I have this really interesting relationship with music … for those who have read me often you know my music tastes span from Bach & Beethoven & Clementi to Prince, Kanye West, Tori Amos, and most recently Charlotte Martin. There is a song on her Stromata album called “The Dance”. The chorus … oh my god. It has to be one of the prettiest things I’ve heard in a long time. The rhythm is intricate, interesting, haunting and poignant. Her voice sounds similar to Tori Amos which is a big huge plus for me, too. So yeah … I’m totally into Charlotte lately. I dig her. If you enjoy chick music (eyes Tiffy with a wink) you may really enjoy her, too.

So this post is going to be to the accompaniment of Charlotte Martin. Think Chick music with a certain depressing/yearning note and you’ll get the affect. *wink*.

I realize that I have written some pretty interesting and “deep” posts lately - and not that I need to explain anything in my blog to anyone …. I’d like to.

I’m a writer… I write all the time with and with out paper and pen. I write in my head - gathering up little bits of information that may come out in a story, role play, poem, journal entry, etc. I write on little pieces of paper while listening to lectures during school, or while waiting in line at the grocery store, or sitting in the really comfy chair with Jackson in my lap after breakfast. I’ve always written. When I’m not writing I’m buying things to write with or buying things to write on. Writing makes me feel … relief. Writing makes me feel better and sometimes (lately) it makes me feel slightly worse… I am a writer and I’m one of the most frustrating kinds of writers, I think. I’m not well organized in how I write and I know my punctuation leaves much to be desired. I’m also an emotional writer - which means (as you probably have guessed) I either write when I’m on some rant fest, or when I’m in love, or when I’m frustrated or sad or one of the other 50 or so emotionally charged feelings that cause me to write in here. I can be either very funny or extremely depressing, I can write and inspire you or write and completely frustrate the ever living hell out of you. I can write things that will make you want to know me better, or I could write something that could cut you to the core…leaving nothing unexposed and laying all your shit bare (tyt). I can use my words as little tiny daggers aimed directly at the most sensitive part of your soul and I can use words as soft delicate caresses - snake charming explosive orgasms from your body.

Writing - is how I dance. And the things that I write here … though some may see it as a sort of marketing genius - is really just an invitation to “you” to dance with me. It may not be the type of dance you are looking for all the time - but it will be a dance that is intimate. You WILL get to know me while dancing with me - or by reading what I write. You may not always like what I have to say, hell, sometimes I don’t like what I have to say, either! But you will get to know who I am … and if you just hang in there for a little bit you’ll get to the place where I make you laugh again, or give you a shiver down your spine from some delicate verbal caress I throw out onto the page. You may even hold some of the more intimate “CeCe-isms” hostage and unleash them during a call with me…making our time even that much more connected. If you want. It’s up to you.

I know that my “job” is often an escape from the real world … and sometimes I feel a certain amount of pressure to be that type of an escape for you all. I know that you have a wife that is telling you how she feels all the time maybe - or that demanding girlfriend who is always so caught up in her feelings and blah blah blah. Maybe you’d prefer to have a girl to sit back and drink beer with - trouble free - just another one of the guys…with tits. Maybe getting to know me is just a little too much information … a little too real when all you really wanted was a convenient 15 minute fantasy; a break from your own reality. I get it. I don’t blame you. Truth is … I’m that girl that you can sit back and drink a beer with. I’m that girl that can give you 15 minute breaks from reality. But I’m also pretty damn complex (or at least I’d like to think I am…). I’m “flighty” at times, a little demanding, spoiled, egotistical, self-loathing at times, hyper, imaginative, stubborn, sensitive, pensive, shy, eager… and a dancer. I like to dance. I live for that type of connection. That’s just who I am.

I’ll be dancing tonight from 9:00PM - 1:00AM.

