I watched the race the other day … horse race. I normally don’t watch but my family was talking about the possibility of history being made so I succumbed to the pressure and tuned in. The first thing I noticed was how absolutely gorgeous these horses were. The way they ran down the stretch – so close to one another and looking absolutely magnificent … wow. The second thing I noticed was how absolutely horribly Big Brown ran. As I was nursing my disappointment that evening, a friend of mine gently pushed my face towards the light. This horse had been abused, some would say, with drug injections, rigorous training, and will probably be put to stud and then who knows what else. His owners definitely don’t have his best interest in mind – but according to several articles I’ve been reading since then, his jockey DEFINITELY did. I’m not sure I’ll be watching many more horse races…and I so enjoyed the whole “Blue Velvet” movie I finally watched a few months ago.

This disappointment though – didn’t devastate me as much as the big disappointment a few days earlier.

Ok – so most of you probably did not hear but – I belong to a dance studio that had the absolute most amazing opportunity to work with a Choreographer from the hit television reality show (emphasis on REALITY) SYTYCD. Knowing that many of my readers probably have no desire to watch that show… or maybe some of you do (wiggles eyebrows up and down) … I will key you in on the big time disappointment I had this week: The show is absolutely not even realistic in regards to dancers. It is absolutely not the REAL deal and it does not bring honor or class to reality television. It is pretty much like American Idol. Paula, Randy and Simon suddenly become the only vehicle one can take in order to achieve stardom. Using this same fricken narcissistic attitude – Nigel, Mia, Hyena Mary Murphy, Debbie Allen, et al. are driving the only vehicle one can take in order to become true dancers. And I “know” one of those teachers – and actually looked up to her and felt her (sigh) God like in a way. To hear the amount of shit come out of her mouth tore me apart. I’m really not being dramatic here. It was not enjoyable at all.

So let’s just end there with my examples and get to the point: It appears that I have a sort of problem here. I have really high expectations – not for people mostly… though if I’m hurt I can definitely take my disappointment to a black/white/live/die sort of place… but I have high expectations for things/people that I am very excited about.

A while ago I heard some news that Julie Andrews was an absolute bitch to work for. I know – I don’t believe it either. But let’s just say it was true – and I happened to find out about it because I was hired through some great turn of luck to be her maid or something… (I’m serious – I would scrub Julie Andrews toilet and be happy about it… and not for the “against Niteflirt TOS” kind of reason). If I found out by working for J.A. that she was indeed a royal bitch I would be crushed. I’m not being dramatic. I would want to die. All this time I have thought of her as Maria Von Trapp – and wanted very badly for her to be my governess. I would not handle it well if I found out she was a bitch. Not well at all.

Oh – another example!! Oprah Winfrey. I really use to like that woman. She had (I thought) really great books – and I really enjoyed her mind. I didn’t have a brain crush on her really (I currently have one on Marilyn Milan from People’s Court… I really wish she was my mom. Don’t tell my mom I said that – but she just seems like she’d be way cool and we’d have a blast looking at boys and getting our nails done and shopping and stuff…) but I really did admire her. A lot. And lately she is just …becoming human, I suppose. Though I would like to really fight that by stating she is really quite self centered and doesn’t appear to be half as generous and selfless as she would like us to believe she is. Not that my opinion of her is going to really matter to her or not – but just trying to illustrate my issues with “hero worship” – I think that is what it is. I build things up – and people up so high that they have no choice but to fail miserably.

Now – I don’t do this with everyone – I don’t think it matters much if the person is a close friend of mine … or if the person is just an acquaintance. I think what matters is that I somehow have assigned this person/friend/event some huge expectation and sometimes they/it lives up to it – but more often – the reality of the moment/situation/person is never quite as good as my imagination/expectation created it to be.

I notice when people have some unrealistic feeling about me – but I’m not so good about letting go of my unrealistic attitude/feelings, you know?

