Math has always been a bit difficult for me. I get to a certain place in math, and my anxiety takes over. So this year I’ve been really prepared, and go into class on hyper focus. I’m determined to get this math phobia behind me.

So determined am I, that I completely submerged myself in math this semester. I took my regular 5 credit math class, but in addition to that I also signed up for a Math Counseling Class to help me get rid of my math anxiety, and then signed up for a 2 credit class with a math tutor 3-4 hours every week. That’s just Math class. I do have other subjects I’m taking.

My Math Professor is really a great guy. He has this white, white beard and he wears these sandles that make him look like a cross between Jesus Christ himself and a hippy. He’s a gentle, sweet, kind older man who I immediately equate to a grandfather. He does math in his sleep, I think, and he’s always showing us shortcuts that make things even more difficult in the end, but I love him for trying.

My math class is filled with people who have math phobias, are unfamiliar with math, or just don’t give a flying fuck and feel that math is useless. I compete with the students who just don’t give a fuck every day it seems. They don’t even feign interest – they turn around in their chairs and start talking in outside voices (lol) and completely ignore our professor. I’ve played this type of musical chairs for 3 weeks now – attempting to find a spot in that classroom that will allow me to focus on what the teacher is saying. I have not been successful. Finally, I found a spot that seemed like it could work and settled in. For the first few days all was well – but towards the geometry portion of the math, the volume (and anxiety) started to rise. Exasperated, I finally turned around and said “Shhhh! Damn!!!!” to one girl in particular that was just out of control. Honestly. Talking and talking and getting louder as the teacher’s volume would rise. My sudden explosion seemed to work for minute, but then got louder as if to torment me further. I raised my hand – but by this time the professor had his back to the class and was too busy probably wishing he was anywhere but there. When the class finally dispersed the ring leader chick said to me, “Next time, don’t sit near us.” I said back to her with out pause, “Next time, don’t speak when the professor is speaking!” “Make me!” she countered with the maturity of a 5 year old. Stunned I stared back at her. “Stupid bitch…” she added as she practically ran out of the door.

I quickly told my grandfather hippy Jesus what the girl said to me, and he made a point to say something to the entire class the next day – but that didn’t seem to make me feel any better. And it may be the fact that I like to have people like me…a lot … but – I’ve been thinking to offer her an olive branch.

I’ve been on the other side of this equation. I’ve done things that make me not like myself at all. And I’ve secretly wished that someone would make it easy/easier for me to apologize – or make things right again. Feeling ashamed is really a shitty thing to feel. So I’ve been thinking honestly of just going over to her on Monday and saying that I’m sorry for “shhhhing” her like she was a child or something. I can honestly say I’m sorry for that. And I’d also like to tell her that I’d like to start over – and at least be amicable towards one another. Not that I need to be nice to her, but I think that she may need someone to be nice to her with out an invite, you know? I’d like to help her save face – at least with herself. Of course it could all backfire – but I’m prepared to shrug my shoulders, leave my branch on the desk in front of her (should she change her mind) and go on about my business. Dan says that that is sexy somehow. I think it’s just a little bit of a pay forward after a horribly difficult week. I don’t know if it will come back to me at all – but I’ll be able to sleep a little better knowing I took responsibility for my part of the problem. And from what I’m learning about math so far, understanding the problem and putting it into words that can be solved – is half the problem and in my professor’s eyes, worth at least half a point.

I’ll update later with my schedule. I’m on line for an hour and then I gotta try to get some rest. Will see you tomorrow….

I am SO sorry for my lack of updates. It’s been busy over here and honestly, if I make it to the gym and get my math homework done (did I mention I got yet another 100 percent on my latest math test? yup. I rule!) and somewhat manage to make sense of my philosophy reading (I can read stuff 10 times and still wonder what the fuck these guys are talking about. Once I figure it out I can pretty much condense it into a short paragraph. Wordy Muth******, weren’t they?!) I’m having a good day. I should add onto that a few twitters and a journal entry every now and again. I honestly didn’t believe so much time had gone by.

So even though I really need to dress and get ready to go to spin class this morning – and then later run to my philosophy class – I’m taking a minute to update this blog with a hefty dose of “I’m so sorry it’s been this long!” and a promise to expand on everything I throw out in the next paragraph later this evening if at all possible. (!!)

