I realize that a bunch of time has lapsed since my last confession entry and I’m sorry.  It had to be that way because things were literally just crazy for a few weeks there.  First, I was a victim of an online crime of gi-normous size and consequence (lol!) that resulted in my having to change my direct deposit bank and call up and wait long periods of time for everything to right itself after the horrible wrong that was done.  Then I had finals: a huge final in geography covering 7 chapters of wind patterns, clouds and rain stuff, erosion and other weathering stuff, and a few map quizzes thrown in for good measure.  And I almost forgot about the currents.  Ah, the lovely currents and trade, easterly and westerly winds.    I also had a final with my English Pervie Professor From Hell (EPPFH) which consisted of an in class essay on The Kite Runner and a 75 question extra credit grammar test.  Yeah.  It was a busy week.  After I survived finals I then crashed, only to log in and take a few calls between bouts of consciousness for about a week or so.  Then it was Christmas and shopping and wrapping and in between those things I still was trying to log on and work when I could.  I was also going to the gym because it was the only way I could regulate my anxiety during the finals and Christmas Shopping.  And then it was Christmas and now … almost the end of the year.  I had to come in and wish everyone "Happy Holidays" and hope for everyone a prosperous and enriched New Year.  Let’s save the New Year’s Resolutions, shall we?  Let’s just hope this next year is a bit more hopeful and a whole lot healthier for not only the Earth, but each other.  I fuckin sounded like Jerry Springer just then, didn’t I?

So as you can tell by this entry - I survived finals.  I tried to start early with my Geography Final - but I was still organizing my notes up until the moment I sat down to do the test.  I have this ritual, you see, of redoing all of my notes and reorganizing everything.  Before analysis (lol - doesn’t that sound so mature?!) I thought it was just another procrastination thing I did, but now that I’ve spoken to the good Dr for several months I realize that organizing and rewriting things is my way of remembering things.  The whole different color pens and pencils and illustrations and teaching other people about things I am learning, etc. is just my way of committing these things to my memory bank.  Apparently it works.  But not with out a whole lot of drama.  Because I am so visual with my learning, I made a trip to Office Depot, Staples less popular and rather geek-y younger brother.  Sorry, it’s true.  I walked into Office Depot because it was close to the gym I go to, with a goal in mind: Sticky notes.  50 dollars later I make my way to the counter where I start reassessing my purchases.  "Do you really need this, CeCe?  Nah.  Put it back.  What about these pens?  Yeah - definitely need to keep them.  But what about these?  Nah … put those back, too…"  So I set aside a few things and tell the Office Depot Clerk that I won’t be needing them but I’ll take the still substantial pile of things that looks like a good 40 bucks still, even after the "save".  This little clerk looks me in the eye, I kid you not!, and asks, "Can I ask you why you won’t be taking these items?"  …

"Pardon?!"

"Why don’t you want these?" He asks again, more boldly this time, his beady little cashier eyes burying their way into my very soul as if looking for the answer there.

…

…

Yeah.  That’s silence from me.  Because I can’t believe that in all my life I have never been questioned on my "go backs" before in a store, and I’m now considering whether or not this is a new practice in lieu of the "R" word (recession).

"Um.  It was an impulsive moment — and I realized I didn’t need those after all."

"Oh."  He says, still looking me in the eye uncomfortably while making no move to ring up my purchases I DO want, "because I was going to offer you a discount."

It’s now apparent that we’re having a little stare down.  I uncomfortably hold his gaze.  I don’t say a word.  He hasn’t offered me a discount, I don’t think there is a discount that exists, truth be told, and if there is a discount, I should have been aware of it when I walked in the store.  I’m not buying a car, here, I’m fuckin buying sticky notes and note cards and pens!

I win. He breaks my gaze, needing both eyes to locate the scan gun and the bar codes on my items. "Okay," he says with a nervous laugh,"Your total is 40.03."

