So – I started school since the last post (I think. I mean I think I hadn’t posted since I started school, not I think I started school…). School is, once again, kicking my ass. But the good part about it is that, for the most part, I’m enjoying the ass kicking it provides. My sleep pattern is all messed up (um – it’s 4:00AM currently!) and I have homework up the arse, but I’m enjoying my classes (most of them) and enjoying my teachers even more. I’m taking an Anthropology lab, Algebra, and English Literature II. Thankfully I have tutors for Anthropology AND Algebra (Karl and Doc B.) so I just might pass those two subjects (haha!). Actually, let me stop pretending to be the typical “dumb blonde” and fess up. I’m smart. I’m not always LOGICAL, but I can apply myself to subjects I don’t excel in if I put in the time and effort, it’s easy for me to express myself so I do well in the humanities I also do well in English classes, I know how to apply my stubbornness and make it work for me, and I can charm the socks off of any professor if need be. I’m also learning to finally apply myself to things from the beginning instead of petering out towards the end when things get tedious and a bit boring. Sound familiar? I’m not always good at gauging how long a task will take, and so I’m often times overwhelmed by the amount of homework or reading I need to do, but I’m getting better at managing my time. Sometimes you just don’t have time to do EVERYTHING in your life, but I’m learning to make decisions I can live with. Like I said, I’m pretty smart. I get it.

So like I was saying before I side tracked myself, I started school. And with school comes schedule changes and messed up sleeping patterns, and later hours, and multi-tasking, and shortened patience and fuses, oh my. I can’t do it all so I’m not going to try. But I AM going to have a good year. I’m going to get A’s in all of my classes (yeah, even Algebra) and I’m going to enjoy my free time when I get it. So, give me a little bit of time (a week or so) to work out how everything is going to fit together. I need some time to know how many hours I need to complete my homework –especially my reading assignments (my English Lit class is no joke! I already read Huck Finn, 10 Emily D. poems, A Henry James short story, and my all time favorite poet Walt Whitman!, and it’s only the 4th week of classes!). I also totally believe that a social life is crucial for — well anyone with a pulse! All work and no play makes for a very dull and scripted phone sex girl. If I don’t go to the mall how else will you get the pleasure of hearing about my make up hauls? If I don’t ever go the DMV – how would you ever be blessed with my fantasies I create while waiting among California’s finest (ahah!). If I never go to a sing-a-long, how will you ever have the pleasure of hearing me sing Lonely Goatherd? All these things contribute to not only my sanity but your entertainment. Imagine how dull and boring I’d be if I never stepped out of the house or associated with the rest of the world? Yeah, I know, sex slave tied up in the basement sounds strangely erotic to me, too. But it can’t be. Yet. In a few weeks this schedule should be clearer to me and I’ll set times that you can definitely find me. For now – here’s the tentative schedule for the rest of the week. As always, if you happen to find me not on during these times, send me a message. There’s something in it for you if you do!

Wednesday: Noon-3:00PM. 10/10:30PM – 1:00AM (or so).
Thursday: 9PM-2/3:00AM (Earlier Evening Hours Available by request)
Friday: TBA. Will log in during the morning, and will log in during the evening hours as well. If you’d like to set up a specific appt, please email me and I’ll make arrangements to be on at a specific time for you.
Saturday: OFF Looks like I will be unavailable for all of Saturday. It’s possible that I’ll have a few hours in the later part of the morning (10:30AM/11:00AM – 2:00PM) but I’ll probably only be able to log in late Saturday night/early Sunday Morning…
Sunday: 1:00PM-10:00PM.

I have a busy weekend ahead of me and it looks like Saturday will more than likely be a day I take off completely. If you want to catch me this weekend you should aim for Sunday afternoon or Friday evening/early Saturday Morning.

Ok – this “quick update” ended up being a regular blog post. It’s 4:41AM and I should try to get a few minutes of sleep before I get up again and get ready for the school day. I am logged in now for some sleepy morning sex, but you better hurry while I’m still sort of coherent. Sleepy sex in person is pretty hot, but sleepy sex over the phone might be more of a study on dreams and sleep talking than getting any sort of sexual relief. Just sayin’.