I’m in the middle of the biggest creative writing exercise ever. Actually 2. I need to write a letter to the dean of students in regards to a past issue, I also need to somehow wrap up the past 2 years of my life into some package that will hopefully read “I deserve this scholarship – aren’t I amazing?” Short of joining a church so I can put that down (and yeah – I’m not denying it’s hilarious that a PK *Pastor’s Kid* would need to JOIN A CHURCH – but once I got the chance to not go it’s been quite easy. *shrugs*) I’m doing a lot of things before the deadline next month. One of my professors agreed to write a letter for me (actually said, “Of Course I will, CeCe! I’d be happy to!!!”) and she’s the head of her department who also gave me 2 A’s in her courses – so that will go far, I believe. But – leadership ability? Extra Curricular activities? Thank God my last job gave me a little bit of something to put down – but like I said, it will be creative writing at it’s finest.

In addition to that – my parents are still in town, my uncle is driving me crazy, and I have a lot of homework to do every day that keeps me at school from about 7am – 2:00PM 2 days out of the week, and 10:00am – 3:00am the other two days out of the week (Friday I only have one 3 hour class…) Which has led me to this conclusion (perhaps a bit belated): School is a damn job. A job where your boss has decided to pay you in 4 years for the work you put in. I enjoy it – but it’s time consuming and another reason for my late post. Are you forgiving me yet?

The good news? I’ve managed to gain a few new customers – and more than a few new friends in the process (if that wasn’t a hallmark sentence… ) One of my special CF (Customer Friends) sent me the most beautiful music just now with a fantasy all written out for us to enjoy the next time we talk. I’m spoiled. Another special CF sent me MORE music with a much appreciated tip on the side for good measure. A new CF of mine also sent me a much appreciated tip the other day and then proceeded to … well… I won’t air his business all over my blog but – I’m thinking about you, Lincoln. And I hope that you are doing what needs to be done so you can do what needs to be done. LOL. How cryptic was that? I’m well aware that I have been neglecting quite a few of my not so new steady and true CF’s (Tiffy – I’m REALLY sorry about that thing that I did that I didn’t mean to do…) and my schedule has a lot to do with that. So… (looks at time – and types faster) I am going to actually be logged in this evening. Last week I made it at 9:00PM – This week I probably can do the same. I’ve been having this little bit of a problem that I could use your help with. That’s all I’m going to say. LOL. It doesn’t happen often – but the last few days have been quite the marathon for me so — “step right up” sounds pretty crass, but… Step Right Up. I’ll also be logged in on Saturday off and on throughout the day/evening. We’ll catch up and you can forgive me individually – one at a time, please. Repenting on my knees is one of those things that never gets old, wouldn’t you agree?

Talk Soon!

I had philosophy class today.  I’m not sure about my professor.  He tends to really dig the guy students in class.  By now everyone should know I have this insane need to please men in positions of authority.  The fact that my teacher prefers male students, to the point that he often asks them (and there are more men in philosophy class than women – interesting?) more questions and has discussions with them about their reactions to our readings while the women sit around and … I don’t know, look cute?  It’s unsettling.  And for me, the one in our family most likely to argue anything to the point of fossilized horse – never mind dead horse – I find my teacher not asking me questions infuriating. To say the least.  So Philosophy class is my favorite class, but I enjoy my math class more.  Yeah.  I said it. 

