So the gray skies really cleared up. Literally and figuratively! California’s “winter” consists of rain - and boy did it pour. Over the past few days (um - probably about 4 days in a row) California has been dowsed in a heavy duty layer of wet. If I was the kind of kid who believed that rain was God’s tears - I would seriously start packing up and contracting a local carpenter to build an ark. I’m not exactly sure how much rain actually fell on us - but it was significant. Jackson, now 89 percent potty trained (LOL! I like the looks of that - 89 percent…), suffered from a few set backs. One day I brought him inside with a towel draped over his head and his furry body tucked inside of my sweat shirt - placed him down on the floor for about 2 seconds too long and he proceeded to unleash a stream equal to the streams that gushed in the street gutters outside. Had he not peed this stream on a visitor I would have been impressed. Picking him up in mid-stream only soaked me and his little body and by the time I placed him on his potty pad reserved for rainy days - he was pretty empty and just looked up at me like - “um … was that really necessary?” The thunderstorms - or flood - or God’s tears - meant that Jackson would have to be entertained inside. It also meant no walks - no freedom - no smelling the pee and poo of other dogs in the neighborhood. It basically meant jail - and from that moment forth, Jackson organized and led his own revolt against the establishment (me.) He chewed thru an important media hub, he made a hole in his play pen, he barked and growled at my computer screen - especially when my browser pointed towards Niteflirt. He found a way to unzip (I’m not lying) his little bed I bought for him at Petsmart months ago - reach in with his little snout - and pull out every bit of foam in that “puppy” and distribute it all over my office floor. Not at all sated, Jackson then spent the remaining part of his sentence humping everything in site. Pillows, stuffed toys, my shoes, and his blankets were no longer safe and probably all have to attend some serious counseling to get over the trauma of a little furry marshmallow jack-hammering away. I’m sure if there was a tin cup around - Jackson would have found a way to run it across the “bars” of his prison cell…he was so not happy.

Jackson was not the only one who was suffering though. I found myself slowly slipping into this dreary rain induced coma. I had lots of projects to do - lots of new ideas to implement - but I could not find the energy to break thru the huge amount of code hell that poured down relentlessly around me. Um - not around me - ON me. With each project I felt that there was more and more and still more to accomplish. I was rowing along not so gently down the stream and I wasn’t getting anywhere. It wasn’t the type of depression really that I sometimes drift into around certain days - it was more about being frustrated. Overwhelmed. Fed - up.
So I called on a few people to help me out - some who were experiencing their own weather-causing hell - and some who really had no idea what to do to help me because I was so drenched I couldn’t even effectively communicate what exactly I needed! The AGONY!

A few days passed - and a few patches of sunlight managed to make an appearance before the rain proceeded - but I had some relief. But then before any rainbow could appear, the rains would come again.

Then Monday happened. Not a cloud in the sky. Blue skies - smiling at me. Nothing but blue skies. I don’t know what changed besides the weather - but I felt just the tiniest bit of … hope. I sat down - I discussed what I needed with SBJ, Tiffers, and Doc. I googled till I couldn’t google any more - and then I did something that amazes even me. I fuckin did it. Fuckin’ is so necessary right now. I downloaded the fuckin plug in - I uploaded the fuckin plug in - I read the directions backwards and forwards - promised endless blowjobs to Doc if he could help me figure out what the hell I was doing wrong to cause the damn fuckin thing to not load - and together we did it. We absolutely did it. I did it. It was my last minute ditch attempt to find a work around to something that hopefully eventually will be better - but for now it looks pretty damn good to me. This morning I woke up - ok, ok, ok - this AFTERNOON I woke up (I went to bed at 7:00AM - installing that fuckin plug in and talking to my callers in between - thank you ALL!!!) and sat down and started again. I found the damn RSS feed - though I am afraid to even mention it out of fear I’ll lose it again!, I found a website where I can upload my podcasts and where they will give my podcasts meaning (rss feeds, etc.), I uploaded and linked my voice samples to my listings (I maybe should have done 1 individual one per listing - but for now it’s set up as a play list - each time you push play it will cycle thru 3 voice samples… ), I worked out in between my accomplishments - took some more calls - redeemed 2 gift certificates for lovely presents on my wish list, received a pretty fricken terrific tribute from SBJ along with 3 cds (Free To Be You And Me, Carole King’s Tapestries, Carole King’s Greatest Hits), a dvd of FTBYAM, a book (FTBYAM), and a packet of about the loveliest pens EVER!, Vday chocolates and candy from Doc (he just knew I needed sustenance to continue on my hell-acious journey!) and several dozen calls from Tiffy (resulting in orgasmic bliss) to power me along. I realized as I jumped over hurdle after hurdle (once I got momentum that is) that I was actually now having a little bit of fun.