I couldn’t get the hell out of that store fast enough.  Later, at the gym, I tell my Nazi trainer what has happened and her eyes get as big as mine must have been as she wonders, too, what will happen when she goes shopping later that evening.  Her shopping experience has been, in a blink of an eye, altered.  Ruined. "It’s a different world out there."  I warn her looking at her ominously. "I would suggest hiding the things you don’t want and not bringing them to the cashier with you to be put in the ‘go backs.’"  I say "go backs" making the quotation marks in the air as if to suggest that "go backs" is a historical word like cassette tapes — something that exists only as a fond memory in the corner of your mind.

"Yeah."  She says in a quiet scared voice.  "I don’t know what to do…"

Today I was in the area and I glanced over at The Office Depot Store.  For a moment the thought of pens lined up in their little shiny plastic containers called to me and just as I found myself weakening and answering to the call of the pretty ink, I was snapped into reality by the windows covered in ugly brown paper.  STORE CLOSED was written in black sharpie on the paper.  Maybe the question was just a sign of desperation and not a new adopted method of cashiering as I had feared.  I felt a bit bad for Office Depot.  But I’d be lying if I wasn’t a little bit relieved, too.

I didn’t even use my supplies from the store.  I didn’t get to the note cards, I was still copying over my information onto my notebook paper.  I did look up my grades for both English and Geography, however, and I managed to get 2 A’s.    Yeah me.  Perverted English teacher and Wind Patterns, Wave formations, and currents couldn’t stop me from achieving my A’s I so desperately wanted!

I also survived Christmas.  I managed to survive not giving everyone everything they wanted for Christmas, and even though I still have a few presents left to mail (Hey - there ARE 12 days of Christmas, are there not?!) I didn’t do so bad.  I realized this year that I so badly wanted to show the people I love how much I really did love and care for them and sometimes you just can’t do it with money because even if you had all the money you wanted (this is a long ass sentence that is need of a comma somewhere but I’m out of school right now so I’m not gonna bother, k?) you still couldn’t show someone how much you cared and loved them with a present.  It’s just not possible.  I use to think it was.  But it isn’t.  I mean - I don’t think there is one thing on my wish list that anyone could buy that would tell me exactly how much I mean to them.  I’ve had some great presents, don’t get me wrong, but I think that presents don’t transform their way into a feeling easily.  I tried to give gifts that represented a little bit of what I felt and how the other person made me feel, but … it’s hard.  Tiffy had to remind me several times that it’s the THOUGHT really — knowing that you crossed someone’s mind on a special day — that matters most.  I thought Tiffy was full of shit — but then I started to think of the things you all have given me and the fact that no matter the size of the gift or the price of the gift - the fact that you thought enough to send me a word, picture, tribute, gift, or smile made a huge impact on my life and did my spirit wonders.   Believe that.  So thank you all for the tributes, gifts, notes, calls, and "business" this year.  You have impacted my life with things you have said, delighted me with secrets you’ve entrusted me with, cheered me with gifts of your friendship, lusts, and fantasies (giggles), and truly impressed me with your courage in trusting me to hold your secrets safe.  I hope you never have to say "Pardon" to me (wink); that you know you can always "go back" and try something different or not at all.  Most of all, I wish you a very safe and blessed New Year full of every delight you can ever imagine.  If I’m invited to be a part of that in some part next year - great - but if you discover and hold tight to the delights you receive …. all the better.

Happy New Year, Friends!

I am sorry my logging in has been so — random. I’m currently in the middle of finals preparation. I have 2 more weeks before the semester is done. I am looking forward to a week off before I do my online class during winter break - and then back to school with math and philosophy and a few labs during the Spring Semester. I’m taking donations for my books. Stop looking for the “lol” at the end of the sentence. There is none. I’m dead serious. Clicking and paying the $50 dollar tribute will buy a half of a book at my bookstore. Every half counts. If you don’t know what to get me for Xmas you can always send me a tip with the condition that I spend it on books and tuition and not lipgloss, pens, and toys for Jackson. Not that I would do that with tribute money. I’m very responsible.

