So … if I wait 4+ days before writing in my diary, will I have something of value to say when I finally open up my editor/word program and start writing? Stay tuned…

On Wednesday I attended my writing class and learned more about plot points. LOL. I’m not so bitter about it anymore though. Honestly. Tiffy - you can put your letter away - I won’t be needing it anymore. I realized that truthfully - my teacher is just doing what I need him to do right now and that is give me a handy dandy excuse as to why I’m not writing. We go through this a lot here on this diary, people … feel free to just power ahead - skip a few paragraphs and pick up around the time I talk about my favorite callers. I won’t mind.

See, my teach wants us to know about the whole plot point thing to the point that we recite them every time we see a movie. Hmmm .. that was plot number 14 me thinks! It impresses your friends and other movie goers. But for reals, he really does want it to sink into our skulls. The plot points are our mid-term and the 30 pages of script are our final. I should be a bit more, um … what’s the word I’m looking for? … oh yeah! I should be more appreciative (lol) of my teacher. The other reason why I should be thankful is that I have not written a thing. I really hate when Rolf is right (lord knows I do!) but he’s right. There is absolutely NOTHING that is getting in my way of writing. There hasn’t EVER been anything that has gotten in my way. Even when I didn’t have the right software (which now thanks to Uncle Randy I will - thank you SO much U.R. for buying me Final Draft! You are a Godsend and I absolutely love you for giving me such a great present with out me even HINTING at it. I’ve hinted to other people about that damn program but never to you *smiles* so it was really sweet that you saw I needed it for class and went ahead and got it for me!) I didn’t have an excuse for not writing SOMETHING. Even before I knew what plot points were I certainly had ideas in my head and I certainly could have written them down. The sad truth about me - when it comes to writing in particular - is that I have this fear factor that haunts my sweet ass whenever it comes time to really do that one thing that I really love. And truth be told I will find all kinds of excuses or reasons for not doing any of it. First I needed to de-clutter my home so I could think. Um - I decluttered and I still didn’t write. Then I thought - okay - I need to take a class or something - so I took a class. Still did not write (and this was before the current class I’m taking.) So then I thought what I really need is a writing partner - but then I sort of have sabatoged those friendships in various ways so they can’t hold me accountable for writing. Ok - so then I thought what I needed was books - paper - a printer - a lap top - um… a brain transplant. The truth is - while all of these things will help me TREMENDOUSLY (especially that brain transplant) I have had the ability to write every single day - at least something - and I haven’t done it. So ok, Rolf, you got me. Once again. I’m not even mad about it anymore, honestly. I’m too tired of my tired ass excuses to be.

Wow - that could be a downer of a paragraph, couldn’t it? I’m going to leave it as is, though. Summarizing things and giving some clever little solution makes for a tidy blog, I admit, but I’m tired of making promises I have no intention of keeping. What’s that saying about Bullshit walking? yeah. So…

On Thursday I took my Algebra test and I got 9/10. Right - for all you smart asses out there…(I can hear you now … 9 out of 10 wrong, CeCe?) There was one question that I really just freaked out about - but I worked it out and I still got the wrong answer though it made ALMOST good sense to me (my answer) - so hey - I’m happy that I at least got 50 percent of the process correct while solving the problem. Course there is no “almost” in math. Either it’s right or it’s wrong - but like most things in my life I’m realizing that there is some poetry to a process that really should be honored/appreciated. If you do things enough and there is a rhythm to it that seeps into your brain … hey … eventually you’ll grow some confidence, right? I’m trying to cultivate that in my relationship with this whole Math thing. It’s cool how sometimes you’ll do a problem and your fingers just fly about and you piece things together and you come up with the right answer and you wonder HOW the hell did I just do that? Practice hasn’t made 10/10 perfect but it certainly has helped me grow a bit more confident about a subject that use to give me panic attacks. Progress is a good thing.