So I’m good. I have miraculously (well - thru drive, tears, sweat and many long pm’s and emails from my support staff - lol!) installed a plug in that will allow you all to listen to my podcasts - right here on the diary. I have also signed up for half a dozen pod communities where my show - YTWD - Come Dream With Me - will air proud and strong every Monday - starting Wednesday (lmfao) January 30, 2008. I did purchase the domain: YTWD Radio, which is still in the works. Eventually that will be the home for my podcast - but it is no longer detrimental/crucial. It will happen when it happens…

I will post the podcast to this very post after I have completely edited it. It’s running a bit long at the moment - but it might be due to the fact that I had to use 5 minutes to explain a whole lot about NF - not everyone who hears it will be a customer of mine - but here’s hoping (with in reason and time restraints) that many will be. Thank you to EVERYONE for helping me endure this mighty huge hurdle. A lot of you shouldered a lot of my anger, frustration, tears and sweat and I’m so damned relieved that I have something to fuckin’ show for it! Thank you SBJ (for the books, mic, pens, cds, gifts, etc!), Tiffers (for the coding support, shoulder, ear, pm box, cheers of elation when I succeeded, and presents - you know the ones I’m referring to!), Doc (for the candy, chocolates, cds, reading the directions slowly and carefully and making suggestions even though I snapped at you plenty of times for giving them to me, and for finally stumbling on the message board/comments where we found the one who helped me the most. What is his name, again? And yeah - I know I owe you blow jobs and sex for the rest of my life.), and even Rolf who managed to call me from Spain for a few minutes and briefly listened while enduring food poisoning to my woes and tribulations. And thank you Mama Tee. Even though you push me endlessly to be more independent and rely a bit more on my own resources and reading comprehension - I never really understood (or appreciated) how that would be valuable to me at times like this - when life and other circumstances render you unable to be at my beck and call. I learned a lot - as painful as it was - and while there is still so much more to learn, I feel that I can handle it. I still need you, you know - but at least I have a great appreciation for the things you have done for me - and a greater appreciation for the things I can accomplish when I’m pushed to the limit. You’re still my bff and I love you.

So to everyone who helped me thru yet another CeCe drama… This podcast is for you.

Yes - My birthday IS right around the corner. Tiffy seems to have been preparing for this day long before me … and to that I say - well, nothing. I just haven’t been that into my bday. I guess because my bday has always been some preliminary to Christmas. I never expected a lot on my birthday - I doubled up on the gifts during Christmas cuz of everyone’s guilty feelings for not having made such a big deal about it. My callers have proven themselves to be much more sensitive about my bday than my parents ever were… Thanks guys!

A while ago people were asking me what I really wanted for my bday. I even had a person who had never called me ask me what I wanted for my birthday. To use his words - what I “REALLY wanted” (ah tell me what you want what you really really want!) At first these requests after establishing an 8 page wish list seemed silly to me - but when I thought about it a few days ago I realized that my wishlist can read sort of like some crazy cryptic message. To me - it all makes sense. I can tell you by looking at any page of my wish list exactly what I was thinking about. I can tell you what classes I was taking - what caught my attention during that particular time of my life or school year or whatever. But from the outside I know it looks a bit - crazy and schizophrenic. So … here is the one and only bday post I will do (until next year.) I will put it on out there what gifts I would really like to have - above all the other presents on my wish list. I also went through my list today and removed a few things that no longer interested me (like the vibrators - cuz well - Mr. Hitachi wand and the little bunny makes all those other toys totally unnecessary!) Once again - these gifts are merely suggestions. Anything on my wish list will tickle me pink.

Ok … so here we go.

