So the gray skies really cleared up. Literally and figuratively! California’s “winter” consists of rain – and boy did it pour. Over the past few days (um – probably about 4 days in a row) California has been dowsed in a heavy duty layer of wet. If I was the kind of kid who believed that rain was God’s tears – I would seriously start packing up and contracting a local carpenter to build an ark. I’m not exactly sure how much rain actually fell on us – but it was significant. Jackson, now 89 percent potty trained (LOL! I like the looks of that – 89 percent…), suffered from a few set backs. One day I brought him inside with a towel draped over his head and his furry body tucked inside of my sweat shirt – placed him down on the floor for about 2 seconds too long and he proceeded to unleash a stream equal to the streams that gushed in the street gutters outside. Had he not peed this stream on a visitor I would have been impressed. Picking him up in mid-stream only soaked me and his little body and by the time I placed him on his potty pad reserved for rainy days – he was pretty empty and just looked up at me like – “um … was that really necessary?” The thunderstorms – or flood – or God’s tears – meant that Jackson would have to be entertained inside. It also meant no walks – no freedom – no smelling the pee and poo of other dogs in the neighborhood. It basically meant jail – and from that moment forth, Jackson organized and led his own revolt against the establishment (me.) He chewed thru an important media hub, he made a hole in his play pen, he barked and growled at my computer screen – especially when my browser pointed towards Niteflirt. He found a way to unzip (I’m not lying) his little bed I bought for him at Petsmart months ago – reach in with his little snout – and pull out every bit of foam in that “puppy” and distribute it all over my office floor. Not at all sated, Jackson then spent the remaining part of his sentence humping everything in site. Pillows, stuffed toys, my shoes, and his blankets were no longer safe and probably all have to attend some serious counseling to get over the trauma of a little furry marshmallow jack-hammering away. I’m sure if there was a tin cup around – Jackson would have found a way to run it across the “bars” of his prison cell…he was so not happy.

Jackson was not the only one who was suffering though. I found myself slowly slipping into this dreary rain induced coma. I had lots of projects to do – lots of new ideas to implement – but I could not find the energy to break thru the huge amount of code hell that poured down relentlessly around me. Um – not around me – ON me. With each project I felt that there was more and more and still more to accomplish. I was rowing along not so gently down the stream and I wasn’t getting anywhere. It wasn’t the type of depression really that I sometimes drift into around certain days – it was more about being frustrated. Overwhelmed. Fed – up.
So I called on a few people to help me out – some who were experiencing their own weather-causing hell – and some who really had no idea what to do to help me because I was so drenched I couldn’t even effectively communicate what exactly I needed! The AGONY!

A few days passed – and a few patches of sunlight managed to make an appearance before the rain proceeded – but I had some relief. But then before any rainbow could appear, the rains would come again.

Then Monday happened. Not a cloud in the sky. Blue skies – smiling at me. Nothing but blue skies. I don’t know what changed besides the weather – but I felt just the tiniest bit of … hope. I sat down – I discussed what I needed with SBJ, Tiffers, and Doc. I googled till I couldn’t google any more – and then I did something that amazes even me. I fuckin did it. Fuckin’ is so necessary right now. I downloaded the fuckin plug in – I uploaded the fuckin plug in – I read the directions backwards and forwards – promised endless blowjobs to Doc if he could help me figure out what the hell I was doing wrong to cause the damn fuckin thing to not load – and together we did it. We absolutely did it. I did it. It was my last minute ditch attempt to find a work around to something that hopefully eventually will be better – but for now it looks pretty damn good to me. This morning I woke up – ok, ok, ok – this AFTERNOON I woke up (I went to bed at 7:00AM – installing that fuckin plug in and talking to my callers in between – thank you ALL!!!) and sat down and started again. I found the damn RSS feed – though I am afraid to even mention it out of fear I’ll lose it again!, I found a website where I can upload my podcasts and where they will give my podcasts meaning (rss feeds, etc.), I uploaded and linked my voice samples to my listings (I maybe should have done 1 individual one per listing – but for now it’s set up as a play list – each time you push play it will cycle thru 3 voice samples… ), I worked out in between my accomplishments – took some more calls – redeemed 2 gift certificates for lovely presents on my wish list, received a pretty fricken terrific tribute from SBJ along with 3 cds (Free To Be You And Me, Carole King’s Tapestries, Carole King’s Greatest Hits), a dvd of FTBYAM, a book (FTBYAM), and a packet of about the loveliest pens EVER!, Vday chocolates and candy from Doc (he just knew I needed sustenance to continue on my hell-acious journey!) and several dozen calls from Tiffy (resulting in orgasmic bliss) to power me along. I realized as I jumped over hurdle after hurdle (once I got momentum that is) that I was actually now having a little bit of fun.

