“I saw a book for you the other day.”

“I love books!”

“And you would have loved this one.”

I could practically hear the laughter in his voice. I became worried, but still asked,”What kind of book?”

“The Big Penis Book.”

I erupted into laughter. “What the hell?”

“Yeah. I felt a little inadequate even picking the book up.”

“You picked it up?”

“Yeah. Was kind of heavy. Of course I picked it up! It was begging me to pick it up.”

“So what was it? A book of ….”

“Big Penis’”

“You’re lying.”

“Nope. Actually I was thinking of buying it for you.”

“You made me choke just then.”

“Yeah well….”

“Stop it.”

“I don’t know where you would put it though…”

“Put what?”

“The book!” He said, sounding exasperated. “Focus, please.”

“How big is it?” Hopefully he realizes I’m talking about the book and not the items inside of the book.

“Oh, it’s pretty big. It kinda has to be to contain all the pictures of these large penis’” he said, not missing a beat.

“What is it? A coffee book table?”

“Yup.”

“Oh hell no!”

And so our conversation continued. Me growing curious about the big penis book and John Holmes becoming more and more uncomfortable discussing male anatomy by the minute.

A few weeks later I found myself in a Barnes and Noble Bookstore. I was in heaven in this particular Barnes and Noble. The store was about 4 stories high, and took up the whole corner of main street of the outside mall. Everywhere I looked there were people, books piled on their laps with the kind of ecstasy that only book lovers really understand. Where there were no chairs, people occupied corners and spread their good finds, starbuck coffee cups, and several hours too old pastries around them like a fortress. I have happy sighs for moments like these. Sometimes you’ll hear them after a satisfying orgasm, or if you’re lucky (?) enough to catch me sucking on some frozen pineapple tidbits. I. was. in. heaven. I settled in a chair on the 3rd level, close to the windows leading out to the patios that were of course filled to their capacity. I was close to the stairs, and occupied myself with watching people walking towards the various cashiers. Occasionally I would jot something down in my notebook – some observation or thought or something I wanted to write about later. My little notebook I carry around with me in my purse is a new thing I’m trying lately. It seems that I have these ideas and write things on napkins, church bulletins, or tell myself I’ll somehow remember. I never did. By the stair case there was a large wooden table with books displayed. Big books. Big coffee books that one might display to impress visitors. I never quite understood the need for such books. Once you saw all the pictures in them, didn’t the book just become one more thing to dust under? You had to really love the photography in the pictures to make room for such an obtrusive thing.

And then I saw it. The Big Penis Book. Displayed proudly on the landing of the 3rd floor. As people rounded the corner on their descent to the first floor you could practically hear the screeching of brakes. I noticed that the majority of the people who stopped and did a double take were men. They would walk by, looking over their shoulders carefully, and then look back at the penis book. If the coast was clear they would open the book quickly, flipping through the glossy pages of phallic delights, and then attempt to put the book back on the table with out anyone noticing. This last feat was difficult as the book was proudly displayed on an acrylic stand for all of humanity to see. Most of the lookie loos would place the book cover down on the table and walk away quickly. A few minutes later a clerk would come by to straighten up the table, pick up the book and place it back on the stand, and the cycle would begin again. From my vantage point it was easy to see the variety of men and women that stopped by the table. All shapes and sizes and colors, all turning various shades of embarrassment. I began to imagine what they must have been thinking as they opened up the book to see what defined “big”. I wondered if the men could be impressed slightly at the sheer magnitude of some of the penis’. I mean from the cover itself, the book looked like a Large Penis Extravaganza. There on the front of the Pepto Bismal pink book was a man donning only a pair of briefs, and his penis, somewhat flacid and reaching up to his belly button showing through the thin cotton material. I imagined the book to be the Dairy Queen of Pricks. Chocolate, Vanilla, Butterscotch Swirl…

Anyway — I don’t have the book. I’m satisfied to receive in my in box a P.P (Penis Pic) of the day. The buyer wishes to remain anonymous, not because he’s insecure about his own masculinity, but because copying pictures out of book violates some sort of copyright law I’m pretty sure, which also explains why I won’t be displaying any here. You can all breathe a sigh of relief.