If you don’t mind the thought of me watching too much television when I should be working hard on my math homework - these dvd collections would thrill me completely! THE DIRECTORS- THE ESSENTIAL DVD COLLECTION is mega expensive - but hey… if you have a few hundred burning a hole in your pocket - you can indulge me and get it. Isn’t the case absolutely ADORABLE? THE BILLY WILDER COLLECTION is gorgeous, too. Also any MUPPET SHOW series - or best of collection would be cool beans! EVERYONE LOVES RAYMOND, I LOVE LUCY, GILMORE GIRLS or THE BRADY BUNCH would all be way cool too. Especially RAYMOND or BRADY BUNCH! If it would make you feel better to send me something to read - then THE COMPLETE WORKS OF SHAKESPEARE, STEPHANIE PLUM BOXED SET (I don’t have any of them so please start at the beginning and purchase the first set first and so on… ), JANE AUSTEN COLLECTION or the ROALD DAHL Gift Set would be cool times a billion. There are also 3 (or is it 4?) POST SECRET books that I’ve been DYING to have. If you realize by now that I have plenty to read - and really want me to finish the recordings I’ve been promising for a year now - you can get me that really cool USB Microphone. If you want me to just write already and stop procrastinating my life away by watching too many movies - you can pick up any number of journals on my list - or hey - (a girl can dream!) buy me that Mac Lap Top I’m orgasming over. If you’d rather give me something more romantic or just want to spoil me a little bit - you can send me a gift certificate on Amazon and I can get some perfume or jewelry or lotion or whatever. And if you realize by now that music is my life - the new Itouch or the new Ipod 8 GB would suffice. *wink* Beyond these suggestions - anything that is on my wishlist (honestly) I would be happy to recieve. By now everyone knows what a movie freak I am - and how much I love Julie Andrews. A simple DVD of my absolute IDOL would be a sweet and truly appreciated present. Hopefully these suggestions will help all who asked. I see I’ve already received a few gifts from my list already and a few teasing emails from “secret” admirers telling me they are sending me things… and that I need to wait to open up the actual package on my bday. (yeah - right!)

I’m totally sleepy right now. NF went down right as I was speaking to Mr. Pink. (been a long time, mister!) - and it doesn’t look like NF will be up until way later. Jackson had another class today along with a grooming appointment and he wore me out. I hear him tumbing about in his crate right now - and if I stay up much later he’ll think it’s time to get up and play and ai won’t be sleeping until this afternoon. I’ll log in for a bit tomorrow - and Sunday - though I have a date with the Tiffers - and I think I have a date earlier in the afternoon with UR - Who is celebrating a certain um … Half a century event!

Have a great evening - thanks for the gifts and calls so far - and have a safe and wonderful day of Thanks - in case I don’t get back til after the blessed event. Hope the turkey isn’t dry - and that your relatives don’t drive you too crazy.

So now that the smoke has settled - things are getting back to normal around here. Halloween went on with out a hitch (I didn’t dress up - and Jackson outgrew his Harley Davidson outfit much to my horror - so he didn’t dress up either) - Midterms happened and I survived (Say hello to my little friend A.) and I’ve been feeling pretty darned good. I got flowers the other day from a secret admirer…really pretty ones - roses, carnations, babysbreath…so pretty!!!, a new printer/photocopier/scanner from a friendly nazi, and a play pen from Dr. Feel Better himself. On top of the amazon gifts I’ve also received some great cash prizes from some adoring fans (thanks mr. cum69, chair, gun, matty, fit, and sexaddict ), and then some of the sweetest compliments/feedback comments ever! You all sure know how to cheer up a little girl, don’t you! Thank you so very very much from the bottom of my heart! MWAH!!!!!

So why the title? Well - a funny thing happens in Southern California after a fire. Animals start appearing that use to stay far away in hills and on mountain sides. Animals like - cougars. yeah. I’m not lying.

About a week ago a cougar hopped over a 6 foot fence in an adjoining neighborhood - mauled a little puppy - and ran off with a 50 lb (or was it 60?) dog in it’s mouth. The owners were eating breakfast and didn’t hear the doggies in the yard and went to investigate and found one puppy badly injured, and the other doggy was missing. They ran up the hill behind their house I guess and found a little bit of fur lying in a pool of blood. After the Vet had examined the other puppy that had managed to escape the cougar - they realized that the injuries were cougar related. There is a law in California that you can not hunt cougars (looks out the window nervously.) So anyways - Jackson is not allowed out in the yard with out supervision. Supposedly cougars are okay until they are surprised (or hungry) but um - yeah. Jackson would be like some finger food before the bigger meal (me?) so I’m a bit nervous at the present moment. Gotta love LA. Writers strike, Santa Ana winds, Fires, Arnold S. for governor, and now Lions running amuck.

