I am going to be logging in this evening around 10:00PM PST. Yup. And um - I have a lot of things to write about in here too - will probably throw up a post between calls. So um … yeah. See ya in a few hours.

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I have this really interesting relationship with music … for those who have read me often you know my music tastes span from Bach & Beethoven & Clementi to Prince, Kanye West, Tori Amos, and most recently Charlotte Martin. There is a song on her Stromata album called “The Dance”. The chorus … oh my god. It has to be one of the prettiest things I’ve heard in a long time. The rhythm is intricate, interesting, haunting and poignant. Her voice sounds similar to Tori Amos which is a big huge plus for me, too. So yeah … I’m totally into Charlotte lately. I dig her. If you enjoy chick music (eyes Tiffy with a wink) you may really enjoy her, too.

So this post is going to be to the accompaniment of Charlotte Martin. Think Chick music with a certain depressing/yearning note and you’ll get the affect. *wink*.

I realize that I have written some pretty interesting and “deep” posts lately - and not that I need to explain anything in my blog to anyone …. I’d like to.

I’m a writer… I write all the time with and with out paper and pen. I write in my head - gathering up little bits of information that may come out in a story, role play, poem, journal entry, etc. I write on little pieces of paper while listening to lectures during school, or while waiting in line at the grocery store, or sitting in the really comfy chair with Jackson in my lap after breakfast. I’ve always written. When I’m not writing I’m buying things to write with or buying things to write on. Writing makes me feel … relief. Writing makes me feel better and sometimes (lately) it makes me feel slightly worse… I am a writer and I’m one of the most frustrating kinds of writers, I think. I’m not well organized in how I write and I know my punctuation leaves much to be desired. I’m also an emotional writer - which means (as you probably have guessed) I either write when I’m on some rant fest, or when I’m in love, or when I’m frustrated or sad or one of the other 50 or so emotionally charged feelings that cause me to write in here. I can be either very funny or extremely depressing, I can write and inspire you or write and completely frustrate the ever living hell out of you. I can write things that will make you want to know me better, or I could write something that could cut you to the core…leaving nothing unexposed and laying all your shit bare (tyt). I can use my words as little tiny daggers aimed directly at the most sensitive part of your soul and I can use words as soft delicate caresses - snake charming explosive orgasms from your body.

Writing - is how I dance. And the things that I write here … though some may see it as a sort of marketing genius - is really just an invitation to “you” to dance with me. It may not be the type of dance you are looking for all the time - but it will be a dance that is intimate. You WILL get to know me while dancing with me - or by reading what I write. You may not always like what I have to say, hell, sometimes I don’t like what I have to say, either! But you will get to know who I am … and if you just hang in there for a little bit you’ll get to the place where I make you laugh again, or give you a shiver down your spine from some delicate verbal caress I throw out onto the page. You may even hold some of the more intimate “CeCe-isms” hostage and unleash them during a call with me…making our time even that much more connected. If you want. It’s up to you.

I know that my “job” is often an escape from the real world … and sometimes I feel a certain amount of pressure to be that type of an escape for you all. I know that you have a wife that is telling you how she feels all the time maybe - or that demanding girlfriend who is always so caught up in her feelings and blah blah blah. Maybe you’d prefer to have a girl to sit back and drink beer with - trouble free - just another one of the guys…with tits. Maybe getting to know me is just a little too much information … a little too real when all you really wanted was a convenient 15 minute fantasy; a break from your own reality. I get it. I don’t blame you. Truth is … I’m that girl that you can sit back and drink a beer with. I’m that girl that can give you 15 minute breaks from reality. But I’m also pretty damn complex (or at least I’d like to think I am…). I’m “flighty” at times, a little demanding, spoiled, egotistical, self-loathing at times, hyper, imaginative, stubborn, sensitive, pensive, shy, eager… and a dancer. I like to dance. I live for that type of connection. That’s just who I am.

I’ll be dancing tonight from 9:00PM - 1:00AM.

