I have so much to write about and nothing wants to come out. Or I won’t let it come out. Or something. I don’t know.

I feel that if I write anything right now it will truly be on some cryptic level, and there is nothing wrong with cryptic except everyone will wonder what exactly I’m talking about and it will seem like some juvenile cry for attention. Girls know what I am referring to. It’s that completely aggravating way some girls have of showing you they are distraught - the tears and sniffles and catches in their voice, but when you ask them what is wrong they look at you sideways and say so unconvincingly, “Nothing…” God - I wanna slap girls like that. Hard. I have no desire to be one of those cryptic losers - and yet I have nothing else inside of me that is fighting to get out right now except for that. And I can’t write a letter about it. I’ve done that. I can’t even vent to people about it because the people who I can vent to have already told me, in no uncertain terms, that I would be best to just let this all go and be happy.

And I am happy, by the way. Really happy. I have started school again, I am still smoke-free, I am so incredibly healthy and full of energy because of my pact to walk 10K miles every day (and yup - I did it! I actually averaged 11K steps last week. Go me!) and eat healthy, balanced, non processed meals. It’s a wonder how much better I feel after having started this new way of living. I also have been reading quite a few books about being present and living in the now which is a fancy way of saying don’t have regrets. All in all my life is going pretty damn good. I could complain, but what would be the point? Not to mention, I’m learning this year that nothing is perfect. You can never have a day that doesn’t hold some challenges - and life is all about how you deal with those challenges, those things that come up unexpectedly that threaten to steer you off course.

But I have a twinge of unhappiness. A lot of disappointment, actually. And I’m trying my best to figure out how to deal appropriately with it. I want to give myself permission to feel it, but I don’t want it to turn into bitterness and hatred as those things surprisingly do nothing to the person who you’re disappointed in - and do everything negative to you: tearing your insides up, keeping you up at night, giving you something to worry about, etc.

So that’s where I’m at on a personal level. Just thought I’d share.

In other news, Happy Birthday to Chris! I checked your comment to me and then looked back at my feedback and sure enough, there you were celebrating your birthday with me even back then. I’m happy to be one of your traditions. Have a very very happy birthday and good luck with that other thing that we were talking about. I’m sure you will have a lovely time (or else she’s a fool!)

I’m going to close up shop and head off to bed to write a bit of my story for writing group tomorrow. I will be on late tomorrow evening, but will do my best to log in a little bit before I leave for class. I have a lot of things to squeeze in before I leave for group, and it’s just nearing 3:00AM here now. Forgive me if I can’t log on any earlier than 11:30PM (or so). I’ll post a bit more about my schedule this weekend later today. Stay tuned.

Talk soon!

Lists have become a way of life for me. I now color coordinate them. Blue for things that are sort of optional to do. Hot pink for urgent - needed to be done “like, yesterdayyy!” and green for it would be really cool if you could find a way to squeeze these things into your schedule, too.

Funny - I always made these elaborate lists before - but never ever had any success in clearing even half of the items off the list. Of course I had lists with 30 items on it to do sometimes - but even with my lists that didn’t have all that many items to accomplish - I found myself struggling. Things are definitely much better now. They aren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination (and I know that you all have great ones!), but it’s getting better. With every list I make I gain a little bit more confidence in myself that I’ll actually get things done. I didn’t realize before how hard it is on a person to continually make promises (resolutions, lists, business plans, budgets, goals) and then to continually break those promises; one after the other. For the first few days I would write lists and just beat myself up for not accomplishing everything on it. And then I realized that I felt “okay” if I just got a few things done…well not really okay - but I wasn’t devastated. I was disappointed but not suicidal - *laughing*. Soon - I was accomplishing even more on my list. Other times I would be sitting just doing the typical disassociation that happens around 2:00PM every afternoon for me (haha) and I would suddenly reach for my notebook that I keep my lists in to see if there was something on that list that I could accomplish while just “sitting around”. I realize that there needs to be time for relaxation, too - but what you all may not realize about your dear little CeCe is that - I find time to relax. I’m just usually so riddled with guilt that I can not enjoy the time I’ve set aside to relax. I have all these other things I need to do - and I relax my way into a movie in order to avoid those things … you know? As much as I love The Sound Of Music - it’s pretty damn difficult to sing The Lonely Goatherd when you know you have a Poli Sci Test in 6 hours that you have yet to study for. Or that you should have written to your best friend and thanked her for her thoughtful card, or that you should have rescheduled your ortho appointment or called to get your teeth cleaned so you could MAKE your ortho appointment and they wouldn’t yell at you for not having your teeth cleaned first.

