It’s official. You are hearing it here first. I am no longer a teen. I turned the big 20 yesterday and sorry for not making a big deal out of it - but I just felt that it was an ending of sorts and definitely not one I wanted to face. I’ll try to explain a bit later in this post, but first I do need to say thank you for the boys who actually did remember my big day with out my typical pomp and circumstance I usually throw around here on my bday and Christmas’. I say that somewhat sarcastically… I just have not been one to announce the big day like that. It isn’t even a chance to test you guys to see if you will remember - I just think that bdays aren’t that big of a deal anymore - and I actually feel funny asking for things on that day, especially in today’s economy and so close to Christmas. I figure I’d prefer a Christmas gift anyway (grin). That’s what my family basically did: waited until Christmas and then made up for there somewhat pathetic bday gifts, always done at the last minute while shopping for the turkey. Not that I’m complaining. Much. So thank you: Tiffy, SBJ, Karl (VERY sweet gift, sweetie!!), Uncle Randy, and those of you who wished me happy Bday on our calls together. **MUAH**

But this year it was really one of those things I did not want to mention on here because I knew that if I announced it, I would have to figure out what I was going to do about the big departure from TEEN wet dream into the world of just wet dreams. I thought for awhile that I would retire once I reached the point where I could no longer call myself a teen. And I’m aware of the fact that there are some characters on Niteflirt who never age, and no one really cares … but just as my braces will eventually come off (less than a year and counting) so must I lose the “teen” in my name. How will it sound when someone calls me up and asks me how old I am, and I say “twenty.”? *click* I figured that retirement was as good an option as any. I wasn’t going to go suddenly. I would have had a party. Balloons, ice cream cake, a big candle in the shape of a penis. You know the kind. *wink* But yeah, I figured turning twenty was a sign to hang up my phone and headset and go into retirement.

I’m not going to retire. Come on. I’m not even done with school now, and there is a recession going on out there — and retail is not having a great time. Retail is what I’m best suited for, being a ‘young adult’ and all. So I’m going to sit still for a bit longer. I may change over to a different domain, but more than likely that will happen once my braces come off and I’ll turn into a young adult and leave the teen thing behind me. Even Peter Pan had to face growing up , you know.

So school is going. I got a perfect score on my Geography Map Quiz by the way. Ask me where the Canary Islands are. Go ahead, ask me! Geography is about to hit an intense level. We’re learning all about currents and wind patterns and other stuff I can’t even repeat…that’s how lost I am. But as lost as I am, I’m still getting a solid B+ in that class. After our field trip this weekend, I’m sure I’m getting an A+. We went to see the butterfly um .. what is it called? Farm? Reserve? and it was by far the prettiest thing I had ever seen. Then we went and looked at wave patterns on the beach. I’m not lying. We looked at wave patterns and then we also picked up rocks and tried to figure out what caused what topography. I kept on looking around this certain bend after hearing that that is where Santa Barbara University was. Can you imagine going to school on the damn beach? Come ON! Is it possible to get any work done at all? I saw quite a few students out tanning and surfing that day and also quite a few walking through the forests where the Butterflies hung in their little pods from the Eucalyptus trees. I have to go back there with Jackson. He’d freak out over the waves, but he’d really dig the Monarch butterflies, and the hike would wear his ass out big time!