Sometimes I crawl into my mother’s lap and I just snuggle in there … knowing I’m way too big to be carrying on this way - but enjoying the lap experience even so. A man I’m seeing (lol! That sounds so much better than the reality so let’s just go with the fantasy, k?) says that I’m kinda searching for the parent I didn’t quite get, but I really hate that typical therapeutic bullshit. It reminds me of the other day when I was watching some Oprah show about (what else?!) dieting and weight loss/food plans/ etc. I find these shows absolutely ADDICTING. I always wanna just see the after the life change people when they walk onto the stage next to their fat former selves. So anyway - I’m watching this show impatiently (of course) cuz I just wanna get to the end (don’t act surprised!). Here is this guy who is like … 500 somethin pounds. I’m not kidding. And he says something like um “I use food for love” - and I lost it. I absolutely lost it. As far as I’m concerned, people watch too much of this psychological bullshit babble. Too many wanna be “Doctors” say some key things that in theory are pretty damn true (Food is an addiction - people who are overweight often use food to self medicate…) and I just think that often times people drink up that stuff like another Frosty from Wendy’s. Slurp Slurp Slurp. Now let’s repeat what we just drank in. Oh yeah … I’m fat because food is a drug. I’m fat because my mommy didn’t love me and I turned to food. I’m fat because gas is almost 5.00/gal. I hate hearing what people think people want to hear. We all know how food isn’t love anymore - but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re sitting on the Oprah stage at 500 plus pounds dying of obesity. Knowing that “love is food to me” does not cure anyone of their addiction. So where is the connection, you know? Could the connection be that isolating and eating is an easy cure for anxiety and loneliness - and risking rejection or whatever is more difficult so a person who struggles with weight picks the “easy” choice with the predictable result? That feels more “real” to me than spouting off some psychological babble bullshit. Sorry - rant over. Wait - let me just tie it back to what I was saying: So when the man I am seeing gives me some of that psychological babble bullshit after I’m telling him something that REALLY has the issue I want to talk about - it upsets me. Yeah yeah yeah - dysfunctional, co-dependent, unhealthy. LOL. Can we have some new terms, here?

I’m not sure if this impatience is a new thing to me, by the way, or something that was always here but just a hidden side of me. It can be pretty entertaining at times, but I realize it can also come off as particularly cold and heartless. Bitchy-like. I’m seriously a sweetheart. Most of the time. I think.

Back to my mom … I was sitting in her lap - smelling a spot on her shirt that reminded me of raspberry sorbet or somethin’ - and I was telling her how I don’t have any time. Her response to me? “CeCe - you were saying this when you were 8 years old. ‘But Mom’ - you said to me, ‘I want to do everything NOW because who knows if tomorrow I will still have the time!!!’ ” Yeah. 8 years old. Amazing ain’t it? I was an emotional wreck even as a young child. *takes a bow*

So today I ran around like I had a rocket up my ass. No it’s not the drugs - and no I can’t sell you any. I don’t think. I went to the gym and worked out with my ex boss for an hour - then we went shopping to pick up a “few” groceries. Yeah right. We went to CostCo. You can not pick up a “few” of anything there. Costco is love - and I am certain I have substituted Cosco for love. There, I said it, Dr. Oz. So - we go to Costco - then I fill up my prescription - and then I go back to my friend’s house and jump in her pool to cool off for a few - then I remember I have to take my groceries home too - so we go back to my house. Then we pick up Jackson who got an impromptu hair cut from a friend who is staying at our house (she has too MUCH time on her side… she’s not a groomer and Jack looks a fricken hot mess…) and we continue to go for an hour walk (11,024 steps today!!) and then I realize that I have done absolutely nothing today for myself really - like no alone time, you know how that is, right? And I started to get REALLY cranky/bitchy/pouty/passive aggressive. Danger zone. Seriously. And what is it that makes me so damn cranky?