Sometimes I crawl into my mother’s lap and I just snuggle in there … knowing I’m way too big to be carrying on this way - but enjoying the lap experience even so. A man I’m seeing (lol! That sounds so much better than the reality so let’s just go with the fantasy, k?) says that I’m kinda searching for the parent I didn’t quite get, but I really hate that typical therapeutic bullshit. It reminds me of the other day when I was watching some Oprah show about (what else?!) dieting and weight loss/food plans/ etc. I find these shows absolutely ADDICTING. I always wanna just see the after the life change people when they walk onto the stage next to their fat former selves. So anyway - I’m watching this show impatiently (of course) cuz I just wanna get to the end (don’t act surprised!). Here is this guy who is like … 500 somethin pounds. I’m not kidding. And he says something like um “I use food for love” - and I lost it. I absolutely lost it. As far as I’m concerned, people watch too much of this psychological bullshit babble. Too many wanna be “Doctors” say some key things that in theory are pretty damn true (Food is an addiction - people who are overweight often use food to self medicate…) and I just think that often times people drink up that stuff like another Frosty from Wendy’s. Slurp Slurp Slurp. Now let’s repeat what we just drank in. Oh yeah … I’m fat because food is a drug. I’m fat because my mommy didn’t love me and I turned to food. I’m fat because gas is almost 5.00/gal. I hate hearing what people think people want to hear. We all know how food isn’t love anymore - but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re sitting on the Oprah stage at 500 plus pounds dying of obesity. Knowing that “love is food to me” does not cure anyone of their addiction. So where is the connection, you know? Could the connection be that isolating and eating is an easy cure for anxiety and loneliness - and risking rejection or whatever is more difficult so a person who struggles with weight picks the “easy” choice with the predictable result? That feels more “real” to me than spouting off some psychological babble bullshit. Sorry - rant over. Wait - let me just tie it back to what I was saying: So when the man I am seeing gives me some of that psychological babble bullshit after I’m telling him something that REALLY has the issue I want to talk about - it upsets me. Yeah yeah yeah - dysfunctional, co-dependent, unhealthy. LOL. Can we have some new terms, here?

I’m not sure if this impatience is a new thing to me, by the way, or something that was always here but just a hidden side of me. It can be pretty entertaining at times, but I realize it can also come off as particularly cold and heartless. Bitchy-like. I’m seriously a sweetheart. Most of the time. I think.

Back to my mom … I was sitting in her lap - smelling a spot on her shirt that reminded me of raspberry sorbet or somethin’ - and I was telling her how I don’t have any time. Her response to me? “CeCe - you were saying this when you were 8 years old. ‘But Mom’ - you said to me, ‘I want to do everything NOW because who knows if tomorrow I will still have the time!!!’ ” Yeah. 8 years old. Amazing ain’t it? I was an emotional wreck even as a young child. *takes a bow*

So today I ran around like I had a rocket up my ass. No it’s not the drugs - and no I can’t sell you any. I don’t think. I went to the gym and worked out with my ex boss for an hour - then we went shopping to pick up a “few” groceries. Yeah right. We went to CostCo. You can not pick up a “few” of anything there. Costco is love - and I am certain I have substituted Cosco for love. There, I said it, Dr. Oz. So - we go to Costco - then I fill up my prescription - and then I go back to my friend’s house and jump in her pool to cool off for a few - then I remember I have to take my groceries home too - so we go back to my house. Then we pick up Jackson who got an impromptu hair cut from a friend who is staying at our house (she has too MUCH time on her side… she’s not a groomer and Jack looks a fricken hot mess…) and we continue to go for an hour walk (11,024 steps today!!) and then I realize that I have done absolutely nothing today for myself really - like no alone time, you know how that is, right? And I started to get REALLY cranky/bitchy/pouty/passive aggressive. Danger zone. Seriously. And what is it that makes me so damn cranky?

I look at that damn clock and I think to myself - I need about 10 more hours in a day. I need time to sift everything back into my life. I’m convinced that I could possibly make it all fit. Maybe. If I tried. Hard enough. I start to feel cheated - then I start to panic because there is SO much I want to do… so much … and there is this limit on my life called a “day” which has this annoying thing in it called “hours” which are limited to 24 hours. Then my own mother gently reminds me (while laughing softly at my misery - just like a mom! lol!) that I have plenty of time and that people always feel this way - and that this is “life”. That I will do all the things that I want and more - if they are right for me to do… I’ll always want to do more and that is healthy. (??) So I guess I can stay with that for a moment. It’s 11:32 now and I logged in an hour before I thought I would be able to but an hour later than I had been shooting for. You get what I’m saying, right? But I am trying to take solace in the smaller victories here - and the things I am discovering and learning about myself. I’m granting myself an hour of totally useless Oprah Philosophy because hey … everybody needs a little time away (I heard her say…. *Extra points for the song reference, boys!*) and there will be time. For everything. Within reason.

