I don’t blame you if you don’t. Yes, it’s me, CeCe, signing in after MANY months. And though I know it would entertain you to hear all the excuses I could muster up, I’m just gonna stick with the boring details: I was knee deep in Algebra. yup. I was in math hell for many months and just as soon as I could get my head above water, that’s when the bridge would break and I’d be over my head in mathematical problems all over again. I was barely logged in, and when I was I was often times distracted or called away from business to tackle yet another ruthless word problem. This is the time that you should all start playing violins for me. Thank you.

So now I have a month off from school and I have ever intention of catching up on some things around here. Things are starting (finally) to look up around here, and I am proud to have not given in to the panic that surrounded me. I guess the paid mails are even working fine as of late. See? Patience IS a virtue!

Some of you remembered my birthday and thank you, but I’ve stopped celebrating them. If you call me, you’ll notice that I’m 19 again. I figure it’s a good year, and that way no one has to wonder why a 20 somethin’ year old is still going under “teenwetdream”. It will be our little secret. I still have my braces on, so as far as I’m concerned, I still look like a teen, and well, I’m still fighting to keep myself well with in your dreams. Yeah, I’m still corny.

So this is really just a quick update. If I make it too long it will be another 2 months before I post it. It is Monday, the 28th of December, and I will be logging in around 8:00PM this evening (that’s California Pacific time) and staying logged in until I can’t keep my eyes open. You should call me and say hi, if you haven’t had the chance. I definitely look forward to reconnecting with some of you AND meeting new and kinky/interesting men, too! Thank you for your patience these past few months, not only with niteflirt’s issues, but with my school schedule and stuff. I’m back. I promise.

I am finally done with finals. I had to take a day to just sleep and breathe in and out for it to sink in. I am still thinking that there is something I should be preparing for. I have summer school coming up, a trip to plan for…actually 2 trips to plan for, and a few house keeping things to keep me busy — but finals are finally done with. Over. Finite. Is that how you spell it?

Can I just be real for a bit?
Thanks.

Typically I would sit and think about where this post was going, and then tie it all up at the end in a nice little package. Sometimes I don’t even try to do this at the end, but like Jerry Springer during his “final thoughts” segment, everything seems to come to some nice finish at the end. I find myself compartmentalizing things, discarding things that don’t belong in the post, thinking that I’ll have time to write it all down later. I rarely remember what I was going to write before. So. Just bear with me. This is going to get a little hard to follow – and it will sound a little manic at times. I do have a point. I’ll try to focus in on it every now and then.

So now that I’m done with school I’ve realized a few things. Ok – not DONE with school, but done with another semester of school. #1: I’m beginning to realize that I don’t have time for everything that I want to do in my life. This past week I’ve taken a road trip and done some protesting at several rallies about the state. Yup. I feel so… liberal. I realized when I was chanting and raising my home made banner in the air for all to see, that I really want to be more involved in things outside more. This is a really exciting time for us – no matter what “side” you happen to be on. And for a lot of youth (said like Vinny in My Cousin Vinny), this is our most exciting time yet. It’s our Civil Rights Movement, our Vietnam, Our John F Kennedy/Camelot, our whatever. There are so many issues right now for people — young people particularly — to get involved in, it seems a shame to NOT get involved more. So I’ve joined a few things, and am working on getting myself on the school newspaper so I can try my hand at being a journalist. At first I was on a mission simply to be involved in more things because schools look at things like that when applying for scholarships. Which I didn’t get the ONE that I tried out for at my school. Which really was a kick in the throat. Worse than a kick in the stomach if you can imagine. But as I started thinking of things that I wanted to be involved in (community organizations, volunteer programs, school sororities for 3.0 GPA students that is transferrable to 4 year schools) I realized that I really ENJOYED these things, too. It wasn’t just for show or to get money for school, you know? So I’m doing more things outside of attending classes and work and gym. Which is exciting. #2: I’m beginning to realize that I really have 2, I mean 3, jobs. The other day I got the bestest book in the whole world from a client/friend of mine. This book is the bible for writers. It gives tips on submitting stories and preparing manuscripts, and applying for scholarships, and all kinds of other useful items. I somehow think of myself as this writer, but I don’t give myself the time every day to do it. And though I’ve been talking about doing this for the past 2 years it seems (maybe more?!) I have come to the decision that this 6th month (already!) of 2009 I am going to start doing the things I know i need to do. Some of my friends in my writing group tell me that they pay themselves to write every day. They consider it a job – and put in 4-8 hours of writing non stop, even if it’s junk, they just keep writing. For 4-8 hours. And at the end of that 4-8 hours they clock out and go do whatever else they have to accomplish for the day. They even pay themselves, even if it’s a dollar an hour. They don’t let anything disturb them. While I don’t have 4 hours to do this. Or even 3 hours. I do have 2 hours a day to start with. Plus, I don’t think I can afford to pay myself for more than 2 hours! So from now on I’m thinking of my writing, school and niteflirt as jobs. And I’ll be doing at least 2 of them every day until whenever I can afford to do only one. The last thing I’ve realized is that one really has to make conscious decisions on what to do with the other part of their day. For example, sometimes I really enjoy veggie in front of the television. I tell myself that I deserve to do it because of X, Y, and/or Z. And I think that sometimes that’s just cool to do that. But I think that I have to be conscious of the many things I do that don’t contribute to my goals for Niteflirt, School, or Writing. And those little time wasters I have to figure out a way in which to eliminate or at least limit them in my life so I can have time for everything else I want to do.