So now I have a month off from school and I have ever intention of catching up on some things around here. Things are starting (finally) to look up around here, and I am proud to have not given in to the panic that surrounded me. I guess the paid mails are even working fine as of late. See? Patience IS a virtue!

Some of you remembered my birthday and thank you, but I’ve stopped celebrating them. If you call me, you’ll notice that I’m 19 again. I figure it’s a good year, and that way no one has to wonder why a 20 somethin’ year old is still going under “teenwetdream”. It will be our little secret. I still have my braces on, so as far as I’m concerned, I still look like a teen, and well, I’m still fighting to keep myself well with in your dreams. Yeah, I’m still corny.

So this is really just a quick update. If I make it too long it will be another 2 months before I post it. It is Monday, the 28th of December, and I will be logging in around 8:00PM this evening (that’s California Pacific time) and staying logged in until I can’t keep my eyes open. You should call me and say hi, if you haven’t had the chance. I definitely look forward to reconnecting with some of you AND meeting new and kinky/interesting men, too! Thank you for your patience these past few months, not only with niteflirt’s issues, but with my school schedule and stuff. I’m back. I promise.

Can I just be real for a bit?
Thanks.

Typically I would sit and think about where this post was going, and then tie it all up at the end in a nice little package. Sometimes I don’t even try to do this at the end, but like Jerry Springer during his “final thoughts” segment, everything seems to come to some nice finish at the end. I find myself compartmentalizing things, discarding things that don’t belong in the post, thinking that I’ll have time to write it all down later. I rarely remember what I was going to write before. So. Just bear with me. This is going to get a little hard to follow – and it will sound a little manic at times. I do have a point. I’ll try to focus in on it every now and then.

So now that I’m done with school I’ve realized a few things. Ok – not DONE with school, but done with another semester of school. #1: I’m beginning to realize that I don’t have time for everything that I want to do in my life. This past week I’ve taken a road trip and done some protesting at several rallies about the state. Yup. I feel so… liberal. I realized when I was chanting and raising my home made banner in the air for all to see, that I really want to be more involved in things outside more. This is a really exciting time for us – no matter what “side” you happen to be on. And for a lot of youth (said like Vinny in My Cousin Vinny), this is our most exciting time yet. It’s our Civil Rights Movement, our Vietnam, Our John F Kennedy/Camelot, our whatever. There are so many issues right now for people — young people particularly — to get involved in, it seems a shame to NOT get involved more. So I’ve joined a few things, and am working on getting myself on the school newspaper so I can try my hand at being a journalist. At first I was on a mission simply to be involved in more things because schools look at things like that when applying for scholarships. Which I didn’t get the ONE that I tried out for at my school. Which really was a kick in the throat. Worse than a kick in the stomach if you can imagine. But as I started thinking of things that I wanted to be involved in (community organizations, volunteer programs, school sororities for 3.0 GPA students that is transferrable to 4 year schools) I realized that I really ENJOYED these things, too. It wasn’t just for show or to get money for school, you know? So I’m doing more things outside of attending classes and work and gym. Which is exciting. #2: I’m beginning to realize that I really have 2, I mean 3, jobs. The other day I got the bestest book in the whole world from a client/friend of mine. This book is the bible for writers. It gives tips on submitting stories and preparing manuscripts, and applying for scholarships, and all kinds of other useful items. I somehow think of myself as this writer, but I don’t give myself the time every day to do it. And though I’ve been talking about doing this for the past 2 years it seems (maybe more?!) I have come to the decision that this 6th month (already!) of 2009 I am going to start doing the things I know i need to do. Some of my friends in my writing group tell me that they pay themselves to write every day. They consider it a job – and put in 4-8 hours of writing non stop, even if it’s junk, they just keep writing. For 4-8 hours. And at the end of that 4-8 hours they clock out and go do whatever else they have to accomplish for the day. They even pay themselves, even if it’s a dollar an hour. They don’t let anything disturb them. While I don’t have 4 hours to do this. Or even 3 hours. I do have 2 hours a day to start with. Plus, I don’t think I can afford to pay myself for more than 2 hours! So from now on I’m thinking of my writing, school and niteflirt as jobs. And I’ll be doing at least 2 of them every day until whenever I can afford to do only one. The last thing I’ve realized is that one really has to make conscious decisions on what to do with the other part of their day. For example, sometimes I really enjoy veggie in front of the television. I tell myself that I deserve to do it because of X, Y, and/or Z. And I think that sometimes that’s just cool to do that. But I think that I have to be conscious of the many things I do that don’t contribute to my goals for Niteflirt, School, or Writing. And those little time wasters I have to figure out a way in which to eliminate or at least limit them in my life so I can have time for everything else I want to do.

