I cried when I moved to California. My boyfriend at the time had broke up with me and I remember when he broke up with me it was the first time I had ever felt… destroyed. I had had other “boyfriends” before – but this is the first boy that I ever really loved. He stuck by me through all kinds of harsh realities of my teen life – and we would sit by the river and I’d watch him take pictures. Yeah – he was a photographer who drove a grand am. *sigh*. Beyond all that – he just was a really sweet person. He was quiet, like my favorite brother, and drank mountain dew that he kept in the trunk of his car. In a cooler. I’m not lying. He was cool. And he had a car. That bears repeating. It was a nice car. Had to say it again.

Somehow he knew I needed to leave, though, and he figured that if he broke up with me I would leave quicker. I think he thought it would be easier for me.

The day I was going to make my decision he confessed that he didn’t really love me. It felt like some scene from Pretty In Pink – when Molly Ringwald confronts Andrew McCarthy and calls him a liar when he says that he doesn’t love her basically. I hit Ken. I hit him so hard my hand hurt. I hit him right in the chest – unknowingly aiming for his heart because I felt at that moment that he had broken mine. I swear that was the first time I had ever cried over a boy. I just existed for days and when I remembered to breathe this pain would just fill my body and I’d start to cry all over again.

I was homesick for years. But I never went back to Minnesota. I never went back to the little mini apple – and I never spoke to Kenneth G. again.

Minneapolis is a little town that should be painted purple. Purple for Prince. You gotta know and love Prince to understand all that. The city I lived in had a “downtown” but I had never been downtown until I went to the Twin Cities. Once I was there – I thought I would never leave. The Mississippi River acts like some sort of border that meanders through that city quietly and steadily. The winters are horrible there (which is part of the reason I moved to warmer state) and the winds that come off of the lakes and the river could freeze hell in an instant. I remember walking over bridges in Minneapolis in the winter time and praying that I wouldn’t freeze by the time I reached my destination. Wind in Minnesota can chill your bones in a matter of a moment.

But I felt safe there. Broken hearts, and cold ass walks across bridges, and purple rain be damned – I have never loved a city as much as I loved Minneapolis – and I doubt I ever will.

When I heard the news that a bridge had collapsed in Minneapolis my heart felt like it was breaking all over again. I stayed up all nite last night – calling frantically and finally reaching my family that had just left for Minneapolis Airport a little less than a week ago before. Having reached them, I read to them the chilling news from the internet; they had recieved news but surprisingly the news from my little lap top was more complete than the news from the local television station. I have cousins that cross that bridge monday thru friday on their way to work. I have teachers who live in that city and uncles that work across the river at the Universities. I have memories shot through a camera lense by a boy who broke my heart just a few short years ago. It is a tragedy that hasn’t quite hit me yet – but I feel myself a bit numb because of it.

Earlier today as I left for school a neighbor ran out to the street to speak to me. He’s from Minnesota, too. Surprisingly there are a lot of people here that lived there once upon a time. Before he opened his mouth to speak I told him that my family was fine. Yes – I spoke to them. No they were miles away from the bridge when it collapsed. Yes, I would tell them he asked about them. Yes, there are a few people we haven’t heard from yet, but I’m sure they are going to be fine. Yes – it is horrible what happened. Yes – I understood that they were now RECOVERING bodies and no longer RESCUING them. Yes, it’s important to live each day like it may be your last. Yes, I need to tell people more often that I love them. Yes, I love you too. Yes, I’ll tell you if I have any more news from Minnesota. Yes, if I need anything I’ll be sure to call. Yes, I’m still in shock and can’t believe it happened.

No, I can’t believe that it happened.

Minneapolis – my heart aches for you.

So, as my last post stated, I have been busy de-cluttering my life. I figured I’d start in my room and have been going strong for the past 2 days. You would think my room was huge, huh? It’s not – I just havehad a lot of stuff that I just wasn’t using anymore. I’ve packed up a few boxes to bring to Good Will tomorrow – and I have my loft left to go. I’m thinking that by Monday I should be pretty much in the clear. Thank God. This has been a bigger task than I had initially anticipated.