English is a joke. I had mentioned once that I loved my teacher, but that love has quickly turned into a hate I can’t even express. I’m going to mention something in here now knowing that my readers will be sensitive and not ask me to do some sort of warped fantasy. I can do a fantasy about any other kinky freaky professor except for this guy - because it’s just too real to the truth. This is what happened. I wrote a paper about milk and how it’s not a good thing to drink. It’s an argumentative paper, I’m not going to get into it because I’m bored with it already. It’s a good paper but … yeah. Anyway - so I’m talking about milk and the milk commercials and I mention that it’s kind of sexual in nature, the whole milk above the lip thing and sexy models in these tank tops and fit bodies drinking it and blah blah blah. I don’t mean anything other than “sexual” in a very LOOSE term. Why the fuck did my teacher write on my paper “some people call it cum shots?” ???!!! Why???!!! Can anyone tell me in what world is that appropriate? I’m so not even lying. Not only did he write this on my paper, but then he announced it in my class that he wrote it on my paper too. While I was busy trying to figure out why the fuck he felt he could write something on my paper like that (to my knowledge he is not a caller!) I started to feel the eyes of every fuckin male student in my class looking at me wondering what it is that I knew that made the teacher write something like that on my paper. Seriously, I could feel them assessing me - checking me out in a very uncomfortable fashion. There are fantasies and then there are realities, and this, my friends, is a most creepy and gross reality. Before that gross comment my teacher has had other stupid things to say, too. About the Holocaust: “Get over it - lots of people have suffered.” About Koreans, “I didn’t know my son was mine … he ate so much rice I thought my wife had an affair with the postman … he’s Korean.” About Black people, “I told my friend once - hey - at least I can change color!” you get the picture. I was getting a C+ in my English class after I got straight B’s on my papers and Essay - but then I missed handing in a paper and got a C+. I handed in my paper last week though and I got a A- on it, but got counted down to a B+ due to it being late. Hey - I’ll fuckin take it. But I won’t take comments of cum shots on my paper. I still feel dirty - and I have done/talked about far more dirtier things in my life, trust me. Just somethin’ about a comment like that outside of niteflirt makes me way uneasy. Strange, huh?

In order to process all this stress of school and work and life and the uncertainty of our futures - I’ve taken my stress to the gym. I hired a nazi, let’s call her Elsa, and she kicks my ass 2 -3 times a week. I went to see her today and my finger tips hurt. I stepped up and down on a platform holding on to a weight that made me immediately decide against breast implants. My goodness - I practically tipped over holding onto 10 pound wheel of a weight. How ever do you big titty women keep your balance? Elsa says things to me like, “Do you want the easy way to do this next exercise, or are you ready for a challenge?” Damn her. How quickly she learns. All you have to do is put “easy” in front of something and “challenge” in front of the other choice - and you know I will do it. “So CeCe - do you want to deep throat me on your knees which is the easy way? Or do you want the challenge? You’ll be on the bed - on your back - with your head over the edge - and I’ll lower my 10 inches down your throat and you try not to gag. Which way do you want?” Shit! 10 inches of course!!! lol. In all honesty, though, I’m competitive as hell. It’s a good thing most of the time, but often I just set myself up for pain. Which I am experiencing now. But I love it. I absolutely love it. I love lifting weights, and doing girl pull ups, and doing balance work and core work and going 4.2 MPH on the treatmill on a 6.0 incline for 45 minutes. I enjoy sweating like a pig - walking out of the gym past all the muscle dudes, and knowing that I kicked my own ass and that I’m strong and capable and sweaty! It’s a great, great feeling. It’s also a great way to release a whole lot of worry, anger, grief, pain, etc. with out hurting anyone!

There are so many ways that we can deal with discomfort, hurt, stress, anger - and most of these ways that we use to cope will land us in the hospital soon enough. Cigarettes, overeating, stress, tempers, destructive lifestyles, not asking for help (or directions), etc. are just really counter-productive. One of the ladies I met while working at the gym a few years ago was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. I house sat for her - and she was so alive and energetic and … I can not even bear to call her up and talk with her. But I know I need to because she’s not going to be here for long. I promised myself that I would not be one of those x-smokers who nagged people to quit, and I’ve really kept that promise. But today I’m just going to end my long waited for post by saying that there are other ways to relieve stress. You could go look at some monarch butterflies or take a walk on the beach if you live in sunny southern California. You could join a gym - all the money you’d spend on cigs will surely pay for a membership, won’t it? You could also masturbate to a favorite movie or pictures (I will be updating my galleries very soon!!! I mean it this time!!!) or even call me for some release. However you decide to release some stress - I hope that you are able to release some so that you are more able to enjoy this holiday season coming up. You’ve all been such great gifts to me this year and I appreciate each and every one of you. Even calls that weren’t “perfect” or “five star” quality taught me a lot about myself and helped me to grow into the mature 20 year old I am today. Happy Holidays!! May your days and nights be Merry & Bright!