I enjoy discussing things.  My blog should be proof of that, right?  But I enjoy answers.  I enjoy knowing the answers and I enjoy showing the person who dares to argue with me the error of his/her ways.  In philosophy there is no clear answer.  It seems like it’s really about a bunch of people – pardon me – MEN – sitting around with long white beards talking themselves into circles and in the end?  Everyone ends up having the satisfaction of telling the other person that their arguments, though worthy, mean nothing and they will continue believing what they want to!  It’s even different than literature in my opinion.  In literature there is always (most often) the author or notes from the author so that you have an idea of the interpretation.  There is also some connection to something that you have gone through – some human experience that binds us to the book that we can hold onto.  But philosophy?  “Is there a God.”  Well – damn.  How long have we been debating this idea?  “Is there such a thing as free will?”  Well – damn- if you convince me that there isn’t,  I’ll be reconsidering my whole life! Is there such a thing as Universal Good and Bad?  Are there things universally speaking that are bad no matter if you live in the suburbs of Southern California or in a village in the middle of the rain forest?  When I leave philosophy – I’m left with a list of books that I want to read – but no answers whatsoever.  Do people get paid for this?  Thinking?  Wait – let me rephrase that… Do people get paid for thinking and never coming up with any answer just more questions?  And people had a problem with my career choice to one day be a novelist!  So in case any one has some spare time on their hands and wants to know what I’m reading and maybe pick up a book or two or dust off the books on your shelves and take out some writings by Aristotle, here is the list of books SO FAR for my philosophy class.  I have about 1/3 of them so far with no time to read any of them.  Well, except for The Language of God by Francis Collins.  That book is really a great read.  I have a few C.S. Lewis books that are pretty fascinating, too: Mere Christianity, and Surprised By Joy.  My father dropped Aristotle’s Of Man & The Universe in my lap the other day.  I read the first page 10 times before I understood what the first paragraph was saying.  Some of these philosophers pack so many thoughts into one sentence it makes my head swim.  I’d like to pick up a book by Luann Brizendine that my teacher recommended called The Female Brain – which is suppose to be a good introduction to neuroscience.  I’d also like to pick up some Plato – with cliff notes.  We were talking about the stages of death today and I remembered in one of my classes discussing Elisabeth Kubler Ross who wrote On Death and Dying. And there are many more, but those are the books that stand out.  So my point?  How does anyone ever get a degree out there?  There are so many things to read – so many things to discover – so many things to figure out!  And once you take one class don’t you want to take another class?  I mean – now I want to take a religion class so I can figure out if I want to continue half way practicing my little rituals that my religion calls me to do – or if I just wanna trade it in for some cooler religion/spiritual practice like Buddhism.  The more you learn – the more you want to learn, don’t you?  I do.  The more I hear about a particular philosopher, the more I want to read about the people who influenced him.  The more I want to read about what he thought was important and the books that helped shape him (or her) – the more I want to read everything.  And who has time for all that?  All my classes have this hope that I’ll drop my plans on being whatever I thought I was going to be before I entered their class – and most of the time I consider it for a half a minute.  And I’m aware that school is all about trying to figure things out – but there is so much to figure out and so much to learn and know.  And there are only so many hours in a day.  And some of those hours I have to spend with you (smiles) and the other hours I need to spend spinning (LOL!)

Enough of that!  There are some things I’m working on that should be revealed sometime on Sunday as I’m still on schedule. annnnnd… it’s officially the weekend!  And while I have studying to do – I also can (if I let myself) sleep in tomorrow and lounge about, play with toys and you whenever I (and you) feel like it.  Tonight (Friday) I will be available till at least midnight.  I’ll play it by ear and let ya know via twitter.  Tomorrow I plan on having a little bit of time logged in during the day/early afternoon if possible.  For sure I’ll be logging in on Saturday from 10:00PM (maybe earlier if I’m around…) until 1:00/2:00 am.  Sunday I’d like to work early as I have to be in bed by 10:00PM at least so I’m up and alert by 6:00 to go to my spin class at school.  I also have a list of things to do that will keep me quite busy this weekend, in addition to my math homework I need to complete and some reading I need to do in philosophy.  Don’t let my schedule for school scare you, though.  I’ll have plenty of time to play – and actually require it.  It keeps me sane and relieves tension to masturbate, didn’t you know? hehe.

Have a great weekend – stay of trouble (or call me if you can’t help yourself! )  and take a look at the moon when you can (and it’s visible).  It’s pretty beautiful and more than romantic.   Speak to you soon!

So on Sunday Evening I was doing this little dance between homework and the oscars that lasted until 10:00PM. I use to adore the oscars. I was that movie fanatic that made sure she saw every damn movie possible before election night, and then rooted silently for my favorites. I know enough Oscar trivia to make me an official snob and I think the whole gown thing before hand is irrelevant fluff since it’s really all about the art, damn it (said with effective English accent). *courtesies* Having said all that, however, there were a few moments that were of absolute delight. I’d like to bore you totally by recounting a few of them:

• Hugh is absolutely fantastic. Not only is he attractive, but it is clear that he also is a lover of musicals, which, as you should know, is VERY important to me. He has a very nice singing voice, and he has quite the moves as well. He was a gracious host, and I believe he set the mood to some old time Hollywood moment/s that we don’t get enough of these days. The whole evening, with Hugh steering the Love Boat, was terribly nostalgic. Intelligent, Entertaining, and Charming. Great Job, Hugh! (call me)
• The presentation of the Oscars (Whoopi, I love you girlfriend, but what in the name of all that is good and holy were you wearing? Damn – luckily you speak poetry and wisdom and you’re just so damn smart so even though you’ll be in every magazine tomorrow morning – you’ll still be respected. *whew*)
  had to be one of the most endearing qualities of the night for me. Sure, it was a little over the top sometimes to see a bunch of actresses kissing other actresses asses (wait – I forgot my readership…actresses kissing other actresses asses might be appealing, right? lol!), but I thought the sentiment was honest and pure. To hear the respect from the previous winners – and the kind words they gave to the nominees, was really sweet. Sweet sounds too corny – but you know what I mean. If I were one of the women waiting to see if I could take home the oscar, just hearing what my idols said about me would be seriously gift enough. God. How lucky they were – and what a sweet gift.
• Slum Dog Millionaire. Nuff said.
• The Best Screen Play Speech. OMG. I bawled like a baby, then cheered like I was there in the audience. What a absolute lovely thing to say. How brave. How fitting. How fuckin true. Bravo, Dustin Lance Black! I heart you!