Friday - Saturday I signed in and took quite a few calls. I don’t remember having such a busy weekend since last month! I had a really great time - met some great new callers I’m looking forward to knowing/exploring/spoiling/being spoiled by/teasing/humiliating and seducing. Whew! I really like those calls that just fall in line with the types of calls I like to do - my personality - etc. It’s like meeting a new friend and you’re stumbling all over each other when you talk. It’s not due to your not knowing when they are done talking or whatever - it’s due to your “energy” really. The way in which you already know what the other person is thinking - what they need - and you’re so excited that your words are boiling over onto each other type energy. I sold some more pictures to a great admirer - and also got more feedback than I remember receiving in a long, long time. That’s always nice to see! Oh - and I also received a really nice tribute from a long lost caller who called me up for a great hour role play. If it was simply about the “money” and “job” situation I would call tomorrow a day of rest, go to church and absolve myself, and do some laundry - but um… I don’t wanna! *grin* I will be on probably late morning/early afternoon. At least I’ll be on alerts if nothing else. Then I’ll log in for a few hours before calling it a night and getting some rest for Monday classes. I gotta talk to Tiffy and Mama Tee about revising my schedule ONCE MORE - as I’m going to have to be available during Saturday DAYs more often. I had forgotten how much fun I have on Saturday mornings - in my pjs eating cold cereal and excusing myself to take calls and be naughty in between my favorite cartoons.

Ok - so yes - I still love my little man, Jackson. And yes - he’s still testing his limits every chance he gets. My Doc, hearing my anguish about the torn up pee pads (Jackson now tears 3 of them up daily whenever I leave him alone for more than 5 minutes in his play pen - which consequently has every toy imaginable from every Pet Store in Southern California!) bought me the wizdog I had mentioned a few posts back. That should help with much of my pain. Jackson is just a bit stir crazy. He is outgrowing his little cozy room in the kitchen and has gotten a taste of freedom and peeing on area rugs. He is not an easy one to contain any longer and often times, yes, I ask myself what the flying fuck I was thinking by getting a PUPPY at this point of my school year. But then I pick him up to take him to bed with me at the end of the night - and hold him on his back in the crook of my arm, you know? Like a baby. He looks up at me and kisses my arm, fingers, any bit of skin he can lick, and I just melt. He yawns and the smell of his puppy breath (which always gets me) intoxicates me. And then I remember the “why”. I got him because a part of me really needed it. Hopefully I didn’t get him as a further excuse for not writing - but more for a sort of inspiration that I so badly needed. It is indeed much more of a responsibility than I ever imagined but one that I’m happy to embrace. A lot of this is just him being a puppy and I really can’t take it personally - or like he’s some asshole that is setting out to make my life more difficult, you know? Jackson has… completed me by being something I can so easily give my affections to. If I was a guy with this cute puppy Jackson would also be getting me laid. Seriously - this dog is cute…everyone says so.

Alright … I’m going on alerts while I watch a movie and doze off for a few hours before I face the end of my weekend. I’ll speak with you soon - if not tomorrow then definitely Monday (12:00-2:00pm, 7:00-12:00 is my tentative plan) Thanks again to all those who gave me such sweet feedback - and for the new callers I had the pleasure of meeting. Looking forward to many more sweet encounters!

I got 30 minutes. I already fell asleep in this chair 15 minutes ago - woke my tired ass up and spent another 10 minutes or so staring at (through) my computer monitor. I gotta get some sleep. 6:00AM comes really early … much to my surprise. Seriously, I’m use to falling asleep by 6:00AM - not waking up by that time. Even more strange (stranger than CeCe waking up before 10:00AM) is the fact that I haven’t set my alarm clock once since school started. Ok - so it’s only been 2 days - but still! Me waking up before 10:00AM with out an alarm clock? That’s like a miracle, really. Maybe not making a blind man see miracle - but definitely water into wine type miracle!