Now that Spring Semester is over, I have a little bit more flexibility with my schedule. I don’t as of yet have my fall schedule. But I am planning on taking a few more classes next semester, too. At least one more class. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m currently on my Mac and it’s difficult for me to get in to make these changes – so I’m announcing my new summer hours, here. Keep in mind I do have a few vacation times coming up, but I will update you to those times as the dates get closer. I have customers that like late night hours, and some that like afternoon and early evenings. There are some days that I could log in during the mornings, and other days that … well, you get the point. I have tried my best to provide hours that fit into all of my customer’s schedules, so that at least once a week they are able to get in touch with me. If you don’t see a time that works with your needs, please feel free to drop me a line and I’ll do my best to accommodate you.

So this is exciting, yes? Little CeCe is growing up. And while that means I won’t be hanging around here as much as I use to, I do think it means that the times that I do hang around, I will be at my best for you. I will have great, new, and exciting things to share with you, I’ll have more time to write about them, and I’ll have a more active imagination and things to bring into our fantasies and role plays. Growth is always a good thing. *wiggles eyebrows up and down*

Hope to speak to you all soon. Thanks for hanging in there with me during Finals week and the week leading up to finals. I got an A in my math class (applause applause) and I don’t know what I got in my philosophy class yet. I’ll let you know when I find out. That is a whole other story though. Maybe I’ll write it up and password protect it. You can all write to me for the password if you’re curious. Just don’t want the stuff cluttering up my page. Seriously – the guy was a real… work of art. A real… pain in the ass. A real…good argument for birth control. It was THAT bad. 2 semesters in a row of great teachers. I can’t tell you how badly I am looking forward to being able to transfer the hell out of this school/college/hell.

Enough. Here’s my schedule for the next few months (subject to change during vacation times):

*****

Monday 12:00PM – 4:00PM, 10:00PM – MIDNIGHT
Tuesday 8:00PM – 12:00PM
Wednesday 12:00-4:00PM, 10:00PM – MIDNIGHT
Thursday 11:00AM – 3:00PM (times available for appts after 11:30PM)
Friday (Earlier times available by appt) 10:00PM – 2:00AM
Saturday 11:00AM (earlier if possible) – 2:00PM 10PM – 1:00AM
Sunday 6:00PM – 11:00PM

******

As you can see, I’m working quite a few hours during summer break. This time will be spent on the phone with you all, hopefully, but I will also use this time to do any maintenance work that needs to be done around my website, niteflirt pages (I see that there are some pages that still show me as a 19 year old… and while that fits with my name, it’s not exactly accurate, is it? ), uploading YTWD RADIO segments, doing custom orders for mp3′s and updating and creating new picture packages. Also, any correspondence will be done during these times FOR SURE. I may be able to respond to a few emails as they come up outside of these hours, too, but you can definitely count on me responding during these times specifically. What I will not be doing during these times: watching television, disciplining Jackson, washing dishes, eating or preparing my meals, talking to family members, driving…you get the picture. This is so that you and I have time just for us, and you never get the feeling that you’re interrupting a good movie or anything like that. If I have things that I need to do, then I will definitely log off and do them, but hopefully I’ve made a schedule that will enable me to take care of business before pleasure. Let’s see how this works out and reevaluate at the end of a week or two, yes?

I will be logged in this evening for another hour, and then I will be heading on to bed. Tomorrow I’ll follow the schedule as posted: 12-4:00PM, then 10PM – Midnight. I have an appointment at 5:00PM tomorrow, so if I get an especially long call at 3:30PM, I’ll gently remind you that I’ll need to go at 4:30 if the call has continued. You may want to call me earlier in order to make sure we don’t run out of time.