Now that Spring Semester is over, I have a little bit more flexibility with my schedule. I don’t as of yet have my fall schedule. But I am planning on taking a few more classes next semester, too. At least one more class. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m currently on my Mac and it’s difficult for me to get in to make these changes – so I’m announcing my new summer hours, here. Keep in mind I do have a few vacation times coming up, but I will update you to those times as the dates get closer. I have customers that like late night hours, and some that like afternoon and early evenings. There are some days that I could log in during the mornings, and other days that … well, you get the point. I have tried my best to provide hours that fit into all of my customer’s schedules, so that at least once a week they are able to get in touch with me. If you don’t see a time that works with your needs, please feel free to drop me a line and I’ll do my best to accommodate you.

So this is exciting, yes? Little CeCe is growing up. And while that means I won’t be hanging around here as much as I use to, I do think it means that the times that I do hang around, I will be at my best for you. I will have great, new, and exciting things to share with you, I’ll have more time to write about them, and I’ll have a more active imagination and things to bring into our fantasies and role plays. Growth is always a good thing. *wiggles eyebrows up and down*

Hope to speak to you all soon. Thanks for hanging in there with me during Finals week and the week leading up to finals. I got an A in my math class (applause applause) and I don’t know what I got in my philosophy class yet. I’ll let you know when I find out. That is a whole other story though. Maybe I’ll write it up and password protect it. You can all write to me for the password if you’re curious. Just don’t want the stuff cluttering up my page. Seriously – the guy was a real… work of art. A real… pain in the ass. A real…good argument for birth control. It was THAT bad. 2 semesters in a row of great teachers. I can’t tell you how badly I am looking forward to being able to transfer the hell out of this school/college/hell.

Enough. Here’s my schedule for the next few months (subject to change during vacation times):

*****

Monday 12:00PM – 4:00PM, 10:00PM – MIDNIGHT
Tuesday 8:00PM – 12:00PM
Wednesday 12:00-4:00PM, 10:00PM – MIDNIGHT
Thursday 11:00AM – 3:00PM (times available for appts after 11:30PM)
Friday (Earlier times available by appt) 10:00PM – 2:00AM
Saturday 11:00AM (earlier if possible) – 2:00PM 10PM – 1:00AM
Sunday 6:00PM – 11:00PM

******

As you can see, I’m working quite a few hours during summer break. This time will be spent on the phone with you all, hopefully, but I will also use this time to do any maintenance work that needs to be done around my website, niteflirt pages (I see that there are some pages that still show me as a 19 year old… and while that fits with my name, it’s not exactly accurate, is it? ), uploading YTWD RADIO segments, doing custom orders for mp3′s and updating and creating new picture packages. Also, any correspondence will be done during these times FOR SURE. I may be able to respond to a few emails as they come up outside of these hours, too, but you can definitely count on me responding during these times specifically. What I will not be doing during these times: watching television, disciplining Jackson, washing dishes, eating or preparing my meals, talking to family members, driving…you get the picture. This is so that you and I have time just for us, and you never get the feeling that you’re interrupting a good movie or anything like that. If I have things that I need to do, then I will definitely log off and do them, but hopefully I’ve made a schedule that will enable me to take care of business before pleasure. Let’s see how this works out and reevaluate at the end of a week or two, yes?

I will be logged in this evening for another hour, and then I will be heading on to bed. Tomorrow I’ll follow the schedule as posted: 12-4:00PM, then 10PM – Midnight. I have an appointment at 5:00PM tomorrow, so if I get an especially long call at 3:30PM, I’ll gently remind you that I’ll need to go at 4:30 if the call has continued. You may want to call me earlier in order to make sure we don’t run out of time.