Tuesday: 11:00AM - 3:00PM, MIDNIGHT - 3:00AM - (later if needed)
Wednesday: 12:00PM - 3:00PM, off and on Wednesday evening - Thanksgiving preparations under way.
Thursday: Will try to log in once everyone passes out from the Turkey - but no promises. If I can make it it will be after 7:00PM PST.
Friday: TBA
Saturday: TBA
Sunday: TBA
*Feel free to make an appointment or email me if you need me to be available during a specific time for you. I will do my best to accommodate. *

Update to schedule: 11/26/08 — my late nites and school is catchin up with me! I’m actually going to take a nap. Yeah. A nap. It does a body good! I will be logging in and out intermittently throughout the next few days - but will try to keep you abreast of my comings and goings. How much innuendo can I use in a sentence?

Just a quick note - then back to studying I go (can anyone tell me the way to Maldives Island? Anyone?  Bueller?).   I completely realize I have treated you like red-headed step children for the past 3 months now.  My posts are pretty non existent, my updates are a joke and my scheduling promises read pretty much like the campaign promises of future/past/present leaders.  Because of this great track record I can’t even say "I’ll do better" with out sounding a bit like some babby daddy on the Maury Povich show (yeah - I watch, and?). 

But I promise I will do better. 

This is what we’re looking at for today’s schedule:

1. Geography Test soon - and studying and shower.  Not necessarily in that order - or I’d be pretty much one failing stinky student.
2. Work out at the gym tonight for 45 minutes (brisk walk while listening to some pretty happy energetic music on my Ipod and reading cspan on the televisions.
3. Limp to my car, drive home, log in and work on various projects I have going all at once in true A.D.D. fashion.
4. Consider blogging on these topics of interest while logging in to take calls around 11:00PM (perhaps sooner - but you know how Tuesdays are for me…):

   My Bday

    My C In English
    My Schedule for the rest of the week
    The Nazi at the Gym
    Retirement

5. Take Shower - floss - waterpick - french braid hair - say my prayers - and go to bed.

So … that is my plan. I need to go now so I can do the first thing on my list… studying.  So far I figured out my countries (just ask me where Myanmar is… go ahead - I’ll show you on my handy dandy map, I will!) but I have islands left to do and about an hour in which to do them.  Wish me luck … we’re heading towards the finish line and I’m running neck in neck with a Kenyan (Did you know, Obama, I ask him, trying to distract him.  He puts his fist in the air, I raise it in solitude - lose my pace, stumble, and fall even further behind.  Sneaky bastard, I think to myself, wondering where Kenya is in comparison to Sudan which is ON my map test, today…)

Talk to you soon.

Ok all my loyal wet dreamers Hey - gotta use that somehow … that’s pretty catchy, right?

anyhowwww - this is CeCe signing in for the evening. Except I’m not actually signing in. I’m going to go take a shower having walked a few miles, went to the gym AND had dinner with a great friend. I’m somewhat sore - sweaty - and a little in need of some tender lovin care. Hopefully all the great sweet gentle men with nice strong hands will be around to give my body the tender lovin care it deserves. *grin*

I’ll be fine, sweeties! No massage needed - just a little bit of forgiveness for making you wait another 45 minutes for my arrival. I will be here all ready for you at 10:45. That leaves me a little under 42 minutes - so I best be running/limping to the shower.

Talk soon.

Her last name had cock in it. But somehow her name escaped the taunts of highschool children. It was as though she was protected with a fine layer of repellent that nothing evil could penetrate. Everyone loved her. I was no exception.

She taught a bunch of subjects in our tiny little school (English, Voice, Psychology) and had gone to a college that only the finest teachers had attended. It was a well-known Minnesota college - Lutheran and liberal arts. My father had attended that same college - and his siblings - and virtually everyone in the little town of less than 1000 people. The fact that she had gone there just made the college (not her) that much more revered. At least in my 13-year-old mind.