So there you have it. In a nutshell. As usual, during the few moments I watched, my mind also found a way to incorporate fantasies into it because, Ladies and Gentlemen, that is what happens after 2 years of Niteflirt. Every moment becomes an opportunity for a role play/fantasy/experience. For example: if my favorite femmy “D” calls me this evening (or next…) I have a GREAT Oscar Party we can go to. Mmhm! We’ll be dressed up like stars, and hand out the goody bags at one of the finest parties and… well… you know my demented mind. We’ll definitely have a ‘ball’. I know. I’ve become warped.

I’m on my way to school (math class) and then back for a few appointments this afternoon, and then to the gym for some cardio (There’s a spin class in the evening…). I usually take Tuesday’s off (from the gym), but I have some time this afternoon and I’ll need a little boost of energy for tonight’s calls. Sorry about yesterday evening, I was busy making an expensive care package for my emancipator (wink) and planning and scheming with Karl. You can all blame the two of them for my absence. I will see you this evening around uh – 8:00PM. I won’t be staying long, though. I have school tomorrow (Wednesday) starting at 6:45AM (spin class) and a rather long day at school (I’m there until 4:00PM) followed by a private torture session at the gym with my fave nazi at 5:00PM – so I need my rest. Since I changed my Wednesday Evening class at school to Friday afternoon, I’ll be logged in Wednesday Evening, too. Due to the long day, however, I will be logged in around 8PM and staying until Midnight. Long day – I’ll try to stay up that late but may turn in earlier if I start hallucinating. Thursdays are still a bit up in the air. Sometimes I go to my writing class, the last few weeks I haven’t been able to drag myself there, though. We’ll see. Friday I’ll see you around 10:00PM and by that time I’ll post my weekend schedule. Gotta run…Catch me if you can… if not – no worries! In the next couple of weeks I’ll have more of an idea what my schedule will be and I’ll post it for all to see. Until then – keep track of me under “twitter” on my side bar over there>> and I will keep you up to date as best I can what my working hours will be.

Talk soon!

Update: I’m really sorry about Wednesday nite, guys. I had a bday party that I completely forgot about – and it was a late late dinner (we had to wait for my whole family to be in one place at the same time…) and then there were presents and cake and ice cream. Then I had to take a shower as I had a super long day today and had just gotten home in time to help set everything up but not to actually CLEAN up. So not pretty. And now … I’m exhausted. I could sign in but honestly I would be of absolute no value for your buck (& .87 cents) so I’m just going to head to bed with promises that I will be on tomorrow. I am going to skip my writing class yet again (sigh … will I ever go?! I just don’t have the time to do everything I want to these days!) so I’ll be available after spin class. 8:00PM. If I go to bed right now I can get a decent night’s sleep and be refreshed enough to stay up until at least midnight/1:00AM Friday Morning (Thursday evening). So look for me then. Sorry again about tonight. If any of you tried to get in touch with me this evening, send me a note and I’ll apologize more profusely (wink wink nudge nudge). See you Thursday Eve.

So I’ve finished yet another week of school, and thankfully I survived.  I got my first A on my math test and I feel a bit of confidence brewing.  I don’t want to get too confident, but so far my method of doing all my homework immediately after my class, no matter how boring it is, and doing all of my problems, even AND odds (the teacher only assigns the odd problems), is working to my benefit.  I will continue doing all of the same things for the next test.  So far I understand everything that we are covering.  I’ll still do a few problems of review over the weekend so that I don’t forget anything.  I want to continue my straight A semesters if I can.    I have some philosophy left to do this evening, so this post will not be a long one.  I just promised I would have an addendum to my last post – and well, here it is. 

