So a bit ago (last year sometime?) I talked about a little crush that I had on a girl in choir at church. Yeah. I know – lots to swallow right there, huh? Celina is a lesbian? Celina goes to church? Celina sings in a choir? No time to slow down, boys, keep up, okay? Ask questions later. Many of you know that my father is a pastor and many of you know this because church plays a part in some of our fantasies (those of you who aren’t afraid you’re going to burn in hell by mentioning sex and church in the same convo, that is! hehe) . It was only a matter of time before I returned to my roots. And no, I don’t personally have any conflicting feelings about church and masturbation or what I do here. As long as we keep things in perspective and understand the things we think about and fantasize about don’t make us bad or good – they just make us uniquely human. but enough of that. I see your eyes glazing over. So yeah – I’m in a church choir and I developed the HUGEST crush on this girl and had no idea what was happening. She already had a girlfriend, too, so I was feeling doubly bad about having a crush on someone that isn’t available. Though hello – how many times does that happen to me at this job? Too many times to count. So yeah – Ifound myself getting all nervous when I sat next to her and when she would touch my thigh (yeah – she TOUCHED ME A LOT) I would get all tingly and I thought am I a lesbian now or what the hell is going on? So I asked my parents about it and they said, “whatev” Not in those words, but basically. Whoever I love and how I love is of no consequence for (to?) them. As long as I’m happy and no one is getting hurt. They are bleeding heart liberals. Whatcha gonna do? So we went out for lunch a few times and wrote notes back and forth and gushed all over each other’s art and flirted and blah blah. And then disaster struck. This little thing called reality hit and suddenly this crush became really painful. I remember the same thing happening to a friend of mine who wanted more from me than I could give and then suddenly just being around me sucked. Which is why we don’t talk any more. And it hurt when it happened, but now I get it. Being around that one thing that reminds you of what you can’t achieve or accomplish or have or be with or whatever it is – it just hurts. Plain sucks. So you begin to avoid it and find ways to not be reminded of the pain. So I started to shut down. Became really pouty and a bit bratty (I know you’re shocked) and then I contemplated leaving the church and never singing in choir again. And someone (a caller, I believe) told me that this is exactly why these things are called CRUSHES. They are really fun at first, but when love/lust/infactuation is one sided all of a sudden that thing that made you giggle and get all warm and sensitive and stuff, all of a sudden it starts to crush the life out of you.

Great positive feel good post, CeCe.

So yeah. It was difficult. But about 2 weeks ago, I realized that I had come through the other side. I decided to just let it be. I told myself that I wasn’t being foolish to feel such strong feelings for someone. That more than likely (definitely more likely than not) the object of my crush wanted me to feel exactly how I was feeling. I had definitely been led on, toyed with, manipulated. Not out of some cruel evil plot, but just because everyone (men and women, gay, straight, bi, old, young, republican and liberals) want to be wanted and love attention and are drawn to cute brace faced girls with great senses of humor. Seriously, though, it’s human to want to be wanted, and it’s easy to play those games we do to see if we’re really as wanted as we think we are. You get my point. I forgave her. I started to see her as someone who may have a slight bigger case of insecurity than I did. I decided to love her anyway, but love her in a mature healthy way. I wouldn’t daydream about her anymore or be upset when I no longer got her attention. I would just allow whatever to be to be and look at things a bit more positively. And things started to change. And now things are almost back to normal and there’s only a slight scar where the crush use to be. Sometimes when it gets pressed it’s a little tender and I think that it’s coming back again. But it never does. It stays put. It knows to stay put. So – thank God. I got through it.