So I’m good. I have miraculously (well – thru drive, tears, sweat and many long pm’s and emails from my support staff – lol!) installed a plug in that will allow you all to listen to my podcasts – right here on the diary. I have also signed up for half a dozen pod communities where my show – YTWD – Come Dream With Me – will air proud and strong every Monday – starting Wednesday (lmfao) January 30, 2008. I did purchase the domain: YTWD Radio, which is still in the works. Eventually that will be the home for my podcast – but it is no longer detrimental/crucial. It will happen when it happens…

I will post the podcast to this very post after I have completely edited it. It’s running a bit long at the moment – but it might be due to the fact that I had to use 5 minutes to explain a whole lot about NF – not everyone who hears it will be a customer of mine – but here’s hoping (with in reason and time restraints) that many will be. Thank you to EVERYONE for helping me endure this mighty huge hurdle. A lot of you shouldered a lot of my anger, frustration, tears and sweat and I’m so damned relieved that I have something to fuckin’ show for it! Thank you SBJ (for the books, mic, pens, cds, gifts, etc!), Tiffers (for the coding support, shoulder, ear, pm box, cheers of elation when I succeeded, and presents – you know the ones I’m referring to!), Doc (for the candy, chocolates, cds, reading the directions slowly and carefully and making suggestions even though I snapped at you plenty of times for giving them to me, and for finally stumbling on the message board/comments where we found the one who helped me the most. What is his name, again? And yeah – I know I owe you blow jobs and sex for the rest of my life.), and even Rolf who managed to call me from Spain for a few minutes and briefly listened while enduring food poisoning to my woes and tribulations. And thank you Mama Tee. Even though you push me endlessly to be more independent and rely a bit more on my own resources and reading comprehension – I never really understood (or appreciated) how that would be valuable to me at times like this – when life and other circumstances render you unable to be at my beck and call. I learned a lot – as painful as it was – and while there is still so much more to learn, I feel that I can handle it. I still need you, you know – but at least I have a great appreciation for the things you have done for me – and a greater appreciation for the things I can accomplish when I’m pushed to the limit. You’re still my bff and I love you.

So to everyone who helped me thru yet another CeCe drama… This podcast is for you.

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Thought I would quickly make a brief post updating everyone on updates, ytwd radio, my schedule for this week, and Jackson.
Come on – you didn’t seriously think I didn’t realize that most of you are wondering about Jackson, did you? I know who carries this blog and holds all of your affections in his little dirty paw!

First things first. It’s taking me awhile to figure out this whole podcast thingee. Seems the most simple part was figuring out audacity and adding tracks and actually talking. LOL. There is quite a bit more that I need to do – and it seems I completely didn’t take all of those other factors into account. I apologize. While I could just throw up a link here and have you listen as you did to the introduction – I really don’t like doing things like that. It doesn’t look the way I want it to – and the other alternatives would take more effort than I currently have the time to take. There is a bday celebration that is due to start in about 2 hours, and I have been spending this entire weekend on this project. CeCe needs to buy a card, purchase a present, and be part of the family for the evening. At least for a few hours. So … sorry that I broke my promise of the YTWD Radio jumping off on Monday. While it will jump off sometime soon, I hope, this monday is not the “sometime” I had originally planned on. My apologies.

Which brings me to my schedule. I usually try to log in on Mondays by 8:00PM. Due to the aforementioned bday Celebration I will be logging in later. Probably around 11:00PM – though I could show up a tad bit earlier. Count on me by 11:00PM and no one will be disappointed, okay?