I have a killer bruise on my wrist. I’m not sure if it’s from the Nazi or what is going on. It hurts to type. It’s turning a really neat greenish blue color - with a hard tender spot in the middle of the bruise. It’s almost on the bone - but no worries. It’s not broken. Unless that would get me out of doing my Geography project.

Oh! Do you know what today is? It’s my anniversary!! 2 years ago I started on NF. I should see who my oldest customer is (who still calls me. I had the whole new girl on the site popularity for about 2 weeks and I have not seen nor heard from those who stole my cherry since. They just came - (literally) threw me down on the bed - had their way with me - left me a few gold stars - and never looked back. *sniff* I was so nervous. And my braces were just new, too. I was lisping really horribly and I was so nervous that no one would understand me because I had recently had an expander put in that made me sound like I belonged on a special yellow bus. Tiffy — you’ve been around since almost the beginning, haven’t you? You were here before Rolf, that much I know. Joe was pretty new, too but he’s MIA. (watch him make an appearance now that I’ve mentioned his name. Silly Joe) And GreenLattern. He’s been around since my pre braces days. Kidding. Though I do have pictures of me before braces. I may put them up for all my guys who are mourning the passing of TEEN CeCe. These pictures will definitely put ya all in the mood. Crooked Teeth and all. You can practically smell the “Teen” on me! *wink* So yeah . 2 years. And it’s been a great time. I’ve met a whole lot of people and taken I think at last count - over 3000 calls total on all my listings. That’s a whole lotta “Oh God I’m Cummmmming!”s!!

I know you wanted some wine and crackers and a real hot naughty fantasy and stuff on our special day — but it’s going to have to wait until after this horrible project I’m knee deep in. I swear - if anyone wants to go from the southernmost tip of South America to the Baffin Islands - and need a few places along the way to site see and shit - let me know. I have about 13 places for you all mapped out. I can tell you how to dress for it, what parks are in the area, and what the topography is. And some day when I’m even OLDER than I am now - I will put all this to use, more than likely during dinner parties, where I will be rubbing my toes in my dinner date’s lap - giggling as he gets harder and harder and tries to cover up his excitement by clearing his throat.
730 days and 3000 calls later… I’m still enjoying what I do. It’s been a great ride — and I’m not getting off (the ride!) any time soon. No worries. This isn’t a good bye speech. It’s just a … Good God I’ve been around for a bit, haven’t I? speech.

More later. Wish me luck. And someone look up the biome of Topeka Kansas, please? I’m busy trying to figure out what mighty wind is blowing on La Serena Chile. And after I figure that out I have to solve World Peace via a few virtual hand jobs and slurps.
Hey… we all do our part.

It’s official. You are hearing it here first. I am no longer a teen. I turned the big 20 yesterday and sorry for not making a big deal out of it - but I just felt that it was an ending of sorts and definitely not one I wanted to face. I’ll try to explain a bit later in this post, but first I do need to say thank you for the boys who actually did remember my big day with out my typical pomp and circumstance I usually throw around here on my bday and Christmas’. I say that somewhat sarcastically… I just have not been one to announce the big day like that. It isn’t even a chance to test you guys to see if you will remember - I just think that bdays aren’t that big of a deal anymore - and I actually feel funny asking for things on that day, especially in today’s economy and so close to Christmas. I figure I’d prefer a Christmas gift anyway (grin). That’s what my family basically did: waited until Christmas and then made up for there somewhat pathetic bday gifts, always done at the last minute while shopping for the turkey. Not that I’m complaining. Much. So thank you: Tiffy, SBJ, Karl (VERY sweet gift, sweetie!!), Uncle Randy, and those of you who wished me happy Bday on our calls together. **MUAH**

But this year it was really one of those things I did not want to mention on here because I knew that if I announced it, I would have to figure out what I was going to do about the big departure from TEEN wet dream into the world of just wet dreams. I thought for awhile that I would retire once I reached the point where I could no longer call myself a teen. And I’m aware of the fact that there are some characters on Niteflirt who never age, and no one really cares … but just as my braces will eventually come off (less than a year and counting) so must I lose the “teen” in my name. How will it sound when someone calls me up and asks me how old I am, and I say “twenty.”? *click* I figured that retirement was as good an option as any. I wasn’t going to go suddenly. I would have had a party. Balloons, ice cream cake, a big candle in the shape of a penis. You know the kind. *wink* But yeah, I figured turning twenty was a sign to hang up my phone and headset and go into retirement.