I hope.

I watched the race the other day … horse race. I normally don’t watch but my family was talking about the possibility of history being made so I succumbed to the pressure and tuned in. The first thing I noticed was how absolutely gorgeous these horses were. The way they ran down the stretch - so close to one another and looking absolutely magnificent … wow. The second thing I noticed was how absolutely horribly Big Brown ran. As I was nursing my disappointment that evening, a friend of mine gently pushed my face towards the light. This horse had been abused, some would say, with drug injections, rigorous training, and will probably be put to stud and then who knows what else. His owners definitely don’t have his best interest in mind - but according to several articles I’ve been reading since then, his jockey DEFINITELY did. I’m not sure I’ll be watching many more horse races…and I so enjoyed the whole “Blue Velvet” movie I finally watched a few months ago.

This disappointment though - didn’t devastate me as much as the big disappointment a few days earlier.

Ok - so most of you probably did not hear but - I belong to a dance studio that had the absolute most amazing opportunity to work with a Choreographer from the hit television reality show (emphasis on REALITY) SYTYCD. Knowing that many of my readers probably have no desire to watch that show… or maybe some of you do (wiggles eyebrows up and down) … I will key you in on the big time disappointment I had this week: The show is absolutely not even realistic in regards to dancers. It is absolutely not the REAL deal and it does not bring honor or class to reality television. It is pretty much like American Idol. Paula, Randy and Simon suddenly become the only vehicle one can take in order to achieve stardom. Using this same fricken narcissistic attitude - Nigel, Mia, Hyena Mary Murphy, Debbie Allen, et al. are driving the only vehicle one can take in order to become true dancers. And I “know” one of those teachers - and actually looked up to her and felt her (sigh) God like in a way. To hear the amount of shit come out of her mouth tore me apart. I’m really not being dramatic here. It was not enjoyable at all.

So let’s just end there with my examples and get to the point: It appears that I have a sort of problem here. I have really high expectations - not for people mostly… though if I’m hurt I can definitely take my disappointment to a black/white/live/die sort of place… but I have high expectations for things/people that I am very excited about.

A while ago I heard some news that Julie Andrews was an absolute bitch to work for. I know - I don’t believe it either. But let’s just say it was true - and I happened to find out about it because I was hired through some great turn of luck to be her maid or something… (I’m serious - I would scrub Julie Andrews toilet and be happy about it… and not for the “against Niteflirt TOS” kind of reason). If I found out by working for J.A. that she was indeed a royal bitch I would be crushed. I’m not being dramatic. I would want to die. All this time I have thought of her as Maria Von Trapp - and wanted very badly for her to be my governess. I would not handle it well if I found out she was a bitch. Not well at all.

Oh - another example!! Oprah Winfrey. I really use to like that woman. She had (I thought) really great books - and I really enjoyed her mind. I didn’t have a brain crush on her really (I currently have one on Marilyn Milan from People’s Court… I really wish she was my mom. Don’t tell my mom I said that - but she just seems like she’d be way cool and we’d have a blast looking at boys and getting our nails done and shopping and stuff…) but I really did admire her. A lot. And lately she is just …becoming human, I suppose. Though I would like to really fight that by stating she is really quite self centered and doesn’t appear to be half as generous and selfless as she would like us to believe she is. Not that my opinion of her is going to really matter to her or not - but just trying to illustrate my issues with “hero worship” - I think that is what it is. I build things up - and people up so high that they have no choice but to fail miserably.

Now - I don’t do this with everyone - I don’t think it matters much if the person is a close friend of mine … or if the person is just an acquaintance. I think what matters is that I somehow have assigned this person/friend/event some huge expectation and sometimes they/it lives up to it - but more often - the reality of the moment/situation/person is never quite as good as my imagination/expectation created it to be.

I notice when people have some unrealistic feeling about me - but I’m not so good about letting go of my unrealistic attitude/feelings, you know?