At the risk of sounding really …. emotional (?) let me just end this post. I’m so disappointed that I couldn’t follow through on this project. Even though I know that eventually I’ll be able to deliver it to you – I still feel like I’ve made yet one more promise that I haven’t followed through on. I hate that I have become that kind of a person to ‘you’.

I will be on tonight and ready to work. Don’t worry – I’ll be in a much more upbeat mood. LOL. Just having one of those moments – and felt that expressing it here so I could let it go would be appropriate.

Oh – wait – Jack. He’s fine. His stitches are still in – he’s chewed through 2 things of value so far (and counting) and is currently napping at my feet looking all innocent and white (though he hasn’t had a bath since the operation and can’t until the stitches “dissolve”) and reminding me how lucky I am to have him. He’s brought a lot of joy to my life – which is really much more valuable than anything his teeth find to destroy. At least that’s what I keep trying to tell myself. *wink*

So Jackson had his surgery. I didn’t have a clue how emotionally exhausted I would be from the whole ordeal. I went to pick Jackson up around 4:00PM on Friday – he practically leaped out of the assistant’s arms into mine. I just pressed my cheek into his fur and inhaled. I just held him for 2 hours when I got home – and then we hopped into bed where we slept until around 10:00PM. I signed in for a minute or two – and then went back to bed. I caught a few customers – but not many. Today I went to the gym while Jackson slept – and then the rest of the day was spent yelling at him not to lick his balls – and feeding him small amounts of his kibble while praying for him to poop. He hasn’t yet. I don’t know if I should be worried. He seems to be – at the most part – the same Ole Jackson – minus a few friends. He even humped his stuffed doggy this evening for good measure. I have noticed he is a bit more clingy – and a bit more eager to lay down and just chill – but when he’s “up” he’s running around, energetic, and as funny as he ever was.

I’m not sure if it was Jackson’s surgery and the stress associated with it that did it – or if it was just a little virus running around Southern California – but I got a tiny bit of laryngitis. As you recall I had a little gift that I was planning on giving – but I couldn’t quite get it out. While most of the people I spoke to in the last few days have complimented me on my husky smoker voice – it’s frustrating when trying to speak on calls – and I certainly didn’t want to record anything – not saying that was part of the surprise or anything – but … you know, if I had wanted to actually record anything I wouldn’t be able to because my voice was just not there. It comes and goes and it really doesn’t hurt even though it must sound like it does. Instead of fighting it – I just decided to chill out and spend a little extra time with Jack – and a little extra time sleeping and healing myself, hoping that Jackson would do the same and his little body would return back to normal as quickly and painlessly as possible.

I had no idea that owning a dog would be this emotional, rewarding, frightening, expensive … basically had no idea that it would be life changing. I suddenly feel like taking my parents out to breakfast in the morning and paying for it, even. I should write my mother a lovely letter – that she can frame – and apologize for all the times I gave her heart attacks and didn’t appreciate the sacrifices she made so that I could have a good life, ya know? I don’t know how people do it. I don’t know how older mature people do it – or even the few people I know that had kids when they were younger than I am. I have much respect for them – regardless of whether or not they have all the money in the world – or need help from family, friends, or the government – parenthood is no joke.

So Jackson sleeps… and what am I going to do with my time here? Seems that most of the world is asleep right now but I’ll stay logged on for a bit in case anyone wants to play with a husky voiced braced teenager. I’m feeling pretty agreeable so you could easily take advantage of me. I’m not feeling very dominant, however – so if you’re looking for CBT I may not be the one to deliver it. (lol) – anything else though I’m game for.

Thanks to everyone who sent notes, messaged me, offered up little pieces of advice (the bitter apple worked PERFECTLY, SBJ!), kept me company and told me I wasn’t a bad parent while Jackson was under the knife (Tiffy) and took my mind and heart off of my troubles, cramps, and voice in other ways (Chris, Mike, Doc, Johnny, John, and my little addict – you know who you are! *grin*.) I really appreciate it and I owe you.

Have a great rest of the weekend, everyone. I’ll be on for a bit tonight – will be on for a little bit tomorrow morning/mid afternoon – and then for my normal shift of about 8-12 Sunday Evening. Look for me then!

