So, who the hell do I think I am? I disappear off the face of the blog-o-phere for a little over a month and then just waltz on in like nothing is wrong. The nerve, eh? I can’t really speak for three of the four weeks of my disappearance. Come to think of it, I can. I was busy trying to find an excuse for where I’ve been. At first it was just an excuse for one day, but then led to twenty-one days. Yep. That’s where I was for twenty-one of the thirty or so days of my disappearance. What about the other seven? Like you had to ask! For the past seven days I have been sucked into the black hole some like to call The Olympics. Now some of you know exactly what I’m talking about because I haven’t seen many of you for a very long time either! I catch a few of your sleep deprived asses at the 24 hour grocery, loading up on the groceries after realizing one can not live on pancakes alone. Others I’ve beeped my horn at a few times after you’ve fallen asleep at various stop lights around town. Others of you have taken breaks in your Olympic viewing to give me a quick call, probably while the really interesting sports like Badminton are on. You certainly won’t be calling me up during Rhythmic Gymnastics or the ever popular sport, Synchronized Swimming, especially that team from Spain. Gotta love what batteries can do now a days, huh?

I tried to resist this whole Nationalist Patriotic Laughable Display Of Camaraderie. Sorry. It’s true. I never got into the whole cheerleader thing unless it was accompanied by an older male teacher-coach who, for special favors, elevated a not so talented Cheerleader to Head Bitch after a few exchanges after Cheer leading practice. I never was one to cheer for the home team until I was hoarse, and I didn’t like the whole sitting in the bleachers while the home football team clobbered an unfortunate team from the school down the street. I like sports alright, I’m just not an enthusiast. I was on the gymnastics team for too many years, as well as the dance team and the whole competitive stuff wore me out. I also did the whole debate team, music competitions and speech competitions, too. I liked all that stuff – emphasis on the word liked. Now I just get bored. Or so I thought.

One evening it happened. I walked into a room and the Olympic theme was playing. The fanfare of the trumpets called out to me, but I was strong and I kept on walking. I turned my head and the heat of the competition lured me in. I stopped in my tracks, watching the woman’s Volleyball. Wow. They were kicking some major ass. I felt the sand whip into my face as the opponents smashed the ball, forcing our sweet innocent ladies to dig into the sand, their bathing suit bottoms sliding painfully up their taunt asses. I screamed at the nerve of the opposing team, then while humming I’m Proud To Be An American, sat down on the couch forgetting all prior obligations. I had stepped too close to the black hole and I had as a result been sucked into its depths. I sat in the belly of that black beast until 2:00AM, vowing to myself to never get so close again.

I understand. I completely understand your pain. Some of you have been in the belly of that beast for a long time. You have bought stock in Visine, know exactly how many extra shots you need at Starbucks in order to make it through the day, and your wife, kids, dog, cat, or all of the above, have taken to the minute intervals of attention you can spare while the commercials play between the events. I am not here to judge you. I am here to offer you … absolution. In turn, perhaps you can forgive me for at least this past week. Deal?

The good news (at least for me) is that the Olympics are over on Sunday. We can all count how many medals we got (including those that we REALLY earned from the Chinese Gymnasts because we all know they are really only 11 years old!), pat ourselves on the back for being the biggest, toughest, strongest and almost the fastest (those Jamaicans… that’s right man!) people on the whole big Earth and focus on what is really important here in America: The Presidential Race and who is the biggest pop star.

School is about ready to start, I’m working on a masterpiece book, I’m still smoke free and walking every day (so I’m healthy and happy!), and I’m finally at long last feeling more like myself than before the operation. Kidding. Just sounded like a good sentence at the time. I really am feeling more like me though, just not because of any operation. It’s the drugs – definitely.

Enough of the jokes – quick thank you’s. And you know it’s been WAY too long you guys – so I may come back and edit this! I just wanted to thank some of you who didn’t forget about me even though I hadn’t written in this blog in a while.

Man Mountain, Cattekin, iluv69, Doug, Joe, Mark M, muzzle, Tiffy, and SBJ: Thank you ALL for the very generous tips!! (and for the subscription, Doug!!, the bracelet Mark, and the gifts D-train!) They were so unexpected and so very appreciated. Thank you so so so so much!