Welcome to my mind. Unplugged. Scary, ain’t it?

Anyway, things are beginning to look a bit better. Things are a lot easier than they use to be, but I’m still trying to settle into this mode of thinking and being. My family is happy to report my temper has somewhat subsided (I know I know - hard to believe that I had a temper, right? But I had a HORRIBLY short one. I’m learning a bit to let a whole lot of extracurricular bullshit slide far away from my path and keep it going, ya know?) and even Jackson seems better behaved. I’m not quite out of the woods altogether - but I can at least see that things are pleasant out here in the wilderness.

I’ve put writing on my list and so far I’ve managed to either write in here, or in my journal (I’m working my way to being able to write 3 pages every morning… Julia Cameron, who wrote The Artist’s Way, calls them “morning pages”) every single day. I have also started to attend a writer’s group where we read our works out loud to a group of pretty damn good writers. I’m happily the baby of the group…trying to take in what everyone is doing and reeling in my excitement at being inspired to write again. I’ve shared on 2 of the evenings so far. The second night I attended I read some of my poetry (10 or so pieces), and at the 2nd meeting I shared the beginning of my screen play I had started last year but then went in another direction because I realized that maybe it made a better novel than a screen play. I have never written a novel before in my life. But I have plenty of books to tell me how to do it (like you all didn’t notice I collect books on writing!)! But as manic as I’m sounding right now - it’s not with fear that I write all of this. I don’t have the same sense of … anxiety when I think about the things I want to do - and the things I want to try. Before I guess I felt that maybe I would never let myself actually do them. I was worried that I wouldn’t have time; that I would put these things down on a list of things to do and that list of things to do would never get done. I would wake up the same way I do now … but instead of feeling euphoric about the choices I had and the many paths I could choose - realizing that any step I decided to take would be the right one, I instead felt this feeling of … anxiety (that’s too easy of a word), panic (still too easy), sadness (getting closer), dread. Yeah. Dread. blah, right?

**deep moment alert - skip over if you’d like to - read at your own risk**

So yeah - I’m finally getting to love this CeCe you all get the pleasure of seeing most of the time. *wink* I’m just getting to know her - I mostly keep myself company with the dark side of CeCe that many of you never get the chance of seeing. And you should all thank me for that during our next call together. Of course if you are the 2 or 3 that have seen this “side” of me along side the other CeCe (this is when I start feeling a bit like Sybil…talking about myself like I’m a dual person or something?) I suppose that would make the 2-3 of you actual true friends of mine. I should be thanking you, then for showing me how 2 of me can co-exist and create an okay kinda girl, right?

**End too deep moment - Curtain raises - lights go up**

Alright - I’m very much aware that I have a few surprise gifts that came in during the past week - and that I need to fully organize myself so that I don’t inadvertently miss someone. I also have been hanging onto a piano piece for quite a while… Karl (My directionally impaired slave (in training) ) sent me this sonatina book off my wish list a while ago, and I felt that it would be a treat to play something and upload it as part of my podcast. Well - it ended up being this huge practice session - complete with me cussing and screaming over hard passages - and saying “oops” a lot and laughing at myself. It’s pretty revealing and Ed was kicking my ass a bit more than usual and I didn’t get it “up”. I am still trying to decide if it’s just too much to reveal to post it. Seriously, I sound so absofrickenlutely adorable cussing and screaming while I make mistakes playing classical music. LOL! Fuck it - I’ll probably post it … let me see if it makes it to my list.

