Last night I slept like a baby. My mouth was closed – I was breathing through my nose (a great thing when your mouth is closed, don’t you think? *duh*) and I had the most enjoyable dream! I was in a play house – playing with some kids of a friend of the families. Their father I guess was recently divorced or something – not sure. He was playing with us in the play house for a bit – peeking through the curtains from the outside – chasing us around the house and other things like that. The kids were squealing and laughing – and jumping on me and I was having so much fun protecting them from the “big bad wolf”. I started to write these little notes and slipped them through the door of the play house. One of the notes said “No boys allowed – not even handsome big boys!” I managed to open up the door and slip the note through it with out letting in the “boy” – but after I closed the door I realized that I really did want him inside of the house again – so I casually opened it… well – you get the picture. I was flirting big time – and having a wonderful time. The thing that was so great about this dream was the energy that we had. There were other people around playing with us but it seemed like it was just the two of us. Jackson was running in and out of the house – and my old dog Maggie was inside on the couch just chilling – watching all of us but too tired and content to join in. I think my family was somewhere in the house, too – but they never really “appeared” in this dream. So just as I was waking up – this father of 2 little girls and I made our way into the family room. He was sitting in our big over sized chair – and I was sitting on the couch that has been my bed for the past week or so while I’ve been ill. It’s in front of the big screen T.V. – so it’s clearly THE hospital bed. I looked at this guy – laughing and smiling – and said to him – “We’re like little kids who have played together for so long but refuse to say goodbye at the end of the day even though we may start getting on each other’s nerves.” He just sat there and smiled at me. Minutes seemed to go by and then he stood up and walked over to the couch where I was lounging. He sat right by my feet – picked them up and placed them in his lap. His hands were just posed – so delicately above my feet – while his eyes searched my face for the “ok”. After a few moments of intense penetration (his eyes!!!) I asked him what he was thinking about. He said, “I was thinking that there is nothing “kid like” about the way I am feeling. I hope you really don’t feel that way, either, Ce.” And he slowly lowered his hands to my feet and started to rub them. “I hope this is okay.” He said – and I stared into his eyes that were some intense shade of something (you know how in dreams you see things and they are so intense but it’s almost like they have no shape – no color and no face?) smiled, and curled my toes into his fingers. And then something woke me up! I tried to snuggle back into my bed so I could figure out what was going to happen next – but I couldn’t go back there. And I know he was waiting for me too! Man!

A few weeks before I got sick my ex boyfriend called me up. He casually asked me to come over – which everyone knows means “booty call” – even him. He seems to think somewhere in his demented mind (probably because there was a time when that was really ALL there was to “us” was the physical part – like somehow if we were fucking long enough the fact that we had absolutely NOTHING in common wouldn’t bother either of us….) that we still have that “thing” that propels us together or something. It’s so magnetic that all I need to hear is his voice – and I’ll jump. I figured almost a year of my not calling him would have given him the message that this “magnetism” is indeed a myth he conjured up in his own feeble mind, but apparently that year doesn’t count when he’s with someone else. Time just stands still. (laughing). And I’m really not bitter about it. I don’t “want” him any more. It would be really nice if I did however, because according to the calls asking me to come over – and then to talk with him before I went to bed (um…. yeah – phone sex) he was all ready to jump into some sort of “thing” – but it sucks because I’m not even half way attracted to him or the idea. I spoke to a few of my callers about him (my therapists I call them… lol… thanks guys!) and the whole thing didn’t really bother me that much. It wasn’t like I was sitting here crying because my ex finally called me and “wanted me back”. As a friend of mine once told me “they always come back”. It was more a general feeling of sadness because I couldn’t be there in the happy receiving mode. I seriously have no attraction to this person left – and all the “good times” are just some sort of filler for future dialog in some screenplay. But I wish that there WAS something. Sometimes when you’re incredibly lonesome it’s possible to take that “wish” and attempt to create reality from it. Things that bother you about the other person can be weaved into some fantasy and not bother you at all because that “want” of “having someone” is stronger than your damn logic. My only defense when feeling that “vulnerable” is to run far far far away and not look back. So I said “no thank you.” and committed his new number to memory for future “screening” opportunities.

I have always had this plan – and “this plan” is to finish school. Then my plan is to move and go back to school for maybe my Master’s. If those things don’t “click” for me then I’ll simply move (East Coast I’m thinking) and just … well… write. I’ve had this “plan” in my head for a long time – and I’ve allowed a lot of things to kinda come and distract me from it. Including boys. I’ve told myself for a while that it simply isn’t worth the trouble – which is why my relationships with all of “you” on line works for me. We talk when we talk and there is no pressure, is there? We flirt – and occasionally you all rub my feet and I rub … yours (laughing) and we have a great time when we are able to. No complications. No mess. No fuss. It’s a mutually beneficial release. I remind some of my callers of our relationships when they start feeling pressure. You don’t have to let me know what you did last night – and you don’t need to get my “permission” to hang out with the boys tonight instead of stopping over to watch Sleepless In Seattle with me in bed with a tub of popcorn. That’s what makes “us” so special, right? The girlfriend ultimate experience with out the guilt.

A dear friend of mine told me once that maybe he wasn’t like my “other callers”. He really LOVED his wife. He loved being married to her, he loved coming home to her – he thought she was the sexiest woman alive and he wanted to make love to her constantly. He told me these things in a rush of emotion that made me adore him even more for having said it. He wasn’t concerned that I would pull the plug on what kind of relationship we had because I wasn’t THE sexiest or the woman he wanted to be with – he understood (with out me explaining it) that it was not even a realistic contest between the “fantasy” me and the REALITY her. I’ve always allowed “you” to have that – and recognized and accepted and clung to my place in the reality of our fantasy. Make sense? But the thing about this dream that I THINK I’m starting to understand is that I haven’t ever really allowed myself the same sort of possibilities. There are “plans” and then there are things that just happen. There are – laps willing to accept my feet in them – and hands longing to touch them with my permission. There is playing house – and then there is making a home and well – there are boys. And then there are men.

I think I’m feeling a lot better.