I have a few callers who call for advice every now and again and I try to give the best advice I can. I don’t have a license (obviously) to give psychiatric advice and referrals (ahaha) but I do have an open mind and I’m kind. I honestly do not judge people harshly. Niteflirt has the ability to freak out flirts from time to time and I don’t ever get freaked out. Sure, there are some things I’m not into. We can’t all be into everything. But there isn’t anything that makes me want to run in the opposite direction. There isn’t anything that makes me think the person thinking it or doing it or whatever is sick. I know that’s pretty liberal of me, and it’s not said to be a challenge so everyone with unique fetishes and over the top ideas in their heads can call me up to test me on what I’m saying, it’s said as a way of maybe comforting those of you who are worried about things that you think about or get excited about or whatever. Here I am, a pastor’s kid, working on niteflirt, having crushes on girls, having fantasies about all kinds of things that are off the beaten trail, going to school and living in a world that is predominately afraid of differences. I actually live in the very city that describes that song “little boxes”. Here I am, having all kinds of conflicting thoughts and feelings about a host of things that could all be labeled taboo by someone. But I’m not ashamed of my fantasies. So you shouldn’t be either.

So there you have it. A confession to tantalize a few confessions out of you. For those of you who have entrusted me to your secrets, thank you. I’ll keep them safe. And for those who are wondering if you can trust me with a few of your ‘gems’ – wonder no more. Give me a call. You’ll be glad you did.

See, I wasn’t kidding. This is helpful. I said I was going to log in at 9:00pm – and I started my homework and here it is 11:22PM. I have an appointment in a little bit so I can’t say how long I’ll be available, but I will stay available for the late evening into the early morning – and perhaps I’ll log in in the morning, too. But wait – I was talking about the lucky winner.

I said I was going to log in – I got distracted. I didn’t log in after spin. And 1 person emailed me to see if I was on (which, for the 3rd time – I wasn’t because I got distracted by polynomials) and he got avery special little something. So it pays to stalk me, right, Michael?

I’m really serious about this holding myself accountable thing.

Seriously. You never know when I will update my blog.

So much has happened, I don’t even know where to begin. Which we all should know (by now) is a dangerous spot for me to be. I have had so much to write about lately, but honestly, have so little time to get into everything. You’ve heard it all before and I only really have a few minutes to make this short update – so let’s not waste any time.

I am still working on niteflirt. My hours right now are bizarro on account of this thing called school. And another thing called homework. I get so wrapped up in getting everything done, and we all know about my attention span (oh – wait – look at that chicken!). I am so afraid of multi tasking when it comes to homework and calls that I just don’t log in at all. I’ve tried scheduling. I’ve tried the 12 step program. I’ve tried prayer. I’ve tried …well you name it. With niteflirt’s schedule thingee not working that compounds things. And there is either “available” or “not”. Even alert me of calls would improve things slightly.

So then months go by. And I find myself only logging in (barely) on the weekends. And then letters begin (well not letters really – lol – but some notes of concern) and then I find myself in this familiar spot. That spot between do I make promises that I may not keep – or do I beg for forgiveness and hope I haven’t been replaced by some other equally adorable blonde brace face ‘teen’.

So just keep checking my tweet updates on the side over there >> and see if and when I’ll log in. I’ll try to at least keep that updated. I will let you know that I have been logging in more early mornings and later evenings for the past week. Mmmhm. It’s true. AND also I happen to be on spring break all this week. I susually find myself lgoging in later during the week because of spin classes. So for my early evening guys (Hi Michael ) I will try to get home at a time that still works out for you.

Enough of that. It makes me uncomfortable trying to keep up any sort of schedule with my track record. It’s time to do and not say I’ll do. Correct?

School is going fine. I am taking 3 classes this semester (math, anthropology and english 102) and that has proven to be a big huge fat challenge. I am still taking calls, though most of my customers now have caught on to the whole schedule in time and prearrange time with me thing. Yeah. Send me a note and I’ll explain how you can take advantage of that technique, too. I am still spinning away 3-4 times a week and practicing my pull ups. I can now successfully do one full pull up with out any assistance. I’m trying to work my way up to 5. Seriously. Upper body strength for girls isn’t a joke! I’ve discovered a few fetishes I’m lucky enough to share with 2 very special people and I’ve made peace with some of the kinkier sides of me. I’ve partly forgiven niteflirt and I’m trying to get my business back in line and I’m also writing A LOT. I wrote for our school publication and am waiting to hear back from them. If they like my stuff I’ll be published and will get the chance to read my stuff out loud. Um – yeah. It’s nothing like the stuff I write for you guys. Don’t get too excited. But it is writing. And I will consider it an honor to be selected. I’ve been really working on my writing lately. I think that there is a chance that I could really make something of myself with this writing stuff. Who knew. I know, I know. You all did.