Jackson sleeps with me - well at the foot of my bed in his “crate” like a good puppy should - and I bolt out of bed around 6:30AM so that he can pee. When I open up the crate and hold out my arms he walks into them … all drowsy and sweet like. Then he starts to whine. I imagine he’s telling me how full his little puppy bladder is because as soon as I put him down on his puppy pad he unleashes what can only be described as a small pond. I always just stare in amazement - not because I’m into the whole toilet type thing - but more because I’m wondering how the hell my little son managed to hold it that long and never complain to me about it. Of course I always express my delight in his toileting - and I often laugh at myself for doing it. yeah - I’m still somewhat impressed with how quickly I’ve joined yet another club.

Remember - there was the MAC club of which I am still a member. So much a member that my desk top computer which is a DELL sits and looks at me like - “um - could you finger me now and then just for old times sake, bitch?” Now that my MAC club status is in full bloom (I’m already trying to plan for a IMAC desk top…maybe I’ll be lucky enough to get one for next year…) I’ve entered another club: Pet Owner Club. Like the Club O MAC - Pet Owner Club sort of snuck up on me. I started going to PetSmart every Saturday and this was before Jackson even arrived on the scene. I kinda looked in on the other owners and followed a few of them around the store, touching things they touched and listening in on conversations they held with PetSmart employees on best trainers, best doggy biscuits, best kitty litter and best brand of food. I also bought several things PRE Jackson because of course I had a list of items. This is what I kept telling myself - and after the 4th trip to PetSmart in the past month I suddenly realized what had happened. Actually, one of the employees asked me if I needed any assistance - and when I smiled and said “no” she replied, “Oh - you’re just doing your regular Saturday Shop day…” as if to insinuate that I did this, well, every Saturday or something. I actually blushed and nodded - and went to buy some chew toys. The 5 billion that Jackson currently owns is not quite enough. Plus he needs one for his overnight bag… In case he stays over night at someone’s house and needs something to chew on. What? It’s necessary.

Just one more thing about PetSmart because I realize that part of being in the PetSmart/Pet Owner club is that no one really is as interested about trips to PetSmart (or any pet store) as you are. Their eyes start to glaze over and they begin to yawn when you tell them some cute story about some cute thing your cute dog did - and they literally begin to bob their head when you talk to them about the toys and outfits (yes, I said outfits!) you found for your pet/son during one particular great shopping trip. Humor me. So the “one more thing” about this club - is that people at PetSmart are really crazy. Honestly. Especially the older ladies that own cats. This one lady struck up a conversation with a rather attractive black man at Petco - and when she saw his white wife and their gorgeous human children (I did have to specify - because they could have fur children as many people at PetSmart call their pets) she remarked really loudly, “Are you sure those are your kids? Oh - they’re your kids for another year or two until the tests come back, right?” I just stared at her. She had never met these people in her life! I must have gasped or drawn attention to myself in some other way because her attentions suddenly were on me and she started to tell me all about her much younger boyfriend (she was dating her best friend’s son…. um…. call opportunity?!) and then told me all about her cats and how she kept young and (her words - not mine!) freaky. As I walked out of the store I met up with her again - and she hugged the huge statue of the Dinosaur or whatever that thing is in the entry of the store - chatting the whole time about how she was tired of nursing old men and now she had a young man to nurse her. I realized as I left that this was the new club I had entered. The club of cleaning up poop from your animal and thinking nothing of it, kissing your dog after you know he’s been chewing on his paw that walked thru the poop before you cleaned it up and thinking nothing of it, dressing your dog up in clothes and taking pictures of it because you feel it’s cute, showing people on your families cell phones the picture of your “kid” and thinking it’s absolutely normal to do so, striking up conversations with other pet owners because they are the only ones that now “get you” and your strange obsession with your pet, scratching off Staples (gasp), Best Buy, and even Linen and Things/Bed Bath and Beyond off your list because there aren’t enough Pet items in the store to make walking in the store even worth your while, surveying restaurants, stores, and other public places to see if you and your pet will be welcome - and I could go on because the most obvious clue that you’ve become part of this club and know the secret hand shake is the ability to go on and on and on and on and on even though you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you’re boring the ever living hell out of the non pet owning humans you’re speaking to.