So podcast and thank yous I still need to “tie up”. Probably soon after Mommy’s Day. My son Jackson (the doggy) is going to be taking me out so … I don’t know when I’ll be back at the computer to upload anything. You understand I’m sure. *wink*

Look for me after 10:00PM tomorrow evening. I was on really super late this evening and had a long hypnosis call on my new listing. It took a lot out of me (whew - some of you all go a bit crazy/wild/kinky with those trigger words!!) so I signed off not soon after I ended the 60 minute call. I won’t be that late tomorrow - or today I guess - Saturday Evening. I’m not planning on going out or anything … so I can be on around 10:00PM PST - till kind of late I am thinking … unless we have church to attend to on Sunday (Someone has to pray for you all! *wink*). I’ll try to nonchalantly ask about it with out seeming too eager NOT to go if you know what I mean. There is an art to being a teen and getting out of responsibilities so you can play with your friends. It’s a very powerful gift/tool which requires much responsibility when using it. Sunday I will be logging in for a bit but not sure what time yet. Probably Evening … definitely evening… after 9:00PM I hope. We might be eating dinner later for some reason but I’ll try to stay on top of that and let you know of any changes. Notice I said “try”. yeah. I know my limitations

Gotta go. Much to do tomorrow and it’s already 3:28PM. Must….sleeeeeeeep….

Thanks for all of the comments, letters, sweet prezzies (cash) and extended calls just so you all could tell me you’re there and you get it - and you’re supporting me and will support me in any way you are able to. It was just what I needed/wanted most.

Oh - and since I made a promise about a certain movie collection on my wish list - SBJ - I adore you, love you and I’ll try to make this the first week where I’ve been able to write 3 times. We’re counting Sunday as part of this week, right?

I know I probably should be writing about something like school - or my no smoking (3 weeks - thank you VERY much!) - but all that is coming to mind is Atticus. My newest brain crush.

As many of you know - I’ve been trying to watch To Kill A Mockingbird now for the past … I dunno - YEAR? I finally sat down and watched it the other night (it was a hard decision - A movie - or haploids, mitosis, meiosis, etc. But I FINALLY made a decision and buckled in and went for it!) What a lovely movie that was. And what an absolutely adoring father Atticus was. He was just so gentle and kind and strong and … wise. He is definitely the kind of father every father should strive to be. So yeah - brain crush and then some. Not to mention - Gregory Peck. Holy cow was that guy hot! He was so hot I couldn’t even fantasize about him. I know that sounds really strange - but - there it is. I use to think that Michael Landon was hot too - and could never have a fantasy about him, either. I would watch Little House on the Prairie and honestly just want to be Laura and curl up in his lap in a very innocent non sexually deviant way. I have those moments…that’s why you all love me.

I know it’s been like forever since I’ve written anything in here. Thankfully you’re all very understanding and you know that I have very good reasons - but it doesn’t make me feel any better that I’ve somehow neglected this blog. It’s deeper than that, though. I haven’t written anything lately - nothing in my journal, nothing on scraps of paper, nothing at all. And I’ve somehow been okay with that. I miss writing, but I don’t miss the - struggle. Writing to me is like - Gregory Peck and Michael Landon and all the other brain crushes I’ve ever had: It’s so perfect that sometimes I feel better leaving it alone and not tainting it with bullshit. We’ve all been down this road with CeCe before - but there it is.

My family is still in town and they are scheduled to leave soon. That should free up a bit of time - but school is still kicking my tender ass from one side of the state to the other. My biology teacher likes me now - and I’m pulling a rather disappointing C+ in biology right now - inches away from the B+ I would long to have but feel a sort of ambivalence to achieve. I have her figured out though. I had a feeling we would have a quiz today and we did. She is encouraging though, handing me back my tests and quizzes with notes on them like “Keep up the good work, CeCe - you’re improving” and all that other kind of stuff that typically propels me forward to get that A just to prove my worthiness. And Biology isn’t all that boring right now. For instance, did you know that as soon as the earth began to cool - and water appeared - there was life? Just like that. Reminds me of this story my father told me after reading the paper a few months back. Apparently there was a river - pretty big river - that was filled to the rim with fish and life and … well whatever else lives in rivers. This river suddenly dried up. Life around the river just died - along with everything in it. The big environmentalist people were concerned and knew that they needed to bring the river back. The scientists predicted that it would take years before life returned to the river and the surrounding area. They slowly filled the river back up again and with in months - not years - but a few mere months - BAM! Life. Birds and fish, and plants and flowers and animals - in abundance. So - yeah. I find that all very interesting and very … symbolic. I can get into that sort of biology.

