Just a quick note - then back to studying I go (can anyone tell me the way to Maldives Island? Anyone?  Bueller?).   I completely realize I have treated you like red-headed step children for the past 3 months now.  My posts are pretty non existent, my updates are a joke and my scheduling promises read pretty much like the campaign promises of future/past/present leaders.  Because of this great track record I can’t even say "I’ll do better" with out sounding a bit like some babby daddy on the Maury Povich show (yeah - I watch, and?). 

But I promise I will do better. 

This is what we’re looking at for today’s schedule:

1. Geography Test soon - and studying and shower.  Not necessarily in that order - or I’d be pretty much one failing stinky student.
2. Work out at the gym tonight for 45 minutes (brisk walk while listening to some pretty happy energetic music on my Ipod and reading cspan on the televisions.
3. Limp to my car, drive home, log in and work on various projects I have going all at once in true A.D.D. fashion.
4. Consider blogging on these topics of interest while logging in to take calls around 11:00PM (perhaps sooner - but you know how Tuesdays are for me…):

   My Bday

    My C In English
    My Schedule for the rest of the week
    The Nazi at the Gym
    Retirement

5. Take Shower - floss - waterpick - french braid hair - say my prayers - and go to bed.

So … that is my plan. I need to go now so I can do the first thing on my list… studying.  So far I figured out my countries (just ask me where Myanmar is… go ahead - I’ll show you on my handy dandy map, I will!) but I have islands left to do and about an hour in which to do them.  Wish me luck … we’re heading towards the finish line and I’m running neck in neck with a Kenyan (Did you know, Obama, I ask him, trying to distract him.  He puts his fist in the air, I raise it in solitude - lose my pace, stumble, and fall even further behind.  Sneaky bastard, I think to myself, wondering where Kenya is in comparison to Sudan which is ON my map test, today…)

Talk to you soon.

I have so much homework to do. I have been busy working now for the past 2 hours (perhaps longer) - not counting last nights reading assignments that took me about 2 hours, too! - and I have not made a dent.

But I know myself. I will sit (as I’m sitting now) and find something to do - anything but the hell that is waiting for me. Please remind me next summer to NEVER EVER again take 2 full 4 credit classes in 4 weeks. Put my hands over my head - pin me against the wall - and … wait. I’m getting excited and may just do it again to get that type of punishment.
KICK MY LITTLE ASS if I ever do this to myself again. Ok? Ok!

I’m just quickly stopping in to tell everyone who may be looking for me tonight that it’s not going to happen. It just isn’t. I thought at the beginning of the day that maybe - just maybe - I could log on tonight and do a few calls. But nah uh. It’s not going to happen. I thought that maybe I could go on alerts - or take a few calls now and then but I know myself too well. I know that I would sit here and not work in between calls. I would do it because not only do I enjoy talking with you all but I’d also be using you as very entertaining distractions from the work I need to do. I know some of you are thinking, “use me… use me…” and you will be dealt with in a few days. Others of you are looking at your watches and pushing me away from the computer so I can hurry up and get done with it already. I’m leaving. watch…

Speak with you in a few days… I may be on tomorrow evening for a bit before I pass out from my (what seems inevitable) all nighter.

Pray for me.

Just a quickie, in other words.

I will probably write more a bit later … but just wanted to let all who “stumble” here know - I will be on later this evening (that would be Saturday). I have been invited out with my family to a going away type of party thingee - and will be coming home probably by 9:00PM (PST) - 10PST at the latest. I am planning on staying up for a long long time… so you’ll probably catch me.

Oh - and remember when I said that some of you are going to get a reallllly lovely present from me sometime soon? Well - are you just balancing at the edge of your seat?

You should be!

Gotta run!!! I’ll write more later - promise.

Her last name had cock in it. But somehow her name escaped the taunts of highschool children. It was as though she was protected with a fine layer of repellent that nothing evil could penetrate. Everyone loved her. I was no exception.