I’m not going to retire. Come on. I’m not even done with school now, and there is a recession going on out there — and retail is not having a great time. Retail is what I’m best suited for, being a ‘young adult’ and all. So I’m going to sit still for a bit longer. I may change over to a different domain, but more than likely that will happen once my braces come off and I’ll turn into a young adult and leave the teen thing behind me. Even Peter Pan had to face growing up , you know.

So school is going. I got a perfect score on my Geography Map Quiz by the way. Ask me where the Canary Islands are. Go ahead, ask me! Geography is about to hit an intense level. We’re learning all about currents and wind patterns and other stuff I can’t even repeat…that’s how lost I am. But as lost as I am, I’m still getting a solid B+ in that class. After our field trip this weekend, I’m sure I’m getting an A+. We went to see the butterfly um .. what is it called? Farm? Reserve? and it was by far the prettiest thing I had ever seen. Then we went and looked at wave patterns on the beach. I’m not lying. We looked at wave patterns and then we also picked up rocks and tried to figure out what caused what topography. I kept on looking around this certain bend after hearing that that is where Santa Barbara University was. Can you imagine going to school on the damn beach? Come ON! Is it possible to get any work done at all? I saw quite a few students out tanning and surfing that day and also quite a few walking through the forests where the Butterflies hung in their little pods from the Eucalyptus trees. I have to go back there with Jackson. He’d freak out over the waves, but he’d really dig the Monarch butterflies, and the hike would wear his ass out big time!

English is a joke. I had mentioned once that I loved my teacher, but that love has quickly turned into a hate I can’t even express. I’m going to mention something in here now knowing that my readers will be sensitive and not ask me to do some sort of warped fantasy. I can do a fantasy about any other kinky freaky professor except for this guy - because it’s just too real to the truth. This is what happened. I wrote a paper about milk and how it’s not a good thing to drink. It’s an argumentative paper, I’m not going to get into it because I’m bored with it already. It’s a good paper but … yeah. Anyway - so I’m talking about milk and the milk commercials and I mention that it’s kind of sexual in nature, the whole milk above the lip thing and sexy models in these tank tops and fit bodies drinking it and blah blah blah. I don’t mean anything other than “sexual” in a very LOOSE term. Why the fuck did my teacher write on my paper “some people call it cum shots?” ???!!! Why???!!! Can anyone tell me in what world is that appropriate? I’m so not even lying. Not only did he write this on my paper, but then he announced it in my class that he wrote it on my paper too. While I was busy trying to figure out why the fuck he felt he could write something on my paper like that (to my knowledge he is not a caller!) I started to feel the eyes of every fuckin male student in my class looking at me wondering what it is that I knew that made the teacher write something like that on my paper. Seriously, I could feel them assessing me - checking me out in a very uncomfortable fashion. There are fantasies and then there are realities, and this, my friends, is a most creepy and gross reality. Before that gross comment my teacher has had other stupid things to say, too. About the Holocaust: “Get over it - lots of people have suffered.” About Koreans, “I didn’t know my son was mine … he ate so much rice I thought my wife had an affair with the postman … he’s Korean.” About Black people, “I told my friend once - hey - at least I can change color!” you get the picture. I was getting a C+ in my English class after I got straight B’s on my papers and Essay - but then I missed handing in a paper and got a C+. I handed in my paper last week though and I got a A- on it, but got counted down to a B+ due to it being late. Hey - I’ll fuckin take it. But I won’t take comments of cum shots on my paper. I still feel dirty - and I have done/talked about far more dirtier things in my life, trust me. Just somethin’ about a comment like that outside of niteflirt makes me way uneasy. Strange, huh?

