I don’t blame you if you don’t. Yes, it’s me, CeCe, signing in after MANY months. And though I know it would entertain you to hear all the excuses I could muster up, I’m just gonna stick with the boring details: I was knee deep in Algebra. yup. I was in math hell for many months and just as soon as I could get my head above water, that’s when the bridge would break and I’d be over my head in mathematical problems all over again. I was barely logged in, and when I was I was often times distracted or called away from business to tackle yet another ruthless word problem. This is the time that you should all start playing violins for me. Thank you.

So now I have a month off from school and I have ever intention of catching up on some things around here. Things are starting (finally) to look up around here, and I am proud to have not given in to the panic that surrounded me. I guess the paid mails are even working fine as of late. See? Patience IS a virtue!

Some of you remembered my birthday and thank you, but I’ve stopped celebrating them. If you call me, you’ll notice that I’m 19 again. I figure it’s a good year, and that way no one has to wonder why a 20 somethin’ year old is still going under “teenwetdream”. It will be our little secret. I still have my braces on, so as far as I’m concerned, I still look like a teen, and well, I’m still fighting to keep myself well with in your dreams. Yeah, I’m still corny.

So this is really just a quick update. If I make it too long it will be another 2 months before I post it. It is Monday, the 28th of December, and I will be logging in around 8:00PM this evening (that’s California Pacific time) and staying logged in until I can’t keep my eyes open. You should call me and say hi, if you haven’t had the chance. I definitely look forward to reconnecting with some of you AND meeting new and kinky/interesting men, too! Thank you for your patience these past few months, not only with niteflirt’s issues, but with my school schedule and stuff. I’m back. I promise.

Even though I knew that I was going on vacation, I still did not have the time to adequately prepare myself to leave! I had a list of all kinds of things I would do: blog, write emails to some of my clients letting them know when I would return, putting up a few recorded stories I had done to keep you all occupied while I was away, etc. etc. But as the day approached, I found more and more things to do that had to do with being gone for 8 days. Things like - finding a pet sitter for Jack, and packing enough clothes for unpredictable MN weather, and trying to finish my English class assignments. Things were piling up on me and I ran out of time to do the few things I thought of doing here on this blog. So please forgive me. Life just got a bit too full for me.

But I’m back now. Well rested - and starting a new fall semester of college! I am so excited! I have a Journalism class I’ll be taking, and I’m taking a foreign language because some of the colleges I want to transfer to require it, and then I’m taking Algebra. I will definitely be taking a math class every semester for the next year and then hopefully I will have enough math to fill my requirement. I’m hoping. So now that my fall semester is figured out, I have the following weeks to spend with you, doing all those things I promised I’d do, but ran out of time. I won’t list them all here as I don’t currently trust myself to complete them yet. I use to really love writing lists - long lists - of about 100 things I wanted to do and then post them here for the world to see. But failing at completing the list became a bit much. It’s kinda like setting yourself up to fail a little bit. I have a tentative list right here beside me of the things I’d like to do today. I’ll let you know how I do at the end of the day, how about that.

FOr now - one of the things I’m completing is - writing in this blog. I’ve neglected it for a bit, and I also lost a little direction in regards to what I wanted to write about. I’m forever doubting what I’m doing here on this blog — I need to just quit it already and resign myself to the fact that I am a writer - and my blogs are going to be a bit different than the blogs that other girls do. I’m introspective and touchy feel-y and I rarely talk about things that include the words pussy, cock, and cum. I figure *for me* that it’s just a cheap way to go. I’d rather work a bit more at my entries - and leave the easier playful things for our calls - if that’s what you want. Or a recording. Or a story. This blog is my little “get to know me more intimately” measure. I dunno. It’s not as confusing as it needs to be though - so I’m going to stop making an issue of it. We all know how I write by now … so … um … get over it and move on. So yeah - I was saying - I’m writing in my blog! (checks it off her list) Yay, CeCe! I know. You’re waiting for it, aren’t you? the promises to write more. The something that I put in writing that you can remind me of when I fail to do once again (haha). It’s not going to happen. This is the new CeCe. I have a goal in mind - I’ll let you know when I’ve reached it.

So I was on vacation. I was on vacation that I hadn’t even really planned on. I knew I was going, but I hadn’t made “a plan” - I just knew it had to happen so I packed and I went for it. And you know, I’m glad I didn’t plan for it. Of course, it would have been better if I would have had a bit more money saved up for the thing, and it would have been MUCH better had I made arrangements to let everyone here know I was going, etc. etc. but one thing I’ve noticed about myself is that the more I think about doing something, the less I do it. I just have to DO it and stop making plans to do it or writing lists to do it and blah blah blah. Sometimes my fixating on certain aspects makes me less active in actually doing the thing. Like Nike, right? So I just did vacation. I went to MN to visit my family I haven’t seen in a long time, and I basked in the sunshine and absorbed the green that only MN can give you. I know there are “green” places all over - but MN has a kind of lush green that no other place has. When you’re in Minnesota, you can practically hear the color green. You can taste the color green. Green sinks into your soul and makes everything mellow and safe and almost dream like. Had it not been for my assignments I still needed to get in, I would have risked being eaten alive by mosquitos and just rowed out into the middle of the lake with a great book and napped and read, dreaming of a few of you taking shifts to sit next to me for a bit and feed me grapes and cheddar cheese or something. !

