Lists have become a way of life for me. I now color coordinate them. Blue for things that are sort of optional to do. Hot pink for urgent - needed to be done “like, yesterdayyy!” and green for it would be really cool if you could find a way to squeeze these things into your schedule, too.

Funny - I always made these elaborate lists before - but never ever had any success in clearing even half of the items off the list. Of course I had lists with 30 items on it to do sometimes - but even with my lists that didn’t have all that many items to accomplish - I found myself struggling. Things are definitely much better now. They aren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination (and I know that you all have great ones!), but it’s getting better. With every list I make I gain a little bit more confidence in myself that I’ll actually get things done. I didn’t realize before how hard it is on a person to continually make promises (resolutions, lists, business plans, budgets, goals) and then to continually break those promises; one after the other. For the first few days I would write lists and just beat myself up for not accomplishing everything on it. And then I realized that I felt “okay” if I just got a few things done…well not really okay - but I wasn’t devastated. I was disappointed but not suicidal - *laughing*. Soon - I was accomplishing even more on my list. Other times I would be sitting just doing the typical disassociation that happens around 2:00PM every afternoon for me (haha) and I would suddenly reach for my notebook that I keep my lists in to see if there was something on that list that I could accomplish while just “sitting around”. I realize that there needs to be time for relaxation, too - but what you all may not realize about your dear little CeCe is that - I find time to relax. I’m just usually so riddled with guilt that I can not enjoy the time I’ve set aside to relax. I have all these other things I need to do - and I relax my way into a movie in order to avoid those things … you know? As much as I love The Sound Of Music - it’s pretty damn difficult to sing The Lonely Goatherd when you know you have a Poli Sci Test in 6 hours that you have yet to study for. Or that you should have written to your best friend and thanked her for her thoughtful card, or that you should have rescheduled your ortho appointment or called to get your teeth cleaned so you could MAKE your ortho appointment and they wouldn’t yell at you for not having your teeth cleaned first.

Welcome to my mind. Unplugged. Scary, ain’t it?

Anyway, things are beginning to look a bit better. Things are a lot easier than they use to be, but I’m still trying to settle into this mode of thinking and being. My family is happy to report my temper has somewhat subsided (I know I know - hard to believe that I had a temper, right? But I had a HORRIBLY short one. I’m learning a bit to let a whole lot of extracurricular bullshit slide far away from my path and keep it going, ya know?) and even Jackson seems better behaved. I’m not quite out of the woods altogether - but I can at least see that things are pleasant out here in the wilderness.

I’ve put writing on my list and so far I’ve managed to either write in here, or in my journal (I’m working my way to being able to write 3 pages every morning… Julia Cameron, who wrote The Artist’s Way, calls them “morning pages”) every single day. I have also started to attend a writer’s group where we read our works out loud to a group of pretty damn good writers. I’m happily the baby of the group…trying to take in what everyone is doing and reeling in my excitement at being inspired to write again. I’ve shared on 2 of the evenings so far. The second night I attended I read some of my poetry (10 or so pieces), and at the 2nd meeting I shared the beginning of my screen play I had started last year but then went in another direction because I realized that maybe it made a better novel than a screen play. I have never written a novel before in my life. But I have plenty of books to tell me how to do it (like you all didn’t notice I collect books on writing!)! But as manic as I’m sounding right now - it’s not with fear that I write all of this. I don’t have the same sense of … anxiety when I think about the things I want to do - and the things I want to try. Before I guess I felt that maybe I would never let myself actually do them. I was worried that I wouldn’t have time; that I would put these things down on a list of things to do and that list of things to do would never get done. I would wake up the same way I do now … but instead of feeling euphoric about the choices I had and the many paths I could choose - realizing that any step I decided to take would be the right one, I instead felt this feeling of … anxiety (that’s too easy of a word), panic (still too easy), sadness (getting closer), dread. Yeah. Dread. blah, right?

**deep moment alert - skip over if you’d like to - read at your own risk**

So yeah - I’m finally getting to love this CeCe you all get the pleasure of seeing most of the time. *wink* I’m just getting to know her - I mostly keep myself company with the dark side of CeCe that many of you never get the chance of seeing. And you should all thank me for that during our next call together. Of course if you are the 2 or 3 that have seen this “side” of me along side the other CeCe (this is when I start feeling a bit like Sybil…talking about myself like I’m a dual person or something?) I suppose that would make the 2-3 of you actual true friends of mine. I should be thanking you, then for showing me how 2 of me can co-exist and create an okay kinda girl, right?

**End too deep moment - Curtain raises - lights go up**

Alright - I’m very much aware that I have a few surprise gifts that came in during the past week - and that I need to fully organize myself so that I don’t inadvertently miss someone. I also have been hanging onto a piano piece for quite a while… Karl (My directionally impaired slave (in training) ) sent me this sonatina book off my wish list a while ago, and I felt that it would be a treat to play something and upload it as part of my podcast. Well - it ended up being this huge practice session - complete with me cussing and screaming over hard passages - and saying “oops” a lot and laughing at myself. It’s pretty revealing and Ed was kicking my ass a bit more than usual and I didn’t get it “up”. I am still trying to decide if it’s just too much to reveal to post it. Seriously, I sound so absofrickenlutely adorable cussing and screaming while I make mistakes playing classical music. LOL! Fuck it - I’ll probably post it … let me see if it makes it to my list.

So podcast and thank yous I still need to “tie up”. Probably soon after Mommy’s Day. My son Jackson (the doggy) is going to be taking me out so … I don’t know when I’ll be back at the computer to upload anything. You understand I’m sure. *wink*

Look for me after 10:00PM tomorrow evening. I was on really super late this evening and had a long hypnosis call on my new listing. It took a lot out of me (whew - some of you all go a bit crazy/wild/kinky with those trigger words!!) so I signed off not soon after I ended the 60 minute call. I won’t be that late tomorrow - or today I guess - Saturday Evening. I’m not planning on going out or anything … so I can be on around 10:00PM PST - till kind of late I am thinking … unless we have church to attend to on Sunday (Someone has to pray for you all! *wink*). I’ll try to nonchalantly ask about it with out seeming too eager NOT to go if you know what I mean. There is an art to being a teen and getting out of responsibilities so you can play with your friends. It’s a very powerful gift/tool which requires much responsibility when using it. Sunday I will be logging in for a bit but not sure what time yet. Probably Evening … definitely evening… after 9:00PM I hope. We might be eating dinner later for some reason but I’ll try to stay on top of that and let you know of any changes. Notice I said “try”. yeah. I know my limitations

Gotta go. Much to do tomorrow and it’s already 3:28PM. Must….sleeeeeeeep….

Thanks for all of the comments, letters, sweet prezzies (cash) and extended calls just so you all could tell me you’re there and you get it - and you’re supporting me and will support me in any way you are able to. It was just what I needed/wanted most.

Oh - and since I made a promise about a certain movie collection on my wish list - SBJ - I adore you, love you and I’ll try to make this the first week where I’ve been able to write 3 times. We’re counting Sunday as part of this week, right?