Truth is – we’re all trying to figure this stuff out. Some of us get way in deep right away …. maybe drive the rest of you all crazy because we “think too much” or whatever. Maybe some of “you” drive “us” crazy by not ever really taking things as seriously as we would like – or not seeing the “bigger” picture or ruminating on things the way some of us live our lives doing. But the point is (yeah, I have one) we all are trying to figure it out in our own little ways. We all should be so lucky to have someone patient and understanding next to us. I know I have several people who can most definitely do that for me. I really really hope that I can start doing that for someone else.

For now – to whom it may apply: accept my apology. I expected it to be great – and became disappointed with “good”.

Oh – and to my “goods” – thank you so so so much for the gifts, notes, and emails. Thanks Mr.T for the gift certificate. you lifted up my spirits a hundred-fold.

I will be logging in for a bit around 2:00AM. Not sure how long I can stay “up” as I had a pretty busy eventful day…but wanted to let you all know my plans so you could make arrangements/adjustments as need be. Thanks for your kind consideration and understanding. *wink*

Talk Soon!

I realized a few nights ago that I had thought I was logging in at midnight – but had actually written 10:00PM. I meant to change it to midnight after I realized that I need to get up late – spend time with my family until they go to bed – and then log in afterwards. For a while I was content to be away from everyone … but recent events has made me appreciate family time. I almost hate to admit it…I’m in my independent I don’t really need anyone sort of stage, I think. So anyways – I spend time with the family – wash dishes with my auntie – and sit down and watch SYTYCD on Wednesdays and Thursdays – Top Chef on Tuesdays (I think?) and other various television shows that I realize are scripted and staged for our entertainment but still the same give me much happiness (takes a deep breath after that long ass sentence!)

So yeah – back to the 10:00PM plan for Monday – Thursday… I don’t think that is going to work for me. Didn’t I say Midnight though until school starts? Didn’t I? I thought for sure I did. Oh well – it’s midnight till 4:00AM for the rest of this month…or until further notice I should say. Staying up till 4:00AM is sort of kicking my ass right now – but it’s what I need to do for the time being. Most of you are catching me. Thanks so much for the effort…I know I’m not an easy girl to catch. So I covered the time shift/schedule thing. That’s been bugging me now for the past few days. Sticking to a schedule is so necessary for me and it feels so much better to know what my shift is – etc. etc. I don’t know why (with all these positives!) actually doing a schedule is so hard. Must have something to do with my not wanting to disappoint anyone – so figuring if I never say what I’m going to do or when I’ll be on no one will get hurt – or something equally as illogical. A friend of mine told me the other day that these little neurosis’ of mine are actually charming. I hope to God the majority of people feel that way about me. *wink*

Everything I’ve read about my “condition” points towards exercise as the key to a “cure”. I have never been the kind of person where exercising makes me feel all tingling and high and blah blah blah. I worked at a gym for a little over a year, I ran track and did a bit of gymnastics in high school, I was on the dance team and was a closet tennis freak most of my life and I absolutely love swimming and water-skiing when I go back to MN to visit during the summers. But exercising really doesn’t “thrill” me as much as I would like it to. After not smoking for (counting on my fingers … ) almost 4 months now?!?, I’ve slowly been putting more exercise into my life as a sort of … “patch” let’s say. After my recent diagnosis I’ve been encouraged to add 10,000 steps on my pedometer daily in addition to strength training and my usual cardio at the gym. The other day Jackson and I attacked the mall near my home – walking from one end of the mall to the other (outside) and then crossing the street to go to our favorite pet store. All in all a good 30 minute brisk walk. While in the Pet Store we met a nice doggy and his owner who invited both Jack & I (good thing as Jackson does not drive yet) to a doggy park near my house. I decided then and there that Jackson and I would walk to the doggy park from my home – probably a good 2 mile walk round trip. OMG. Jackson is passed the hell out at my feet right now – and my body feels like it’s been working BIG TIME! After dropping Jackson off after our romp at the doggy park – I still went off to the gym afterwards. Talk about following the Dr’s orders! Such a great little patient I am. So my pedometer says 26,628 – just a little under 4 thousand steps shy of my goal of 10,000 steps each day – but I’ll make it up I’m sure tomorrow. Hopefully.