When I lived in Minnesota, I thought that California was the greener side of the fence. When I moved to California, I did not notice, at first, the sprinklers working over time because rain doesn’t love California the way it loves Minnesota. I trained my tongue to flirt over my o’s and adopted a sort of “tv valley girl” speech - something more sophisticated than the mid west lilt I grew up with. I forced myself to think of myself as a city girl, pretended that skim milk was better than whole and that spending 100 bucks on a dress was sensible, even when a pretty one from old navy would do just fine. I taught myself to look at the yellow brown green and identify it with summer, trained my nose to take in the ocean as a suitable substitute for ten thousand lakes, said soda instead of pop. But ya know what? Flying into MN at 6:00 in the morning with barely enough sunlight to make out the squares of farms and the ink blots of lake after lake after lake can’t hide the green from your eyes. The green rises up to meet you. Beckons you to come in for a landing. Paves the way to pastures overflowing with life that will melt on your tongue. Minnesota is that greener side of the fence. I’m sure of it.

So I’m thinking…I’d like to be that “greener side of the fence” for you. I’d like to be that one thing that fills up your senses, makes you know you’re undoubtedly talking to CeCe. I’d like to be the one who rains down on you just a little bit more frequently and is just a bit more taste-y, a bit more wholesome, a bit more fresh than anything else you’ve experienced. If I can do that during a call or two, I will be happy. You can have that one impromptu vacation day contained in how ever many minutes you have. Escape. Play. Dream with me. You’ll be glad you did!

Driving to the location of the castle took far less time than I had anticipated. Carrying only my book bag and computer bag (I would go back to my car to pick up my overnight bag) I walked towards the door where the doorman eagerly opened up the door for me. I couldn’t help the smile that came over my face. I know in NYC doormen are common - but in Los Angeles, or at least where I hang out, doormen are as common as carpoolers. I walked through the door, laughing at the automatic doors that slid open grandly. If you listened closely you could hear Bach’s Fugue playing in the background. Teasing. But it was dramatic. To the front desk I announced who I was - a few clicks of the computer and the studious, business face turned into a welcoming host. “Miss CeCe” he said smiling, and “Welcome…” With the key in my hand I walked to the elevators, growing a bit dizzy from the carpet pattern, slight cigar smoke drifting through the halls from the patio across from the bar, and pure excitement.

“Are you going up?” A kind older gentleman asked me from a elevator.

“Sure!” I said - lightly jogging to the doors, my computer bag thumping gently against my thighs.

“Floor?”

“Um - 5th, please.”

He pushed the button next to his 4 and the doors gently closed. I didn’t know what kind of room would greet me when I stepped off the elevator. Holding my card that would be the key I walked towards my room and stuck the card in the little slot. A red light blinked back at me and I jiggled the handle of the door. Turning the card over I tried again. Several times I wiggled and jiggled that card in the slot before finally glancing again at the door number. Walking down the corridor I tried again. Green light. Entrance was granted. Hopefully I didn’t freak out the person in the other room too badly. I hurried through the door of my room just in case.

(Read on …)

Mike, Karl, Dan, DocBen, Tiffy, Mack — and suddenly I started to wake up a little bit. not wake up like eyes open wide awake wakey wakey - but more like this thing inside of me woke up. The - “I need a plan” thing inside of me woke up. And while Tiffy was still sticky, I started to talk about Ohio State. Why? Because Ohio State happens to have a fricken hell of a writing program - one of the few colleges, actually, that offers a graduate school for creative writers to get their MASTERS. Mmhm. And they also have fricken awesome workshops held in the summer. And the college happens to be in a place that may actually be affordable in a few years. Sure, it’s Ohio, but I’ve lived in worse places (says quick apology to anyone living in Ohio). My Philosophy teacher is making my ears practically bleed talking about Berkeley. He asked me the other day if my GPA was a 3.0 (um - hello. Is my GPA a 3.0? Even with my earlier issues my GPA is well above a 3.0 thank you very much!) and if I would be interested in Berkley. “Apply for 5 schools” he told me. Ok. “Apply for more scholarships - you shouldn’t be paying anything for your education.” Okay - I still have to figure out some sort of a life so that I can fill out the application for the scholarships! Make a new plan, Sam. I swear I’ve said that before on here.

Even though I’ve continued going to school - and have managed 3 semesters with straight A’s — I need to step it up a little bit more and push myself just a little bit harder. I really don’t think that my philosophy teacher understands how unsatisfying a B is in PHILOSOPHY. I mean - seriously, dude. B’s are so not even last year for me. He thinks that 10 hours per paper is what is needed in order to squeeze an A out of him. I’m about to find 10 more hours to dedicate towards thinking and thinking and being confused which is basically, as I see it, the life of a philosopher. Move over How I Met Your Mother and make way for Hannah Arendt’s The Life of the Mind.