She taught a bunch of subjects in our tiny little school (English, Voice, Psychology) and had gone to a college that only the finest teachers had attended. It was a well-known Minnesota college - Lutheran and liberal arts. My father had attended that same college - and his siblings - and virtually everyone in the little town of less than 1000 people. The fact that she had gone there just made the college (not her) that much more revered. At least in my 13-year-old mind.

I sought to be involved in everything she was involved in and that included an after school activity I didn’t even know if I was good at. I ended up winning two state titles. My name and picture were in the little town’s paper - and that was a big deal. I use to save all the clippings but have since lost track of them.

She had the neatest writing I have ever seen. When she wrote on the whiteboard it was as though she were drawing flowers and stems and leaves instead of words like Freud and Cognitive and Self Actualization. I would sit in her room during lunch period while the other children consumed heavy amounts of cheese the consistency of paste and pasta the texture of rubber. She would grade papers and I would pretend to read. I would look up from my desk and just stare at her frosted blonde hair and her blue blue eyes and love her. I simply worshiped the ground she walked on.

She was my very first friend. My best friend. And when I later moved, she wrote long letters to me in her flower cursive. I would read the letters over and over and over again and I would rub my fingers over the part that said she loved me as though the words themselves were made out of silk.

It had been awhile since I had had friends as important as she was. Women friends. I sometimes catch glimpses in friendships I’ve developed with men, but they always seem so much more complicated than the one I had with my English teacher. Even though I was in love with her, you see, I never thought of actually fucking her. It wasn’t that I wasn’t attracted to her. It was just that our relationship was so much deeper than a physical relationship. I wanted to crawl up inside of her and just stay there forever - I didn’t want to actually kiss her or have some physical relationship with her or anything. I wanted to be near her. And I envied her children because they got to be tucked into bed each night by her - and kissed awake by her in the morning. I would often wonder if they knew how lucky they were.

I quit the gym the other day. I just couldn’t take it anymore and it was clear to me that they just had other ideas about me - and how to run the place that didn’t go along with what I thought. It’s a rather long, complicated story that right about now (at 3:14AM in the morning) doesn’t seem to matter that much. But I went back to the gym this afternoon so that they could kiss my little ass. Afterwards I worked out a bit - and talked to the ladies there, reassuring them that I would know if they were working out and to not use my leaving as an excuse to get all out of shape and weak again. Little ladies just grabbed me and held onto me and squeezed my cheeks and told me how wonderful I was. Other women slipped me their business cards and told me to call them if I needed anything. Other women called me and asked me how I was and if they (the management) had mistreated me. Still others called me up and invited me to bar-be-ques that would be held in my honor. I received letters and note cards and little gift certificates from women who just wanted to tell me how lovely I was and how much I had helped them while I was there. They urged me to keep in touch with them and to let them know if I was going to be in the area and we “could do lunch” and just “catch up.”

So I have this fascination with girls. And women. I like looking at them - but they have to be a certain type. I don’t think anything turns me on more than self confidence, tenderness and . . . brilliance. I don’t entertain fantasies of fucking women. I know that people find that hard to believe - or I should say - I know that men find that hard to believe - but there it is. I don’t. I don’t get off on watching women fuck each other, either. I’ll watch - but I can’t ever sit there and masturbate - I just watch like I watch Hell’s Kitchen. It’s entertaining and a bit mystifying, really. But I could totally have a relationship with a girl. I would even sleep with a girl IF there was some sort of spiritual bond or something. It wouldn’t be about sex - but more like wanting to climb inside of her soul - and realizing that maybe if I placed my tongue on the most intimate of her parts I just might get there quicker.

I don’t know what made me write this entry. Well, maybe it is because I know that by not working at the gym and working with the women I was working with I’m giving up quite a bit. There was a sort of . . . community that was so drama free it was scary. We had stuff that went on due to management stuff and an occasional tiff or whatever - but overall - we would just bond together. Talk about our lives - children - school - boyfriends - husbands - recipes -politics - the latest movie and the last book we read. I’m going to miss that tremendously. And even though I plan on working out there and joining another gym with a few other women - it still just feels slightly different and I’m a bit scared that I’ll lose that part of me that felt confident and competent and able to stand tall among other women. I’m afraid I’ll start thinking like so many other women I see - who doubt that that type of honest, true, and just really tender relationship can exist.