School is a riot. My screen writing class is an absolute joy. My teacher is an accomplished (and I am laughing while saying that… 2ns knows why - I’ll tell the rest of you but only on the phone because - yeah - it’s “top secret” - *slaps knee*) screenwriter himself so he has some great tips for writing for Hollywood. I value his opinion - but I wouldn’t be CeCe if I didn’t have some issues with his teaching, right? While I appreciate his wanting his students to pitch ideas to Hollywood and write stuff that we can actually sell and blah blah blah - I am also wanting someone to give me the idealistic “write your story, CeCe - and it will sell itself” type Hollywood/FairyTale shit I’ve grown up to and basically watched my entire life. I guess you only get to write that type of stuff after you play the game for X amount of years, right? Then no one cares if you do a period piece (lol) because by then you have a ton of people ready to invest in just your name and box office brilliance? Somehow I don’t think that Mike Myers is going to come out with his life story any time soon though - even if he wanted to. He has a definite “niche” right? He’s not going to do anything different I don’t think…unless he gets a ghost writer or something, maybe. Ok - so that’s my screen writing class. My sign language class is okay - it’s just a little quiet (lol! - get it? ok - bad joke…). My teacher is funny and sweet and she will make class an absolute joy, I’m sure. My biology teacher is also female so there goes any opportunity to dress up(or down) in hopes for a good grade. I don’t know where the smart boys in class are or I’d sit next to them. I’m good at memorizing and our teacher gives a great study guide (sounds sexual but isn’t…) so I’ll be okay. The challenge is definitely going to be my Algebra class. I don’t even know how I managed to get into this class. I thought I was taking the idiots guide to mathematics class where we add and subtract big numbers and stuff. Apparently my placement exams thought I was smarter than I actually am. My teacher (and he’s a guy) said that I could try it out and see how it goes - but that that class will probably bore me to tears. We have lecture in that class for 30 minutes - and then we do “group” work. Are you kidding me? I HATE group work. Just let me get a tutor (someone who will laugh at me AFTER I leave the session, preferrably) and I’ll be on my way. I don’t know these people - and some of them are scary. Most of them seem to know what they are doing already, too - I need to be in the lower class where everyone is on an equal I’m so humiliated and I so suck at Math level. But I’ll see how things go for the next week. My teacher is kinda funny and a bit on the cute side, too. He’s also Married and talks about his daughter. It would be cute except he refers to his daughter when explaining mathematical things… like, “My daughter remembers this symbol because it looks like a crocodile opening his mouth…”. I don’t care if it is the greater than/less than sign that he is talking about. No one wants to know that a 7 year old understands Algebra symbols and such. That’s just…rude. )

Ok - it’s almost 1:00AM - I gotta go. I will write again - I have one more day of classes (after tomorrow) and I will write what I was suppose to write this time but just couldn’t do it. I won’t talk about Jackson again until … well… Saturday. Unless he does something really cute or learns to talk or something.

I promise.

So I was thinking today… (what were you thinking, CeCe?) Well…(! lol !) I was thinking about books. I was thinking about all the wonderful books I’ve received lately - and all the books that I have yet to receive - and all the books that I’ve been reading - and all the books that I’ve bought for school ($$$$$) and then I thought to myself as I was admiring all the books that I’ve gotten in the past few days (and I’ve been surprised by a TON of books!!!) this really negative doomsday type of thought came into my head: What would happen if I don’t have time to read all of these books? What would happen if I lost an eye or something (My mom always warned me about playing too hard and losing one so I have to think it COULD happen!) and I couldn’t read all the great books I have? Then I started to think about movies and I realized that I need to stop watching movies before bed. It’s a habit I got into that I haven’t been able to break. I tuck myself into bed - I put in a dvd - and I curl up in bed and watch it and usually fall asleep during it. It’s the best feeling in the world - but I think I need to stop all of that. I should read books instead. I should read and read and read and soak up all the literature that I possibly can before it’s too late!
So my new goal by the end of this year is to read 10 books. And they can’t be text books.