Mike, Karl, Dan, DocBen, Tiffy, Mack — and suddenly I started to wake up a little bit. not wake up like eyes open wide awake wakey wakey – but more like this thing inside of me woke up. The – “I need a plan” thing inside of me woke up. And while Tiffy was still sticky, I started to talk about Ohio State. Why? Because Ohio State happens to have a fricken hell of a writing program – one of the few colleges, actually, that offers a graduate school for creative writers to get their MASTERS. Mmhm. And they also have fricken awesome workshops held in the summer. And the college happens to be in a place that may actually be affordable in a few years. Sure, it’s Ohio, but I’ve lived in worse places (says quick apology to anyone living in Ohio). My Philosophy teacher is making my ears practically bleed talking about Berkeley. He asked me the other day if my GPA was a 3.0 (um – hello. Is my GPA a 3.0? Even with my earlier issues my GPA is well above a 3.0 thank you very much!) and if I would be interested in Berkley. “Apply for 5 schools” he told me. Ok. “Apply for more scholarships – you shouldn’t be paying anything for your education.” Okay – I still have to figure out some sort of a life so that I can fill out the application for the scholarships! Make a new plan, Sam. I swear I’ve said that before on here.

Even though I’ve continued going to school – and have managed 3 semesters with straight A’s — I need to step it up a little bit more and push myself just a little bit harder. I really don’t think that my philosophy teacher understands how unsatisfying a B is in PHILOSOPHY. I mean – seriously, dude. B’s are so not even last year for me. He thinks that 10 hours per paper is what is needed in order to squeeze an A out of him. I’m about to find 10 more hours to dedicate towards thinking and thinking and being confused which is basically, as I see it, the life of a philosopher. Move over How I Met Your Mother and make way for Hannah Arendt’s The Life of the Mind.

My friend recently alerted me to the fact that I don’t write about anything other than school, sleep, work, and my dog. I’m well aware that people my age should be out partying and having fun and living it up, etc., but as my callers know – I’m not typical. I don’t even pretend to be. I’m this ultra sensitive chick, that happens to enjoy listening to men cum, enjoys a great orgasm and some kinky age related, feminization, exchange of power, etc. play, loves a great book, a cool movie, and some sticky sweet soundtracks from some sickly sweet movie. I’m the girl who wears glasses, still has braces, adores Build A Bear Workshop, and still gets teary during the last chorus of Danny’s Song. The harmony is some of the best harmony ever, don’t front. You’ll get teary, too! I don’t care how that makes me look – it happens to be the truth! So sorry – I don’t have time to be typical right now. I have a plan. I gotta finish what I need to do — move on to a 4 year college – get done with what I need to do – and then go on to get my masters at a good graduate school. And time is a ticking. So what does this mean for you? You’ll be reading a little bit more because …well, I need to write more. I’ll probably be starting a new blog or at least adding a section to this blog for some of my extra writing things, AND – I’ll be heading back to work with my eye on the prize so to speak. No more time for moping this week, boys and girls. CeCe is on a mission!

My-Aunt-the-pharmacy has prescribed some heavy duty medicine for me the past few days to aid me with my sleeping issues – but I think I’m ready to try with out the aid. I’ll see ya tomorrow sometime. Until then … wish me luck. Keep me focused if you can. And if you aren’t able to do that, at least provide me with a great escape for as long as you are able (it will fuel my creativity, honest. )

Math has always been a bit difficult for me. I get to a certain place in math, and my anxiety takes over. So this year I’ve been really prepared, and go into class on hyper focus. I’m determined to get this math phobia behind me.