Truth is - we’re all trying to figure this stuff out. Some of us get way in deep right away …. maybe drive the rest of you all crazy because we “think too much” or whatever. Maybe some of “you” drive “us” crazy by not ever really taking things as seriously as we would like - or not seeing the “bigger” picture or ruminating on things the way some of us live our lives doing. But the point is (yeah, I have one) we all are trying to figure it out in our own little ways. We all should be so lucky to have someone patient and understanding next to us. I know I have several people who can most definitely do that for me. I really really hope that I can start doing that for someone else.

For now - to whom it may apply: accept my apology. I expected it to be great - and became disappointed with “good”.

Oh - and to my “goods” - thank you so so so much for the gifts, notes, and emails. Thanks Mr.T for the gift certificate. you lifted up my spirits a hundred-fold.

Lists have become a way of life for me. I now color coordinate them. Blue for things that are sort of optional to do. Hot pink for urgent - needed to be done “like, yesterdayyy!” and green for it would be really cool if you could find a way to squeeze these things into your schedule, too.

Funny - I always made these elaborate lists before - but never ever had any success in clearing even half of the items off the list. Of course I had lists with 30 items on it to do sometimes - but even with my lists that didn’t have all that many items to accomplish - I found myself struggling. Things are definitely much better now. They aren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination (and I know that you all have great ones!), but it’s getting better. With every list I make I gain a little bit more confidence in myself that I’ll actually get things done. I didn’t realize before how hard it is on a person to continually make promises (resolutions, lists, business plans, budgets, goals) and then to continually break those promises; one after the other. For the first few days I would write lists and just beat myself up for not accomplishing everything on it. And then I realized that I felt “okay” if I just got a few things done…well not really okay - but I wasn’t devastated. I was disappointed but not suicidal - *laughing*. Soon - I was accomplishing even more on my list. Other times I would be sitting just doing the typical disassociation that happens around 2:00PM every afternoon for me (haha) and I would suddenly reach for my notebook that I keep my lists in to see if there was something on that list that I could accomplish while just “sitting around”. I realize that there needs to be time for relaxation, too - but what you all may not realize about your dear little CeCe is that - I find time to relax. I’m just usually so riddled with guilt that I can not enjoy the time I’ve set aside to relax. I have all these other things I need to do - and I relax my way into a movie in order to avoid those things … you know? As much as I love The Sound Of Music - it’s pretty damn difficult to sing The Lonely Goatherd when you know you have a Poli Sci Test in 6 hours that you have yet to study for. Or that you should have written to your best friend and thanked her for her thoughtful card, or that you should have rescheduled your ortho appointment or called to get your teeth cleaned so you could MAKE your ortho appointment and they wouldn’t yell at you for not having your teeth cleaned first.

Welcome to my mind. Unplugged. Scary, ain’t it?

Anyway, things are beginning to look a bit better. Things are a lot easier than they use to be, but I’m still trying to settle into this mode of thinking and being. My family is happy to report my temper has somewhat subsided (I know I know - hard to believe that I had a temper, right? But I had a HORRIBLY short one. I’m learning a bit to let a whole lot of extracurricular bullshit slide far away from my path and keep it going, ya know?) and even Jackson seems better behaved. I’m not quite out of the woods altogether - but I can at least see that things are pleasant out here in the wilderness.

I’ve put writing on my list and so far I’ve managed to either write in here, or in my journal (I’m working my way to being able to write 3 pages every morning… Julia Cameron, who wrote The Artist’s Way, calls them “morning pages”) every single day. I have also started to attend a writer’s group where we read our works out loud to a group of pretty damn good writers. I’m happily the baby of the group…trying to take in what everyone is doing and reeling in my excitement at being inspired to write again. I’ve shared on 2 of the evenings so far. The second night I attended I read some of my poetry (10 or so pieces), and at the 2nd meeting I shared the beginning of my screen play I had started last year but then went in another direction because I realized that maybe it made a better novel than a screen play. I have never written a novel before in my life. But I have plenty of books to tell me how to do it (like you all didn’t notice I collect books on writing!)! But as manic as I’m sounding right now - it’s not with fear that I write all of this. I don’t have the same sense of … anxiety when I think about the things I want to do - and the things I want to try. Before I guess I felt that maybe I would never let myself actually do them. I was worried that I wouldn’t have time; that I would put these things down on a list of things to do and that list of things to do would never get done. I would wake up the same way I do now … but instead of feeling euphoric about the choices I had and the many paths I could choose - realizing that any step I decided to take would be the right one, I instead felt this feeling of … anxiety (that’s too easy of a word), panic (still too easy), sadness (getting closer), dread. Yeah. Dread. blah, right?

