I have one solitary final tomorrow early early early - I have studied more than I care to - and will look over my notes one last time tomorrow morning - or I guess I should say - in a few hours. *sigh* I’m glad it’s over for a few weeks until Summer session starts.

I imagine I will have time this weekend to log in and make my presence known - but not sure how many of you will be around. I’m reluctant to say when I will be logging in, too - I may just crash tomorrow and not sign in until the wee hours of the morning. I do have to take Jackson to his class on Saturday morning (he’s back in school too - the rebel) and then after that - who knows. I’m home alone for the entire holiday weekend so who knows what trouble I will find.

Anyways - just thought I’d send up a little response in response to Tiffy’s plea in my comment section. Figure it was either a comment back to Tiffy or a bit of an update here - one or the other is about all my fried brain can handle at the moment. So thank you very much Tiffers for checking in on me to make sure I’m still breathing over here. And thanks to all the other folks who have dropped me a line. Hoping you all haven’t totally forgotten about me and will rejoice when I return but I do know that there are only so many times I can pull the disappearance act and still expect you to be waiting. There’s patience and then there’s just … Job.

Wherever you land in the spectrum of patience - I hope you all have a safe and lovely holiday.

Thought I would be done with mommys day celebration - however, I’m stuck doing the dishes … which I don’t mind. It’s kind of therapeutic. I’ll be on closer to 11:00PM - and will be staying up late late late tonight (as long as I’m needed … )

Sorry … but I’m sure you were all busy celebrating mommy day with either your mommy - or a stand in mommy - or your wife who is a mommy or something else totally kosher and sweet for this holiday. Now that everyone is tucked in bed I’m sure you’re running around looking for some trouble to get into. I know how you feel… I’ve been tip toeing around all day too - on my best behavior. I’m about to burst.

I’ll hurry up and log on as soon as I am able. Sorry for promising something - I really thought it would happen…

xoxo

Lists have become a way of life for me. I now color coordinate them. Blue for things that are sort of optional to do. Hot pink for urgent - needed to be done “like, yesterdayyy!” and green for it would be really cool if you could find a way to squeeze these things into your schedule, too.

Funny - I always made these elaborate lists before - but never ever had any success in clearing even half of the items off the list. Of course I had lists with 30 items on it to do sometimes - but even with my lists that didn’t have all that many items to accomplish - I found myself struggling. Things are definitely much better now. They aren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination (and I know that you all have great ones!), but it’s getting better. With every list I make I gain a little bit more confidence in myself that I’ll actually get things done. I didn’t realize before how hard it is on a person to continually make promises (resolutions, lists, business plans, budgets, goals) and then to continually break those promises; one after the other. For the first few days I would write lists and just beat myself up for not accomplishing everything on it. And then I realized that I felt “okay” if I just got a few things done…well not really okay - but I wasn’t devastated. I was disappointed but not suicidal - *laughing*. Soon - I was accomplishing even more on my list. Other times I would be sitting just doing the typical disassociation that happens around 2:00PM every afternoon for me (haha) and I would suddenly reach for my notebook that I keep my lists in to see if there was something on that list that I could accomplish while just “sitting around”. I realize that there needs to be time for relaxation, too - but what you all may not realize about your dear little CeCe is that - I find time to relax. I’m just usually so riddled with guilt that I can not enjoy the time I’ve set aside to relax. I have all these other things I need to do - and I relax my way into a movie in order to avoid those things … you know? As much as I love The Sound Of Music - it’s pretty damn difficult to sing The Lonely Goatherd when you know you have a Poli Sci Test in 6 hours that you have yet to study for. Or that you should have written to your best friend and thanked her for her thoughtful card, or that you should have rescheduled your ortho appointment or called to get your teeth cleaned so you could MAKE your ortho appointment and they wouldn’t yell at you for not having your teeth cleaned first.

Welcome to my mind. Unplugged. Scary, ain’t it?

Anyway, things are beginning to look a bit better. Things are a lot easier than they use to be, but I’m still trying to settle into this mode of thinking and being. My family is happy to report my temper has somewhat subsided (I know I know - hard to believe that I had a temper, right? But I had a HORRIBLY short one. I’m learning a bit to let a whole lot of extracurricular bullshit slide far away from my path and keep it going, ya know?) and even Jackson seems better behaved. I’m not quite out of the woods altogether - but I can at least see that things are pleasant out here in the wilderness.