So determined am I, that I completely submerged myself in math this semester. I took my regular 5 credit math class, but in addition to that I also signed up for a Math Counseling Class to help me get rid of my math anxiety, and then signed up for a 2 credit class with a math tutor 3-4 hours every week. That’s just Math class. I do have other subjects I’m taking.

My Math Professor is really a great guy. He has this white, white beard and he wears these sandles that make him look like a cross between Jesus Christ himself and a hippy. He’s a gentle, sweet, kind older man who I immediately equate to a grandfather. He does math in his sleep, I think, and he’s always showing us shortcuts that make things even more difficult in the end, but I love him for trying.

My math class is filled with people who have math phobias, are unfamiliar with math, or just don’t give a flying fuck and feel that math is useless. I compete with the students who just don’t give a fuck every day it seems. They don’t even feign interest – they turn around in their chairs and start talking in outside voices (lol) and completely ignore our professor. I’ve played this type of musical chairs for 3 weeks now – attempting to find a spot in that classroom that will allow me to focus on what the teacher is saying. I have not been successful. Finally, I found a spot that seemed like it could work and settled in. For the first few days all was well – but towards the geometry portion of the math, the volume (and anxiety) started to rise. Exasperated, I finally turned around and said “Shhhh! Damn!!!!” to one girl in particular that was just out of control. Honestly. Talking and talking and getting louder as the teacher’s volume would rise. My sudden explosion seemed to work for minute, but then got louder as if to torment me further. I raised my hand – but by this time the professor had his back to the class and was too busy probably wishing he was anywhere but there. When the class finally dispersed the ring leader chick said to me, “Next time, don’t sit near us.” I said back to her with out pause, “Next time, don’t speak when the professor is speaking!” “Make me!” she countered with the maturity of a 5 year old. Stunned I stared back at her. “Stupid bitch…” she added as she practically ran out of the door.

I quickly told my grandfather hippy Jesus what the girl said to me, and he made a point to say something to the entire class the next day – but that didn’t seem to make me feel any better. And it may be the fact that I like to have people like me…a lot … but – I’ve been thinking to offer her an olive branch.

I’ve been on the other side of this equation. I’ve done things that make me not like myself at all. And I’ve secretly wished that someone would make it easy/easier for me to apologize – or make things right again. Feeling ashamed is really a shitty thing to feel. So I’ve been thinking honestly of just going over to her on Monday and saying that I’m sorry for “shhhhing” her like she was a child or something. I can honestly say I’m sorry for that. And I’d also like to tell her that I’d like to start over – and at least be amicable towards one another. Not that I need to be nice to her, but I think that she may need someone to be nice to her with out an invite, you know? I’d like to help her save face – at least with herself. Of course it could all backfire – but I’m prepared to shrug my shoulders, leave my branch on the desk in front of her (should she change her mind) and go on about my business. Dan says that that is sexy somehow. I think it’s just a little bit of a pay forward after a horribly difficult week. I don’t know if it will come back to me at all – but I’ll be able to sleep a little better knowing I took responsibility for my part of the problem. And from what I’m learning about math so far, understanding the problem and putting it into words that can be solved – is half the problem and in my professor’s eyes, worth at least half a point.

I’ll update later with my schedule. I’m on line for an hour and then I gotta try to get some rest. Will see you tomorrow….

I am SO sorry for my lack of updates. It’s been busy over here and honestly, if I make it to the gym and get my math homework done (did I mention I got yet another 100 percent on my latest math test? yup. I rule!) and somewhat manage to make sense of my philosophy reading (I can read stuff 10 times and still wonder what the fuck these guys are talking about. Once I figure it out I can pretty much condense it into a short paragraph. Wordy Muth******, weren’t they?!) I’m having a good day. I should add onto that a few twitters and a journal entry every now and again. I honestly didn’t believe so much time had gone by.

So even though I really need to dress and get ready to go to spin class this morning – and then later run to my philosophy class – I’m taking a minute to update this blog with a hefty dose of “I’m so sorry it’s been this long!” and a promise to expand on everything I throw out in the next paragraph later this evening if at all possible. (!!)