**deep moment alert - skip over if you’d like to - read at your own risk**

So yeah - I’m finally getting to love this CeCe you all get the pleasure of seeing most of the time. *wink* I’m just getting to know her - I mostly keep myself company with the dark side of CeCe that many of you never get the chance of seeing. And you should all thank me for that during our next call together. Of course if you are the 2 or 3 that have seen this “side” of me along side the other CeCe (this is when I start feeling a bit like Sybil…talking about myself like I’m a dual person or something?) I suppose that would make the 2-3 of you actual true friends of mine. I should be thanking you, then for showing me how 2 of me can co-exist and create an okay kinda girl, right?

**End too deep moment - Curtain raises - lights go up**

Alright - I’m very much aware that I have a few surprise gifts that came in during the past week - and that I need to fully organize myself so that I don’t inadvertently miss someone. I also have been hanging onto a piano piece for quite a while… Karl (My directionally impaired slave (in training) ) sent me this sonatina book off my wish list a while ago, and I felt that it would be a treat to play something and upload it as part of my podcast. Well - it ended up being this huge practice session - complete with me cussing and screaming over hard passages - and saying “oops” a lot and laughing at myself. It’s pretty revealing and Ed was kicking my ass a bit more than usual and I didn’t get it “up”. I am still trying to decide if it’s just too much to reveal to post it. Seriously, I sound so absofrickenlutely adorable cussing and screaming while I make mistakes playing classical music. LOL! Fuck it - I’ll probably post it … let me see if it makes it to my list.

So podcast and thank yous I still need to “tie up”. Probably soon after Mommy’s Day. My son Jackson (the doggy) is going to be taking me out so … I don’t know when I’ll be back at the computer to upload anything. You understand I’m sure. *wink*

Look for me after 10:00PM tomorrow evening. I was on really super late this evening and had a long hypnosis call on my new listing. It took a lot out of me (whew - some of you all go a bit crazy/wild/kinky with those trigger words!!) so I signed off not soon after I ended the 60 minute call. I won’t be that late tomorrow - or today I guess - Saturday Evening. I’m not planning on going out or anything … so I can be on around 10:00PM PST - till kind of late I am thinking … unless we have church to attend to on Sunday (Someone has to pray for you all! *wink*). I’ll try to nonchalantly ask about it with out seeming too eager NOT to go if you know what I mean. There is an art to being a teen and getting out of responsibilities so you can play with your friends. It’s a very powerful gift/tool which requires much responsibility when using it. Sunday I will be logging in for a bit but not sure what time yet. Probably Evening … definitely evening… after 9:00PM I hope. We might be eating dinner later for some reason but I’ll try to stay on top of that and let you know of any changes. Notice I said “try”. yeah. I know my limitations

Gotta go. Much to do tomorrow and it’s already 3:28PM. Must….sleeeeeeeep….

Thanks for all of the comments, letters, sweet prezzies (cash) and extended calls just so you all could tell me you’re there and you get it - and you’re supporting me and will support me in any way you are able to. It was just what I needed/wanted most.

Oh - and since I made a promise about a certain movie collection on my wish list - SBJ - I adore you, love you and I’ll try to make this the first week where I’ve been able to write 3 times. We’re counting Sunday as part of this week, right?

“Where have you been, CeCe?”

“Oh - busy with school - trying to train Jackson, trying to get a handle on what I’ll be doing this summer - and well - trying to keep out of trouble.”

“Well - you must have been REALLY busy … usually even when you are busy you find time to update your blog…”

“Well there is just SO much to talk about I tend to get overwhelmed…”

“What is SO much, CeCe?”

“well - school, for one… ”

“Yeah - well - you got that under control don’t you?”

“Well, now that I can see…”

“Now that you can see?”

“Yeah - I’m kinda blind - got my eyes checked lately and now I have some mighty fine glasses coming to me that should help me be able to see better. I hope.”