I got home from the gym not so long ago and I kicked my own ass. It’s strange… I thought that I didn’t really have the ability to push myself that hard with out having to prove something to my clients and by that I mean: I would push myself so that they would see that I wasn’t above sweating like a pig if things had to come to that. I knew that they were looking to me to do things - and I knew that I had to be some directional beam for them to follow and so I pushed myself for them. But ever since I quit my job (did I mention that I quit my job? Oh - I didn’t? Well, I quit my job. Long story and a rather boring one - but I quit the main job at the main gym I work at. I’m still teaching a few classes here and there at a nearby gym - but the main job has gone bye bye) I’ve been wondering if I could really push myself for ME.

Tonight I got my answer.

I put on my little pink shuffle and I got my ass to work. I worked so hard my arms ache right now. I worked so hard that my boobs were sweating. You know that not so attractive stream of sweat that kinda runs down a woman’s shirt when she’s working out … yeah. Matter of fact, I think the small of my back and the top of my ass was sweating too. I mean I kicked my own butt back and forth and around the gym. I did pushups galore - and then did crunches on the ball and then I just sat there on the yoga mat stretching and drinking my water thinking to myself … DAMN! I feel good!

I had never though of myself as having those little endorphin moments. I told others about it because as a trainer that’s my job to do. “Keep it up hon and those endorphs will start kicking in and you’ll have enough energy to do 30 more minutes … you can do it!!” Yeah - that was me. And God Save The Queen, I was right! I was on a physical high. I felt good and stronger and ready to take on anything and everything. My head was clear and I wasn’t tired and groggy anymore. All the tension and anger I had been feeling earlier was soaked up in the little white towel that hung around my neck. I felt fantabulous.

I guess not working at that gym and just working out there will be good for me after all. Thought it might be a little difficult, but turns out it felt just perfect.

Earlier today I had a little bit of an endorphin moment also. It wasn’t just the calls I was getting - and for the past few days I have gotten a good share of calls (with a significant amount of newer callers, too…) - it was the caliber of the calls that I was getting. It was as though every caller and I just “fit”. Sometimes after I say hi and the guy says hi there is this moment that I wonder if we’re going to “stick” or not. But 99 percent of my callers that I’ve had for the past few days have stuck like glue. It’s like we just get each other. After the first few calls I just got this burst of energy and excitement like this … yeah - like this endorphin high. I felt like I could talk all nite (and practically did) and I was just in my zone. It’s almost like I gave off this vibe and the people who thought it stank stayed far away (lol) and the people that thought it smelled pretty damn good came in closer for a bigger whiff. I’ll get to a few of the nice things I’ve heard in a minute… but before I do…

I wrote this note back to 2n’s the other day which was so full of things that I didn’t want to say - even though I didn’t write a word about them. It was as though my feelings had hidden messages to them and they were peeking out all through my email at him. And so he called. And the most amazing thing happened… he said, “We’re just gonna talk.” Now to be fair, 2n’s isn’t the first person to have said this to me - but what was so amazing about it is that he knew to do it because of the note I had written to him that was filled with all kinds of angst, I guess the right word would be. So he just wanted to see what was up. And boy did he get an ear full. The result of this phone call is - I realized - that I need to start being a bit more clear about my intentions - and about my expectations - and about my limits. I don’t necessarily need to run people over with it - but I do need to be clear about them myself and more than clear be happy and satisfied with my decisions so that I can clearly communicate them to friends, family, etc. So thanks, 2n’s. You really helped me - and you really assisted me in being able to continue getting to know you with out any of that old crap tainting our stuff. You were a great friend to me today when I needed one - and I won’t forget or take that for granted.