I’m in the middle of the biggest creative writing exercise ever. Actually 2. I need to write a letter to the dean of students in regards to a past issue, I also need to somehow wrap up the past 2 years of my life into some package that will hopefully read “I deserve this scholarship – aren’t I amazing?” Short of joining a church so I can put that down (and yeah – I’m not denying it’s hilarious that a PK *Pastor’s Kid* would need to JOIN A CHURCH – but once I got the chance to not go it’s been quite easy. *shrugs*) I’m doing a lot of things before the deadline next month. One of my professors agreed to write a letter for me (actually said, “Of Course I will, CeCe! I’d be happy to!!!”) and she’s the head of her department who also gave me 2 A’s in her courses – so that will go far, I believe. But – leadership ability? Extra Curricular activities? Thank God my last job gave me a little bit of something to put down – but like I said, it will be creative writing at it’s finest.

In addition to that – my parents are still in town, my uncle is driving me crazy, and I have a lot of homework to do every day that keeps me at school from about 7am – 2:00PM 2 days out of the week, and 10:00am – 3:00am the other two days out of the week (Friday I only have one 3 hour class…) Which has led me to this conclusion (perhaps a bit belated): School is a damn job. A job where your boss has decided to pay you in 4 years for the work you put in. I enjoy it – but it’s time consuming and another reason for my late post. Are you forgiving me yet?

The good news? I’ve managed to gain a few new customers – and more than a few new friends in the process (if that wasn’t a hallmark sentence… ) One of my special CF (Customer Friends) sent me the most beautiful music just now with a fantasy all written out for us to enjoy the next time we talk. I’m spoiled. Another special CF sent me MORE music with a much appreciated tip on the side for good measure. A new CF of mine also sent me a much appreciated tip the other day and then proceeded to … well… I won’t air his business all over my blog but – I’m thinking about you, Lincoln. And I hope that you are doing what needs to be done so you can do what needs to be done. LOL. How cryptic was that? I’m well aware that I have been neglecting quite a few of my not so new steady and true CF’s (Tiffy – I’m REALLY sorry about that thing that I did that I didn’t mean to do…) and my schedule has a lot to do with that. So… (looks at time – and types faster) I am going to actually be logged in this evening. Last week I made it at 9:00PM – This week I probably can do the same. I’ve been having this little bit of a problem that I could use your help with. That’s all I’m going to say. LOL. It doesn’t happen often – but the last few days have been quite the marathon for me so — “step right up” sounds pretty crass, but… Step Right Up. I’ll also be logged in on Saturday off and on throughout the day/evening. We’ll catch up and you can forgive me individually – one at a time, please. Repenting on my knees is one of those things that never gets old, wouldn’t you agree?

Talk Soon!

I had philosophy class today.  I’m not sure about my professor.  He tends to really dig the guy students in class.  By now everyone should know I have this insane need to please men in positions of authority.  The fact that my teacher prefers male students, to the point that he often asks them (and there are more men in philosophy class than women – interesting?) more questions and has discussions with them about their reactions to our readings while the women sit around and … I don’t know, look cute?  It’s unsettling.  And for me, the one in our family most likely to argue anything to the point of fossilized horse – never mind dead horse – I find my teacher not asking me questions infuriating. To say the least.  So Philosophy class is my favorite class, but I enjoy my math class more.  Yeah.  I said it. 