I’m finishing up a Truman Capote book right now called Other Voices, Other Rooms. It is by far the most poetic bit of prose I have ever read. The words just sing right off the pages and his descriptions make me want to cry they are so damn beautiful. Even as I write these words I’m painfully aware that my limited vocabulary doesn’t even touch what I really feel about this book - and that pisses me off. How can I know so many words but be struck dumb when it comes to describing such a masterpiece?

After Truman I think I’m going to read Sense and Sensibility. My 2 n’s sent me the book the other day and I think I owe it to myself to read a little bit of Jane Austen. Sorry Doc - Confessions of a Mask by Yukio Mishima will have to wait until after Jane. As an English major/Creative Writer of sorts not having read Jane will not go over well in my classes. That’s like saying in film class that you haven’t watched Citizen Kane for crying out loud. Sure I hated that movie - and I’m not very certain that I’ll like Jane Austen either - but some things you just do for the sake of Art and image. *wink* While I’m reading these books I also am going to be reading another book called Conversations With Wilder by my 1st ever brain crush Cameron Crowe. *double sigh*. I received a package from Nationwide Education and Learning today and that masterpiece practically jumped out of the envelope and into my willing and capable hands. When I say that I’m growing moist from the book (I’ve already read the foreward/introduction to it) I am so not kidding. As much as I love my hitachi wand - Conversations With Wilder blows that little electric tool clear out of the water. I’m serious. If I was on a deserted island and had to choose between my wand o pleasure (sorry again, Doc) and that book - I would choose that book and use my fingers to masturbate with. Come on… did you really think I wouldn’t masturbate at all on the deserted island? *shaking my head*.

What else is on my list for the end of the year? Harry Potter - the series, of course. Thanks to my dear sweet Uncle Ralph I will be wading into the Harry pool and enjoying every inch of the water. My 2 n’s also sent me a book of writing exercises that he will be doing with me. It doesn’t really count that much as a book - but I’d like to finish all the exercises in it. The Secret Life of Bees & The Mermaid Chair (both by Sue Monk Kidd) are also on my list as well as Invisible Man by Ellison, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency. That may be more than 10 books - but I’ve always been a bit of an over achiever.

And yeah - I’ll still be going to school. And yeah, again, I’ll be working here, too - taking calls inbetween pages. *wink*.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again (and again and again and again) - one of the things I will inevitably ask you (so please prepare ahead of time…it will save us time and perhaps even a bit of embarrassment at being put on the spot!), is: “What are 10 books that you’ve read that have impacted your life - that you would recommend to me - and that you feel are essential books to have on your shelf”? You may feel like just jotting them down now and sending them to me via email. You may even feel that 10 books is somewhat limited and wish to give me 20. You may sheepishly tell me that you don’t read - or that the book of CeCe is the only book that has caught your attention in the past 20 -30 years. I would of course call you a liar (and quickly send you free minutes for the compliment!) but it may be pretty darn close to the truth. That is okay. It’s really not - but hey… you already probably feel badly for not having read in 20-30 years so who am I to pound more nails in your coffin of guilt and shame? Whatever your reaction to your little “assignment” - please know that by the end of the year I will be looking for more books to add to my wish list - and will be sitting here twirling my blonde hair in between my fingers, batting my pretty hazelish eyes at you, and hoping that through this little bit of flirtatious persuasion you buy me a few books off my list. You do want to faciliate my higher learning, don’t you (flutter flutter, twirl twirl…)?