I sought to be involved in everything she was involved in and that included an after school activity I didn’t even know if I was good at. I ended up winning two state titles. My name and picture were in the little town’s paper - and that was a big deal. I use to save all the clippings but have since lost track of them.

She had the neatest writing I have ever seen. When she wrote on the whiteboard it was as though she were drawing flowers and stems and leaves instead of words like Freud and Cognitive and Self Actualization. I would sit in her room during lunch period while the other children consumed heavy amounts of cheese the consistency of paste and pasta the texture of rubber. She would grade papers and I would pretend to read. I would look up from my desk and just stare at her frosted blonde hair and her blue blue eyes and love her. I simply worshiped the ground she walked on.

She was my very first friend. My best friend. And when I later moved, she wrote long letters to me in her flower cursive. I would read the letters over and over and over again and I would rub my fingers over the part that said she loved me as though the words themselves were made out of silk.

It had been awhile since I had had friends as important as she was. Women friends. I sometimes catch glimpses in friendships I’ve developed with men, but they always seem so much more complicated than the one I had with my English teacher. Even though I was in love with her, you see, I never thought of actually fucking her. It wasn’t that I wasn’t attracted to her. It was just that our relationship was so much deeper than a physical relationship. I wanted to crawl up inside of her and just stay there forever - I didn’t want to actually kiss her or have some physical relationship with her or anything. I wanted to be near her. And I envied her children because they got to be tucked into bed each night by her - and kissed awake by her in the morning. I would often wonder if they knew how lucky they were.

I quit the gym the other day. I just couldn’t take it anymore and it was clear to me that they just had other ideas about me - and how to run the place that didn’t go along with what I thought. It’s a rather long, complicated story that right about now (at 3:14AM in the morning) doesn’t seem to matter that much. But I went back to the gym this afternoon so that they could kiss my little ass. Afterwards I worked out a bit - and talked to the ladies there, reassuring them that I would know if they were working out and to not use my leaving as an excuse to get all out of shape and weak again. Little ladies just grabbed me and held onto me and squeezed my cheeks and told me how wonderful I was. Other women slipped me their business cards and told me to call them if I needed anything. Other women called me and asked me how I was and if they (the management) had mistreated me. Still others called me up and invited me to bar-be-ques that would be held in my honor. I received letters and note cards and little gift certificates from women who just wanted to tell me how lovely I was and how much I had helped them while I was there. They urged me to keep in touch with them and to let them know if I was going to be in the area and we “could do lunch” and just “catch up.”

So I have this fascination with girls. And women. I like looking at them - but they have to be a certain type. I don’t think anything turns me on more than self confidence, tenderness and . . . brilliance. I don’t entertain fantasies of fucking women. I know that people find that hard to believe - or I should say - I know that men find that hard to believe - but there it is. I don’t. I don’t get off on watching women fuck each other, either. I’ll watch - but I can’t ever sit there and masturbate - I just watch like I watch Hell’s Kitchen. It’s entertaining and a bit mystifying, really. But I could totally have a relationship with a girl. I would even sleep with a girl IF there was some sort of spiritual bond or something. It wouldn’t be about sex - but more like wanting to climb inside of her soul - and realizing that maybe if I placed my tongue on the most intimate of her parts I just might get there quicker.

I don’t know what made me write this entry. Well, maybe it is because I know that by not working at the gym and working with the women I was working with I’m giving up quite a bit. There was a sort of . . . community that was so drama free it was scary. We had stuff that went on due to management stuff and an occasional tiff or whatever - but overall - we would just bond together. Talk about our lives - children - school - boyfriends - husbands - recipes -politics - the latest movie and the last book we read. I’m going to miss that tremendously. And even though I plan on working out there and joining another gym with a few other women - it still just feels slightly different and I’m a bit scared that I’ll lose that part of me that felt confident and competent and able to stand tall among other women. I’m afraid I’ll start thinking like so many other women I see - who doubt that that type of honest, true, and just really tender relationship can exist.