Every once in a while people ask for my advice. I never really know if this is just play time with a twist - or if they really wanna know what CeCe would do. Hmmmm. That’s kinda catchy… I could work on that a little, I think. *wink* Ok - so anyways - So I get a call from someone and we are talking and talking and I think that maybe I should start talking about sex sometime soon. I mean - I don’t mind talking to you guys - you know that - but I’m not going to suck up all your money and then when Ms. “you have one minute remaining” lady comes on ask you to put in some more money so we can talk about the best way to prepare tuna casserole. Unless that’s your thing, of course. So I kinda try to make a segway - but poor Mr. Vin says he isn’t really ready for all that. He tells me about this trip that he’s taken fairly recently and that he didn’t realize how beautiful 18 year olds in bikinis could be. (Silly Wabbit!). So I start to give him some advice. Even though he hasn’t asked me for any. But I know a cry for help when I see hear one. I told him about all the things that little 18 year olds love about men in their 40’s. I told him about all the things he has that impresses 18 year old girls - and how better to utilize these attributes for the best outcome. I dismissed him from class after he wrote on the chalk board that he was a “stud muffin and he had something 18 year old girls wanted” 100 times and then told him school was out. So thank you Mr. Vin for the exciting time in school. I hope you have been doing your homework. I haven’t forgotten that you will be doing a field trip in a few days - and should you need a refresher course … give me a call. I’d be happy to help a student in need out. Hehehe.

One more quick mention before I get to the sweet comments for the day…

My little Dave man. How ever did we meet - and what a great and important playful relationship we are developing. Did you hear my voice change a little when you gave me some “helpful advice”? I think it was because I’m always in a more dominant role with you - so to have you speak up and tell me what you needed (which you definitely SHOULD do by the way!!!) I instantly went into some sort of submissive mode and thought I had disappointed you or something. It took me a while to recover - (like 10 seconds … which seems like a long time when something like that happens!) but afterwards I was really glad that it happened. No relationship (even on the phone!) is easy - and it meant a lot to me (and definitely was worth a mention here!) that you said something to me and trusted me to take in your notes and adapt and make it good. Thank you so much for that important lesson. I mean that sincerely, ya know.

Ok - So this post got away from me a bit… but it’s been awhile since I gave little “shout outs”.

I only really have room for one quick feedback (even though the tons I have gotten lately have been equally important and made me just as happy! ) When I read this feedback I grinned so hard I thought my cheek muscles would break. It’s so him, too… just clever and surprised almost at what a great time he had! LoL! Are you ok yet, hon? This is what my sweet caller I. said after our call yesterday:

• Well, well, well.:) I rarely leave written feedback but I feel compelled. This girl is a gem. One thing that’s rare is the ability to describe things in detail, like clothes, shoes, etc., and she really great at it, not to mention flexible and playful. And the voice is exactly as advertised, if not even better. Pleasing, young, sweet, and, again so rarely, real, not like someone trying to fake a young voice or even worse some kind of voice changing phone. Many definite callbacks and stars.

LOL! Oh my gosh. It just makes me smile all over again. First of all I. you are sweet - plain and simple. 2nd - I’m obsessive about details. I notice everything and it pisses me off sometimes that I can’t write exactly what I see. It’s like there aren’t enough words sometimes to make it clear. So I’m glad that you appreciate that! Thank you so much for taking the time to leave feedback. It means a lot to me that you left feedback at all - but when I realized that you hardly ever do my head just got a little bit bigger! I’m looking forward to describing things and making you pleased again soon. Thanks for the great call.

Ok. 1 term paper later (this diary entry) and I’m going to wrap it on up. I will be working out tomorrow around 2:00PM - and am planning on going out for a bit tomorrow evening - so I’ll try to log in in between those times if I can. I’m also planning on going out on Saturday - as well as working out in the morning - so I’ll try to log on in between those engagements, too. I think I’m going to church on Sunday (hey - Sinners have souls, too!) to ask for forgiveness for all the things I plan on doing Friday and Saturday evening. But after that … I’ll be free until (looks on schedule) Monday, I think. Scary to not have much on my calendar. Going to have to change that el pronto.

Anyways … I’ll be around this weekend - hope to speak sometime during…