I realize that a bunch of time has lapsed since my last confession entry and I’m sorry.  It had to be that way because things were literally just crazy for a few weeks there.  First, I was a victim of an online crime of gi-normous size and consequence (lol!) that resulted in my having to change my direct deposit bank and call up and wait long periods of time for everything to right itself after the horrible wrong that was done.  Then I had finals: a huge final in geography covering 7 chapters of wind patterns, clouds and rain stuff, erosion and other weathering stuff, and a few map quizzes thrown in for good measure.  And I almost forgot about the currents.  Ah, the lovely currents and trade, easterly and westerly winds.    I also had a final with my English Pervie Professor From Hell (EPPFH) which consisted of an in class essay on The Kite Runner and a 75 question extra credit grammar test.  Yeah.  It was a busy week.  After I survived finals I then crashed, only to log in and take a few calls between bouts of consciousness for about a week or so.  Then it was Christmas and shopping and wrapping and in between those things I still was trying to log on and work when I could.  I was also going to the gym because it was the only way I could regulate my anxiety during the finals and Christmas Shopping.  And then it was Christmas and now … almost the end of the year.  I had to come in and wish everyone "Happy Holidays" and hope for everyone a prosperous and enriched New Year.  Let’s save the New Year’s Resolutions, shall we?  Let’s just hope this next year is a bit more hopeful and a whole lot healthier for not only the Earth, but each other.  I fuckin sounded like Jerry Springer just then, didn’t I?

So as you can tell by this entry – I survived finals.  I tried to start early with my Geography Final – but I was still organizing my notes up until the moment I sat down to do the test.  I have this ritual, you see, of redoing all of my notes and reorganizing everything.  Before analysis (lol – doesn’t that sound so mature?!) I thought it was just another procrastination thing I did, but now that I’ve spoken to the good Dr for several months I realize that organizing and rewriting things is my way of remembering things.  The whole different color pens and pencils and illustrations and teaching other people about things I am learning, etc. is just my way of committing these things to my memory bank.  Apparently it works.  But not with out a whole lot of drama.  Because I am so visual with my learning, I made a trip to Office Depot, Staples less popular and rather geek-y younger brother.  Sorry, it’s true.  I walked into Office Depot because it was close to the gym I go to, with a goal in mind: Sticky notes.  50 dollars later I make my way to the counter where I start reassessing my purchases.  "Do you really need this, CeCe?  Nah.  Put it back.  What about these pens?  Yeah – definitely need to keep them.  But what about these?  Nah … put those back, too…"  So I set aside a few things and tell the Office Depot Clerk that I won’t be needing them but I’ll take the still substantial pile of things that looks like a good 40 bucks still, even after the "save".  This little clerk looks me in the eye, I kid you not!, and asks, "Can I ask you why you won’t be taking these items?"  …

"Pardon?!"

"Why don’t you want these?" He asks again, more boldly this time, his beady little cashier eyes burying their way into my very soul as if looking for the answer there.

…

…

Yeah.  That’s silence from me.  Because I can’t believe that in all my life I have never been questioned on my "go backs" before in a store, and I’m now considering whether or not this is a new practice in lieu of the "R" word (recession).

"Um.  It was an impulsive moment — and I realized I didn’t need those after all."

"Oh."  He says, still looking me in the eye uncomfortably while making no move to ring up my purchases I DO want, "because I was going to offer you a discount."

It’s now apparent that we’re having a little stare down.  I uncomfortably hold his gaze.  I don’t say a word.  He hasn’t offered me a discount, I don’t think there is a discount that exists, truth be told, and if there is a discount, I should have been aware of it when I walked in the store.  I’m not buying a car, here, I’m fuckin buying sticky notes and note cards and pens!

I win. He breaks my gaze, needing both eyes to locate the scan gun and the bar codes on my items. "Okay," he says with a nervous laugh,"Your total is 40.03."

