While speaking to Rolf the other day – I realized something about myself that probably is like “duh” to anyone who reads me: I am a perfectionist. When going into anything I always weigh the possibility that I may fail – and if I know that I will fail I tend to give up and try something that is a bit more… a bit more… well – a sure thing.

So while taking classes I tend to take those classes that interest me but classes that I know that I will do well at. This would not be a problem save for the fact that I want to get a degree. Getting a degree in a liberal college means that I need to be well versed in a lot of subjects – subjects that had I been given a choice, I would run away from. I would run fast — because I hate to fail.

I realize that life is about taking chances – and for the most part I do take them…but they are small little chances that I know I can recover from if I fail miserably.

You all know I’m taking biology, right? I’m learning all about atoms – and how they combine to make molecules – and how these molecules combine to make little tiny organelles. After everything is combined and grouped together into little systems and little organisms made of tissues and organs we have an organism – then a population and then lo and behold! A biosphere! All this made possible by that tiny little atom I had no interest in before my biology class. To be honest, I still am struggling to appreciate that little thing – but my affections for it are increasing. In class the other day my teacher said something that I, of course, grabbed a hold of. She said that there are elements that are stable – and there are elements that are NOT stable – and asked us which we thought were more interesting. She didn’t grab me there. She grabbed my attention when she said that it’s the lack of stability that makes things interesting. People long for stability and they cling to those who can offer them that stability – and well, elements are the same. They move around – making relationships with all sorts of things in their attempt to become more stable. They either lose something in order to gain that – or they move next to something to share their “stuff” (I know there is a scientific word for this – but it really doesn’t belong in my statement here so I’m using stuff… ) so they can be stable. It’s this search that Scientists find so interesting, much more interesting than those boring completely stable things that don’t do anything but relish in the fact that they are “whole”.

I can’t stop thinking about that. What I think my teacher is saying – is that the PROCESS is much more interesting than the PRODUCT. Is that it? If so – the process of my learning how to do something is the real lesson here…much more of a lesson than let’s say – already having arrived. So (sigh) taking a class in biology and learning something new is much more important than taking a class in music history and reciting back the romantic composers and their work by memory (because, yes, I know them. lol!) Well I’ll be damned. School is all about the interesting things that can happen to the students when we are in our most vulnerable unstable state? That’s when interesting things happen? How absolutely fricken poetic is THAT?!?

That’s all I have for you today. It’s time for bed. I have Biology lab and then lecture tomorrow. I’m going to try to have a better appreciation for Biology. It doesn’t deserve my hatred. It’s something that I may not like even after I’ve learned all there is to know about cell structure and the like (well – all that a undergrad who is majoring in English probably needs to know) but I’ll try focusing more about the instability and process rather than being perfectly stable and somewhat boring. I guess that’s what “growing” up is suppose to be about; the process – rather than the destination or the “state” of being…whole.