Off to respond to a few emails and write up a few custom recording requests. Talk soon! and thanks again for hanging in there with me during the final hell week/s. We made it through, though! Finally!

So as you can tell by this entry – I survived finals.  I tried to start early with my Geography Final – but I was still organizing my notes up until the moment I sat down to do the test.  I have this ritual, you see, of redoing all of my notes and reorganizing everything.  Before analysis (lol – doesn’t that sound so mature?!) I thought it was just another procrastination thing I did, but now that I’ve spoken to the good Dr for several months I realize that organizing and rewriting things is my way of remembering things.  The whole different color pens and pencils and illustrations and teaching other people about things I am learning, etc. is just my way of committing these things to my memory bank.  Apparently it works.  But not with out a whole lot of drama.  Because I am so visual with my learning, I made a trip to Office Depot, Staples less popular and rather geek-y younger brother.  Sorry, it’s true.  I walked into Office Depot because it was close to the gym I go to, with a goal in mind: Sticky notes.  50 dollars later I make my way to the counter where I start reassessing my purchases.  "Do you really need this, CeCe?  Nah.  Put it back.  What about these pens?  Yeah – definitely need to keep them.  But what about these?  Nah … put those back, too…"  So I set aside a few things and tell the Office Depot Clerk that I won’t be needing them but I’ll take the still substantial pile of things that looks like a good 40 bucks still, even after the "save".  This little clerk looks me in the eye, I kid you not!, and asks, "Can I ask you why you won’t be taking these items?"  …

"Pardon?!"

"Why don’t you want these?" He asks again, more boldly this time, his beady little cashier eyes burying their way into my very soul as if looking for the answer there.

…

…

Yeah.  That’s silence from me.  Because I can’t believe that in all my life I have never been questioned on my "go backs" before in a store, and I’m now considering whether or not this is a new practice in lieu of the "R" word (recession).

"Um.  It was an impulsive moment — and I realized I didn’t need those after all."

"Oh."  He says, still looking me in the eye uncomfortably while making no move to ring up my purchases I DO want, "because I was going to offer you a discount."

It’s now apparent that we’re having a little stare down.  I uncomfortably hold his gaze.  I don’t say a word.  He hasn’t offered me a discount, I don’t think there is a discount that exists, truth be told, and if there is a discount, I should have been aware of it when I walked in the store.  I’m not buying a car, here, I’m fuckin buying sticky notes and note cards and pens!

I win. He breaks my gaze, needing both eyes to locate the scan gun and the bar codes on my items. "Okay," he says with a nervous laugh,"Your total is 40.03."

I couldn’t get the hell out of that store fast enough.  Later, at the gym, I tell my Nazi trainer what has happened and her eyes get as big as mine must have been as she wonders, too, what will happen when she goes shopping later that evening.  Her shopping experience has been, in a blink of an eye, altered.  Ruined. "It’s a different world out there."  I warn her looking at her ominously. "I would suggest hiding the things you don’t want and not bringing them to the cashier with you to be put in the ‘go backs.’"  I say "go backs" making the quotation marks in the air as if to suggest that "go backs" is a historical word like cassette tapes — something that exists only as a fond memory in the corner of your mind.

"Yeah."  She says in a quiet scared voice.  "I don’t know what to do…"

Today I was in the area and I glanced over at The Office Depot Store.  For a moment the thought of pens lined up in their little shiny plastic containers called to me and just as I found myself weakening and answering to the call of the pretty ink, I was snapped into reality by the windows covered in ugly brown paper.  STORE CLOSED was written in black sharpie on the paper.  Maybe the question was just a sign of desperation and not a new adopted method of cashiering as I had feared.  I felt a bit bad for Office Depot.  But I’d be lying if I wasn’t a little bit relieved, too.

I didn’t even use my supplies from the store.  I didn’t get to the note cards, I was still copying over my information onto my notebook paper.  I did look up my grades for both English and Geography, however, and I managed to get 2 A’s.    Yeah me.  Perverted English teacher and Wind Patterns, Wave formations, and currents couldn’t stop me from achieving my A’s I so desperately wanted!