Off to respond to a few emails and write up a few custom recording requests. Talk soon! and thanks again for hanging in there with me during the final hell week/s. We made it through, though! Finally!

I realize that a bunch of time has lapsed since my last confession entry and I’m sorry.  It had to be that way because things were literally just crazy for a few weeks there.  First, I was a victim of an online crime of gi-normous size and consequence (lol!) that resulted in my having to change my direct deposit bank and call up and wait long periods of time for everything to right itself after the horrible wrong that was done.  Then I had finals: a huge final in geography covering 7 chapters of wind patterns, clouds and rain stuff, erosion and other weathering stuff, and a few map quizzes thrown in for good measure.  And I almost forgot about the currents.  Ah, the lovely currents and trade, easterly and westerly winds.    I also had a final with my English Pervie Professor From Hell (EPPFH) which consisted of an in class essay on The Kite Runner and a 75 question extra credit grammar test.  Yeah.  It was a busy week.  After I survived finals I then crashed, only to log in and take a few calls between bouts of consciousness for about a week or so.  Then it was Christmas and shopping and wrapping and in between those things I still was trying to log on and work when I could.  I was also going to the gym because it was the only way I could regulate my anxiety during the finals and Christmas Shopping.  And then it was Christmas and now … almost the end of the year.  I had to come in and wish everyone "Happy Holidays" and hope for everyone a prosperous and enriched New Year.  Let’s save the New Year’s Resolutions, shall we?  Let’s just hope this next year is a bit more hopeful and a whole lot healthier for not only the Earth, but each other.  I fuckin sounded like Jerry Springer just then, didn’t I?

So as you can tell by this entry – I survived finals.  I tried to start early with my Geography Final – but I was still organizing my notes up until the moment I sat down to do the test.  I have this ritual, you see, of redoing all of my notes and reorganizing everything.  Before analysis (lol – doesn’t that sound so mature?!) I thought it was just another procrastination thing I did, but now that I’ve spoken to the good Dr for several months I realize that organizing and rewriting things is my way of remembering things.  The whole different color pens and pencils and illustrations and teaching other people about things I am learning, etc. is just my way of committing these things to my memory bank.  Apparently it works.  But not with out a whole lot of drama.  Because I am so visual with my learning, I made a trip to Office Depot, Staples less popular and rather geek-y younger brother.  Sorry, it’s true.  I walked into Office Depot because it was close to the gym I go to, with a goal in mind: Sticky notes.  50 dollars later I make my way to the counter where I start reassessing my purchases.  "Do you really need this, CeCe?  Nah.  Put it back.  What about these pens?  Yeah – definitely need to keep them.  But what about these?  Nah … put those back, too…"  So I set aside a few things and tell the Office Depot Clerk that I won’t be needing them but I’ll take the still substantial pile of things that looks like a good 40 bucks still, even after the "save".  This little clerk looks me in the eye, I kid you not!, and asks, "Can I ask you why you won’t be taking these items?"  …

"Pardon?!"

"Why don’t you want these?" He asks again, more boldly this time, his beady little cashier eyes burying their way into my very soul as if looking for the answer there.

…

…

Yeah.  That’s silence from me.  Because I can’t believe that in all my life I have never been questioned on my "go backs" before in a store, and I’m now considering whether or not this is a new practice in lieu of the "R" word (recession).

"Um.  It was an impulsive moment — and I realized I didn’t need those after all."

"Oh."  He says, still looking me in the eye uncomfortably while making no move to ring up my purchases I DO want, "because I was going to offer you a discount."

It’s now apparent that we’re having a little stare down.  I uncomfortably hold his gaze.  I don’t say a word.  He hasn’t offered me a discount, I don’t think there is a discount that exists, truth be told, and if there is a discount, I should have been aware of it when I walked in the store.  I’m not buying a car, here, I’m fuckin buying sticky notes and note cards and pens!

I win. He breaks my gaze, needing both eyes to locate the scan gun and the bar codes on my items. "Okay," he says with a nervous laugh,"Your total is 40.03."

I couldn’t get the hell out of that store fast enough.  Later, at the gym, I tell my Nazi trainer what has happened and her eyes get as big as mine must have been as she wonders, too, what will happen when she goes shopping later that evening.  Her shopping experience has been, in a blink of an eye, altered.  Ruined. "It’s a different world out there."  I warn her looking at her ominously. "I would suggest hiding the things you don’t want and not bringing them to the cashier with you to be put in the ‘go backs.’"  I say "go backs" making the quotation marks in the air as if to suggest that "go backs" is a historical word like cassette tapes — something that exists only as a fond memory in the corner of your mind.