Ok. I have to run. Spin class starts, I have to come home and do some math homework and then log in by 9:00PM. So look for me. And if you send me a message at 9:00PM and I’m not available (that means not on at all – not just ‘busy’ on another call) send me a message and I’ll send you a small gift for the inconvenience. Mmhm. Now we’re talking!

I don’t blame you if you don’t. Yes, it’s me, CeCe, signing in after MANY months. And though I know it would entertain you to hear all the excuses I could muster up, I’m just gonna stick with the boring details: I was knee deep in Algebra. yup. I was in math hell for many months and just as soon as I could get my head above water, that’s when the bridge would break and I’d be over my head in mathematical problems all over again. I was barely logged in, and when I was I was often times distracted or called away from business to tackle yet another ruthless word problem. This is the time that you should all start playing violins for me. Thank you.

So now I have a month off from school and I have ever intention of catching up on some things around here. Things are starting (finally) to look up around here, and I am proud to have not given in to the panic that surrounded me. I guess the paid mails are even working fine as of late. See? Patience IS a virtue!

Some of you remembered my birthday and thank you, but I’ve stopped celebrating them. If you call me, you’ll notice that I’m 19 again. I figure it’s a good year, and that way no one has to wonder why a 20 somethin’ year old is still going under “teenwetdream”. It will be our little secret. I still have my braces on, so as far as I’m concerned, I still look like a teen, and well, I’m still fighting to keep myself well with in your dreams. Yeah, I’m still corny.

So this is really just a quick update. If I make it too long it will be another 2 months before I post it. It is Monday, the 28th of December, and I will be logging in around 8:00PM this evening (that’s California Pacific time) and staying logged in until I can’t keep my eyes open. You should call me and say hi, if you haven’t had the chance. I definitely look forward to reconnecting with some of you AND meeting new and kinky/interesting men, too! Thank you for your patience these past few months, not only with niteflirt’s issues, but with my school schedule and stuff. I’m back. I promise.

Hello everyone. I’m sorry I’ve been catch and miss for the past month. Literally. It’s been crazy around here lately. But I think things will start getting better from here on out. At least for most of my callers now they can reach me and add funds and most of the time hear me, right?

I have to switch out my call buttons because I realized the other day that (duh) they don’t show my real status. So for many of you, you’ve come here to see if I’m on, looked at the little button to the right and saw that I wasn’t, and gone about your business – when all along I’ve been available and waiting to hear from you. I really am hell bent on staying positive, so let’s just say one collective “oops” and keep it going (glares at niteflirt beta).

So really quickly – cuz I have tons of homework to do before i can log back in this evening – this is my plan of action. I have been logged in all afternoon and kept pretty busy – so busy in fact that I now have to log off so I can get some homework done! I slept most of the night AND into the morning (didn’t go to church..) and will more than likely be sleeping tomorrow am as well. Got a little touch of the flu a few days ago and am still recovering. Yeah – I call niteflirt calls recovering! So … it’s almost 6:30PM PST – I will be logging back in around 9:30PM. I won’t be checking emails until then because I am easily distracted and will probably never start my homework because I’ll be reading emails, then shopping on ebay, then fixing my wish lists, and then writing some stories… lol. 9:30PM – Promise. Pinky swear. If I’m not here/available – send me a note on niteflirt. If I see you were actually looking for me and I wasn’t around for your call – you’ll get something special from me. How’s THAT for a bit of incentive for the both of us?

Talk soon!