I also survived Christmas.  I managed to survive not giving everyone everything they wanted for Christmas, and even though I still have a few presents left to mail (Hey – there ARE 12 days of Christmas, are there not?!) I didn’t do so bad.  I realized this year that I so badly wanted to show the people I love how much I really did love and care for them and sometimes you just can’t do it with money because even if you had all the money you wanted (this is a long ass sentence that is need of a comma somewhere but I’m out of school right now so I’m not gonna bother, k?) you still couldn’t show someone how much you cared and loved them with a present.  It’s just not possible.  I use to think it was.  But it isn’t.  I mean – I don’t think there is one thing on my wish list that anyone could buy that would tell me exactly how much I mean to them.  I’ve had some great presents, don’t get me wrong, but I think that presents don’t transform their way into a feeling easily.  I tried to give gifts that represented a little bit of what I felt and how the other person made me feel, but … it’s hard.  Tiffy had to remind me several times that it’s the THOUGHT really — knowing that you crossed someone’s mind on a special day — that matters most.  I thought Tiffy was full of shit — but then I started to think of the things you all have given me and the fact that no matter the size of the gift or the price of the gift – the fact that you thought enough to send me a word, picture, tribute, gift, or smile made a huge impact on my life and did my spirit wonders.   Believe that.  So thank you all for the tributes, gifts, notes, calls, and "business" this year.  You have impacted my life with things you have said, delighted me with secrets you’ve entrusted me with, cheered me with gifts of your friendship, lusts, and fantasies (giggles), and truly impressed me with your courage in trusting me to hold your secrets safe.  I hope you never have to say "Pardon" to me (wink); that you know you can always "go back" and try something different or not at all.  Most of all, I wish you a very safe and blessed New Year full of every delight you can ever imagine.  If I’m invited to be a part of that in some part next year – great – but if you discover and hold tight to the delights you receive …. all the better.

Happy New Year, Friends!

But I promise I will do better. 

This is what we’re looking at for today’s schedule:

1. Geography Test soon – and studying and shower.  Not necessarily in that order – or I’d be pretty much one failing stinky student.
2. Work out at the gym tonight for 45 minutes (brisk walk while listening to some pretty happy energetic music on my Ipod and reading cspan on the televisions.
3. Limp to my car, drive home, log in and work on various projects I have going all at once in true A.D.D. fashion.
4. Consider blogging on these topics of interest while logging in to take calls around 11:00PM (perhaps sooner – but you know how Tuesdays are for me…):

   My Bday

    My C In English
    My Schedule for the rest of the week
    The Nazi at the Gym
    Retirement

5. Take Shower – floss – waterpick – french braid hair – say my prayers – and go to bed.

So … that is my plan. I need to go now so I can do the first thing on my list… studying.  So far I figured out my countries (just ask me where Myanmar is… go ahead – I’ll show you on my handy dandy map, I will!) but I have islands left to do and about an hour in which to do them.  Wish me luck … we’re heading towards the finish line and I’m running neck in neck with a Kenyan (Did you know, Obama, I ask him, trying to distract him.  He puts his fist in the air, I raise it in solitude – lose my pace, stumble, and fall even further behind.  Sneaky bastard, I think to myself, wondering where Kenya is in comparison to Sudan which is ON my map test, today…)

Talk to you soon.

But I know myself. I will sit (as I’m sitting now) and find something to do – anything but the hell that is waiting for me. Please remind me next summer to NEVER EVER again take 2 full 4 credit classes in 4 weeks. Put my hands over my head – pin me against the wall – and … wait. I’m getting excited and may just do it again to get that type of punishment.
KICK MY LITTLE ASS if I ever do this to myself again. Ok? Ok!

I’m just quickly stopping in to tell everyone who may be looking for me tonight that it’s not going to happen. It just isn’t. I thought at the beginning of the day that maybe – just maybe – I could log on tonight and do a few calls. But nah uh. It’s not going to happen. I thought that maybe I could go on alerts – or take a few calls now and then but I know myself too well. I know that I would sit here and not work in between calls. I would do it because not only do I enjoy talking with you all but I’d also be using you as very entertaining distractions from the work I need to do. I know some of you are thinking, “use me… use me…” and you will be dealt with in a few days. Others of you are looking at your watches and pushing me away from the computer so I can hurry up and get done with it already. I’m leaving. watch…

Speak with you in a few days… I may be on tomorrow evening for a bit before I pass out from my (what seems inevitable) all nighter.