One last quick thing before I leave…(because I said that I would…) I have a new little friend that I’m so enjoying these days. Tiffy Tiff Tiff Tiffers is so damn adorable. I loveth her like a flower loves the spring. (lol!) I do, Tiff. She is so fun to torture and so delightfully pretty in pink that it warms my heart. When we speak together it just … makes me want to paint her toenails, sit her on my lap and play in her hair. Tiff has expressed a desire to belong to only me and I’ve allowed the game of wooing me to commence. What is so special about this whole thing is that I became suddenly aware of her putting me through the same mental gymnastics for HER attention! All is fair in love and war, huh, Tiffy? This is my third call with CeCe. I’ve seen words like ‘awesome’ ‘amazing’ ‘great’ bandied about, all true. I’ll add my take. CeCe is flat out, pedal to the metal FUN FUN FUN! I am really enjoying our time together and through the calls we’re getting to know each other and our play is getting that much better because of it! Oh this girl is a KEEPER - DIBS!!! lol Anyway CeCe is yummy and I can’t wait for another taste! - sincerely, Chatty Cathy *thumpity thump thump thump*

I’ll be around in the afternoon for a bit (Sunday afternoon) and then will be returning for the evening… (probably 7pm - whenever) - and will be on Monday morning until the afternoon 3:00pm/4:00pm PST or so - and then on again from 8pm-midnight. I have school on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday remember - evenings will be cut short but I will be on when possible.

I better run - it’s 2:17am now and I need to sneak off to bed and read some homework before I sink into Truman Capote’s poetry. Please know that through your calls, gifts, and confidence - you’ve all secured a remarkable page in my heart. I will treasure your stories for a very very long time.

My old bedroom had these floors that had the appearance of wood, but I think it was some imitation cheaply made substance instead. I had roomed with my brother for many years until it became apparent to my mother that I was ready for my own room. The boys were shoved into a smaller room down the hall with bunk beds and one closet shared between them that smelled slightly of old tennis shoes and wet socks, and I - the darling little girl got my dream bedroom: pink curtains, closet with mirrors on the doors, and a window dressed up in lacey curtains with a perfect view of our front lawn. I was in heaven.

I can not remember how I first discovered it - and I have several stories that involve the act I performed under my covers - but the details of how these activities entered my head is all one big blur. What is exceptionally clear, however, is that I was an active masturbator and I knew that what I was doing was very, very bad.

I mentioned the floors in my old bedroom because it is important to the story, believe it or not. I have only told my one true friend this little fact that I’m going to share with the universe (lol) so pay very close attention. Somehow - somewhere - and sometime I discovered that if I put a little marble inside of my panties and rubbed it around on my clit - that it felt good. Then I discovered that I could somehow squeeze it inside and move it in and out of the opening with the my vaginal muscles I didn’t know/realize I had - and it would feel EXTREMELY good - then I discovered that if I placed a pillow inbetween my legs with the marble inside of me - and squeezed the pillow that I could move the marble in and out, too. And finally, I discovered the sound the marbles made in the middle of the night as they rolled out of bed and onto the floor. Sometimes it would wake me up - and often it would wake up my parents. My mother would come into my room and pick up the marbles and never return them back to me. I’m pretty sure she knew what I was doing with them…but she never ever ever ever mentioned it to me - just picked up the marbles and went about her business I think. The next evening I would find another marble, usually in the game closet, and again fall asleep - and in the morning, once again, the marble would be gone. My brother’s bag of marbles quickly diminished, the chinese checker game never had enough marbles to play again - and no one ever confronted me about my marble fetish.

Isn’t it a bit odd that in a family that never talked about masturbation - here I am on NF encouraging, promoting, and faciliating masturbation? Maybe it’s relief that I can now finally talk about sex so openly with my callers that makes this job not only interesting and rewarding, but also just … therapeutic. Maybe it’s the talking about it that makes me not feel like such a freak, makes me open my eyes a bit wider and take in different points of views. I’m not going to elevate myself to a sex therapist or anything like that, especially since alot of the time I feel my callers are more sane than I am - and you’ve all been my therapists. This whole experience on NF has helped me re-write alot of my past and helped heal parts of my past that I never really got to speak to anyone about. I find acceptance here.