I’ve put writing on my list and so far I’ve managed to either write in here, or in my journal (I’m working my way to being able to write 3 pages every morning… Julia Cameron, who wrote The Artist’s Way, calls them “morning pages”) every single day. I have also started to attend a writer’s group where we read our works out loud to a group of pretty damn good writers. I’m happily the baby of the group…trying to take in what everyone is doing and reeling in my excitement at being inspired to write again. I’ve shared on 2 of the evenings so far. The second night I attended I read some of my poetry (10 or so pieces), and at the 2nd meeting I shared the beginning of my screen play I had started last year but then went in another direction because I realized that maybe it made a better novel than a screen play. I have never written a novel before in my life. But I have plenty of books to tell me how to do it (like you all didn’t notice I collect books on writing!)! But as manic as I’m sounding right now - it’s not with fear that I write all of this. I don’t have the same sense of … anxiety when I think about the things I want to do - and the things I want to try. Before I guess I felt that maybe I would never let myself actually do them. I was worried that I wouldn’t have time; that I would put these things down on a list of things to do and that list of things to do would never get done. I would wake up the same way I do now … but instead of feeling euphoric about the choices I had and the many paths I could choose - realizing that any step I decided to take would be the right one, I instead felt this feeling of … anxiety (that’s too easy of a word), panic (still too easy), sadness (getting closer), dread. Yeah. Dread. blah, right?

**deep moment alert - skip over if you’d like to - read at your own risk**

So yeah - I’m finally getting to love this CeCe you all get the pleasure of seeing most of the time. *wink* I’m just getting to know her - I mostly keep myself company with the dark side of CeCe that many of you never get the chance of seeing. And you should all thank me for that during our next call together. Of course if you are the 2 or 3 that have seen this “side” of me along side the other CeCe (this is when I start feeling a bit like Sybil…talking about myself like I’m a dual person or something?) I suppose that would make the 2-3 of you actual true friends of mine. I should be thanking you, then for showing me how 2 of me can co-exist and create an okay kinda girl, right?

**End too deep moment - Curtain raises - lights go up**

Alright - I’m very much aware that I have a few surprise gifts that came in during the past week - and that I need to fully organize myself so that I don’t inadvertently miss someone. I also have been hanging onto a piano piece for quite a while… Karl (My directionally impaired slave (in training) ) sent me this sonatina book off my wish list a while ago, and I felt that it would be a treat to play something and upload it as part of my podcast. Well - it ended up being this huge practice session - complete with me cussing and screaming over hard passages - and saying “oops” a lot and laughing at myself. It’s pretty revealing and Ed was kicking my ass a bit more than usual and I didn’t get it “up”. I am still trying to decide if it’s just too much to reveal to post it. Seriously, I sound so absofrickenlutely adorable cussing and screaming while I make mistakes playing classical music. LOL! Fuck it - I’ll probably post it … let me see if it makes it to my list.

So podcast and thank yous I still need to “tie up”. Probably soon after Mommy’s Day. My son Jackson (the doggy) is going to be taking me out so … I don’t know when I’ll be back at the computer to upload anything. You understand I’m sure. *wink*

Look for me after 10:00PM tomorrow evening. I was on really super late this evening and had a long hypnosis call on my new listing. It took a lot out of me (whew - some of you all go a bit crazy/wild/kinky with those trigger words!!) so I signed off not soon after I ended the 60 minute call. I won’t be that late tomorrow - or today I guess - Saturday Evening. I’m not planning on going out or anything … so I can be on around 10:00PM PST - till kind of late I am thinking … unless we have church to attend to on Sunday (Someone has to pray for you all! *wink*). I’ll try to nonchalantly ask about it with out seeming too eager NOT to go if you know what I mean. There is an art to being a teen and getting out of responsibilities so you can play with your friends. It’s a very powerful gift/tool which requires much responsibility when using it. Sunday I will be logging in for a bit but not sure what time yet. Probably Evening … definitely evening… after 9:00PM I hope. We might be eating dinner later for some reason but I’ll try to stay on top of that and let you know of any changes. Notice I said “try”. yeah. I know my limitations

Gotta go. Much to do tomorrow and it’s already 3:28PM. Must….sleeeeeeeep….

Thanks for all of the comments, letters, sweet prezzies (cash) and extended calls just so you all could tell me you’re there and you get it - and you’re supporting me and will support me in any way you are able to. It was just what I needed/wanted most.

Oh - and since I made a promise about a certain movie collection on my wish list - SBJ - I adore you, love you and I’ll try to make this the first week where I’ve been able to write 3 times. We’re counting Sunday as part of this week, right?

“Where have you been, CeCe?”

“Oh - busy with school - trying to train Jackson, trying to get a handle on what I’ll be doing this summer - and well - trying to keep out of trouble.”