Pray for me.

I will probably write more a bit later … but just wanted to let all who “stumble” here know – I will be on later this evening (that would be Saturday). I have been invited out with my family to a going away type of party thingee – and will be coming home probably by 9:00PM (PST) – 10PST at the latest. I am planning on staying up for a long long time… so you’ll probably catch me.

Oh – and remember when I said that some of you are going to get a reallllly lovely present from me sometime soon? Well – are you just balancing at the edge of your seat?

You should be!

Gotta run!!! I’ll write more later – promise.

She taught a bunch of subjects in our tiny little school (English, Voice, Psychology) and had gone to a college that only the finest teachers had attended. It was a well-known Minnesota college – Lutheran and liberal arts. My father had attended that same college – and his siblings – and virtually everyone in the little town of less than 1000 people. The fact that she had gone there just made the college (not her) that much more revered. At least in my 13-year-old mind.

I sought to be involved in everything she was involved in and that included an after school activity I didn’t even know if I was good at. I ended up winning two state titles. My name and picture were in the little town’s paper – and that was a big deal. I use to save all the clippings but have since lost track of them.

She had the neatest writing I have ever seen. When she wrote on the whiteboard it was as though she were drawing flowers and stems and leaves instead of words like Freud and Cognitive and Self Actualization. I would sit in her room during lunch period while the other children consumed heavy amounts of cheese the consistency of paste and pasta the texture of rubber. She would grade papers and I would pretend to read. I would look up from my desk and just stare at her frosted blonde hair and her blue blue eyes and love her. I simply worshiped the ground she walked on.

She was my very first friend. My best friend. And when I later moved, she wrote long letters to me in her flower cursive. I would read the letters over and over and over again and I would rub my fingers over the part that said she loved me as though the words themselves were made out of silk.

It had been awhile since I had had friends as important as she was. Women friends. I sometimes catch glimpses in friendships I’ve developed with men, but they always seem so much more complicated than the one I had with my English teacher. Even though I was in love with her, you see, I never thought of actually fucking her. It wasn’t that I wasn’t attracted to her. It was just that our relationship was so much deeper than a physical relationship. I wanted to crawl up inside of her and just stay there forever – I didn’t want to actually kiss her or have some physical relationship with her or anything. I wanted to be near her. And I envied her children because they got to be tucked into bed each night by her – and kissed awake by her in the morning. I would often wonder if they knew how lucky they were.

I quit the gym the other day. I just couldn’t take it anymore and it was clear to me that they just had other ideas about me – and how to run the place that didn’t go along with what I thought. It’s a rather long, complicated story that right about now (at 3:14AM in the morning) doesn’t seem to matter that much. But I went back to the gym this afternoon so that they could kiss my little ass. Afterwards I worked out a bit – and talked to the ladies there, reassuring them that I would know if they were working out and to not use my leaving as an excuse to get all out of shape and weak again. Little ladies just grabbed me and held onto me and squeezed my cheeks and told me how wonderful I was. Other women slipped me their business cards and told me to call them if I needed anything. Other women called me and asked me how I was and if they (the management) had mistreated me. Still others called me up and invited me to bar-be-ques that would be held in my honor. I received letters and note cards and little gift certificates from women who just wanted to tell me how lovely I was and how much I had helped them while I was there. They urged me to keep in touch with them and to let them know if I was going to be in the area and we “could do lunch” and just “catch up.”