I enjoy discussing things.  My blog should be proof of that, right?  But I enjoy answers.  I enjoy knowing the answers and I enjoy showing the person who dares to argue with me the error of his/her ways.  In philosophy there is no clear answer.  It seems like it’s really about a bunch of people – pardon me – MEN – sitting around with long white beards talking themselves into circles and in the end?  Everyone ends up having the satisfaction of telling the other person that their arguments, though worthy, mean nothing and they will continue believing what they want to!  It’s even different than literature in my opinion.  In literature there is always (most often) the author or notes from the author so that you have an idea of the interpretation.  There is also some connection to something that you have gone through – some human experience that binds us to the book that we can hold onto.  But philosophy?  “Is there a God.”  Well – damn.  How long have we been debating this idea?  “Is there such a thing as free will?”  Well – damn- if you convince me that there isn’t,  I’ll be reconsidering my whole life! Is there such a thing as Universal Good and Bad?  Are there things universally speaking that are bad no matter if you live in the suburbs of Southern California or in a village in the middle of the rain forest?  When I leave philosophy – I’m left with a list of books that I want to read – but no answers whatsoever.  Do people get paid for this?  Thinking?  Wait – let me rephrase that… Do people get paid for thinking and never coming up with any answer just more questions?  And people had a problem with my career choice to one day be a novelist!  So in case any one has some spare time on their hands and wants to know what I’m reading and maybe pick up a book or two or dust off the books on your shelves and take out some writings by Aristotle, here is the list of books SO FAR for my philosophy class.  I have about 1/3 of them so far with no time to read any of them.  Well, except for The Language of God by Francis Collins.  That book is really a great read.  I have a few C.S. Lewis books that are pretty fascinating, too: Mere Christianity, and Surprised By Joy.  My father dropped Aristotle’s Of Man & The Universe in my lap the other day.  I read the first page 10 times before I understood what the first paragraph was saying.  Some of these philosophers pack so many thoughts into one sentence it makes my head swim.  I’d like to pick up a book by Luann Brizendine that my teacher recommended called The Female Brain – which is suppose to be a good introduction to neuroscience.  I’d also like to pick up some Plato – with cliff notes.  We were talking about the stages of death today and I remembered in one of my classes discussing Elisabeth Kubler Ross who wrote On Death and Dying. And there are many more, but those are the books that stand out.  So my point?  How does anyone ever get a degree out there?  There are so many things to read – so many things to discover – so many things to figure out!  And once you take one class don’t you want to take another class?  I mean – now I want to take a religion class so I can figure out if I want to continue half way practicing my little rituals that my religion calls me to do – or if I just wanna trade it in for some cooler religion/spiritual practice like Buddhism.  The more you learn – the more you want to learn, don’t you?  I do.  The more I hear about a particular philosopher, the more I want to read about the people who influenced him.  The more I want to read about what he thought was important and the books that helped shape him (or her) – the more I want to read everything.  And who has time for all that?  All my classes have this hope that I’ll drop my plans on being whatever I thought I was going to be before I entered their class – and most of the time I consider it for a half a minute.  And I’m aware that school is all about trying to figure things out – but there is so much to figure out and so much to learn and know.  And there are only so many hours in a day.  And some of those hours I have to spend with you (smiles) and the other hours I need to spend spinning (LOL!)

Enough of that!  There are some things I’m working on that should be revealed sometime on Sunday as I’m still on schedule. annnnnd… it’s officially the weekend!  And while I have studying to do – I also can (if I let myself) sleep in tomorrow and lounge about, play with toys and you whenever I (and you) feel like it.  Tonight (Friday) I will be available till at least midnight.  I’ll play it by ear and let ya know via twitter.  Tomorrow I plan on having a little bit of time logged in during the day/early afternoon if possible.  For sure I’ll be logging in on Saturday from 10:00PM (maybe earlier if I’m around…) until 1:00/2:00 am.  Sunday I’d like to work early as I have to be in bed by 10:00PM at least so I’m up and alert by 6:00 to go to my spin class at school.  I also have a list of things to do that will keep me quite busy this weekend, in addition to my math homework I need to complete and some reading I need to do in philosophy.  Don’t let my schedule for school scare you, though.  I’ll have plenty of time to play – and actually require it.  It keeps me sane and relieves tension to masturbate, didn’t you know? hehe.

Have a great weekend – stay of trouble (or call me if you can’t help yourself! )  and take a look at the moon when you can (and it’s visible).  It’s pretty beautiful and more than romantic.   Speak to you soon!