“Well - you must have been REALLY busy … usually even when you are busy you find time to update your blog…”

“Well there is just SO much to talk about I tend to get overwhelmed…”

“What is SO much, CeCe?”

“well - school, for one… ”

“Yeah - well - you got that under control don’t you?”

“Well, now that I can see…”

“Now that you can see?”

“Yeah - I’m kinda blind - got my eyes checked lately and now I have some mighty fine glasses coming to me that should help me be able to see better. I hope.”

“Well - yeah - surprised you weren’t getting any headaches!”

“Actually I was. I just didn’t let it bother me - too many other things to worr… ”

“So what else is there that is bothering you?”

“Well - let’s just leave it at I recently got a diagnosis… and it makes things a WHOLE lot clearer… it explains quite a bit about me…”

“Ok - that just sounds scary. You’re not dying or anything are you? You don’t have cancer or some other illness that is going to kill you ….”

“As tempting as that is to take off with and get plenty of sympathy for … no. I actually am feeling pretty well. I just have a condition that makes it hard for me to concentrate - stay on schedule - not procrastinate - and a few other things… no big deal but pretty big discovery. I mean - I had no idea. And now that I know I have to make some decisions and some plans on how to live my life a bit differently to allow for this … thing I have. I’d rather not get into the specifics of it … but it explains an awful lot about me and I’m looking forward to having my life improve now that I’ve had the diagnosis for it and am now receiving treatment for the … um … disorder, we’ll call it. Actually I’m going to call this thing I have “Ed”. ”

“Why Ed?”

“It just seems like an Ed. Short name - kinda doesn’t have time to be called EDWARD - just wants something quick and to the point. At first glance Ed seems like the guy next door - you know - a neighbor or whatever. But when you start talking to Ed you realize he has many layers and is pretty complex. That is - if you give Ed a second glance… ”

“Hmmm … I’m trying to follow you here. Are you doing some sort of analogy?”

“Not really an analogy - just a … well - ok. I guess I’m doing an analogy. But my disorder’s name is Ed. I’d just like to refer to it as something - give it a name, you know? An identity. Things are easier to figure out once they have a name attached to them. So let’s call this “thing” I have “Ed”. ”

“Ok - so Ed it is. How long did you and Ed - um - … ”

“Fuck?”

(laughing) “Ok - fuck. How long have you and Ed been fucking?”

“I guess my whole life. I never knew though. I thought it was something else. ”

“You didn’t know Ed was fucking you?”

“I had no idea… ”

“Then what….”

“I thought this whole time that I was fucking with myself…”

“Wow. That’s deep.”

“Yeah - it is… ”

“So now that you know Ed is fucking with you… Did you tell him to stop?”

“Well - it’s not that easy, turns out.”

“Really?”

“Well yeah. I just know now that someone - well ED is fucking me - but that doesn’t mean that now that I know he’s fucking me he will stop fucking me.”

“Well, did you ask him?”

“Sure I did.”

“And he didn’t stop?”

“No. He thinks I’m a pretty good fuck, turns out.”

“So what can you do?”

“Medicine.”

“Medicine… seems like that’s the answer to every problem on the face of the earth. Feeling blue? Here’s a pill. Feeling edgy? Here’s another pill. Need help not missing the pill you can no longer take? Here’s a pill for that… ”

“Who are you? Tom Cruise?”

“No seriously - I just think there is too much pill popping going on around here!”

“I tend to agree…”

“But?”

“But - I don’t know what to say. I’m taking a pill.”

“Is it working?”

“It takes the edge off…”

“Oh - well - so does coke. ”

“Yeah - seriously many people who have relationships with Ed find that Coke does a body good, too. I just happen to think the pill I take is a bit less habit forming than coke - and well, it also doesn’t carry with it a prison sentence if caught with it.”

“I am trying to understand… ”

“So am I… ”

“Will you be around - write about it… ”

“Ed.”

“Ok - write about Ed - get it out in the open - and then I don’t know, maybe do a podcast sometime soon?”

“Yeah. I’ll write about Ed. Sometimes it’s difficult writing about stuff like that. But I’ll write when I can in a way that is safe for me to do so… I do have some sort of reputation/image to uphold…”

“Fuck an image - most people have come to care about you and could care less about the image. You know that…”

“I know .. sometimes Ed just makes it appear as though … it’s one more thing that’s overwhelming…”

“Yeah - well Fuck Ed.”

“I’ll let him know you said so.”

“Take care CeCe…”

“Thanks… I will… ”

“Oh and Ed? Go easy on her … try some lube every now and again, would you?”

“That’s what the medicine is for, I think. Lube.”

“Oh - ok. makes sense. Love you CeCe…”

“Love you too.”