So I have this fascination with girls. And women. I like looking at them – but they have to be a certain type. I don’t think anything turns me on more than self confidence, tenderness and . . . brilliance. I don’t entertain fantasies of fucking women. I know that people find that hard to believe – or I should say – I know that men find that hard to believe – but there it is. I don’t. I don’t get off on watching women fuck each other, either. I’ll watch – but I can’t ever sit there and masturbate – I just watch like I watch Hell’s Kitchen. It’s entertaining and a bit mystifying, really. But I could totally have a relationship with a girl. I would even sleep with a girl IF there was some sort of spiritual bond or something. It wouldn’t be about sex – but more like wanting to climb inside of her soul – and realizing that maybe if I placed my tongue on the most intimate of her parts I just might get there quicker.

I don’t know what made me write this entry. Well, maybe it is because I know that by not working at the gym and working with the women I was working with I’m giving up quite a bit. There was a sort of . . . community that was so drama free it was scary. We had stuff that went on due to management stuff and an occasional tiff or whatever – but overall – we would just bond together. Talk about our lives – children – school – boyfriends – husbands – recipes -politics – the latest movie and the last book we read. I’m going to miss that tremendously. And even though I plan on working out there and joining another gym with a few other women – it still just feels slightly different and I’m a bit scared that I’ll lose that part of me that felt confident and competent and able to stand tall among other women. I’m afraid I’ll start thinking like so many other women I see – who doubt that that type of honest, true, and just really tender relationship can exist.

Tonight I got my answer.

I put on my little pink shuffle and I got my ass to work. I worked so hard my arms ache right now. I worked so hard that my boobs were sweating. You know that not so attractive stream of sweat that kinda runs down a woman’s shirt when she’s working out … yeah. Matter of fact, I think the small of my back and the top of my ass was sweating too. I mean I kicked my own butt back and forth and around the gym. I did pushups galore – and then did crunches on the ball and then I just sat there on the yoga mat stretching and drinking my water thinking to myself … DAMN! I feel good!

I had never though of myself as having those little endorphin moments. I told others about it because as a trainer that’s my job to do. “Keep it up hon and those endorphs will start kicking in and you’ll have enough energy to do 30 more minutes … you can do it!!” Yeah – that was me. And God Save The Queen, I was right! I was on a physical high. I felt good and stronger and ready to take on anything and everything. My head was clear and I wasn’t tired and groggy anymore. All the tension and anger I had been feeling earlier was soaked up in the little white towel that hung around my neck. I felt fantabulous.

I guess not working at that gym and just working out there will be good for me after all. Thought it might be a little difficult, but turns out it felt just perfect.

Earlier today I had a little bit of an endorphin moment also. It wasn’t just the calls I was getting – and for the past few days I have gotten a good share of calls (with a significant amount of newer callers, too…) – it was the caliber of the calls that I was getting. It was as though every caller and I just “fit”. Sometimes after I say hi and the guy says hi there is this moment that I wonder if we’re going to “stick” or not. But 99 percent of my callers that I’ve had for the past few days have stuck like glue. It’s like we just get each other. After the first few calls I just got this burst of energy and excitement like this … yeah – like this endorphin high. I felt like I could talk all nite (and practically did) and I was just in my zone. It’s almost like I gave off this vibe and the people who thought it stank stayed far away (lol) and the people that thought it smelled pretty damn good came in closer for a bigger whiff. I’ll get to a few of the nice things I’ve heard in a minute… but before I do…

I wrote this note back to 2n’s the other day which was so full of things that I didn’t want to say – even though I didn’t write a word about them. It was as though my feelings had hidden messages to them and they were peeking out all through my email at him. And so he called. And the most amazing thing happened… he said, “We’re just gonna talk.” Now to be fair, 2n’s isn’t the first person to have said this to me – but what was so amazing about it is that he knew to do it because of the note I had written to him that was filled with all kinds of angst, I guess the right word would be. So he just wanted to see what was up. And boy did he get an ear full. The result of this phone call is – I realized – that I need to start being a bit more clear about my intentions – and about my expectations – and about my limits. I don’t necessarily need to run people over with it – but I do need to be clear about them myself and more than clear be happy and satisfied with my decisions so that I can clearly communicate them to friends, family, etc. So thanks, 2n’s. You really helped me – and you really assisted me in being able to continue getting to know you with out any of that old crap tainting our stuff. You were a great friend to me today when I needed one – and I won’t forget or take that for granted.