I couldn’t get the hell out of that store fast enough.  Later, at the gym, I tell my Nazi trainer what has happened and her eyes get as big as mine must have been as she wonders, too, what will happen when she goes shopping later that evening.  Her shopping experience has been, in a blink of an eye, altered.  Ruined. "It’s a different world out there."  I warn her looking at her ominously. "I would suggest hiding the things you don’t want and not bringing them to the cashier with you to be put in the ‘go backs.’"  I say "go backs" making the quotation marks in the air as if to suggest that "go backs" is a historical word like cassette tapes — something that exists only as a fond memory in the corner of your mind.

"Yeah."  She says in a quiet scared voice.  "I don’t know what to do…"

Today I was in the area and I glanced over at The Office Depot Store.  For a moment the thought of pens lined up in their little shiny plastic containers called to me and just as I found myself weakening and answering to the call of the pretty ink, I was snapped into reality by the windows covered in ugly brown paper.  STORE CLOSED was written in black sharpie on the paper.  Maybe the question was just a sign of desperation and not a new adopted method of cashiering as I had feared.  I felt a bit bad for Office Depot.  But I’d be lying if I wasn’t a little bit relieved, too.

I didn’t even use my supplies from the store.  I didn’t get to the note cards, I was still copying over my information onto my notebook paper.  I did look up my grades for both English and Geography, however, and I managed to get 2 A’s.    Yeah me.  Perverted English teacher and Wind Patterns, Wave formations, and currents couldn’t stop me from achieving my A’s I so desperately wanted!

I also survived Christmas.  I managed to survive not giving everyone everything they wanted for Christmas, and even though I still have a few presents left to mail (Hey – there ARE 12 days of Christmas, are there not?!) I didn’t do so bad.  I realized this year that I so badly wanted to show the people I love how much I really did love and care for them and sometimes you just can’t do it with money because even if you had all the money you wanted (this is a long ass sentence that is need of a comma somewhere but I’m out of school right now so I’m not gonna bother, k?) you still couldn’t show someone how much you cared and loved them with a present.  It’s just not possible.  I use to think it was.  But it isn’t.  I mean – I don’t think there is one thing on my wish list that anyone could buy that would tell me exactly how much I mean to them.  I’ve had some great presents, don’t get me wrong, but I think that presents don’t transform their way into a feeling easily.  I tried to give gifts that represented a little bit of what I felt and how the other person made me feel, but … it’s hard.  Tiffy had to remind me several times that it’s the THOUGHT really — knowing that you crossed someone’s mind on a special day — that matters most.  I thought Tiffy was full of shit — but then I started to think of the things you all have given me and the fact that no matter the size of the gift or the price of the gift – the fact that you thought enough to send me a word, picture, tribute, gift, or smile made a huge impact on my life and did my spirit wonders.   Believe that.  So thank you all for the tributes, gifts, notes, calls, and "business" this year.  You have impacted my life with things you have said, delighted me with secrets you’ve entrusted me with, cheered me with gifts of your friendship, lusts, and fantasies (giggles), and truly impressed me with your courage in trusting me to hold your secrets safe.  I hope you never have to say "Pardon" to me (wink); that you know you can always "go back" and try something different or not at all.  Most of all, I wish you a very safe and blessed New Year full of every delight you can ever imagine.  If I’m invited to be a part of that in some part next year – great – but if you discover and hold tight to the delights you receive …. all the better.

Happy New Year, Friends!

So after staying up until – I dunno – 3:00AM last night (that would be FRIDAY Nite) I woke up this morning at 9:30AM and made myself a delicious bowl of oatmeal before running into the shower, changing for the gym – and heading off to my study group for Geography. We met at the bookstore down the street and drank a cup of Joe (haha) and studying until about … um … 4:00-4:30? and then ran to the gym where I stayed until 7:00PM. I’m going to say something that is going to shock me. Even though I eluded to similar feelings in this post – what I experienced today was like 10 times stronger than that moment.