My friend recently alerted me to the fact that I don’t write about anything other than school, sleep, work, and my dog. I’m well aware that people my age should be out partying and having fun and living it up, etc., but as my callers know - I’m not typical. I don’t even pretend to be. I’m this ultra sensitive chick, that happens to enjoy listening to men cum, enjoys a great orgasm and some kinky age related, feminization, exchange of power, etc. play, loves a great book, a cool movie, and some sticky sweet soundtracks from some sickly sweet movie. I’m the girl who wears glasses, still has braces, adores Build A Bear Workshop, and still gets teary during the last chorus of Danny’s Song. The harmony is some of the best harmony ever, don’t front. You’ll get teary, too! I don’t care how that makes me look - it happens to be the truth! So sorry - I don’t have time to be typical right now. I have a plan. I gotta finish what I need to do — move on to a 4 year college - get done with what I need to do - and then go on to get my masters at a good graduate school. And time is a ticking. So what does this mean for you? You’ll be reading a little bit more because …well, I need to write more. I’ll probably be starting a new blog or at least adding a section to this blog for some of my extra writing things, AND - I’ll be heading back to work with my eye on the prize so to speak. No more time for moping this week, boys and girls. CeCe is on a mission!

My-Aunt-the-pharmacy has prescribed some heavy duty medicine for me the past few days to aid me with my sleeping issues - but I think I’m ready to try with out the aid. I’ll see ya tomorrow sometime. Until then … wish me luck. Keep me focused if you can. And if you aren’t able to do that, at least provide me with a great escape for as long as you are able (it will fuel my creativity, honest. )

Math has always been a bit difficult for me. I get to a certain place in math, and my anxiety takes over. So this year I’ve been really prepared, and go into class on hyper focus. I’m determined to get this math phobia behind me.

So determined am I, that I completely submerged myself in math this semester. I took my regular 5 credit math class, but in addition to that I also signed up for a Math Counseling Class to help me get rid of my math anxiety, and then signed up for a 2 credit class with a math tutor 3-4 hours every week. That’s just Math class. I do have other subjects I’m taking.

My Math Professor is really a great guy. He has this white, white beard and he wears these sandles that make him look like a cross between Jesus Christ himself and a hippy. He’s a gentle, sweet, kind older man who I immediately equate to a grandfather. He does math in his sleep, I think, and he’s always showing us shortcuts that make things even more difficult in the end, but I love him for trying.

My math class is filled with people who have math phobias, are unfamiliar with math, or just don’t give a flying fuck and feel that math is useless. I compete with the students who just don’t give a fuck every day it seems. They don’t even feign interest - they turn around in their chairs and start talking in outside voices (lol) and completely ignore our professor. I’ve played this type of musical chairs for 3 weeks now - attempting to find a spot in that classroom that will allow me to focus on what the teacher is saying. I have not been successful. Finally, I found a spot that seemed like it could work and settled in. For the first few days all was well - but towards the geometry portion of the math, the volume (and anxiety) started to rise. Exasperated, I finally turned around and said “Shhhh! Damn!!!!” to one girl in particular that was just out of control. Honestly. Talking and talking and getting louder as the teacher’s volume would rise. My sudden explosion seemed to work for minute, but then got louder as if to torment me further. I raised my hand - but by this time the professor had his back to the class and was too busy probably wishing he was anywhere but there. When the class finally dispersed the ring leader chick said to me, “Next time, don’t sit near us.” I said back to her with out pause, “Next time, don’t speak when the professor is speaking!” “Make me!” she countered with the maturity of a 5 year old. Stunned I stared back at her. “Stupid bitch…” she added as she practically ran out of the door.

I quickly told my grandfather hippy Jesus what the girl said to me, and he made a point to say something to the entire class the next day - but that didn’t seem to make me feel any better. And it may be the fact that I like to have people like me…a lot … but - I’ve been thinking to offer her an olive branch.

I’ve been on the other side of this equation. I’ve done things that make me not like myself at all. And I’ve secretly wished that someone would make it easy/easier for me to apologize - or make things right again. Feeling ashamed is really a shitty thing to feel. So I’ve been thinking honestly of just going over to her on Monday and saying that I’m sorry for “shhhhing” her like she was a child or something. I can honestly say I’m sorry for that. And I’d also like to tell her that I’d like to start over - and at least be amicable towards one another. Not that I need to be nice to her, but I think that she may need someone to be nice to her with out an invite, you know? I’d like to help her save face - at least with herself. Of course it could all backfire - but I’m prepared to shrug my shoulders, leave my branch on the desk in front of her (should she change her mind) and go on about my business. Dan says that that is sexy somehow. I think it’s just a little bit of a pay forward after a horribly difficult week. I don’t know if it will come back to me at all - but I’ll be able to sleep a little better knowing I took responsibility for my part of the problem. And from what I’m learning about math so far, understanding the problem and putting it into words that can be solved - is half the problem and in my professor’s eyes, worth at least half a point.

I’ll update later with my schedule. I’m on line for an hour and then I gotta try to get some rest. Will see you tomorrow….