So Atticus is my irrigation. Ok, ok - literature is my irrigation. I guess I need to do a bit more reading/watching and those types of things will literally wash over me and bring me back to life again. My writing coach told me that I need to write for at least 2 hours every day. It should be my “job” he said. I should just sit down and do it - and there should be no alternative. I worry about silly things - like what I will say - or what will come out of my head - or whether or not anything I write will make much sense and whether or not I should print any of it here - but I guess all that worrying does is prevent me from doing anything at all. So - I will try to write more and “worry” less. Words, after all, are my water.

It’s 10 minutes till Tuesday and I haven’t even started my podcast for the day. I’m banking on doing it tomorrow but I hate to make promises. You know how I get. What I will say is that thanks to “Mr. d” - I have a question for the podcast - and thanks to Atticus I have a topic, and thanks to my callers I have some feedback to share - and thanks to some super sweet and generous callers and friends I have some gifts to brag about that have recently made their way to my wish list’s “purchased” list.

Take care - and talk to you tomorrow…

I once kept a dream journal at the advice of an English teacher. I never showed it to anyone - because I have those types of dreams that are absolutely with out a doubt revealing to the point of indecent exposure. There is no need for interpretation - or experts - or anything like that. My dreams have always been clear as a bell.

For instance, the other night I had a dream that I found a little polar bear wandering around in the woods. (Hey - no comments about my lack of geography knowledge…my dreams don’t know any better!) He was so cute. All white - with a little button nose and big black eyes and white eyelashes. He snuggled right up to me and I carried him home. We were such a cute pair - my little polar bear and I (lol!) and everyone was amazed at how cute he was. He was really well behaved too, considering. He would sleep in bed with me and snuggle up all nice and close and keep me really warm and his breath smelled like fresh fruit. He was absolutely with out a doubt adorable! Friends would come to visit us and at first they were all really positive about our relationship (grin) but later they started to give me these little comments like, “You know - bears are cute when they are cubs - but when they grow up they will be bears - and he may eventually maul you.” I would shrug off their comments, thinking them jealous more than concerned and continue on with my plan. But the bear began to grow up very fast. Every day his paws would get bigger - and though he was still as gentle as a lamb, I couldn’t help but wonder if my friends were correct. Could this bear grow up to forget about our relationship and go back to his “bear” tendencies? Could my bear be a threat to my safety and eventually kill me with out even realizing what he was doing? I started to look at my bear a bit more cautiously. And I started, too, to think of ways that I could “ditch” him. I thought of maybe bringing him to the local zoo but was not sure he would fit in with the others and was very concerned about how well he would be treated there. I thought about releasing him back into the woods from whence he came, but I worried that some hunters would come along and kill him for his fur (??). And then I woke up. Took Jackson out for his morning pee - and thought about how cute he was with his soft white fur and his little button nose and his big black eyes with white eyelashes. And as soon as Jackson was done watering his favorite tree, I got on the phone and called around for some dog trainers.

It’s not that Jackson is bad and I’m afraid of him mauling anyone. But he hasn’t outgrown his biting yet. He doesn’t bite you out of dominance or whatever, he just hasn’t realized that there are humans and there are dogs - and dogs can not play with humans the way they do with other dogs. He will run around your feet - play hide and seek with you - jump out at you with a silly grin on his face, toss you his favorite toy and dare you not to play with him. If you refuse his advances, he will lick your hand - then nip you. Then lick you. Then nip. I’ve taken to saying NO or OUCH to him as loud as possible and tapping him on the nose and he “gets” it but will still lick nip lick nip you until he grows tired of the nose batting he gets from it. He pushes the limits. Constantly. And if he wasn’t so damned adorable I would be more irritated than I am. One thing is clear though, this little nipping he does needs to be taken care of immediately. It is not attractive. He’s been doing it since he was way little and I’ve tried time outs, loud noises, squirting him in the face, etc. Nothing seems to break his spirit like the ass whooping I want to give him. I took a little test on line and realized that Jackson is a F student in obedience. Quite alarming after the 100 something bucks I paid for him to be socialized and learn basic manners when he was a puppy. He is willful, stubborn, and clearly all alpha omega, that dog. And something needs to be done, immediately. My dreams are telling me so.

