So … if I wait 4+ days before writing in my diary, will I have something of value to say when I finally open up my editor/word program and start writing? Stay tuned…

On Wednesday I attended my writing class and learned more about plot points. LOL. I’m not so bitter about it anymore though. Honestly. Tiffy - you can put your letter away - I won’t be needing it anymore. I realized that truthfully - my teacher is just doing what I need him to do right now and that is give me a handy dandy excuse as to why I’m not writing. We go through this a lot here on this diary, people … feel free to just power ahead - skip a few paragraphs and pick up around the time I talk about my favorite callers. I won’t mind.

See, my teach wants us to know about the whole plot point thing to the point that we recite them every time we see a movie. Hmmm .. that was plot number 14 me thinks! It impresses your friends and other movie goers. But for reals, he really does want it to sink into our skulls. The plot points are our mid-term and the 30 pages of script are our final. I should be a bit more, um … what’s the word I’m looking for? … oh yeah! I should be more appreciative (lol) of my teacher. The other reason why I should be thankful is that I have not written a thing. I really hate when Rolf is right (lord knows I do!) but he’s right. There is absolutely NOTHING that is getting in my way of writing. There hasn’t EVER been anything that has gotten in my way. Even when I didn’t have the right software (which now thanks to Uncle Randy I will - thank you SO much U.R. for buying me Final Draft! You are a Godsend and I absolutely love you for giving me such a great present with out me even HINTING at it. I’ve hinted to other people about that damn program but never to you *smiles* so it was really sweet that you saw I needed it for class and went ahead and got it for me!) I didn’t have an excuse for not writing SOMETHING. Even before I knew what plot points were I certainly had ideas in my head and I certainly could have written them down. The sad truth about me - when it comes to writing in particular - is that I have this fear factor that haunts my sweet ass whenever it comes time to really do that one thing that I really love. And truth be told I will find all kinds of excuses or reasons for not doing any of it. First I needed to de-clutter my home so I could think. Um - I decluttered and I still didn’t write. Then I thought - okay - I need to take a class or something - so I took a class. Still did not write (and this was before the current class I’m taking.) So then I thought what I really need is a writing partner - but then I sort of have sabatoged those friendships in various ways so they can’t hold me accountable for writing. Ok - so then I thought what I needed was books - paper - a printer - a lap top - um… a brain transplant. The truth is - while all of these things will help me TREMENDOUSLY (especially that brain transplant) I have had the ability to write every single day - at least something - and I haven’t done it. So ok, Rolf, you got me. Once again. I’m not even mad about it anymore, honestly. I’m too tired of my tired ass excuses to be.

Wow - that could be a downer of a paragraph, couldn’t it? I’m going to leave it as is, though. Summarizing things and giving some clever little solution makes for a tidy blog, I admit, but I’m tired of making promises I have no intention of keeping. What’s that saying about Bullshit walking? yeah. So…

On Thursday I took my Algebra test and I got 9/10. Right - for all you smart asses out there…(I can hear you now … 9 out of 10 wrong, CeCe?) There was one question that I really just freaked out about - but I worked it out and I still got the wrong answer though it made ALMOST good sense to me (my answer) - so hey - I’m happy that I at least got 50 percent of the process correct while solving the problem. Course there is no “almost” in math. Either it’s right or it’s wrong - but like most things in my life I’m realizing that there is some poetry to a process that really should be honored/appreciated. If you do things enough and there is a rhythm to it that seeps into your brain … hey … eventually you’ll grow some confidence, right? I’m trying to cultivate that in my relationship with this whole Math thing. It’s cool how sometimes you’ll do a problem and your fingers just fly about and you piece things together and you come up with the right answer and you wonder HOW the hell did I just do that? Practice hasn’t made 10/10 perfect but it certainly has helped me grow a bit more confident about a subject that use to give me panic attacks. Progress is a good thing.

Friday - Saturday I signed in and took quite a few calls. I don’t remember having such a busy weekend since last month! I had a really great time - met some great new callers I’m looking forward to knowing/exploring/spoiling/being spoiled by/teasing/humiliating and seducing. Whew! I really like those calls that just fall in line with the types of calls I like to do - my personality - etc. It’s like meeting a new friend and you’re stumbling all over each other when you talk. It’s not due to your not knowing when they are done talking or whatever - it’s due to your “energy” really. The way in which you already know what the other person is thinking - what they need - and you’re so excited that your words are boiling over onto each other type energy. I sold some more pictures to a great admirer - and also got more feedback than I remember receiving in a long, long time. That’s always nice to see! Oh - and I also received a really nice tribute from a long lost caller who called me up for a great hour role play. If it was simply about the “money” and “job” situation I would call tomorrow a day of rest, go to church and absolve myself, and do some laundry - but um… I don’t wanna! *grin* I will be on probably late morning/early afternoon. At least I’ll be on alerts if nothing else. Then I’ll log in for a few hours before calling it a night and getting some rest for Monday classes. I gotta talk to Tiffy and Mama Tee about revising my schedule ONCE MORE - as I’m going to have to be available during Saturday DAYs more often. I had forgotten how much fun I have on Saturday mornings - in my pjs eating cold cereal and excusing myself to take calls and be naughty in between my favorite cartoons.

Ok - so yes - I still love my little man, Jackson. And yes - he’s still testing his limits every chance he gets. My Doc, hearing my anguish about the torn up pee pads (Jackson now tears 3 of them up daily whenever I leave him alone for more than 5 minutes in his play pen - which consequently has every toy imaginable from every Pet Store in Southern California!) bought me the wizdog I had mentioned a few posts back. That should help with much of my pain. Jackson is just a bit stir crazy. He is outgrowing his little cozy room in the kitchen and has gotten a taste of freedom and peeing on area rugs. He is not an easy one to contain any longer and often times, yes, I ask myself what the flying fuck I was thinking by getting a PUPPY at this point of my school year. But then I pick him up to take him to bed with me at the end of the night - and hold him on his back in the crook of my arm, you know? Like a baby. He looks up at me and kisses my arm, fingers, any bit of skin he can lick, and I just melt. He yawns and the smell of his puppy breath (which always gets me) intoxicates me. And then I remember the “why”. I got him because a part of me really needed it. Hopefully I didn’t get him as a further excuse for not writing - but more for a sort of inspiration that I so badly needed. It is indeed much more of a responsibility than I ever imagined but one that I’m happy to embrace. A lot of this is just him being a puppy and I really can’t take it personally - or like he’s some asshole that is setting out to make my life more difficult, you know? Jackson has… completed me by being something I can so easily give my affections to. If I was a guy with this cute puppy Jackson would also be getting me laid. Seriously - this dog is cute…everyone says so.

Alright … I’m going on alerts while I watch a movie and doze off for a few hours before I face the end of my weekend. I’ll speak with you soon - if not tomorrow then definitely Monday (12:00-2:00pm, 7:00-12:00 is my tentative plan) Thanks again to all those who gave me such sweet feedback - and for the new callers I had the pleasure of meeting. Looking forward to many more sweet encounters!