Chris, Zevon, Cattekin, CHburr, GreenLantern, ManMountain, Joe, redyder, stroker, Joe, iluv69, nothingbetterthanthis, bigdicforu, eminencefront, Danno, susieblue, sploosh, Tiffy, viewfromhere, britampa, jimbob, Tuls LagidorP EhT, Your phone number an, parkersan, bigmike23, whiteboots, SubbieMike, sinfully yrs, Allenawesome, drQ99, and Tomcat1066: Thank you all for your written positive feedback. Again, I know you didn’t have to – but you took the time to write a few words of praise and thanks and I really, really appreciate your generosity! Thank you a million times and then a million more!

That’s all I got for you tonight. I’m on and taking a few calls and hopefully I’ll be able to stay up for a bit. I had a late night last night, got up early and went to a block party this evening. All that sun, fun, pool, and pasta salad makes for a very sleepy CeCe – but I’m up for at least a few more hours!

Talk to you soon!

Lists have become a way of life for me. I now color coordinate them. Blue for things that are sort of optional to do. Hot pink for urgent – needed to be done “like, yesterdayyy!” and green for it would be really cool if you could find a way to squeeze these things into your schedule, too.

Funny – I always made these elaborate lists before – but never ever had any success in clearing even half of the items off the list. Of course I had lists with 30 items on it to do sometimes – but even with my lists that didn’t have all that many items to accomplish – I found myself struggling. Things are definitely much better now. They aren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination (and I know that you all have great ones!), but it’s getting better. With every list I make I gain a little bit more confidence in myself that I’ll actually get things done. I didn’t realize before how hard it is on a person to continually make promises (resolutions, lists, business plans, budgets, goals) and then to continually break those promises; one after the other. For the first few days I would write lists and just beat myself up for not accomplishing everything on it. And then I realized that I felt “okay” if I just got a few things done…well not really okay – but I wasn’t devastated. I was disappointed but not suicidal – *laughing*. Soon – I was accomplishing even more on my list. Other times I would be sitting just doing the typical disassociation that happens around 2:00PM every afternoon for me (haha) and I would suddenly reach for my notebook that I keep my lists in to see if there was something on that list that I could accomplish while just “sitting around”. I realize that there needs to be time for relaxation, too – but what you all may not realize about your dear little CeCe is that – I find time to relax. I’m just usually so riddled with guilt that I can not enjoy the time I’ve set aside to relax. I have all these other things I need to do – and I relax my way into a movie in order to avoid those things … you know? As much as I love The Sound Of Music – it’s pretty damn difficult to sing The Lonely Goatherd when you know you have a Poli Sci Test in 6 hours that you have yet to study for. Or that you should have written to your best friend and thanked her for her thoughtful card, or that you should have rescheduled your ortho appointment or called to get your teeth cleaned so you could MAKE your ortho appointment and they wouldn’t yell at you for not having your teeth cleaned first.

Welcome to my mind. Unplugged. Scary, ain’t it?

Anyway, things are beginning to look a bit better. Things are a lot easier than they use to be, but I’m still trying to settle into this mode of thinking and being. My family is happy to report my temper has somewhat subsided (I know I know – hard to believe that I had a temper, right? But I had a HORRIBLY short one. I’m learning a bit to let a whole lot of extracurricular bullshit slide far away from my path and keep it going, ya know?) and even Jackson seems better behaved. I’m not quite out of the woods altogether – but I can at least see that things are pleasant out here in the wilderness.

I’ve put writing on my list and so far I’ve managed to either write in here, or in my journal (I’m working my way to being able to write 3 pages every morning… Julia Cameron, who wrote The Artist’s Way, calls them “morning pages”) every single day. I have also started to attend a writer’s group where we read our works out loud to a group of pretty damn good writers. I’m happily the baby of the group…trying to take in what everyone is doing and reeling in my excitement at being inspired to write again. I’ve shared on 2 of the evenings so far. The second night I attended I read some of my poetry (10 or so pieces), and at the 2nd meeting I shared the beginning of my screen play I had started last year but then went in another direction because I realized that maybe it made a better novel than a screen play. I have never written a novel before in my life. But I have plenty of books to tell me how to do it (like you all didn’t notice I collect books on writing!)! But as manic as I’m sounding right now – it’s not with fear that I write all of this. I don’t have the same sense of … anxiety when I think about the things I want to do – and the things I want to try. Before I guess I felt that maybe I would never let myself actually do them. I was worried that I wouldn’t have time; that I would put these things down on a list of things to do and that list of things to do would never get done. I would wake up the same way I do now … but instead of feeling euphoric about the choices I had and the many paths I could choose – realizing that any step I decided to take would be the right one, I instead felt this feeling of … anxiety (that’s too easy of a word), panic (still too easy), sadness (getting closer), dread. Yeah. Dread. blah, right?