Every once in a while people ask for my advice. I never really know if this is just play time with a twist – or if they really wanna know what CeCe would do. Hmmmm. That’s kinda catchy… I could work on that a little, I think. *wink* Ok – so anyways – So I get a call from someone and we are talking and talking and I think that maybe I should start talking about sex sometime soon. I mean – I don’t mind talking to you guys – you know that – but I’m not going to suck up all your money and then when Ms. “you have one minute remaining” lady comes on ask you to put in some more money so we can talk about the best way to prepare tuna casserole. Unless that’s your thing, of course. So I kinda try to make a segway – but poor Mr. Vin says he isn’t really ready for all that. He tells me about this trip that he’s taken fairly recently and that he didn’t realize how beautiful 18 year olds in bikinis could be. (Silly Wabbit!). So I start to give him some advice. Even though he hasn’t asked me for any. But I know a cry for help when I see hear one. I told him about all the things that little 18 year olds love about men in their 40′s. I told him about all the things he has that impresses 18 year old girls – and how better to utilize these attributes for the best outcome. I dismissed him from class after he wrote on the chalk board that he was a “stud muffin and he had something 18 year old girls wanted” 100 times and then told him school was out. So thank you Mr. Vin for the exciting time in school. I hope you have been doing your homework. I haven’t forgotten that you will be doing a field trip in a few days – and should you need a refresher course … give me a call. I’d be happy to help a student in need out. Hehehe.

One more quick mention before I get to the sweet comments for the day…

My little Dave man. How ever did we meet – and what a great and important playful relationship we are developing. Did you hear my voice change a little when you gave me some “helpful advice”? I think it was because I’m always in a more dominant role with you – so to have you speak up and tell me what you needed (which you definitely SHOULD do by the way!!!) I instantly went into some sort of submissive mode and thought I had disappointed you or something. It took me a while to recover – (like 10 seconds … which seems like a long time when something like that happens!) but afterwards I was really glad that it happened. No relationship (even on the phone!) is easy – and it meant a lot to me (and definitely was worth a mention here!) that you said something to me and trusted me to take in your notes and adapt and make it good. Thank you so much for that important lesson. I mean that sincerely, ya know.

Ok – So this post got away from me a bit… but it’s been awhile since I gave little “shout outs”.

I only really have room for one quick feedback (even though the tons I have gotten lately have been equally important and made me just as happy! ) When I read this feedback I grinned so hard I thought my cheek muscles would break. It’s so him, too… just clever and surprised almost at what a great time he had! LoL! Are you ok yet, hon? This is what my sweet caller I. said after our call yesterday:

• Well, well, well.:) I rarely leave written feedback but I feel compelled. This girl is a gem. One thing that’s rare is the ability to describe things in detail, like clothes, shoes, etc., and she really great at it, not to mention flexible and playful. And the voice is exactly as advertised, if not even better. Pleasing, young, sweet, and, again so rarely, real, not like someone trying to fake a young voice or even worse some kind of voice changing phone. Many definite callbacks and stars.

LOL! Oh my gosh. It just makes me smile all over again. First of all I. you are sweet – plain and simple. 2nd – I’m obsessive about details. I notice everything and it pisses me off sometimes that I can’t write exactly what I see. It’s like there aren’t enough words sometimes to make it clear. So I’m glad that you appreciate that! Thank you so much for taking the time to leave feedback. It means a lot to me that you left feedback at all – but when I realized that you hardly ever do my head just got a little bit bigger! I’m looking forward to describing things and making you pleased again soon. Thanks for the great call.

Ok. 1 term paper later (this diary entry) and I’m going to wrap it on up. I will be working out tomorrow around 2:00PM – and am planning on going out for a bit tomorrow evening – so I’ll try to log in in between those times if I can. I’m also planning on going out on Saturday – as well as working out in the morning – so I’ll try to log on in between those engagements, too. I think I’m going to church on Sunday (hey – Sinners have souls, too!) to ask for forgiveness for all the things I plan on doing Friday and Saturday evening. But after that … I’ll be free until (looks on schedule) Monday, I think. Scary to not have much on my calendar. Going to have to change that el pronto.

Anyways … I’ll be around this weekend – hope to speak sometime during…