It seems only yesterday… Jackson has now grown into quite the little man. His sexual appetite would give some of my customer’s a run for their money. The little Zebra Minx use to be his partner of choice – but soon she was replaced with an oversized dog that Jackson mounts every which way he possibly can. The other day Jackson was humping a pile of blankets – and just a few minutes ago I caught him eyeing my leg. I don’t want to give the impression that he’s a horn dog or anything that randy – but he is a feisty one. On top of his urge to hump everything that moves he also has the energy of a … 2 year old. The other day I opened up my little “room” to him. He came in after first going potty (Gooooooood Puppppppy!) and then proceeded to give the place a little look over. Everything to his satisfaction, he sat by my feet and went after the pig’s ear that makes me really consider becoming a vegetarian again. The little ear looks so sad – all pointy and hard and barbequed. Jackson lying down anywhere was a first. He usually goes goes goes until I put him to bed. It might appear that he’s slowing down somewhat and becoming a little bit of a young man (at least his budding hormones seem to indicate that) but I’ve been informed he will be very much a puppy for another year (at least.) But back to his testes. They need to go.

He hasn’t been “marking” inside as of yet – but he does spend about 30 minutes of his day of biting ankles, chasing his toys around the back yard, barking at the neighbors, eating pig ears and kibble and treats, and looking adorable – spraying every tree, shrub, bush and post in our yard. The vet told me 4-6 months, and after he graduated from Puppy School last Friday with honors (YAY JACKSON!!!!) I made the decision to go on and get it done. Friday morning I will take my almost 6 lb ball of white fluff to the vet where he will undergo surgery to remove 2 little balls. I am not sure I will be able to handle it. Jackson seems a bit oblivious to it all and hopefully he’ll stay that way and then quickly forget everything they do to him on Friday. *sigh* I’m a mess.

So anyways – I’m doing pretty good on my resolutions from yesterday. Still working on my “gift” but that should definitely be up and ready to go by the end of the evening. I logged in earlier this afternoon and was pleasantly surprised by my a lovely tongue bath, a naughty blackmail by my next door neighbor, a particularily kinky encounter with the Pastor in his office (tsk tsk!) and a few other naughty fantasies – too naughty to mention *wink*. I’m pretty free this January – classes aren’t going to be resuming until February for me – so I’ll try to set aside a few late morning/afternoons for you early risers. (!!) As a result of my taking calls this afternoon, though, I didn’t get to the gym until late – and didn’t run my errands until after that. I was 15 minutes late signing in this evening and so I kinda failed. Not totally failed – but sort of kinda failed on one of my “resolutions” I set yesterday. Hopefully though you all will forgive me and we can just count today as a successful CeCe followed through and actually did what she said she was going to do today day. How about it? Can I make a deal?

Talk with you later – still have work to do!!

Every morning Jackson and I run to the bathroom like our lives depend on it. I have to carry Jackson down from the loft – and then he goes outside to empty his bladder and I try not to watch and not so patiently wait my turn. This morning I thought it was like every other day. I grabbed Jackson out of his crate – and set him on my bed until I had sure footing to climb out of the loft. Jackson seemed to stretch a bit – and looked at me with this sort of far away look in his eye. I lifted him up and a stream of warm pee soaked my tank top and arm. Jackson just could not wait. So there I was – in the early freezing morning (it had to be about 50 degrees!) smelling of pee. I had to add cleaning the carpet, doing my laundry and giving Jackson a bath to my now hectic day.

Jackson also had many presents to wrap for his classmates. He figured he’d give them all a little Christmas present. And then Jackson while tugging on a pair of my socks started this sort of gagging and pawing at his face. I thought he was chocking and called my Dad over to help me pry open Jackson’s mouth. He was bleeding from the side of his mouth and making these noises that really freaked me out. A few minutes later one of Jackson’s teeth was in my hand. My baby’s first tooth. (aaaaaaah)

To say that my day has been extremely eventful would be an understatement.

I really need to run to classes now. I want to take Jack on a bit of a walk so that he’s a little more calm for Puppy School. I don’t know if it will work or not but in theory it seems to make sense.

I will try to write more this evening… and I will also be logging in later tonight – probably around 10PM or so PST. Hopefully we’ll get the chance to speak then!