**deep moment alert – skip over if you’d like to – read at your own risk**

So yeah – I’m finally getting to love this CeCe you all get the pleasure of seeing most of the time. *wink* I’m just getting to know her – I mostly keep myself company with the dark side of CeCe that many of you never get the chance of seeing. And you should all thank me for that during our next call together. Of course if you are the 2 or 3 that have seen this “side” of me along side the other CeCe (this is when I start feeling a bit like Sybil…talking about myself like I’m a dual person or something?) I suppose that would make the 2-3 of you actual true friends of mine. I should be thanking you, then for showing me how 2 of me can co-exist and create an okay kinda girl, right?

**End too deep moment – Curtain raises – lights go up**

Alright – I’m very much aware that I have a few surprise gifts that came in during the past week – and that I need to fully organize myself so that I don’t inadvertently miss someone. I also have been hanging onto a piano piece for quite a while… Karl (My directionally impaired slave (in training) ) sent me this sonatina book off my wish list a while ago, and I felt that it would be a treat to play something and upload it as part of my podcast. Well – it ended up being this huge practice session – complete with me cussing and screaming over hard passages – and saying “oops” a lot and laughing at myself. It’s pretty revealing and Ed was kicking my ass a bit more than usual and I didn’t get it “up”. I am still trying to decide if it’s just too much to reveal to post it. Seriously, I sound so absofrickenlutely adorable cussing and screaming while I make mistakes playing classical music. LOL! Fuck it – I’ll probably post it … let me see if it makes it to my list.

So podcast and thank yous I still need to “tie up”. Probably soon after Mommy’s Day. My son Jackson (the doggy) is going to be taking me out so … I don’t know when I’ll be back at the computer to upload anything. You understand I’m sure. *wink*

Look for me after 10:00PM tomorrow evening. I was on really super late this evening and had a long hypnosis call on my new listing. It took a lot out of me (whew – some of you all go a bit crazy/wild/kinky with those trigger words!!) so I signed off not soon after I ended the 60 minute call. I won’t be that late tomorrow – or today I guess – Saturday Evening. I’m not planning on going out or anything … so I can be on around 10:00PM PST – till kind of late I am thinking … unless we have church to attend to on Sunday (Someone has to pray for you all! *wink*). I’ll try to nonchalantly ask about it with out seeming too eager NOT to go if you know what I mean. There is an art to being a teen and getting out of responsibilities so you can play with your friends. It’s a very powerful gift/tool which requires much responsibility when using it. Sunday I will be logging in for a bit but not sure what time yet. Probably Evening … definitely evening… after 9:00PM I hope. We might be eating dinner later for some reason but I’ll try to stay on top of that and let you know of any changes. Notice I said “try”. yeah. I know my limitations

Gotta go. Much to do tomorrow and it’s already 3:28PM. Must….sleeeeeeeep….

Thanks for all of the comments, letters, sweet prezzies (cash) and extended calls just so you all could tell me you’re there and you get it – and you’re supporting me and will support me in any way you are able to. It was just what I needed/wanted most.

Oh – and since I made a promise about a certain movie collection on my wish list – SBJ – I adore you, love you and I’ll try to make this the first week where I’ve been able to write 3 times. We’re counting Sunday as part of this week, right?

Every now and then I look around at my life and start counting my blessings and realize that I’m pretty spoiled. It’s not every day that someone asks me what I want – but when they do I exhibit every bit of teenage wanton desire and pick out a few hundred items that I feel I really need. Wishing has never been a big issue for me. I’m not by any means a princess, though several of my customers refer to me as one. SBJ in particular. I realized a few months ago that I go through these periods where I feel that if I have just one more thing that I really super duper want that my life will be complete and I will be able to sit back satisfied. This tends to happen right at some crucial moment; taking a big exam that I know I will not do very well in, getting into a fight with a best friend, sliding behind on homework or any other one of my responsibilities, etc. etc. When I’m at my most content, however, I’m able to look at my life and feel totally and completely sated. It is usually at these times that I get flooded with all types of gifts and treasures and friendships and callers and calls and compliments and … well, good stuff.