I so enjoyed opening up drawers and tossing things into the trash, though. I figure if I haven’t worn something in the past 2 months I’m not going to start now – summer clothes the only exception to the rule. Mismatched socks I keep waiting to be reunited with their better half? Toss. Panties that have holes in them? Toss. Tank tops that have seen better days? Toss. Lingerie that reminds me of my last boyfriend? Burn then Toss. LOL! I am a tossing fool. I also went thru my books and decided which books to keep and which to give away – and I decided to part with a few of my books from the courses I took at a nearby college this summer. I know that I could sell them back for a fraction of the price I paid for them – but many of my books aren’t even going to be used next year. I figure SOMEONE will want them at the Good Will. Let them collect them and bring the “stuff” back to their home – I’m finished with it.

So after a few last hours of sorting (this time thru markers, pens, and colored pencils) I’m done. The rest of this is going to have to wait until tomorrow. The good news? I think I’ve done enough that I finally feel like writing. I’m not completely over my writer’s block that has been sitting on my shoulders for the past … what? 3 days now? But I feel it decreasing in size quite a bit. The stuff has been cleared and has made a way for inspiration, I think. I feel it coming… mmmmm…. YEAH!!!

Before I go for the evening – let me just give a few “howdies” and “how do you dos” to a few people who have gently interupted my whole clean sweep mission with some great calls/tips/letters.

To 2 n’s who is in Scotland flirting with the lasses and wearing kilts for the next two weeks: Thank you so much for the gifts. I know they are on their way – and they are not yet in my capable hands – but THANK YOU. I have cleared the way on my bookshelf for them (lol! Come on – I KNOW you’re getting me books!) and I can’t wait to see what you have recommended for me this time!

To clue everyone else in on what has been happening: I have started to collect lists of books from my callers who love to read. What you can do (at any time and in any order) is send me a list of some books that you think are books that everyone should read. I don’t want to know what books are on the best sellers list or whatever – I want to know what books you find instrumental/noteworthy/important. I’m not saying that I will necessarily read every book on your list – but I’m curious to know what everyone is reading. I also need to read more so I’m starting a little CeCe book club of sorts. You can send the list you’ve created to celinawetdreams (gmail address) if you feel so inclined to do so. K. Thanks!

Um – I have officially become a little “band aid” I think! What should I name you? I think I’m going to name you, “gently weeps” – as in “my guitar gently weeps”. Yeah. GW for short, k? k.
So GW is on tour and has a roomie! (giggles). So my pictures are currently keeping him company since there is no way he can tell his roomie to get the hell out of the hotel room so he can phone bone his online band aid! I just find that so… Almost Famous-y. I’ve never slept with a band member before, either. Not an “official” band member. We (GW&I) became acquainted a few days ago and we hit it off rather nicely. He has the kind of fantasy that I love – and after our fantasy he actually held onto it by telling me that he was going to keep his eye on me from his house across the street. I love it when I can continue on with the fantasy even after the call has “ended”. “UNBELIEVABLE… I am breathless. I cannot speak, walk, or even stand. That was truly perfection. “ Thank you so much, GW. You’re perfect, too! Can’t wait to hear all about your tour when you get home!

To my somewhat disobedient panty boy (where are the measurements and stats, little one?) who I talked to nearly a week ago now: YOU are FUN! I have actually considered starting a new listing – even though “anything goes” pretty much covers all bases. I think a nice little feminization listing will do my spirit (and body) good!! If I can instruct little panty boys who dress up in women’s clothing as I’ve instructed you – the world will be a much prettier place. Like I said – I LOVE projects – and makeovers are my speciality! The thought of having you in front of me – and my M.A.C. products lined up in a row – and dipping my make up brushes into pretty colors that will transform you into the perfect little slut is more than I can stand! Now if you can just go ahead and send me your inventory so I can give you a shopping list – things can move on ahead to the next stage! Excellent call! She has an amazing voice and is very knowledgeable about various fetishes and kinks. i will be calling again. Thank You. Why thank you ever so much, pretty one. Now – stop procrastinating, say bye to your little girlfriend as she trots to work not ever guessing in a million years that you’ll be in her closet dick in hand, and get me my lists so we can go shopping!

Seems the piictures continue to be a popular “aid” (lol!) to our phone encounters, too! These are some of the BEST pics of CeCe I have seen. They are so fucking HOT. Seeing her use that glass dildo. Watching her open her sweet pink pussy wide open. I’m still shaking. I put on the slide show loop and just watched and jerked off. Her pics got me so hot. I came hard, I mean real hard. Just had to log back and tell you how great they were, but my hands are still shaking its hard to type. Joe sure liked them!! I didn’t even realize that one could put them on slide show – but now that I think about it … what a WONDERFUL idea!!! I happen to like the glass dildo set particularily well. I have to get some pics of me using my favorite toy, soon – but in the meantime all you boys should probably check out the picture set of the … month? lol! The glass dildo was an old favorite that I tend to neglect because of Mr. Hitachi – but I may just have to break him out of his cell (drawer) next time dear sweet Joe calls! You can put on the slide show again, Joe, while I play with that dildo on the phone with you at the same time. Won’t THAT be a good time?