In order to process all this stress of school and work and life and the uncertainty of our futures - I’ve taken my stress to the gym. I hired a nazi, let’s call her Elsa, and she kicks my ass 2 -3 times a week. I went to see her today and my finger tips hurt. I stepped up and down on a platform holding on to a weight that made me immediately decide against breast implants. My goodness - I practically tipped over holding onto 10 pound wheel of a weight. How ever do you big titty women keep your balance? Elsa says things to me like, “Do you want the easy way to do this next exercise, or are you ready for a challenge?” Damn her. How quickly she learns. All you have to do is put “easy” in front of something and “challenge” in front of the other choice - and you know I will do it. “So CeCe - do you want to deep throat me on your knees which is the easy way? Or do you want the challenge? You’ll be on the bed - on your back - with your head over the edge - and I’ll lower my 10 inches down your throat and you try not to gag. Which way do you want?” Shit! 10 inches of course!!! lol. In all honesty, though, I’m competitive as hell. It’s a good thing most of the time, but often I just set myself up for pain. Which I am experiencing now. But I love it. I absolutely love it. I love lifting weights, and doing girl pull ups, and doing balance work and core work and going 4.2 MPH on the treatmill on a 6.0 incline for 45 minutes. I enjoy sweating like a pig - walking out of the gym past all the muscle dudes, and knowing that I kicked my own ass and that I’m strong and capable and sweaty! It’s a great, great feeling. It’s also a great way to release a whole lot of worry, anger, grief, pain, etc. with out hurting anyone!

There are so many ways that we can deal with discomfort, hurt, stress, anger - and most of these ways that we use to cope will land us in the hospital soon enough. Cigarettes, overeating, stress, tempers, destructive lifestyles, not asking for help (or directions), etc. are just really counter-productive. One of the ladies I met while working at the gym a few years ago was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. I house sat for her - and she was so alive and energetic and … I can not even bear to call her up and talk with her. But I know I need to because she’s not going to be here for long. I promised myself that I would not be one of those x-smokers who nagged people to quit, and I’ve really kept that promise. But today I’m just going to end my long waited for post by saying that there are other ways to relieve stress. You could go look at some monarch butterflies or take a walk on the beach if you live in sunny southern California. You could join a gym - all the money you’d spend on cigs will surely pay for a membership, won’t it? You could also masturbate to a favorite movie or pictures (I will be updating my galleries very soon!!! I mean it this time!!!) or even call me for some release. However you decide to release some stress - I hope that you are able to release some so that you are more able to enjoy this holiday season coming up. You’ve all been such great gifts to me this year and I appreciate each and every one of you. Even calls that weren’t “perfect” or “five star” quality taught me a lot about myself and helped me to grow into the mature 20 year old I am today. Happy Holidays!! May your days and nights be Merry & Bright!

Tuesday: 11:00AM - 3:00PM, MIDNIGHT - 3:00AM - (later if needed)
Wednesday: 12:00PM - 3:00PM, off and on Wednesday evening - Thanksgiving preparations under way.
Thursday: Will try to log in once everyone passes out from the Turkey - but no promises. If I can make it it will be after 7:00PM PST.
Friday: TBA
Saturday: TBA
Sunday: TBA
*Feel free to make an appointment or email me if you need me to be available during a specific time for you. I will do my best to accommodate. *

Update to schedule: 11/26/08 — my late nites and school is catchin up with me! I’m actually going to take a nap. Yeah. A nap. It does a body good! I will be logging in and out intermittently throughout the next few days - but will try to keep you abreast of my comings and goings. How much innuendo can I use in a sentence?