So is all this busting my ass working? I’m not exactly sure. Medication definitely helps – and walking… yeah – I feel like I’m burning off a little bit of frustration and blues by exercising and working up a sweat. I feel better when I’m moving actually – or just doing something. And as much as I hate to say it – as I was walking today and my neck was getting a bit damp from the exertion of exercising in 80 degree heat (lol!)… I felt a surge of something. I actually FELT better. I felt like I was doing something productive and working off some extra stress or blues or something. It felt good. We’re going to do the same walk tomorrow. Might as well. I really would like to have a walking partner though so if any of my callers wants to join me in the 10,000 steps a day challenge … let me know and I’ll let you know where you can get a nice pedometer. And don’t worry – no one will see it. Well – maybe they will – but it will be a good conversation starter.

I’m going to head to bed for the last hour of my shift here … and read something interesting or watch a bit of Will & Grace on DVD. I’ll talk to you all tomorrow ’round Midnight. I have a writing class that usually ends around 11:00PM with out fail – so I definitely won’t be any earlier than 11:30PM. I’ll think I’ll pop some corn in some healthy nutritious canola oil for the group tomorrow evening. Been craving it now for the past few nights but have made a promise to limit my popcorn binges to one night a week. I gave up cigarettes, skittles, icecream and pancakes. I will NOT give up my popcorn!! Fiber is good, right?

So I signed in at midnight last night … thinking I was doing so well to adhere to my schedule … not realizing that I was about uh – 2 hours late. So I stayed up until … well just now, actually – and am now going to crash for a bit – wake up – go walk and do some strength training, go to my appointment, meditate and well … I’ll see you at TEN PM Pacific Standard Time … today. Totally appreciate the well wishes, calls and notes (and a few special surprises xoxo) guys. I’ll speak with you later on this evening.

I am running out of good titles. Which is sad because I only write like what? 2 times a month as of late? I came upon this title when a friend of mine sent me a link to a great interview of a even greater British Editor. After listening I quickly went to Amazon and purchased her book Stet.

Main Entry:1stet
Pronunciation:*stet, usu -ed.+V
Function:transitive verb
Inflected Form:stetted ; stetted ; stetting ; stets
Etymology:Latin, let it stand, 3d person singular present subjunctive of stare to stand * more at STAND

: to annotate with the word stet or otherwise mark (as with a series of subscript dots) to nullify a previous order to delete to omit (a word or passage in a manuscript or printer’s proof)

The book is amazing. I’m actually reading the entire thing – not skimming – then going back and reading again the parts that I “missed”. Diane Athill writes with such clarity and humor …. !! So anyway – usually I commit to a title after the post has been written. Very rarely do I decide what to write with title announced before I even get to typing. Usually I just let it go – type/write whatever goes into my head. I figure there is a part of me that knows what I want to say and if I just get out of my way long enough to say it … then things will be alright. It’s scary vulnerable that way – but I’m all about risk taking. I figured Stet was appropriate for this entry. It’s a sort of note to myself to let it be – or let this be.

I realized a bit late that I have been emotionally drained the past month or so. Maybe longer. There have been so many things going on in my life that I’ve had to adjust to and figure out for myself and through it all I never really took time to let things … well … “stand”. I just kept on and on doing the school thing and work and wondering why I had less and less energy as each day went on. Truthfully at times I felt that I had such a huge appetite for everything – and when I would sit down to eat … nothing tasted quite right. As these moods progressed I started to find that I no longer even had the appetite. Translation: I was severely burnt out and didn’t know it. Because a part of me realized this very fact – while another part of me was completely and hopelessly stupid to it – my body sort of shut down and “made” me take a break…even though I didn’t feel I wanted to. So I made plans to write but did not – I made plans to log in and couldn’t/didn’t – I made arrangements for calls to take and then …well, you get the picture.