I was walking on the treadmill – at a good solid 3.8 MPH and a steep 4.5 incline. I was working in my 80 percent target rate about 40 percent of the time – and in my 70 percent target heart rate the remaining time. I was sweating … like a crazy woman; the kind of sweat that pools in between your tits (okay – guys shouldn’t know what that feels like… ) – collects at the nape of your neck – and starts this steady stream down the back of your tank top. By the time you’re done, you have this band of water around your panties (again … guys…) and the treadmill below you has evidence of your leak. When the treadmill tells me I’ve burned about 500 calories and walked a good 3 miles in 45 glorious minutes, it hits me. This feeling like – PRAISE GOD I AM ALIVE AND I AM HEALTHY AND I GOT PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME feeling. I want to raise up my hands and start jumpin up and down yelling to everyone about how fuckin great life is and how glad I am to be an American. It is at 45 minutes that it kicks in and I start to increase the speed – pushing my heart rate even faster – and feeling like I have come down from the best orgasm with Mr. Hitachi Wand EVER. I LOVE that feeling. I always end on this surge of energy – and an embarrassment that I was going to quit 30 minutes earlier.

The Nazi trainer pushed me so hard the other day (I asked her to because I was angry at the English teacher I once loved. It’s true. Check it out… I actually loved him at one point. How foolish was I?) that I was woke up thinking about her. I had asked Ms. Nazi to push me hard and she was all to happy to accommodate me. It was “leg” day – and I sat and pushed and did abductor and adducters and lunges and planks and … by the time I left I knew she had kicked my ass into a new dimension. But it felt good. So back to this morning – when I woke up – I had to stand in the shower for a good 30 minutes and just let the hot water penetrate the soreness. It wasn’t pretty – but again – I felt really great! So ok – today – I walk for an hour. 673 calories later – I’m HIGH. I feel like nothing can stop me. I go straight to the counter and I ask if there is a trainer available. A sweet guy that I call Scott Baio (spelling?) -the younger years – volunteers to work me out. I am doing pull ups (ok – they cheat and take away half of my body weight but still… !), I’m doing bicep curls and chest press thingees and working my triceps and then I go to do planks and BAM! Right on my face. I had no arms. Nothing in my arms. They were tingling and burning a little – and I felt a little light headed – and it was the BEST feeling (next to an orgasm with Mr. Hitachi Man and ‘you’) that I’ve ever had … EVER. I think it’s happened. I think I’m addicted to the burn.

I told Ms. Nazi the other day that I want so badly to tell her no when she asks me for 10 more lunges while carrying weights across the floor. I so badly want to kick her in the vagina — hard — when she asks me for 10 more seconds while holding the damn plank and I can hardly see because sweat is dripping into my eyeballs and blinding me. I so badly want to tell her to go to hell when she asks me to do step ups on the weight bench while holding 15 pounds close to my chest like am “old friend”. And when she puts me on the stair climber and asks me to walk up backwards to work my ass – I want to kick her in hers. But there is something inside of me – this incredible stubborness that can not say “no”. I say “yes” – and if it doesn’t burn enough I grunt out “2 more!” I have become that gym rat we all love to hate. For years I have been that type of girl who exercised because it was necessary to do in order to enjoy the things I enjoy. But I didn’t like it one bit. I liked the results – but not the process. I swear – no matter how much I complain about the nazi, no matter how much I may hate Scott Baio tomorrow when I try to lift my arms to brush my teeth, no matter how badly I think muscle heads are kinda a little loopy and in a league of their own – and that people who are so into their bodies really need to spend more time with friends and/a social life…no matter how much I might try to say those types of things – or believe in those things – the truth remains: I am in love with that burning feeling.

Who oh that burning feeling.

I put every bit of anger I had into those weights and treadmill today — and I only partially still want a cigarette. Which is really good because usually cigarettes are the only things that make me feel better when I’m that mad. And that’s another story for another day (the reason why I was mad…) – it’s 1:34AM and I’m way tired. I’m going to drink tons of water – take some Advil and get up so I can … yup… go to the gym. Hopefully I’ll be able to get some energy and then I can come back and talk with some of you. Unless there’s football – in which case I’ll do some studying – then come back later and play with you.