Tonight we fall back - so I’m going to be on for a bit tonight. I’ll at least be on alerts for awhile - because, well, I can be. And I wasn’t on very long yesterday (just long enough to speak to my sweetie “chair” - HI Sweetie !! - Thanks for the call) due to Puppy School Fridays.

And since you asked - Puppy school is going alright. I do wish, however, that children were not allowed unless they could behave. There were five more children there this past Friday. They seem to be multiplying. Also - Jack was one of 2 of his breeds last week. This week - there were 2 other doggies - and the rest were all Maltese. I don’t know how that happened, either. Jackson was tortured by 3 boys. The two girls were on the other side of the training area. Jack would have been better off next to the girls. The little boy (the California Strangler) was better behaved, too. But the 3 boys, Satan, Damien, and Lucifer, were horrible: dropping treats everywhere, bouncing balls in front of Jack, and grabbing his tail attempting to distract him from his lesson.

We learned how to walk on the leash, how to sit (Jack learned that weeks ago), and received tips on how to stop biting. I walked by the snack aisles, walked past the really cute t-shirts (Nearly Famous - how cute is that!?!), and even managed to walk by the really cute blankets and cute beds. TAH DAH.

I better go … I’ll talk with you later on this evening. Tomorrow I will be on in the evening, too - but have a date with the Tiffers. What time was that date again, Tiffy? midnight? Last call of the evening? Make an appointment before then because after Tiffy I’ll be hitting the hay. School on Monday, remember.

Talk soon…

I wrote up a huge long post - it was huge.. .it was long… honest! And it went poof when I accidently hit a wrong key. It’s almost 11:40PM right now - and I have school tomorrow. I also have homework that I didn’t touch all weekend. I was busy on the phones - and I was napping and enjoying my life (to answer your question as to why I didn’t do my homework) and so what that means is that tomorrow I will be busy catching up. Once a procrastinator - always a procrastinator.

These posts seem to get longer too the more I wait to write in them. I have some things to talk about that will take a bit longer than just a few moments - wait - did that last thing I said even make a bit of sense?

So here is a preview of the things I’m going to talk about in the next few days - in case I forget tomorrow and get writer’s block once more: Vitality. It’s a treat that Jackson loves. Seriously delicious by the way he licks his chops. Anal Butt Ring Toss. I was told about this by someone in the forums. I looked it up cuz it’s actually a toy - and the feedback is worth a blog entry. Go google if you’re dying to know and can’t wait till the post. I guarantee it’s pretty damn entertaining! I also need to talk about my issues with spoiling my dog. I have a problem - I am admitting to it. Of course I need to also discuss the tremendous outpouring of love I got this weekend - and the date of all dates with the Tiffers. Can I say - while I’m on the subject of “dates” - that I am so thankful to have the type of relationship with Tiffy that allows me the freedom of dealing with my child - Jackson. I can not think of any other customer (ok - that’s not quite true - I can think of several others that would laugh, one that would tell me to drug my dog, and another that would quietly suggest another time. LOL!) that would laugh with me as Jackson howls away in his crate during the most crucial of times with out completely losing it. Thanks Tiffy for finding the humor in all of that and helping me to see it, too. I guess Jackson isn’t the only one who is spoiled, huh? *wink*

I have so many things to say now that I risk another novel - but I will promise to break it up into bitesize morsels. I need to prioritize my entries I suppose.

Oooh - a few of my callers have birthdays this month. I am trying to figure out a few things to do for bdays - but I haven’t really thought of anything really cool. I think that my idea of a bday gift may not be what others think of as a gift - and vice versa. Until I know for sure though - here’s to M. (you know who you are!):

I had first started NF - and received a call from a man who had the most gentle of voices I had heard. From the first time we spoke it was clear that we really didn’t have to say much of anything. We would murmur little sweet nothings in each other’s ears and be content with the minutes we had together. Most of our communication came way of email or myspace or little notes sent back and forth. He also gave me a link to his blog - which I never told him - but I was honored. It is expected, you know - that I share my life like some open book I feel - but I am completely floored when my callers want to share themselves with me. I soaked up everything in his journal - I laughed at his little stories about the other side of the teacher’s desk - and admired his discipline when it came to writing. M. is a true artist - a completely sweet individual and a talented and gifted performer/actor. He is a gem of a human being, too. He has showered me with patience, understanding, and phone calls - even when it was difficult for him to do so due to other responsibilities in his life. He’s been a great friend to me - since the very beginning of CeCe on NF - and I wish for him a very very Happy Birthday. I’m sorry I’m a bit late on the wish. Hope the well wishes brighten your day.