Imagine instead of my actual experience something like this instead: my marble rolls across the floor and stops short of your foot. You bend down and pick it up. Okay - maybe you’d smell it or something (lol) but eventually you’d hand it back to me. Okay - maybe you’d pocket it - and replace it with a new one. You’d probably take a mental note of the size of marble and the next time you were at a toy store pick me up another bag of them - because you, dear readers, would understand…(You see it coming, don’t you? *sigh* I can’t resist) Losing ones marbles is never a good thing. *wink*

I start school tomorrow… tuesday-thursday I will not be available until after 6:00PM PST. I may be on a bit earlier in the afternoon for a few hours here and there (would be around 3:00PM PST) but that’s not for certain… Monday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday I’ll be available in the mornings if need be. I’ll keep you posted.

Off to bed I go!

For one brief summer I was a nanny. Not Fran Drescher the Nanny - just CeCe the nanny. 3 Children. And I was barely old enough to be … well, their mother, obviously - but I was more of an older sister to them, it felt like.

I had my own room and I was away from my parents for the summer, and I thought that was by far the best thing EVER. Especially to a girl my age.

The family owned a farm - and I’m not sure what kinds of crops they grew - but it was a very very large large large farm and they had migrant farm workers that worked in the fields from sun up to sun down, it seemed like. Lexie, a daughter of one of the families, lived in a small trailer on the grounds, and during my free time we would play together. But I didn’t have that much free time. I still remember the smell of the trailer though… it was sort of like the smell of corn, probably from the tortillas her mother would make and fry and fill with the best tasting meat I had ever tasted in my 13 years alive. We would sit on this sort of couch/bed thing and just exist together because with her limited English and my limited Spanish - that’s all we really could do. Sometimes we would walk in the fields and watch her brothers, uncles, and father work - but we knew that we could only do that for a brief moment before they would put US to work.

When the kids were in bed for the evening, I would wander downstairs to Mr. E’s library. He had tons of books - mostly on agriculture or politics or other boring things, but every so often I would come away from the library with a book. I would carry it up to my room and read and read until I fell asleep. I loved reading, even then.

One evening while I was searching his bookshelf for the next big novel I could read, I ran across a book turned pages out. It seemed out of place - it was a small paperback and pulling it out of it’s hiding place I realized that it had no cover. I flipped it open and read from the very top of the page and my heart just tapped slowly to a near stop. The Happy Hooker.

Now I knew that I probably shouldn’t be reading such a book - but I also knew that neither should Mr. E. He was a friend of our families, a christian man, and someone who I just never equated to having a book quite like that one. I figured in my juvenile, curious mind that if HE was allowed to read such a book - then I surely was. I tucked the book under my shirt and drifted up stairs to read it.

I don’t even remember the details of that book. I remember leaving at the end of the summer and not putting the book back into the hiding place, though. And I remember my father coming to my room and telling me that what I had done was really wrong and that that book was a very old book that Mr. E. forgot that he had - but it certainly wasn’t the type of book for a little girl to read. I remember being mortified - and wishing that I had spent a little more time with Lexie eating corn tortillas. I remember that the Happy Hooker was actually very happy and I wondered why and kept reading the book to figure it all out. I remember thinking that Mr.E. was a fool to even admit that he found the book because I wasn’t about to confess to finding the damn thing.

I remember turning down a few pages - dog earring them I believe the correct term is - that were particularily engrossing. I remember that there were quite a few dog ears. I remember the sound the book made, that last night on the farm, when it slipped thru the crack of the bed and headboard - and landed on the hard wood floor.

You know what I don’t remember besides the details on those dog earred pages?

I don’t remember turning those dog ears back over.