Even “The Burn” is no substitute for you guys! Come on! I’m not cumming on the treadmill or the weight machines. The gym just supplies that after sex shudder – that aftershock. Nothing but sex can deliver the true Earth Shattering Experience of an Orgasm. Well, except for Mr. Hitachi wand. And a really great shoe sale. And getting an A on a final. And realizing I have only one more class with Mr. AssholicalExtraordinaire.

And a nice marble. *if you don’t know – you should ask me!*

but yeah. The burn has nothin’ on you. But it is a rather nice discovery.

I am sorry my logging in has been so — random. I’m currently in the middle of finals preparation. I have 2 more weeks before the semester is done. I am looking forward to a week off before I do my online class during winter break – and then back to school with math and philosophy and a few labs during the Spring Semester. I’m taking donations for my books. Stop looking for the “lol” at the end of the sentence. There is none. I’m dead serious. Clicking and paying the $50 dollar tribute will buy a half of a book at my bookstore. Every half counts. If you don’t know what to get me for Xmas you can always send me a tip with the condition that I spend it on books and tuition and not lipgloss, pens, and toys for Jackson. Not that I would do that with tribute money. I’m very responsible.

I have a killer bruise on my wrist. I’m not sure if it’s from the Nazi or what is going on. It hurts to type. It’s turning a really neat greenish blue color – with a hard tender spot in the middle of the bruise. It’s almost on the bone – but no worries. It’s not broken. Unless that would get me out of doing my Geography project.

Oh! Do you know what today is? It’s my anniversary!! 2 years ago I started on NF. I should see who my oldest customer is (who still calls me. I had the whole new girl on the site popularity for about 2 weeks and I have not seen nor heard from those who stole my cherry since. They just came – (literally) threw me down on the bed – had their way with me – left me a few gold stars – and never looked back. *sniff* I was so nervous. And my braces were just new, too. I was lisping really horribly and I was so nervous that no one would understand me because I had recently had an expander put in that made me sound like I belonged on a special yellow bus. Tiffy — you’ve been around since almost the beginning, haven’t you? You were here before Rolf, that much I know. Joe was pretty new, too but he’s MIA. (watch him make an appearance now that I’ve mentioned his name. Silly Joe) And GreenLattern. He’s been around since my pre braces days. Kidding. Though I do have pictures of me before braces. I may put them up for all my guys who are mourning the passing of TEEN CeCe. These pictures will definitely put ya all in the mood. Crooked Teeth and all. You can practically smell the “Teen” on me! *wink* So yeah . 2 years. And it’s been a great time. I’ve met a whole lot of people and taken I think at last count – over 3000 calls total on all my listings. That’s a whole lotta “Oh God I’m Cummmmming!”s!!

I know you wanted some wine and crackers and a real hot naughty fantasy and stuff on our special day — but it’s going to have to wait until after this horrible project I’m knee deep in. I swear – if anyone wants to go from the southernmost tip of South America to the Baffin Islands – and need a few places along the way to site see and shit – let me know. I have about 13 places for you all mapped out. I can tell you how to dress for it, what parks are in the area, and what the topography is. And some day when I’m even OLDER than I am now – I will put all this to use, more than likely during dinner parties, where I will be rubbing my toes in my dinner date’s lap – giggling as he gets harder and harder and tries to cover up his excitement by clearing his throat.
730 days and 3000 calls later… I’m still enjoying what I do. It’s been a great ride — and I’m not getting off (the ride!) any time soon. No worries. This isn’t a good bye speech. It’s just a … Good God I’ve been around for a bit, haven’t I? speech.

More later. Wish me luck. And someone look up the biome of Topeka Kansas, please? I’m busy trying to figure out what mighty wind is blowing on La Serena Chile. And after I figure that out I have to solve World Peace via a few virtual hand jobs and slurps.
Hey… we all do our part.