Math has always been a bit difficult for me. I get to a certain place in math, and my anxiety takes over. So this year I’ve been really prepared, and go into class on hyper focus. I’m determined to get this math phobia behind me.

So determined am I, that I completely submerged myself in math this semester. I took my regular 5 credit math class, but in addition to that I also signed up for a Math Counseling Class to help me get rid of my math anxiety, and then signed up for a 2 credit class with a math tutor 3-4 hours every week. That’s just Math class. I do have other subjects I’m taking.

My Math Professor is really a great guy. He has this white, white beard and he wears these sandles that make him look like a cross between Jesus Christ himself and a hippy. He’s a gentle, sweet, kind older man who I immediately equate to a grandfather. He does math in his sleep, I think, and he’s always showing us shortcuts that make things even more difficult in the end, but I love him for trying.

My math class is filled with people who have math phobias, are unfamiliar with math, or just don’t give a flying fuck and feel that math is useless. I compete with the students who just don’t give a fuck every day it seems. They don’t even feign interest – they turn around in their chairs and start talking in outside voices (lol) and completely ignore our professor. I’ve played this type of musical chairs for 3 weeks now – attempting to find a spot in that classroom that will allow me to focus on what the teacher is saying. I have not been successful. Finally, I found a spot that seemed like it could work and settled in. For the first few days all was well – but towards the geometry portion of the math, the volume (and anxiety) started to rise. Exasperated, I finally turned around and said “Shhhh! Damn!!!!” to one girl in particular that was just out of control. Honestly. Talking and talking and getting louder as the teacher’s volume would rise. My sudden explosion seemed to work for minute, but then got louder as if to torment me further. I raised my hand – but by this time the professor had his back to the class and was too busy probably wishing he was anywhere but there. When the class finally dispersed the ring leader chick said to me, “Next time, don’t sit near us.” I said back to her with out pause, “Next time, don’t speak when the professor is speaking!” “Make me!” she countered with the maturity of a 5 year old. Stunned I stared back at her. “Stupid bitch…” she added as she practically ran out of the door.

I quickly told my grandfather hippy Jesus what the girl said to me, and he made a point to say something to the entire class the next day – but that didn’t seem to make me feel any better. And it may be the fact that I like to have people like me…a lot … but – I’ve been thinking to offer her an olive branch.

I’ve been on the other side of this equation. I’ve done things that make me not like myself at all. And I’ve secretly wished that someone would make it easy/easier for me to apologize – or make things right again. Feeling ashamed is really a shitty thing to feel. So I’ve been thinking honestly of just going over to her on Monday and saying that I’m sorry for “shhhhing” her like she was a child or something. I can honestly say I’m sorry for that. And I’d also like to tell her that I’d like to start over – and at least be amicable towards one another. Not that I need to be nice to her, but I think that she may need someone to be nice to her with out an invite, you know? I’d like to help her save face – at least with herself. Of course it could all backfire – but I’m prepared to shrug my shoulders, leave my branch on the desk in front of her (should she change her mind) and go on about my business. Dan says that that is sexy somehow. I think it’s just a little bit of a pay forward after a horribly difficult week. I don’t know if it will come back to me at all – but I’ll be able to sleep a little better knowing I took responsibility for my part of the problem. And from what I’m learning about math so far, understanding the problem and putting it into words that can be solved – is half the problem and in my professor’s eyes, worth at least half a point.

I’ll update later with my schedule. I’m on line for an hour and then I gotta try to get some rest. Will see you tomorrow….

Just kidding. LOL. But seriously – that man really knows the heart of a woman. I love Elton right now. Matter of fact, I’m going to put every single one of his albums on my wish list in hopes that some of my straight, masculine, macho clients will buy them for me. I made KIL listen to 4 Elton songs – and he has been changed for the better. We sang Don’t Go Breakin My Heart and it was fabulous. I was Elton, KIL was Kiki. He is now at the club down the street having a cosmopolitan. Anyway – a quick mention to everyone tonight for you know what – tomorrow I will be back on line and ready to rumble (or roll in the hay). Thank you Kylie, Tiffy, David, Dan, KIL, Tee, and my dear Doc Benway. Thank you all very much for cheering me on and loving Jack.

