trying really hard not to let that convince me to continue waking up late – and trust me, it’s hard. I walked in and we were watching upcoming attractions. I have watched so many movies now – and written so many plot points to those movies that I really feel … restless. I want to know the rules. I want to know what comes next. I want to start writing and I want to know how to pitch stuff. I want to be sitting here working on my screenplay – not struggling over how to introduce my parents in a blog entry with out it sounding drab, typical teenage angst-y, and boring. I don’t want to come up with any more “ideas” – I want to write. I find myself eyeing the people in my class, particularily one loud mouthed girl who always has an answer to whatever. I want her to shut up – and the only way I can think of that to happen is if we all start to write already. I’m beginning to think that God doesn’t exist because surely he would take pity on me already. Wouldn’t he?

I think I have a Math quiz tomorrow so I should end this. I’m inches away from deleting this – and maybe after I publish this entry I will instantly wish that I had… but I’m really needing to at least have some proof that my head is still attached and that my heart is pounding away in my chest begging to be let out, you know? If I just hang onto all of these feelings I start to slowly go a bit mad. I’m ready to blow, honestly, so I guess this post is just letting out a bit of steam. Keeping the pressure in to let everything soak in for a bit – but letting a little bit of steam out every now and again so I don’t lose my … head. lol. Good analogy? Ok – a bit weak … but it’s the best that I can do.

Such a cuddly kittenish voice makes the wild erotic fantasies you are hearing even more incredible. Email her first with what you need and she will amaze you.

Thanks so much to my darling sweet girl for this feedback. When we accidently got disconnected, sweet Scarlett said with a smile so wide I could FEEL it on the other end of the phone, “Well, now I’ll get to leave you MORE feedback!” Could anyone be any sweeter, is what I’d like to know! Scarlett did email me before our fantasy together and I had a bit of self doubt that I’d be able to to come through for her. I shoulda had more confidence because once we started I was off and running! I can not wait for next time, that’s for sure! Can I just further embarrass you, Scarlett, and say that um … when you said that you had … er… finished – you sounded so damn cute. It was like a confession more than a declaration of accomplishment! “um … oops… I’m done, CeCe…” I must have been on a roll and you hated to interupt my story, huh? Don’t worry … we can have part II next time, k?

I really need to go to bed now. I’m up way too late and no matter what time I close my eyes there will still be a math quiz waiting for me when I open my eyes. Math is like that.