The other part of my dream that I found very insightful was the whole polar thing. I’ve been learning about Phospholipids in biology lately. Yeah. Pretty dang interesting, right? It seems that in that class I’m always about 2 days behind in the learning curve. My professor will talk about phospholipids on Monday and by Friday I’m waking myself up after a dream about polar bears as pets thinking - Ooooooh! The LAYER is made up of the fatty part of the phospholipids and thus forming a BARRIER that water can not penetrate! Ooooooh. I get it. So yeah - interesting things, right? One part of that little thingee is polar and the other nonpolar. I think that’s a good balance, right? I think it’s also a really great insult to give to people who are unstable… “You’re like a phospholipid with no tail.” Clever right? Especially when the person has no idea what the hell one of those little phospholipids are! Anyway - all that to say I think that is the other reason why I was dreaming about polar bears. Some part of my life is extremely …out of balance, let’s say.

That’s all I have for you. No - really. That’s all I have. There is nothing left up there. *taps head so you can hear the empty hollow ring* I have TONS of homework this weekend. A lab test in Biology - along with about 5 chapters or so to read because I have a big test next week on all 8 chapters of Biology and I still have to work, sleep, play, and pee. I also have a government class that I should attend tomorrow morning bright and early. And I still am half way entertaining my relatives from out of town. Let’s not forget finding a trainer for my polar bear, finding some balance between life, work, school and stuff, and thinking of a topic for Monday’s topic. I will write more this weekend - but just wanted to check in really quick. I will be logged in for a few more minutes here - and then I’m going to take the rest of the afternoon off. If you want to speak to me please feel free to make an appointment with me. I will try logging on this evening for a few hours before bedtime. I just feel like having a little time to myself right now to enjoy the weather, catch up on some reading for school, and maybe even listen to some music.

Talk to you all very soon.

While speaking to Rolf the other day - I realized something about myself that probably is like “duh” to anyone who reads me: I am a perfectionist. When going into anything I always weigh the possibility that I may fail - and if I know that I will fail I tend to give up and try something that is a bit more… a bit more… well - a sure thing.

So while taking classes I tend to take those classes that interest me but classes that I know that I will do well at. This would not be a problem save for the fact that I want to get a degree. Getting a degree in a liberal college means that I need to be well versed in a lot of subjects - subjects that had I been given a choice, I would run away from. I would run fast — because I hate to fail.

I realize that life is about taking chances - and for the most part I do take them…but they are small little chances that I know I can recover from if I fail miserably.

You all know I’m taking biology, right? I’m learning all about atoms - and how they combine to make molecules - and how these molecules combine to make little tiny organelles. After everything is combined and grouped together into little systems and little organisms made of tissues and organs we have an organism - then a population and then lo and behold! A biosphere! All this made possible by that tiny little atom I had no interest in before my biology class. To be honest, I still am struggling to appreciate that little thing - but my affections for it are increasing. In class the other day my teacher said something that I, of course, grabbed a hold of. She said that there are elements that are stable - and there are elements that are NOT stable - and asked us which we thought were more interesting. She didn’t grab me there. She grabbed my attention when she said that it’s the lack of stability that makes things interesting. People long for stability and they cling to those who can offer them that stability - and well, elements are the same. They move around - making relationships with all sorts of things in their attempt to become more stable. They either lose something in order to gain that - or they move next to something to share their “stuff” (I know there is a scientific word for this - but it really doesn’t belong in my statement here so I’m using stuff… ) so they can be stable. It’s this search that Scientists find so interesting, much more interesting than those boring completely stable things that don’t do anything but relish in the fact that they are “whole”.

I can’t stop thinking about that. What I think my teacher is saying - is that the PROCESS is much more interesting than the PRODUCT. Is that it? If so - the process of my learning how to do something is the real lesson here…much more of a lesson than let’s say - already having arrived. So (sigh) taking a class in biology and learning something new is much more important than taking a class in music history and reciting back the romantic composers and their work by memory (because, yes, I know them. lol!) Well I’ll be damned. School is all about the interesting things that can happen to the students when we are in our most vulnerable unstable state? That’s when interesting things happen? How absolutely fricken poetic is THAT?!?

That’s all I have for you today. It’s time for bed. I have Biology lab and then lecture tomorrow. I’m going to try to have a better appreciation for Biology. It doesn’t deserve my hatred. It’s something that I may not like even after I’ve learned all there is to know about cell structure and the like (well - all that a undergrad who is majoring in English probably needs to know) but I’ll try focusing more about the instability and process rather than being perfectly stable and somewhat boring. I guess that’s what “growing” up is suppose to be about; the process - rather than the destination or the “state” of being…whole.