But wait.  Before I talk about my schedule this weekend – how did you enjoy the pod cast?  I heard from a few of you via email and Karl stopped in to tell me how my YTWD theme music makes him hard (gonna have to remember that for later, baby! lol!) – but what about the rest of you?  Kind of like old times, isn’t it?  For those of you who listened, you know that the yellow bus kids and I are about to have some serious adventures this semester that will be sure to keep you entertained while I attend school and fight for my A’s. LOL!  Today in “Study Hall” as I have termed it, the ysbks (yellow school bus kids) and I were out of control.  It felt like Friday in there – we were all hyper and stuff and well, it’s never really a good plan to stick 4 or more ADHD, ADD, and other questionably diagnosed kids in a room with various math problems with a pretty attractive male tutor.  It’s really not a good idea. 

“So, Matt….”

“Yeah?”

“How did you and math become so close?”

“What do you mean, CeCe?”

“Did you have like one of those seedy beginnings?  Were you interested in Science, but then you caught sight of Math from a distance and knew that you were destined to become lovahs?”

“CeCe – get back to work.”

…

“Do you think of us in terms of letters and more than, less than, and pi symbols – or are we our names?”

“CeCe – what the hell are you talking about?”

“When you write in your journal, Matt.  You know – at night – when you’re writing in your journal?  With your plate of cookies and glass of milk by your lap top? ‘Dear Diary, today I taught some kids about the laws of divisibility.  I saw the light in square root of 49′s eyes as she grasped the idea of how 31422 is divisible by 3 and I knew my job was complete…’ “ 

“CeCe – seriously – get back to work.”

“Writing in journals isn’t all that bad, Matt.”

“CeCe…”

“I’ll probably jot down a few things about this conversation in mine later.”

“What is my name going to be?”

“Matt.”

“Why?”

“Matt Damon.”

“Again I ask…WHY?”

“Good Will Hunting…”

“Get back to work, CeCe.”

“Fine, Matt.”

Good times! lol.

He’s way too young for me though.  I know some of you were wondering.

So back to my schedule this weekend.  My weeks are still a horrible mess.  I switched my philosophy class to Friday Mornings (fit in to my schedule while still allowing me to take spin.  I know I sound like a junky but spin class is serious coke.  I kid you not. So – Wednesday’s should open up now for calls in the evenings.  I have not gone to my writing class in forever on Thursdays because of my schedule, but, hopefully I’ll be able to in the upcoming weeks.  We’ll see.  So while I get all of this worked out continue to take note of my twitter on the side bar over there >> and if I’m logged in I’ll make an announcement or two.  You can also, as always, send me a note and request a special time.  If I get the requests ahead of time I can plan for it – so let me know as soon as you are able to and we’ll confirm and set up a time. 

The weekend schedule is as follows:

Friday:  Will log in no later than 10:00PM (PST).  (allowing dinner with parents and winding down after the day, etc). Will attempt to stay up until 1:00AM/2:00AM.  But I warn you.  It may not be pretty after 1:00AM…just a fair warning.

Saturday: Will log in for morning hours around 10AM (PST).  Will attempt to work for a few hours and then log off until evening.  I will log in for my Evening hours no later than 10:00PM (PST) but CeCe reserves the right to change her mind should her parents decide to take her out to a movie or dinner or something.  I will definitely let you know should my plans change from 10:00PM PST.  I will be working late even though CeCe’s parents are staring at her wondering why she isn’t going to church anymore Sunday Mornings. Plan on seeing me up until at least 1:00AM PST.  I may pass out before then but I will give it the good college TRY.

Sunday:  Will log in and out during the late mornings/afternoons.  There is a chance I might catch a spin class on Sunday, but I might just treadmill it or walk a few miles with Jackson.  Monday Morning Spin Class will come all too soon. Will log in early on Sunday evening – probably around 7:00PM/8:00PM PST and only staying on until 11:00PM MAX.  Got a 7:00am Spin Class at school and it seriously already kicks my ass. I don’t need further help from having had too many orgasms the night before.

So there we have it.  I’m going to sticky this too my computer/date book/and put it in my iCal (grin) so I will not forget.  If by some FLUKE I’m not available when I’ve said that I will be, email me on niteflirt and let me know when you attempted to call.  If indeed I was not available with out prior notification and if it was due to my … irresponsibility (lol!) and not some dire emergency like Jackson fighting a coyote in the back yard or something, I’ll make sure you are compensated for your troubles.  How about THAT for some incentive?

Talk to you soon – wish me luck on my philosophy assignment.  I may need it.