I watched the race the other day … horse race. I normally don’t watch but my family was talking about the possibility of history being made so I succumbed to the pressure and tuned in. The first thing I noticed was how absolutely gorgeous these horses were. The way they ran down the stretch - so close to one another and looking absolutely magnificent … wow. The second thing I noticed was how absolutely horribly Big Brown ran. As I was nursing my disappointment that evening, a friend of mine gently pushed my face towards the light. This horse had been abused, some would say, with drug injections, rigorous training, and will probably be put to stud and then who knows what else. His owners definitely don’t have his best interest in mind - but according to several articles I’ve been reading since then, his jockey DEFINITELY did. I’m not sure I’ll be watching many more horse races…and I so enjoyed the whole “Blue Velvet” movie I finally watched a few months ago.

This disappointment though - didn’t devastate me as much as the big disappointment a few days earlier.

Ok - so most of you probably did not hear but - I belong to a dance studio that had the absolute most amazing opportunity to work with a Choreographer from the hit television reality show (emphasis on REALITY) SYTYCD. Knowing that many of my readers probably have no desire to watch that show… or maybe some of you do (wiggles eyebrows up and down) … I will key you in on the big time disappointment I had this week: The show is absolutely not even realistic in regards to dancers. It is absolutely not the REAL deal and it does not bring honor or class to reality television. It is pretty much like American Idol. Paula, Randy and Simon suddenly become the only vehicle one can take in order to achieve stardom. Using this same fricken narcissistic attitude - Nigel, Mia, Hyena Mary Murphy, Debbie Allen, et al. are driving the only vehicle one can take in order to become true dancers. And I “know” one of those teachers - and actually looked up to her and felt her (sigh) God like in a way. To hear the amount of shit come out of her mouth tore me apart. I’m really not being dramatic here. It was not enjoyable at all.

So let’s just end there with my examples and get to the point: It appears that I have a sort of problem here. I have really high expectations - not for people mostly… though if I’m hurt I can definitely take my disappointment to a black/white/live/die sort of place… but I have high expectations for things/people that I am very excited about.

A while ago I heard some news that Julie Andrews was an absolute bitch to work for. I know - I don’t believe it either. But let’s just say it was true - and I happened to find out about it because I was hired through some great turn of luck to be her maid or something… (I’m serious - I would scrub Julie Andrews toilet and be happy about it… and not for the “against Niteflirt TOS” kind of reason). If I found out by working for J.A. that she was indeed a royal bitch I would be crushed. I’m not being dramatic. I would want to die. All this time I have thought of her as Maria Von Trapp - and wanted very badly for her to be my governess. I would not handle it well if I found out she was a bitch. Not well at all.

Oh - another example!! Oprah Winfrey. I really use to like that woman. She had (I thought) really great books - and I really enjoyed her mind. I didn’t have a brain crush on her really (I currently have one on Marilyn Milan from People’s Court… I really wish she was my mom. Don’t tell my mom I said that - but she just seems like she’d be way cool and we’d have a blast looking at boys and getting our nails done and shopping and stuff…) but I really did admire her. A lot. And lately she is just …becoming human, I suppose. Though I would like to really fight that by stating she is really quite self centered and doesn’t appear to be half as generous and selfless as she would like us to believe she is. Not that my opinion of her is going to really matter to her or not - but just trying to illustrate my issues with “hero worship” - I think that is what it is. I build things up - and people up so high that they have no choice but to fail miserably.

Now - I don’t do this with everyone - I don’t think it matters much if the person is a close friend of mine … or if the person is just an acquaintance. I think what matters is that I somehow have assigned this person/friend/event some huge expectation and sometimes they/it lives up to it - but more often - the reality of the moment/situation/person is never quite as good as my imagination/expectation created it to be.

I notice when people have some unrealistic feeling about me - but I’m not so good about letting go of my unrealistic attitude/feelings, you know?

Truth is - we’re all trying to figure this stuff out. Some of us get way in deep right away …. maybe drive the rest of you all crazy because we “think too much” or whatever. Maybe some of “you” drive “us” crazy by not ever really taking things as seriously as we would like - or not seeing the “bigger” picture or ruminating on things the way some of us live our lives doing. But the point is (yeah, I have one) we all are trying to figure it out in our own little ways. We all should be so lucky to have someone patient and understanding next to us. I know I have several people who can most definitely do that for me. I really really hope that I can start doing that for someone else.

For now - to whom it may apply: accept my apology. I expected it to be great - and became disappointed with “good”.

Oh - and to my “goods” - thank you so so so much for the gifts, notes, and emails. Thanks Mr.T for the gift certificate. you lifted up my spirits a hundred-fold.