I look at that damn clock and I think to myself - I need about 10 more hours in a day. I need time to sift everything back into my life. I’m convinced that I could possibly make it all fit. Maybe. If I tried. Hard enough. I start to feel cheated - then I start to panic because there is SO much I want to do… so much … and there is this limit on my life called a “day” which has this annoying thing in it called “hours” which are limited to 24 hours. Then my own mother gently reminds me (while laughing softly at my misery - just like a mom! lol!) that I have plenty of time and that people always feel this way - and that this is “life”. That I will do all the things that I want and more - if they are right for me to do… I’ll always want to do more and that is healthy. (??) So I guess I can stay with that for a moment. It’s 11:32 now and I logged in an hour before I thought I would be able to but an hour later than I had been shooting for. You get what I’m saying, right? But I am trying to take solace in the smaller victories here - and the things I am discovering and learning about myself. I’m granting myself an hour of totally useless Oprah Philosophy because hey … everybody needs a little time away (I heard her say…. *Extra points for the song reference, boys!*) and there will be time. For everything. Within reason.

I hope.

Heading out for the walk of all walks … should be back soon. Hopefully. Am planning on signing on at 10:00PM but I have no watch and my hands will be full with Jackson and a leash and a poopy bag and so on so I can’t carry along my cell phone. I’ll walk until I hit 4000 steps and turn around and head on back again. Should be about 4 miles total… we’ll see. So look for me about 10:00PM …

I know tomorrow is Father’s day for many of you Dads out there - so I won’t keep you “up” too late tonight. But you’ll definitely want one last chance to be naughty so hopefully I’ll see you before you have to sneak back into bed and act like you were checking on that noise you heard from the garage or whatever. *wink*

Gonna run now! Talk to you soon!

Oh My gosh… This week has flown by!

I really only have time for a quick update here… and a bitch or two thrown in CeCe style. LOL. Kidding. Sort of.

Ok - because I’m trying hard to implement things back into my schedule I’m getting a bit behind here. I don’t understand how I had time to do things before - but then I remembered the other day I also smoked (which did help, people… seriously!) and I also was hyper focused on work/blog/school and didn’t really see to much else. My days as of late have consisted of Exercising (10,000 steps a day has been my goal now for the past week - and so far I’m 4 thousand steps behind…but … I think I’ll make it by the end of the week), Jackson’s school (his homework is due in a few days … have to get my ass in gear about that, too!), cleaning/organizing my family (since I couldn’t make them do it I decided that for my health and well being I needed to help them do it by giving them an example to follow… lol) and working on several projects in between calls … which is hard! I’m currently working on my niteflirt database - which I believe will optimize my work and help me organize my customers/run reports unavailable to me through niteflirt’s “database” they have for us already and will help me organize the tasks I need for each individual customer. The data base will also keep track of the times I’m called which will help me with setting up a schedule that not only works for me but also works for the majority of my clients. Access is hard to do but I’ve found a great many tutorial to read for free on line and have successfully made a few sample data bases for practice. I’m amazed that I have actually followed a tutorial along in order to do this … trust me - it’s difficult for me to focus on detailed instructions that are technical like that for very long.

I’ve also discovered Microsoft Outlook - which has a program in the calendar section that will keep track of my tasks and appointments and contacts and things like that, too. It looks promising however the big main obstacles for me to overcome are first - filling out all the information so that it can do its job and two - remembering to update the thing which I’ve always really sucked at. The calendar system (writing it down) has helped a great deal but I still am only doing half of what I was doing before. I don’t understand my brain right now. (sings “Getting to know you” from The King And I softly to herself)

Alright - so … I’m working on it is what I wanted to “report”.

Tonight I have a writing group to attend so I will have another late evening of it. I’ll be logging in around midnight once again - (sorry!) but I am going to TRY to log in a bit before hand … I really can’t promise anything so please don’t be entirely surprised if you don’t see me until Midnight, ok? Please? Then it’s Friday already! Can you believe it!! Friday I will be here - working … it’s my work day and I have plenty of it to do! I’m counting on logging in a bit earlier - sometime after my evening walk around 9:00PM I’m guessing. I have an early class with Jackson on Saturday so I can’t stay up too late. On Saturday I will be logging in a bit earlier than normal, too… I’m trying to get myself back on track for school so eventually my hours will fall back to the 9PM - 1:00PM schedule. At least 3 days out of the week … Keep an eye on my diary though. Seriously. Keep an eye on it. I’m just not saying that… keep an eye on my diary. LOL!

See you around midnight tonight …