Can I mention one more person before I close for the evening…? She’s amazing! Cece, I feel a level of intimacy with you that should be impossible in this format. Thank you!
I feel the same way, Sweetie! I say it so much that sometimes even I get sick of hearing it – but here I go again: I’m way lucky. I’m only able to give myself so intimately, G.L. because you’re able to give of yourself so intimately. You make it incredibly easy, absolutely fabulous, and tremendously exciting to have these fantasies with you. In addition to being one of my very first callers – you are one of my sweetest callers, too. Thank you so much for your sweet and generous feedback.

As always – to those I may have not named – you have not been forgotten. Check your emails later on (by the end of this weekend for sure) for something very special. I know I didn’t “have” to – but neither did all of you who saw to give me sweet words just because you were so moved to. Just a little “tit” for that. *slaps knee* I’m so clever sometimes!

Ok – I gotta get to bed. I have a trip to good will tomorrow with my family – and I have more last minute cleaning to do before I get to sit back and admire all my hard work. Then I also am going to work on a few recordings tomorrow – and finish up a few things here on the site, too. (Oh Teeeeeeeee… I’m finally handing in my homework!!!). (On an aside: Have any of you noticed who’s site is FEATURED on Tee’s designing page? Yup – that would be your cute little CeCe!! Coolio Beans!!!) And yes, I’ll be taking calls off and on tomorrow. More than likely in the morning – then back on again from the evening to late late evening. I’m NOT going to go out – I have to start organizing myself for 2nd summer session – and then Fall Semester at college. Maybe I’ll get to take more ORAL examinations tomorrow. (wink wink nudge nudge). I’m always game for playing school!

There are some holidays that make me nostalgic much more than others. I know that the typical holiday that would bring tears to eyes and cause people to break out the ole family albums and weep for yester-years would be Christmas – but Christmas has never been my favorite holiday. Perhaps it’s the crowds that you have to fight thru – and the presents you have to figure out to buy for people – and trying not to look too disappointed when your grand mother gives you another pair of home made mittens (with strings attached to them so you don’t lose them – which was cute when you were 5 – but just plain obnoxious at age 15…). It could be that the holiday just isn’t any fun when you’re still too small for the grown up table and too old for the kiddie table and are forced to cut up the ham for your nieces and nephews at the not even stable card table that inevitably falls over at some point of the festivities. Nah – Christmas isn’t my most favorite of holidays – even though Silent Night sung in my father’s church in 4 part harmony over candle light does make up for everything I mentioned before (yes, even Grammy’s mittens).

The holiday that makes me the most homesick for MN has to be The 4th of July. Hands down. With a big huge slice of watermelon on the side. I LOVE the 4th. I love everything about it – even the loud fireworks and the smell of hair burning when it gets a bit too close to the sparklers.

At the lakes when I was younger, I would wake up as early as I could and just about jump out of my skin for the day to begin. EVERYONE came to our house for the holiday: Grandparents, Cousins, Aunts, and neighbors who knew that we knew how to throw a big party. When the cars were parked up and down the drive way and spilled onto our lawn – the kids would gather and change into our swimsuits. We would spend the rest of the day and evening in them, eating watermelon and corn on the cob and jumping into the lake to “wash off” afterwards. There would be waterskiing and “tubing” and swimming out to the raft that sat waiting for us in the middle of the lake. I have no idea what the grown ups would do – they wouldn’t even really watch us very much until we needed them to pull us in the speed boat and then only if my brothers, who were old enough to do it on their own, were otherwise occupied (smoking pot in the treehouse, sneaking beers from the cooler, or sneaking peeks at the always present gorgeous friend one of the cousins brought along for the holiday).