So a few days ago a friend of mine told me that maybe I had to really force myself to set aside time to work and do things all work related – and then when I wasn’t working not do anything that was work related. I know it sounds like such a novel idea – but um – yeah. What I would typically do – or what I found myself doing, typically, was to start working around 11:00AM in the morning. I would start writing posts – replying to emails, doing research on web design, podcasting, etc., get caught up in some website that had some really nifty information on I don’t know – tables or rss feeds or whatever – realize I had not stopped to eat lunch – grabbed a sandwich and went back to the computer where I would now be knee deep in technical bullshit I never had the desire (or time) to learn, then it would be time to work out or walk the dog or something – and after I would be done I would realize I would need to sign on – except at that point I seriously did not want to talk to a single solitary soul because I had been “working” up to 10 hours by then. So as time went by the part of me that did not want to work got stronger and stronger – and I would post pone logging on by telling myself that I had all these other things that I needed to do first – and then by the time I thought of logging in I just wanted to get away from it all. 4 hours a day ended up at an hour or two if I was (you were?) lucky. So yeah … not good. We both agree.

Back to my friend… where was I?

Ohhh! So anyway my friend suggested that whatever I do work related – I do while I’m “logged in”. I decided that blogging would be the ONE thing that I wouldn’t do while I was logged in. It’s easy somehow for me to do this mid day, cup of tea/coffee in hand – and the whole days activities before me. So that is what I’m doing today. Also – um – I’m not going to promise a thing in regards to this blog writing thing. I love writing too much to make this a disappointment for myself, you know? When it becomes something that my subconscious feels it “has” to do – then the joy just bleeds right out of it for me. I start to look at this whole blog thing as some marketing obligation I need to do in order to entertain my readers/callers instead of what I really wanted it to be – which was a little window into the life of CeCe; A way in which my callers could get to know who I am so well – honestly – our calls would be better.

Speaking of intimacy, I have to say for the record that while many many many of you get that about me (CeCe needs a bit of intimacy in order to have a good time and be able to give something back to the caller/call) there are many more who would prefer to just um – not give anything of themselves. I can handle that for about (counting the months) 12 months – and then I start to burn out. LOL! Who knew. So to prevent that from happening – I have a complete schedule change that may make a few of you unhappy which isn’t the point. Again – I hope that any of you who find this schedule unbearable will contact me and let me know. If you need my email address it’s: celinawetdreams at gmail dot com. Let me know the days that work out better for you or the hours or whatever and I will do my best to accommodate you on a case by case basis. I don’t think it would be a generalization to say that those who contact me probably have an intimate relationship with me anyways – and I will make it a point to be available for that kind of interaction. Connections is what I live for, truly.

For the summer I will be logging in no later than 10:00PM PST Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and yeah – probably Friday as well. Saturday & Sunday will be by ear – but I’ll be logging in both of those days. This week I logged in around 11:00PM on Saturday and Last night I worked from 12:00PM – 4:00AM. I’ll put in 4 hours minimum. I can do that. I will no longer be logging in and “hanging” out – I need a schedule so I know there is a beginning and an “end” to my work. Yeah – as much as I like it at times it’s still “work” and I still have other things that are deserving of my attention. Any recordings, stories, and email type games will be done during business hours. If you send me an email, please know that chances are I will not be looking at it until 10:00PM. If you want to set up an appointment or you need a story or you want to contact me about the types of fantasies I will do – know that I will not be anywhere near the computer (more than likely) until 10:00PM PST. Just count on that. That way if you hear from me before that time frame you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

So there you have it. My schedule for the next month. Towards July I will be changing to an 8PM – 12PM PST schedule M-Th, and 10PM – 2:00AM PST Schedule Friday – with the weekend hours on a “we’ll see” basis – due to summer session starting. I’ll review my schedule one more time for Fall Semester. I will be doing everything I can (legal) to ensure that I do not have any morning classes – so I probably will be keeping with the “June” schedule – but we will see. Again – if this impacts the time that we speak normally please give me a call. My guess is that you all are too busy picking yourselves off of the floor from the shock of seeing me on at all that you won’t ‘rock the boat’ until you see how it goes. And that’s fair. And appreciated.

I gotta go start the rest of my day here. Jack is in need of some exercise and I’m in need of some breakfast, coffee, and medicine. Oh – and for all of you who are wondering – I’m still smoke-free. It is indeed a miracle…I’ve wanted to have one at least a million times the past 2 weeks.