So, who the hell do I think I am? I disappear off the face of the blog-o-phere for a little over a month and then just waltz on in like nothing is wrong. The nerve, eh? I can’t really speak for three of the four weeks of my disappearance. Come to think of it, I can. I was busy trying to find an excuse for where I’ve been. At first it was just an excuse for one day, but then led to twenty-one days. Yep. That’s where I was for twenty-one of the thirty or so days of my disappearance. What about the other seven? Like you had to ask! For the past seven days I have been sucked into the black hole some like to call The Olympics. Now some of you know exactly what I’m talking about because I haven’t seen many of you for a very long time either! I catch a few of your sleep deprived asses at the 24 hour grocery, loading up on the groceries after realizing one can not live on pancakes alone. Others I’ve beeped my horn at a few times after you’ve fallen asleep at various stop lights around town. Others of you have taken breaks in your Olympic viewing to give me a quick call, probably while the really interesting sports like Badminton are on. You certainly won’t be calling me up during Rhythmic Gymnastics or the ever popular sport, Synchronized Swimming, especially that team from Spain. Gotta love what batteries can do now a days, huh?

I tried to resist this whole Nationalist Patriotic Laughable Display Of Camaraderie. Sorry. It’s true. I never got into the whole cheerleader thing unless it was accompanied by an older male teacher-coach who, for special favors, elevated a not so talented Cheerleader to Head Bitch after a few exchanges after Cheer leading practice. I never was one to cheer for the home team until I was hoarse, and I didn’t like the whole sitting in the bleachers while the home football team clobbered an unfortunate team from the school down the street. I like sports alright, I’m just not an enthusiast. I was on the gymnastics team for too many years, as well as the dance team and the whole competitive stuff wore me out. I also did the whole debate team, music competitions and speech competitions, too. I liked all that stuff - emphasis on the word liked. Now I just get bored. Or so I thought.

One evening it happened. I walked into a room and the Olympic theme was playing. The fanfare of the trumpets called out to me, but I was strong and I kept on walking. I turned my head and the heat of the competition lured me in. I stopped in my tracks, watching the woman’s Volleyball. Wow. They were kicking some major ass. I felt the sand whip into my face as the opponents smashed the ball, forcing our sweet innocent ladies to dig into the sand, their bathing suit bottoms sliding painfully up their taunt asses. I screamed at the nerve of the opposing team, then while humming I’m Proud To Be An American, sat down on the couch forgetting all prior obligations. I had stepped too close to the black hole and I had as a result been sucked into its depths. I sat in the belly of that black beast until 2:00AM, vowing to myself to never get so close again.

I understand. I completely understand your pain. Some of you have been in the belly of that beast for a long time. You have bought stock in Visine, know exactly how many extra shots you need at Starbucks in order to make it through the day, and your wife, kids, dog, cat, or all of the above, have taken to the minute intervals of attention you can spare while the commercials play between the events. I am not here to judge you. I am here to offer you … absolution. In turn, perhaps you can forgive me for at least this past week. Deal?

The good news (at least for me) is that the Olympics are over on Sunday. We can all count how many medals we got (including those that we REALLY earned from the Chinese Gymnasts because we all know they are really only 11 years old!), pat ourselves on the back for being the biggest, toughest, strongest and almost the fastest (those Jamaicans… that’s right man!) people on the whole big Earth and focus on what is really important here in America: The Presidential Race and who is the biggest pop star.

School is about ready to start, I’m working on a masterpiece book, I’m still smoke free and walking every day (so I’m healthy and happy!), and I’m finally at long last feeling more like myself than before the operation. Kidding. Just sounded like a good sentence at the time. I really am feeling more like me though, just not because of any operation. It’s the drugs - definitely.

Enough of the jokes - quick thank you’s. And you know it’s been WAY too long you guys - so I may come back and edit this! I just wanted to thank some of you who didn’t forget about me even though I hadn’t written in this blog in a while.

Man Mountain, Cattekin, iluv69, Doug, Joe, Mark M, muzzle, Tiffy, and SBJ: Thank you ALL for the very generous tips!! (and for the subscription, Doug!!, the bracelet Mark, and the gifts D-train!) They were so unexpected and so very appreciated. Thank you so so so so much!