This 4th will be spent at a body of water – but nothing like the lake. I am not going to get into a whining type of fit here – but I just have to say a few things: The ocean is nothing like a lake. Oceans make waves that are angry. The waves crash up on the shore and deposit things on the sand while taking a bit of sand and debris back with it. The ocean – at least here in Southern California – is dirty, and having a mouthful of the ocean and accidentally swallowing a few cup fulls, could result in a few days of paranoia of what type of disease you’ve infected your body with. I’ve never seen a person swim in an ocean in southern California. I’ve seen people run into the ocean and just as quickly run back out again – but I haven’t seen a person actually swim and submerge themselves in it…at least not on purpose. No matter how many people pee in a lake the water is still clear. And we drink it often. Saves the trip up the steps to get a soda is our motto. The fish in the lakes in Northern MN are safe to eat and you can actually figure out what type of fish it is. Sunfish. Trout. Bullheads. I once was at the Santa Monica Pier and saw someone fishing. I waited while the fisherman and his son pulled and tugged and reeled in their catch. When they had finally succeeded in pulling their “catch” from the ocean’s depth – I gasped. I’m serious. I gasped. And then I said, “What is that?” and the fisherman answered me. He said, with this look of fear on his face, “I don’t know.” It seemed to be living, so it wasn’t a dead body, old shoe, or waste or anything like that. But it was some type of ocean creature that one could not eat - and I wondered how in the hell he was going to take it off his hook. Whatever “bait” he used, I hope he got rid of it. A simple worm in the lakes of MN would have yielded a fish big enough to feed a … you know what? Let me stop. Let me just stop.

So tomorrow my family and I will be going to a beach house about 10 feet away from the ocean. If that. It reached 108 today and at the beach it will be closer to 70. The sand will be hot – but the mist generated by those somewhat angry waves will make everything comfortable. The family that has invited us will have lots of delicious food like corn on the cob and watermelon and chicken and every flavor of chip imaginable. We’ll probably fight with the little kids over who gets to sit in the hot tub next, and I’ll have the seasonal fight with Mr. K who always threatens to pull me into the ocean while sand finds its way into orfices it has no business even seeing. I think I’ll bring along a book – or two, my journal and of course my ipod and all these things will stay in my beach bag (along with the sunscreen I wished I had pulled out) the entire time. I’ll probably bring along guitar hero which is like the best game E-V-E-R and we’ll wrap up the evening by playing Charades (which is a very competitive game among people who feel they should have been actors and actresses) and we’ll fall asleep on the drive back (but hopefully not the person who is driving) after 10 or more hours soaking up the sun and the ocean breeze. It isn’t quite like memories from growing up – but it comes mighty close and beats sitting inland gasping as the dry heat sucks up every bit of energy and compassion you have.

I hope that everyone enjoys their 4th – in whatever way you decide to celebrate it. Try not to get annoyed at the firecrackers that go off on your street long after midnight – and eat a nice piece of juicy watermelon and think of me. If you can. Let the juice just run down your hand and over your mouth until you are sticky and then either jump in a pool, lake, ocean, or shower to clean off. But more important than any traditions you may partake in – be safe. Be safe and be careful and return back home rested, tanned, and … well, horny. I’ll be back either late July 4th, or by the 5th. Look for me.

Celebrity fit club. I like seeing transformations in people. This Sunday I look forward to what can only be described as the fight of the century. I hope Dustin goes down. Screech has problems. They should have made sure he had a girlfriend in SAVED BY THE BELL and then maybe he wouldn’t be so bitter and desperate today. Ugh.

I enjoy my little pay per view movies. Put in some money – and ta dah! Instant pleasure. I have thought about giving a link and maybe being an affiliate – but I’m really scared that my customers would enjoy it more than their talks with me. Seriously. They are that good.

I secretly am relieved that Jerry F. is gone. I don’t tend to hate many people – but I enjoy hating the things that they stand for and believe in when it puts down several groups of innocent people. It’s not kind to speak of the dead, Jerry, so I’ll spare you. You should have done the same when proclaiming that the huge number of gay men who died of aids “deserved” it. Shame on you. If indeed your beliefs are right, by the way, what did you do wrong to die so suddenly at such a relatively young age? Hmmmm? blah.

There are these grapefruit and peach candies that I enjoy TOO much that I get sent to me by my friend in Japan. I get tons and tons of them – and I sit down and suck off all the sugar from the candies before chewing up the chewy goodness of them. It takes me minutes to devour a bag. All the things I know about sugar consumption does nothing to stop the madness. I will eat the sour yet sweet morsels until my tongue grows numb and the sugar high sends me thru strange and exciting moods.

And then there are pictures. Pictures of my family when they were growing up. Pictures of my mother when she was a little girl intrigue me. Pictures of how things use to be – pictures of intimate moments that weren’t suppose to be captured – like my grandmother ruffling my grandfather’s hair while he bends over to inspect their car during their honeymoon.