I got home from the gym not so long ago and I kicked my own ass. It’s strange… I thought that I didn’t really have the ability to push myself that hard with out having to prove something to my clients and by that I mean: I would push myself so that they would see that I wasn’t above sweating like a pig if things had to come to that. I knew that they were looking to me to do things - and I knew that I had to be some directional beam for them to follow and so I pushed myself for them. But ever since I quit my job (did I mention that I quit my job? Oh - I didn’t? Well, I quit my job. Long story and a rather boring one - but I quit the main job at the main gym I work at. I’m still teaching a few classes here and there at a nearby gym - but the main job has gone bye bye) I’ve been wondering if I could really push myself for ME.

Tonight I got my answer.

I put on my little pink shuffle and I got my ass to work. I worked so hard my arms ache right now. I worked so hard that my boobs were sweating. You know that not so attractive stream of sweat that kinda runs down a woman’s shirt when she’s working out … yeah. Matter of fact, I think the small of my back and the top of my ass was sweating too. I mean I kicked my own butt back and forth and around the gym. I did pushups galore - and then did crunches on the ball and then I just sat there on the yoga mat stretching and drinking my water thinking to myself … DAMN! I feel good!

I had never though of myself as having those little endorphin moments. I told others about it because as a trainer that’s my job to do. “Keep it up hon and those endorphs will start kicking in and you’ll have enough energy to do 30 more minutes … you can do it!!” Yeah - that was me. And God Save The Queen, I was right! I was on a physical high. I felt good and stronger and ready to take on anything and everything. My head was clear and I wasn’t tired and groggy anymore. All the tension and anger I had been feeling earlier was soaked up in the little white towel that hung around my neck. I felt fantabulous.

I guess not working at that gym and just working out there will be good for me after all. Thought it might be a little difficult, but turns out it felt just perfect.

Earlier today I had a little bit of an endorphin moment also. It wasn’t just the calls I was getting - and for the past few days I have gotten a good share of calls (with a significant amount of newer callers, too…) - it was the caliber of the calls that I was getting. It was as though every caller and I just “fit”. Sometimes after I say hi and the guy says hi there is this moment that I wonder if we’re going to “stick” or not. But 99 percent of my callers that I’ve had for the past few days have stuck like glue. It’s like we just get each other. After the first few calls I just got this burst of energy and excitement like this … yeah - like this endorphin high. I felt like I could talk all nite (and practically did) and I was just in my zone. It’s almost like I gave off this vibe and the people who thought it stank stayed far away (lol) and the people that thought it smelled pretty damn good came in closer for a bigger whiff. I’ll get to a few of the nice things I’ve heard in a minute… but before I do…

I wrote this note back to 2n’s the other day which was so full of things that I didn’t want to say - even though I didn’t write a word about them. It was as though my feelings had hidden messages to them and they were peeking out all through my email at him. And so he called. And the most amazing thing happened… he said, “We’re just gonna talk.” Now to be fair, 2n’s isn’t the first person to have said this to me - but what was so amazing about it is that he knew to do it because of the note I had written to him that was filled with all kinds of angst, I guess the right word would be. So he just wanted to see what was up. And boy did he get an ear full. The result of this phone call is - I realized - that I need to start being a bit more clear about my intentions - and about my expectations - and about my limits. I don’t necessarily need to run people over with it - but I do need to be clear about them myself and more than clear be happy and satisfied with my decisions so that I can clearly communicate them to friends, family, etc. So thanks, 2n’s. You really helped me - and you really assisted me in being able to continue getting to know you with out any of that old crap tainting our stuff. You were a great friend to me today when I needed one - and I won’t forget or take that for granted.