P. S. Just so I won’t forget: A girl in my Math Class called me a “stupid bitch” today – and I was instantly thankful to my trainer. She could have called me a “fat” bitch – or a “stupid blonde bitch” – but she just went with the “dumb bitch” as she ran through the door of the classroom… which tells me that not only is she the stupid bitch ( I have the highest grade in the class – the Professor told me as we chatted in his office while he ran his hands up and down my toned, thin, calves) but she’s way out of shape if she had to run through the door so I wouldn’t catch her stupid bitch ass and beat her with all the anger and resentment and heartache I’m holding inside. LOL! Wow… I kinda just told the story, didn’t I? Oh well, remind me about it because the whole story IS rather funny if I do say so myself.

I am SO sorry for my lack of updates. It’s been busy over here and honestly, if I make it to the gym and get my math homework done (did I mention I got yet another 100 percent on my latest math test? yup. I rule!) and somewhat manage to make sense of my philosophy reading (I can read stuff 10 times and still wonder what the fuck these guys are talking about. Once I figure it out I can pretty much condense it into a short paragraph. Wordy Muth******, weren’t they?!) I’m having a good day. I should add onto that a few twitters and a journal entry every now and again. I honestly didn’t believe so much time had gone by.

So even though I really need to dress and get ready to go to spin class this morning – and then later run to my philosophy class – I’m taking a minute to update this blog with a hefty dose of “I’m so sorry it’s been this long!” and a promise to expand on everything I throw out in the next paragraph later this evening if at all possible. (!!)

I’m in the middle of the biggest creative writing exercise ever. Actually 2. I need to write a letter to the dean of students in regards to a past issue, I also need to somehow wrap up the past 2 years of my life into some package that will hopefully read “I deserve this scholarship – aren’t I amazing?” Short of joining a church so I can put that down (and yeah – I’m not denying it’s hilarious that a PK *Pastor’s Kid* would need to JOIN A CHURCH – but once I got the chance to not go it’s been quite easy. *shrugs*) I’m doing a lot of things before the deadline next month. One of my professors agreed to write a letter for me (actually said, “Of Course I will, CeCe! I’d be happy to!!!”) and she’s the head of her department who also gave me 2 A’s in her courses – so that will go far, I believe. But – leadership ability? Extra Curricular activities? Thank God my last job gave me a little bit of something to put down – but like I said, it will be creative writing at it’s finest.

In addition to that – my parents are still in town, my uncle is driving me crazy, and I have a lot of homework to do every day that keeps me at school from about 7am – 2:00PM 2 days out of the week, and 10:00am – 3:00am the other two days out of the week (Friday I only have one 3 hour class…) Which has led me to this conclusion (perhaps a bit belated): School is a damn job. A job where your boss has decided to pay you in 4 years for the work you put in. I enjoy it – but it’s time consuming and another reason for my late post. Are you forgiving me yet?

The good news? I’ve managed to gain a few new customers – and more than a few new friends in the process (if that wasn’t a hallmark sentence… ) One of my special CF (Customer Friends) sent me the most beautiful music just now with a fantasy all written out for us to enjoy the next time we talk. I’m spoiled. Another special CF sent me MORE music with a much appreciated tip on the side for good measure. A new CF of mine also sent me a much appreciated tip the other day and then proceeded to … well… I won’t air his business all over my blog but – I’m thinking about you, Lincoln. And I hope that you are doing what needs to be done so you can do what needs to be done. LOL. How cryptic was that? I’m well aware that I have been neglecting quite a few of my not so new steady and true CF’s (Tiffy – I’m REALLY sorry about that thing that I did that I didn’t mean to do…) and my schedule has a lot to do with that. So… (looks at time – and types faster) I am going to actually be logged in this evening. Last week I made it at 9:00PM – This week I probably can do the same. I’ve been having this little bit of a problem that I could use your help with. That’s all I’m going to say. LOL. It doesn’t happen often – but the last few days have been quite the marathon for me so — “step right up” sounds pretty crass, but… Step Right Up. I’ll also be logged in on Saturday off and on throughout the day/evening. We’ll catch up and you can forgive me individually – one at a time, please. Repenting on my knees is one of those things that never gets old, wouldn’t you agree?

Talk Soon!