Barry Manilow. Guilty. John Denver. Guilty. Cat Stevens. Guilty. Bread. Guilty as charged.

My hitachi wand, The Deans Office, and loose leaf college ruled paper – combined into a typical yet tantalizing fantasy – guilty as hell.

I’m finding that those friends that are closest to me not only share many of these same pleasures, but have some of their own to add to the pile. On the phone we can sift thru them all – laugh and breath sighs of relief when we realize that we are definitely NOT alone in them – and look forward to maybe creating a few guilty pleasures of our own.

Thank you for allowing me to be one of your guilty pleasures….

I have a few minutes – So I’d like to offer my unsolicited opinion on a few newsworthy items:

• Paris Hilton - I think she’s disgusting. She evokes all kinds of nasty verbage from my throat – like SLUT – and TRAMP – and anorexic foul mouthed spoiled bitch. (somehow that made me feel a bit like my name was pot and I was calling the kettle black…)
  I’m sorry that she is so damn spoiled that she can’t read the note that says YOU CAN’T DRIVE BIATCH – so maybe since she is so spoiled that she can’t read her own judgements – she can now go to jail and learn to read the sign above her bunk that tells her that Helga down the block wants her tiny ass for breakfast. And while we’re at it – don’t think for a moment that even though Paris and her sex tapes and smelly c..t muscle gives me the creeps – I still don’t mind having the fantasy that many American Men probably share with me – and that is – a nice prison guard shoving his nightstick thru the bars and up her little hole while she sucks off Helga’s strap on shlong. Yea, I went there. Shocked?
• David H. from Bay Watch – Damn damn damn. I know booze is from the devil when you’re eating your (what looks like) In and Out burger off the bathroom floor while your 14 year old daughter tapes you. Before I go kinky here – let me just make it abundantly clear to all who read that having your daughter take responsibility for your fucked up ness is just not a good idea. It just isn’t. If you don’t want to drink – then maybe you should have cameras up in your house recording you 24/7 – and then when you fall off your little red bay watch wagon – the cameras will already be there in force to record you. Why make your daughter responsible to do it? She’s too young to be your savior – and you should really be the adult here. Everyone else can sit and moan about how bad drinking is and how you know you have a problem when blah blah blah – but I’m concerned about the role you put your little daughter in. Shame on you Mr. H from Baywatch. Running along the beach in slo motion didn’t teach you a damn thing about fatherhood, I see. So yeah. Taping an older man and using that against him in order to get whatever I want …. that fantasy has been playing on repeat in my mind since this whole story aired. Uff dah.
• Alec Baldwin. Or is it ALEX? Whichever/whomever/whatever. You’re gonna get irrate at you and Kim’s seed and yell all kinds of stupid shit about teaching her a lesson and her being a pig, was it? Are you serious, Mr. Baldwin? Now you know I love you. I happen to think you’re pretty hot. And as disgusted as I was about you yelling at your daughter on the phone – um… it did make me a bit hot at the same time. And I don’t play submissive well. But let’s back up a moment: You left it on a tape for the world (Itube) to listen in on. You’re an actor. Don’t you realize the power (by now) of film and audio and how timeless it all is? Then you go on the view and sit next to Rosie and the other not so important chicks and you think that their maternal instincts is gonna make it all better for you? You’re sitting next to the answer to your problems, Mr. B. and you don’t even realize it. Yes – Rosie. She’s not really all that attractive, really, right? Kinda cute and has a GREAT personality. She’s funny (which you should enjoy) and though she doesn’t spread food around her body like good ole Kim – I’m sure she enjoys a great meal from time to time. Look at her. LOOK AT HER!!!! You should have married someone like Rosie. Because obviously you can have no sense when it comes to attractive sexy women. If you had married someone a bit more … NORMAL looking – then you probably wouldn’t be getting all psycho on your daughter that you share with good ole Kim B. You married the most beautiful woman in the whole universe really – and married a woman that all kinds of men were beating off to daily – and this is where it got you. Insanely angry and bitter and alone. Marry yourself a normal girl who will take care of you – and then spend some of your hard earned money calling some of the “kim b’s” on niteflirt for your little fix. There is truth to the song, “If you want to be happy for the rest of your life…” Think about it. The kink factor? I have my fantasies of fucking a man who has “settled” right along with every other attractive girl like me. For a shopping spree every now and then I might even let you say naughty things to me on my answering machine……..

I feel much better having gotten that off my chest…. Forgive me for being so politically incorrect. or don’t.