I don’t always take the time out to express my gratitude for all of you and your gifts, tributes, etc. But I felt that it was over due – so consider this post one gigantic-normous Thank You Card from me – to you.

A while back while I was watching Oprah I saw what had to be the best collection of movies I had ever seen in my life – 90 of them – all from UA Artists and dating from 1940 – 2004. I knew I HAD to have this collection – after all, movies (and writing) are my life! I placed this collection on my wish lists stating that who ever bought it for me I would express my love to them on my blog and that I would promise to blog at least 3 times a week. Even this tempting offer didn’t raise many eyebrows – but finally SBJ heard my plea and asked me a simple question: Did I want it. Of course I said yes – but I did so with a certain amount of hesitation. This collection was very expensive and I really felt it a luxury – not one like let’s say a coach bag or a pair of (ahem) diamond earrings (which he also bought for me!) or anything – but a luxury still the same. I would not even be able to watch all of the movies at once – like I often run through series (over a long weekend) – this would be a collection that I treasured for the rest of my life. But I said yes – and a few weeks after I said the magic word – the collection was mine. Thank you so very very very very much, Scott, for this amazing collection of movies. I know that it was terribly expensive and that it was certainly not easy for you to come by (long back story) but I so appreciate your sacrifice in order that I should have exactly what I wanted. I will have no problem mentioning your name in my 3 posts a week and will remind everyone that they should thank you for the updates. (lol)

Along with the UA Movies I have also received: Cooking Mama & the New Super Mario Bros. along with the Nintendo DS Lite (Pink) and Organizer (also pink) from Mr. D., Hoyle Casino 2008,Rode Mic and Stand, 4 books (Podcasting for Dummies, Syndicating Web sites with RSS Feeds, PHotoshop CS2 for Dummies, Photoshop CS2 Top 100 Simplified Tips & Tricks), Popcorn, Popping OIl and Popcorn Maker, and the 7th Season of The West Wing all from SBJ, Nintendo DS Lite Travel Kit & 3 books (The Book of Bright Ideas, Saving Fish From Drowning and The Other Boleyn Girl) from Rolf, 2 movies (August Rush, Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium) from Alex, The Beekeeper (Tori Amos) Cd, Songbook: A collection of Hits (Trisha Yearwood), Mozart Edition: Complete works (170CD Box Set) and Bach Edition: Complete Works (155 CD Box Set) from Doc, Body Shop Shea Butter & The Book of Sonatinas from Karl in London, A divine white gold anklet & VS merchandise from Tiffy (yahoo!), and even Jack got his beloved Premier Busy Buddy Tug A Jug from Craig. (whew)

Brian, Chris, SBJ, Paul, Hardallday, footstool, Thor, Mathew, chburr, sweetdee, Mr.D.,Mike & Rick: Thank you all very much for your most generous tips and cash-ola! Very much appreciated and needed – especially when I had to take off a week from work in order to take care of my health.

This is not in any way shape or form meant to take away from the generosity of all the people who were able to send gifts and cash – but I do not want to ignore the fact that many of my customers call me – sometimes more frequently than they need to – in order that I live a very blessed and fruitful life. Don’t think for a minute, guys, that I don’t see the time that you spend with me – and the loyalty that you display by calling me frequently (and then some) as one of the biggest gifts of all. So thank you to all of my “die hard customers”: Brian, Michael, Danno, Chris, Thor, Shawn, Mack, Matthew, Mathew, Guitar Gently Weeps, Jerod, Rick, Tiffy, Kevin, Ray, bigdicforu, Jay, Catwoman fan, my sweet obama lover rockstar (speaking of BITTER! *wink wink nudge nudge*) and last but not least Copperlord. Please forgive me any omissions – blame my flakiness and not my heart, please.

So as you can see – I, CeCe, am “kind of ” spoiled indeed. I have been blessed to the moon, to the stars – and back again and I have all of you to blame/thank for it. Thank You from the bottom of my heart. You have blessed me, enriched my life, tickled me, softened my knees, elbows, heart – made me twinkle, bling and shine and engaged my mind in more ways than I could ever express.
My only wish is that I’ve somehow spoiled you all in return.

Many x’s and o’s.