Chris, Zevon, Cattekin, CHburr, GreenLantern, ManMountain, Joe, redyder, stroker, Joe, iluv69, nothingbetterthanthis, bigdicforu, eminencefront, Danno, susieblue, sploosh, Tiffy, viewfromhere, britampa, jimbob, Tuls LagidorP EhT, Your phone number an, parkersan, bigmike23, whiteboots, SubbieMike, sinfully yrs, Allenawesome, drQ99, and Tomcat1066: Thank you all for your written positive feedback. Again, I know you didn’t have to - but you took the time to write a few words of praise and thanks and I really, really appreciate your generosity! Thank you a million times and then a million more!

That’s all I got for you tonight. I’m on and taking a few calls and hopefully I’ll be able to stay up for a bit. I had a late night last night, got up early and went to a block party this evening. All that sun, fun, pool, and pasta salad makes for a very sleepy CeCe - but I’m up for at least a few more hours!

Talk to you soon!

Lists have become a way of life for me. I now color coordinate them. Blue for things that are sort of optional to do. Hot pink for urgent - needed to be done “like, yesterdayyy!” and green for it would be really cool if you could find a way to squeeze these things into your schedule, too.

Funny - I always made these elaborate lists before - but never ever had any success in clearing even half of the items off the list. Of course I had lists with 30 items on it to do sometimes - but even with my lists that didn’t have all that many items to accomplish - I found myself struggling. Things are definitely much better now. They aren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination (and I know that you all have great ones!), but it’s getting better. With every list I make I gain a little bit more confidence in myself that I’ll actually get things done. I didn’t realize before how hard it is on a person to continually make promises (resolutions, lists, business plans, budgets, goals) and then to continually break those promises; one after the other. For the first few days I would write lists and just beat myself up for not accomplishing everything on it. And then I realized that I felt “okay” if I just got a few things done…well not really okay - but I wasn’t devastated. I was disappointed but not suicidal - *laughing*. Soon - I was accomplishing even more on my list. Other times I would be sitting just doing the typical disassociation that happens around 2:00PM every afternoon for me (haha) and I would suddenly reach for my notebook that I keep my lists in to see if there was something on that list that I could accomplish while just “sitting around”. I realize that there needs to be time for relaxation, too - but what you all may not realize about your dear little CeCe is that - I find time to relax. I’m just usually so riddled with guilt that I can not enjoy the time I’ve set aside to relax. I have all these other things I need to do - and I relax my way into a movie in order to avoid those things … you know? As much as I love The Sound Of Music - it’s pretty damn difficult to sing The Lonely Goatherd when you know you have a Poli Sci Test in 6 hours that you have yet to study for. Or that you should have written to your best friend and thanked her for her thoughtful card, or that you should have rescheduled your ortho appointment or called to get your teeth cleaned so you could MAKE your ortho appointment and they wouldn’t yell at you for not having your teeth cleaned first.

Welcome to my mind. Unplugged. Scary, ain’t it?

Anyway, things are beginning to look a bit better. Things are a lot easier than they use to be, but I’m still trying to settle into this mode of thinking and being. My family is happy to report my temper has somewhat subsided (I know I know - hard to believe that I had a temper, right? But I had a HORRIBLY short one. I’m learning a bit to let a whole lot of extracurricular bullshit slide far away from my path and keep it going, ya know?) and even Jackson seems better behaved. I’m not quite out of the woods altogether - but I can at least see that things are pleasant out here in the wilderness.