“Well - yeah - surprised you weren’t getting any headaches!”

“Actually I was. I just didn’t let it bother me - too many other things to worr… ”

“So what else is there that is bothering you?”

“Well - let’s just leave it at I recently got a diagnosis… and it makes things a WHOLE lot clearer… it explains quite a bit about me…”

“Ok - that just sounds scary. You’re not dying or anything are you? You don’t have cancer or some other illness that is going to kill you ….”

“As tempting as that is to take off with and get plenty of sympathy for … no. I actually am feeling pretty well. I just have a condition that makes it hard for me to concentrate - stay on schedule - not procrastinate - and a few other things… no big deal but pretty big discovery. I mean - I had no idea. And now that I know I have to make some decisions and some plans on how to live my life a bit differently to allow for this … thing I have. I’d rather not get into the specifics of it … but it explains an awful lot about me and I’m looking forward to having my life improve now that I’ve had the diagnosis for it and am now receiving treatment for the … um … disorder, we’ll call it. Actually I’m going to call this thing I have “Ed”. ”

“Why Ed?”

“It just seems like an Ed. Short name - kinda doesn’t have time to be called EDWARD - just wants something quick and to the point. At first glance Ed seems like the guy next door - you know - a neighbor or whatever. But when you start talking to Ed you realize he has many layers and is pretty complex. That is - if you give Ed a second glance… ”

“Hmmm … I’m trying to follow you here. Are you doing some sort of analogy?”

“Not really an analogy - just a … well - ok. I guess I’m doing an analogy. But my disorder’s name is Ed. I’d just like to refer to it as something - give it a name, you know? An identity. Things are easier to figure out once they have a name attached to them. So let’s call this “thing” I have “Ed”. ”

“Ok - so Ed it is. How long did you and Ed - um - … ”

“Fuck?”

(laughing) “Ok - fuck. How long have you and Ed been fucking?”

“I guess my whole life. I never knew though. I thought it was something else. ”

“You didn’t know Ed was fucking you?”

“I had no idea… ”

“Then what….”

“I thought this whole time that I was fucking with myself…”

“Wow. That’s deep.”

“Yeah - it is… ”

“So now that you know Ed is fucking with you… Did you tell him to stop?”

“Well - it’s not that easy, turns out.”

“Really?”

“Well yeah. I just know now that someone - well ED is fucking me - but that doesn’t mean that now that I know he’s fucking me he will stop fucking me.”

“Well, did you ask him?”

“Sure I did.”

“And he didn’t stop?”

“No. He thinks I’m a pretty good fuck, turns out.”

“So what can you do?”

“Medicine.”

“Medicine… seems like that’s the answer to every problem on the face of the earth. Feeling blue? Here’s a pill. Feeling edgy? Here’s another pill. Need help not missing the pill you can no longer take? Here’s a pill for that… ”

“Who are you? Tom Cruise?”

“No seriously - I just think there is too much pill popping going on around here!”

“I tend to agree…”

“But?”

“But - I don’t know what to say. I’m taking a pill.”

“Is it working?”

“It takes the edge off…”

“Oh - well - so does coke. ”

“Yeah - seriously many people who have relationships with Ed find that Coke does a body good, too. I just happen to think the pill I take is a bit less habit forming than coke - and well, it also doesn’t carry with it a prison sentence if caught with it.”

“I am trying to understand… ”

“So am I… ”

“Will you be around - write about it… ”

“Ed.”

“Ok - write about Ed - get it out in the open - and then I don’t know, maybe do a podcast sometime soon?”

“Yeah. I’ll write about Ed. Sometimes it’s difficult writing about stuff like that. But I’ll write when I can in a way that is safe for me to do so… I do have some sort of reputation/image to uphold…”

“Fuck an image - most people have come to care about you and could care less about the image. You know that…”

“I know .. sometimes Ed just makes it appear as though … it’s one more thing that’s overwhelming…”

“Yeah - well Fuck Ed.”

“I’ll let him know you said so.”

“Take care CeCe…”

“Thanks… I will… ”

“Oh and Ed? Go easy on her … try some lube every now and again, would you?”

“That’s what the medicine is for, I think. Lube.”

“Oh - ok. makes sense. Love you CeCe…”

“Love you too.”