"Yeah."  She says in a quiet scared voice.  "I don’t know what to do…"

Today I was in the area and I glanced over at The Office Depot Store.  For a moment the thought of pens lined up in their little shiny plastic containers called to me and just as I found myself weakening and answering to the call of the pretty ink, I was snapped into reality by the windows covered in ugly brown paper.  STORE CLOSED was written in black sharpie on the paper.  Maybe the question was just a sign of desperation and not a new adopted method of cashiering as I had feared.  I felt a bit bad for Office Depot.  But I’d be lying if I wasn’t a little bit relieved, too.

I didn’t even use my supplies from the store.  I didn’t get to the note cards, I was still copying over my information onto my notebook paper.  I did look up my grades for both English and Geography, however, and I managed to get 2 A’s.    Yeah me.  Perverted English teacher and Wind Patterns, Wave formations, and currents couldn’t stop me from achieving my A’s I so desperately wanted!

I also survived Christmas.  I managed to survive not giving everyone everything they wanted for Christmas, and even though I still have a few presents left to mail (Hey – there ARE 12 days of Christmas, are there not?!) I didn’t do so bad.  I realized this year that I so badly wanted to show the people I love how much I really did love and care for them and sometimes you just can’t do it with money because even if you had all the money you wanted (this is a long ass sentence that is need of a comma somewhere but I’m out of school right now so I’m not gonna bother, k?) you still couldn’t show someone how much you cared and loved them with a present.  It’s just not possible.  I use to think it was.  But it isn’t.  I mean – I don’t think there is one thing on my wish list that anyone could buy that would tell me exactly how much I mean to them.  I’ve had some great presents, don’t get me wrong, but I think that presents don’t transform their way into a feeling easily.  I tried to give gifts that represented a little bit of what I felt and how the other person made me feel, but … it’s hard.  Tiffy had to remind me several times that it’s the THOUGHT really — knowing that you crossed someone’s mind on a special day — that matters most.  I thought Tiffy was full of shit — but then I started to think of the things you all have given me and the fact that no matter the size of the gift or the price of the gift – the fact that you thought enough to send me a word, picture, tribute, gift, or smile made a huge impact on my life and did my spirit wonders.   Believe that.  So thank you all for the tributes, gifts, notes, calls, and "business" this year.  You have impacted my life with things you have said, delighted me with secrets you’ve entrusted me with, cheered me with gifts of your friendship, lusts, and fantasies (giggles), and truly impressed me with your courage in trusting me to hold your secrets safe.  I hope you never have to say "Pardon" to me (wink); that you know you can always "go back" and try something different or not at all.  Most of all, I wish you a very safe and blessed New Year full of every delight you can ever imagine.  If I’m invited to be a part of that in some part next year – great – but if you discover and hold tight to the delights you receive …. all the better.

Happy New Year, Friends!

Just a quick note – then back to studying I go (can anyone tell me the way to Maldives Island? Anyone?  Bueller?).   I completely realize I have treated you like red-headed step children for the past 3 months now.  My posts are pretty non existent, my updates are a joke and my scheduling promises read pretty much like the campaign promises of future/past/present leaders.  Because of this great track record I can’t even say "I’ll do better" with out sounding a bit like some babby daddy on the Maury Povich show (yeah – I watch, and?). 

But I promise I will do better. 

This is what we’re looking at for today’s schedule:

1. Geography Test soon – and studying and shower.  Not necessarily in that order – or I’d be pretty much one failing stinky student.
2. Work out at the gym tonight for 45 minutes (brisk walk while listening to some pretty happy energetic music on my Ipod and reading cspan on the televisions.
3. Limp to my car, drive home, log in and work on various projects I have going all at once in true A.D.D. fashion.
4. Consider blogging on these topics of interest while logging in to take calls around 11:00PM (perhaps sooner – but you know how Tuesdays are for me…):

   My Bday

    My C In English
    My Schedule for the rest of the week
    The Nazi at the Gym
    Retirement

5. Take Shower – floss – waterpick – french braid hair – say my prayers – and go to bed.

So … that is my plan. I need to go now so I can do the first thing on my list… studying.  So far I figured out my countries (just ask me where Myanmar is… go ahead – I’ll show you on my handy dandy map, I will!) but I have islands left to do and about an hour in which to do them.  Wish me luck … we’re heading towards the finish line and I’m running neck in neck with a Kenyan (Did you know, Obama, I ask him, trying to distract him.  He puts his fist in the air, I raise it in solitude – lose my pace, stumble, and fall even further behind.  Sneaky bastard, I think to myself, wondering where Kenya is in comparison to Sudan which is ON my map test, today…)

Talk to you soon.