I’ve put writing on my list and so far I’ve managed to either write in here, or in my journal (I’m working my way to being able to write 3 pages every morning… Julia Cameron, who wrote The Artist’s Way, calls them “morning pages”) every single day. I have also started to attend a writer’s group where we read our works out loud to a group of pretty damn good writers. I’m happily the baby of the group…trying to take in what everyone is doing and reeling in my excitement at being inspired to write again. I’ve shared on 2 of the evenings so far. The second night I attended I read some of my poetry (10 or so pieces), and at the 2nd meeting I shared the beginning of my screen play I had started last year but then went in another direction because I realized that maybe it made a better novel than a screen play. I have never written a novel before in my life. But I have plenty of books to tell me how to do it (like you all didn’t notice I collect books on writing!)! But as manic as I’m sounding right now - it’s not with fear that I write all of this. I don’t have the same sense of … anxiety when I think about the things I want to do - and the things I want to try. Before I guess I felt that maybe I would never let myself actually do them. I was worried that I wouldn’t have time; that I would put these things down on a list of things to do and that list of things to do would never get done. I would wake up the same way I do now … but instead of feeling euphoric about the choices I had and the many paths I could choose - realizing that any step I decided to take would be the right one, I instead felt this feeling of … anxiety (that’s too easy of a word), panic (still too easy), sadness (getting closer), dread. Yeah. Dread. blah, right?

**deep moment alert - skip over if you’d like to - read at your own risk**

So yeah - I’m finally getting to love this CeCe you all get the pleasure of seeing most of the time. *wink* I’m just getting to know her - I mostly keep myself company with the dark side of CeCe that many of you never get the chance of seeing. And you should all thank me for that during our next call together. Of course if you are the 2 or 3 that have seen this “side” of me along side the other CeCe (this is when I start feeling a bit like Sybil…talking about myself like I’m a dual person or something?) I suppose that would make the 2-3 of you actual true friends of mine. I should be thanking you, then for showing me how 2 of me can co-exist and create an okay kinda girl, right?

**End too deep moment - Curtain raises - lights go up**

Alright - I’m very much aware that I have a few surprise gifts that came in during the past week - and that I need to fully organize myself so that I don’t inadvertently miss someone. I also have been hanging onto a piano piece for quite a while… Karl (My directionally impaired slave (in training) ) sent me this sonatina book off my wish list a while ago, and I felt that it would be a treat to play something and upload it as part of my podcast. Well - it ended up being this huge practice session - complete with me cussing and screaming over hard passages - and saying “oops” a lot and laughing at myself. It’s pretty revealing and Ed was kicking my ass a bit more than usual and I didn’t get it “up”. I am still trying to decide if it’s just too much to reveal to post it. Seriously, I sound so absofrickenlutely adorable cussing and screaming while I make mistakes playing classical music. LOL! Fuck it - I’ll probably post it … let me see if it makes it to my list.

So podcast and thank yous I still need to “tie up”. Probably soon after Mommy’s Day. My son Jackson (the doggy) is going to be taking me out so … I don’t know when I’ll be back at the computer to upload anything. You understand I’m sure. *wink*

Look for me after 10:00PM tomorrow evening. I was on really super late this evening and had a long hypnosis call on my new listing. It took a lot out of me (whew - some of you all go a bit crazy/wild/kinky with those trigger words!!) so I signed off not soon after I ended the 60 minute call. I won’t be that late tomorrow - or today I guess - Saturday Evening. I’m not planning on going out or anything … so I can be on around 10:00PM PST - till kind of late I am thinking … unless we have church to attend to on Sunday (Someone has to pray for you all! *wink*). I’ll try to nonchalantly ask about it with out seeming too eager NOT to go if you know what I mean. There is an art to being a teen and getting out of responsibilities so you can play with your friends. It’s a very powerful gift/tool which requires much responsibility when using it. Sunday I will be logging in for a bit but not sure what time yet. Probably Evening … definitely evening… after 9:00PM I hope. We might be eating dinner later for some reason but I’ll try to stay on top of that and let you know of any changes. Notice I said “try”. yeah. I know my limitations

Gotta go. Much to do tomorrow and it’s already 3:28PM. Must….sleeeeeeeep….

Thanks for all of the comments, letters, sweet prezzies (cash) and extended calls just so you all could tell me you’re there and you get it - and you’re supporting me and will support me in any way you are able to. It was just what I needed/wanted most.

Oh - and since I made a promise about a certain movie collection on my wish list - SBJ - I adore you, love you and I’ll try to make this the first week where I’ve been able to write 3 times. We’re counting Sunday as part of this week, right?