Every once in a while people ask for my advice. I never really know if this is just play time with a twist - or if they really wanna know what CeCe would do. Hmmmm. That’s kinda catchy… I could work on that a little, I think. *wink* Ok - so anyways - So I get a call from someone and we are talking and talking and I think that maybe I should start talking about sex sometime soon. I mean - I don’t mind talking to you guys - you know that - but I’m not going to suck up all your money and then when Ms. “you have one minute remaining” lady comes on ask you to put in some more money so we can talk about the best way to prepare tuna casserole. Unless that’s your thing, of course. So I kinda try to make a segway - but poor Mr. Vin says he isn’t really ready for all that. He tells me about this trip that he’s taken fairly recently and that he didn’t realize how beautiful 18 year olds in bikinis could be. (Silly Wabbit!). So I start to give him some advice. Even though he hasn’t asked me for any. But I know a cry for help when I see hear one. I told him about all the things that little 18 year olds love about men in their 40’s. I told him about all the things he has that impresses 18 year old girls - and how better to utilize these attributes for the best outcome. I dismissed him from class after he wrote on the chalk board that he was a “stud muffin and he had something 18 year old girls wanted” 100 times and then told him school was out. So thank you Mr. Vin for the exciting time in school. I hope you have been doing your homework. I haven’t forgotten that you will be doing a field trip in a few days - and should you need a refresher course … give me a call. I’d be happy to help a student in need out. Hehehe.

One more quick mention before I get to the sweet comments for the day…

My little Dave man. How ever did we meet - and what a great and important playful relationship we are developing. Did you hear my voice change a little when you gave me some “helpful advice”? I think it was because I’m always in a more dominant role with you - so to have you speak up and tell me what you needed (which you definitely SHOULD do by the way!!!) I instantly went into some sort of submissive mode and thought I had disappointed you or something. It took me a while to recover - (like 10 seconds … which seems like a long time when something like that happens!) but afterwards I was really glad that it happened. No relationship (even on the phone!) is easy - and it meant a lot to me (and definitely was worth a mention here!) that you said something to me and trusted me to take in your notes and adapt and make it good. Thank you so much for that important lesson. I mean that sincerely, ya know.

Ok - So this post got away from me a bit… but it’s been awhile since I gave little “shout outs”.

I only really have room for one quick feedback (even though the tons I have gotten lately have been equally important and made me just as happy! ) When I read this feedback I grinned so hard I thought my cheek muscles would break. It’s so him, too… just clever and surprised almost at what a great time he had! LoL! Are you ok yet, hon? This is what my sweet caller I. said after our call yesterday:

• Well, well, well.:) I rarely leave written feedback but I feel compelled. This girl is a gem. One thing that’s rare is the ability to describe things in detail, like clothes, shoes, etc., and she really great at it, not to mention flexible and playful. And the voice is exactly as advertised, if not even better. Pleasing, young, sweet, and, again so rarely, real, not like someone trying to fake a young voice or even worse some kind of voice changing phone. Many definite callbacks and stars.

LOL! Oh my gosh. It just makes me smile all over again. First of all I. you are sweet - plain and simple. 2nd - I’m obsessive about details. I notice everything and it pisses me off sometimes that I can’t write exactly what I see. It’s like there aren’t enough words sometimes to make it clear. So I’m glad that you appreciate that! Thank you so much for taking the time to leave feedback. It means a lot to me that you left feedback at all - but when I realized that you hardly ever do my head just got a little bit bigger! I’m looking forward to describing things and making you pleased again soon. Thanks for the great call.

Ok. 1 term paper later (this diary entry) and I’m going to wrap it on up. I will be working out tomorrow around 2:00PM - and am planning on going out for a bit tomorrow evening - so I’ll try to log in in between those times if I can. I’m also planning on going out on Saturday - as well as working out in the morning - so I’ll try to log on in between those engagements, too. I think I’m going to church on Sunday (hey - Sinners have souls, too!) to ask for forgiveness for all the things I plan on doing Friday and Saturday evening. But after that … I’ll be free until (looks on schedule) Monday, I think. Scary to not have much on my calendar. Going to have to change that el pronto.

Anyways … I’ll be around this weekend - hope to speak sometime during…