I’ll write more later … have a great evening and see you tomorrow.

It was when I was just 6 years old that I realized that I had a little bit of a problem. I was sensitive. I was so sensitive and so wanting to be liked by the “right” people that I often found myself doing things for that little bit of whatever one can call it. I got my feelings hurt very easily - especially when someone was cross at me, raised their voice at me to correct me - or didn’t like me for whatever reason. I think the word that was used then was “cry baby” and my mother just translated that into “sensitive” to make it sound almost like a quality and not so much like a fault.

It was in Kindergarten that the big event happened that would change my life forever. This cute little dark haired boy who we will call from this point on Mikey S. - told me that he would give me a shiny quarter if I lifted up my skirt. I had already been reprimanded earlier that day by a teacher who told me not to hang upside down on the jungle gym in a skirt because “good girls don’t do that” - and prior to that humiliating event, had been asked to go steady by a 2nd grader who later turned out to be gay. When I say that the first 2 years of school shaped my life tremendously, please believe me. So Mikey held up a nice shiny quarter and as I was contemplating what I would do (ok, ok - I lifted up my skirt) in walks Mrs. Harden - our teacher. She gasped. Seriously gasped. Sometimes people say “gasp” and they mean some inward surprise reaction that they picked up but I heard my teacher audibly gasp - like “haaaaaaha” and quickly pulled Mikey from the scene of the crime returning to pull me into a corner where she lectured me for the second time that day. Good girls do not show their panties to boys, she told me. What she didn’t say was that I had shown my panties to a boy so I was not “good” anymore. For a second I did think to ask her if good boys offered good girls quarters to see their panties, but I couldn’t think after the label she had bestowed on me. To make matters just that much worse, my father (The Reverend) was called in to school to speak to the teacher about my obvious deviance. It was a good thing that he stopped on by because I needed a ride home after I vomited in the water fountain from the absolute horrible shame I felt. I remember thinking as I got sick that the worst part of the whole ordeal (2nd only to my father having to come hear about his slutty daughter) was that I didn’t even get my quarter!

My father never spoke to me about it. I suppose he figured I had already made myself sick from the shame of the whole ordeal that he would just let it slide - but I never quite got over it and secretly always hated Mikey S for never having gotten so much of a lecture for his part in my defilement. He moved away (thankfully) in 3rd grade so I didn’t have to see him again - but I recently saw him at a wedding. He was pretty cute, actually, but I was not to be fooled twice (shame on me). I walked over to the table that he was seated at and put out my hand.

“I’d like my quarter, please”, I told him.

He laughed while eyeing me up and down - reached into his pocket and handed me a quarter, not even taking into consideration the rate of inflation. I thought that it would seem bigger than it actually was - but it just sat in my hand like some cheap representation of the years of shame I had lived through. I smiled, thanked him, and returned back to my seat across the banquet hall to the accompaniment of laughter. There was no water fountain, no quiet father driving me home, and sadly - no sense of victory in the exercise. For years I had hung on to something that really was insignificant…because I… am a cry baby sensitive.

I’ve tried for the past few years to be assertive. or a little assertive as the case more than likely is. I’ve been in a few bad positions due to my reluctance to practice these types of skills. I realize that there is a part of me that passively lives and when I see that trait in other people it angers me. Even in the most submissive relationships there is a strength in both partners, you know.

There is a situation that I’m going through right now that will soon be over (thankfully) and all I can really say (because really - people will “get it” with out knowing all the juicy boring details, honest) is that what bothers me the most is how I became in this situation a person who was lifting her skirt up for a quarter. Somehow I felt that I had to go along with it - maybe because he was a Professor - an elder - someone who I was dependent on for giving me a grade or whatever. But I did it. I fuckin pulled up my skirt and held my hand out for the quarter…which I never recieved. It’s not the quarter, Mikey S - and Professor. It really isn’t. It’s the fact that I lifted up my skirt - and that somehow I felt that I needed to do what I was told to do and as a result paid the price. In a fantasy being overwhelmed is sexy. But in real life sometimes being overwhelmed just makes me sick.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. This too shall pass.

Oh - I guess this would be a P.S. I can see a whole lot of .25 cent tributes coming my way today… there. I ruined the joke… it’s not quite funny enough yet. Well - actually the quarter story is funny now - but the other situation I eluded to isn’t quite funny yet. Remember my sensitivity issues, please. *lol*